Where Was She Ch. 01

I walked in and took Jessie's face in my hands. I looked at her angry countenance and asked her, "What were you arguing about? It looked bad. Paula seemed to be upset."

Jessie laughed, a short, humorless sound. "I wanted to know where the hell she was while my brother lay there on the floor bleeding to death. I wanted to know why she wasn't home where she belonged. At 1:30 in the morning? I know where she was!"

"No, you don't. You're right in your supposition but you don't know the truth. Just let it go for now. Jim is the one that needs us. We have to keep that first in our minds. He is going to need us in the weeks to come. We have to prepare for the worst and pray for the best. That's what we have to do now."

It worked and Jessie relaxed. She remained in my arms until she was calmer and then returned to Jim's bedside and resumed talking softly to him. We made arrangements so that she and I would take turns over the next 24 hours, one of us always there. I told her that no decisions would be made by anyone but her or me. Paula was not to interfere. Jessie agreed. I walked down to the nurses' station and confirmed that arrangement. As the insurance was in my name, as well as his contact in case of emergency, they accepted my arrangements. I reinforced that his mother was not permitted to make decisions in his case. The nurse looked at me for a second but wrote that instruction in his file.

It was almost two hours later when Paula came back to the room. I was there at the time. Jessie had gone back to change and get something to eat. She looked awful, face pinched, eyes red rimmed and wet, her shoulders hunched and tense. I knew part of it was Jim's condition but I suspected that a great deal of it was guilt. Not for what she had done to me but what happened because she was with John. At least I hoped she felt some guilt. Paula walked in and went directly to Jim's side. She sat there for several minutes before rising to approach me.

She stopped in front of me, twisting her handkerchief in her hands before asking, "Del, can we talk? I know what you must be thinking and I want to explain. Let's go down to the lounge."

I looked at her, trying to gather some emotion but none came. I was cold inside and it probably showed. "We have nothing to discuss. I know about you and John and that's all I want to know. I know where you were while our son lay bleeding into his own brain." I now felt the anger return. I had no one to direct it to but her. "You're responsible for the condition he's in. What more is there to say?"

Paula's face was a picture of shock. I know the words were like a slap to the face and either she didn't think I knew as much as I did or she didn't think I would attack her as I did. Either way, I didn't care. I just didn't care about her or her feelings just now. I probably would care later, when I could give in to the anger, but not now.

"Del, please. Let me explain. Let me tell you what happened. You have to let me talk to you now, more than ever. Our son is in trouble and we need to talk about what to do. I don't want us to fight now. Please, Del?"

"You and I have nothing to discuss where Jim is concerned. I've made sure you can't make any decisions about his care. I don't want you to have anything to do with him from this point on. You can visit but that's all. Jessie and I will decide what he needs."

Paula was about to grab my arm and try to reason with me when John walked into the room, going directly to Jim's bedside before he noticed Paula and I there in the corner. When he turned and saw us, his face changed and he started toward me with his hand out to reach for me. "God Finny, I just heard. I'm so. . . ." But all I saw was the son of a bitch that betrayed me and by his actions put my son's life in jeopardy. I reacted swiftly.

I put my arm out to stop his advance, my hand in a tight fist. A fist of anger! "Get your ass out of this room right now, you bastard, before I smash your face in. Get the fuck out of here, now! Now! Go!" I was breathing too hard and I felt my face flush with too much blood. I knew I was in danger of having a stroke unless I got myself under control.

Paula had moved back against the wall, her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide. The look on her face as she watched me was one of pure terror. I didn't really care at that moment. All I wanted to do was lash out and hurt, so I grabbed her arm and pulled her toward me. I then shoved her into John's arms as he reached to stop her from falling.

This was my brother, my friend and the man I had considered almost as a father but all I saw now was his betrayal. "Take your lover and both of you get out! Take this slut out of here right now and don't you ever come near me again! If you do, I swear I'll kill you."

Paula collapsed to the chair beside the bed while John just stared at me. He was shocked that I had found out about them. I didn't care. I just wanted him gone, and her with him. He tried to say something but I simply rolled over him, bolstered by my hatred for them both.

"Get out! Don't you ever come back when I'm here. And just stay away from me from now on. I never want to see either of you again. Either of you." I looked at Paula, now openly weeping as John held her. "I won't stop you from visiting our son, but I would ask you to respect my wishes. It's clear that respect is something you apparently never had for me, but I'll ask nevertheless. Please stay away from me."

Paula stopped long enough to wipe her eyes, rose, and looked at me. "Where will I go?"

"That's easy. I've moved my things out of the house. I'm staying elsewhere. I have no intentions of ever living in that house again so you and your lover can have it. Oh, by the way, I put your overnight bag in the trash container so if you want it, that's where you'll find it. It had the stink of the two of you all over it so I didn't want it smelling up the house."

I saw that Paula realized I knew it all. She collapsed completely as I turned and walked out of the room. I wanted to be gone long enough for them to leave, but John followed me out and down the hall, not speaking. I walked out the exit door and into the stairway before turning.

"What do you want? If you have something to say be quick about it, then leave me alone. I meant what I said. I swear I'll kill you if you get in my way."

"Finn, you have to listen. I'm so damn sorry about this. I never meant it to happen but it was after my divorce. Paula was so helpful when I was hurting. She helped me get over Denise and she was a good friend and we just let it get out of hand. It only happened this once and it didn't mean anything to her, I know that for certain. It meant more to me. I pursued her hard and I finally wore her down, but she never stopped loving you. She was acting out of pity for me, I know that now. This has hurt her terribly and she is scared to death of what she's done. But you have to know it was all my fault."

I stared at this man who used to be so important to me. He was my older brother, the one that was always there for me growing up. The man I had thought of as my father for most of my life. Our father had died when I was just ten and John was thirteen. Mom had to go to work and she was hardly ever there. He was the man in my life from then on and I always turned to him in times of need. Now, he had betrayed me, taken from me the only other person I loved and trusted. In one act, the two people I loved and trusted more than any others were lost to me. I couldn't forgive that.

"You've had your say and I don't believe you. No brother could ever do this to his own flesh and blood. I loved you so much, almost like a father. But now, when I really needed you the most, I see you for what you are. So, from now on, I have no brother. No brother and no wife. You are both dead to me."

I turned and walked away.

John and Paula surprised me by honoring my wishes. I did see her from time to time either leaving as I entered or going in as I left. I never saw John again after that day. I had no idea what arrangements they made with Jessie and I never asked her. I made it clear to her early on that I didn't wish to discuss either John or Paula. Jessie accepted that. I was sure she knew what happened but we didn't discuss that either. Jim was all we discussed.

The doctors tried to bring Jim out of his induced coma as scheduled but he didn't wake up. It had been almost three weeks since the operation but Jim remained in a coma and unable to take nourishment on his own. He was breathing on his own and his body was functioning normally but he wouldn't wake. The doctors still hoped that he would wake after his brain had healed itself, but the doctors had no idea of when, or even if he would wake. We could only watch and wait.

I had applied for a leave of absence which was granted. I was told to take what time I needed and my job would always be there. I had found a nice apartment near my office, fully furnished and ready to move in. I signed a lease and took up residence a week after moving out of the house. I changed my cell service and number, opened accounts in my name only and transferred only about a quarter of what was in our joint accounts to mine. I left most of the money in our savings and checking accounts for Paula. I continued to monitor both accounts to make sure she had enough to take care of the house payments, utilities and living expenses. Paula had money of her own but I never asked her to use it. Nor would I now until our divorce was final. I would honor my commitments even if she had forgotten hers.

Divorce. So far, I had done nothing about that. Not because I expected anything to happen but just because it was low on my priority list. Jim's expenses, his future if things didn't get better, all were things I had to think about. I could only wait on those so I let everything else go. Paula could file if she chose to and I would then get a lawyer, but until then it could wait. As far as Paula was concerned, I had no idea of what she and John were doing. I supposed they were living together in the house. I didn't care. Or so I told myself.

Time at the hospital was becoming more routine and I didn't go in as often as I had been. Jessie had returned to her training and she was spending mainly evenings there now. I had returned to work but not for traveling. I stayed in the office close to the phone now. Maybe later I would go back out in the field. I tried to time my schedules around what Paula was doing but from time to time I would find her standing in the corner of the room or in the doorway, just watching me. She had tried on several occasions to get me to talk to her but I refused. One time she had blocked the doorway trying to force me to talk with her but I simply stood there until she moved. I wondered when I felt I could make the effort but every time I thought about it, I just felt sadness.

I found myself thinking of Paula now and again. After all we had been married for over twenty four years and we had raised two wonderful children. Our life together had been great for most of that time, up until the last year or more. It was hard to let that die. My mind kept bringing it to the front especially when I was lonely or sad or depressed over Jim's unchanging condition. I had loved her for all that time. Loved her with all my heart. Never once in all that time did I ever consider cheating. When I was tempted, I would think of her and turn away. I would never hurt her that way. I couldn't conceive of why she had hurt me. What had I done to her to make her do that to me?

It was during one of those reflections late at night when the hospital called to tell me that my son had awakened. I rushed to the hospital and was asked to wait until one of the doctors could talk to me. I paced around the waiting room, anxious to get in to see Jim when the doctor came in. He asked me to sit while he explained what was going to happen. In effect, this would tell the tale of what damage had been done. This would tell the doctors what the effects were and what the prognosis was going to be. He wanted me to be aware but to stay back while they tested him. I agreed, just wanting to get to it.

In the room, I saw Jim with his eyes open looking around. That seemed to me to be a good sign and I was encouraged. A group of doctors were already talking to him and doing some testing on his reactions and such. I kept to the background while this went on and wondered how my son could do so much after just waking from a deep sleep. But it continued and I watched and waited. Finally, about an hour after they started, they stopped. As they pulled back, I saw that Jim was asleep again and hoped that this was just exhaustion. I followed the doctor out of the room and waited as he conferred with his colleagues. He finally turned to me.

"Well, we learned what we wanted to know. Overall, Jim is strong and healthy but his brain has suffered some significant damage. As of now, we don't know whether it is temporary or permanent. Only time will tell. For example, his ability to think rationally is damaged and his recall is poor. He can talk but when he tries to identify objects, he has difficulty finding the right words. His reaction to outside stimulus is reduced and he may have trouble walking or standing. His sense of balance is damaged.

"There may be other problems, but it will take some time for them to become apparent. For now, we can only watch and observe. He will need long term care and therapy in any event. That's something you might begin to think about."

I was shocked at the damage as the doctor revealed it to me. He looked so normal and seemed so strong. But was the damage was done as he lay there waiting for help to come? That made me ask the question of the doctor. I felt his answer was important.

"How much was the damage made worse by the length of time it took to get him into surgery? Would it have been different if he were found sooner?"

The doctor shook his head at my question. "That's not possible for me to answer. I can say that most of the damage was caused by the vessel that ruptured in his brain. The leaking blood caused swelling to occur and that, along with the loss of oxygen to those portions of the brain served by the ruptured vessel, were the contributing factors. This would have happened well before the pain he felt which caused the collapse. In other words, the fall was caused by the pressure which had already caused the brain damage. Swelling occurred quickly and the results are as we now see. That was the main factor. Time was important, but the damage was already done before the fall happened."

The answer seemed to indicate that Paula may not have been responsible for the extent of the damage, but the fact remained that Paula was not there to get help for my son as soon as possible. Maybe she wasn't responsible for all the damage but she was certainly responsible for some of it. And the reason was clear: betrayal! I would not forget that.

I called Jessie as soon as I could and told her the news. She wanted to come right away but I told her to wait until morning since Jim had gone back to sleep. I told her I would stay until she got there. As I closed my cell phone, I wondered if I should call Paula as well. He was her son after all and regardless of what she had done, she did love him, I was sure. She had been here as often as possible, staying clear when I was about but still there in the background.

I decided to call, just to be fair about Jim's recovery. I wouldn't admit that I also wanted to hear her voice. I dialed the house and waited.

"Hello? This is Paula. Is this the hospital? Is something wrong with my son?" Her voice was slurred by sleep but the panic was clear in her tone.

"Paula, it's me. Del. Jim woke up an hour ago and the doctors examined him. There is some damage but they're not clear about how bad it is or whether it's permanent. I know you want to come now, but he's asleep again and probably won't wake until morning. I would wait till then before you come in. I'll stay until 7:30 and then I'll leave for work. Come then if you want."

She started to say something but I hung up. I didn't want to have a conversation with her right now. Later we would have to talk but not now. My cell rang almost as soon as I shut it but I saw it was Paula and simply turned it off. What she worked out with Jessie would be between them. I wanted no part of it. I returned to the room to wait for my son to wake.

After Jim had been awake for a few days, we began to see the changes in him. As the doctors had indicated, Jim was slow to respond to many things. He could talk, could carry on a conversation but not one that involved any real thinking. He could tell us how he felt, he recognized who we were and he would smile when we came in to see him but he was almost childlike in the things he did and said. It was heartbreaking to see him this way but at least he was alive. But the Jim we all knew was gone. Maybe for good. Jessie seemed to be the most affected. She had spent more time with the adult Jim than either Paula or I had. They had always been close but seemed to grow closer as they got older. I guess they shared more of the same things. Jessie felt the loss keenly.

The doctor asked if I and my wife could come in and talk with him. I assured him that I could make any decisions that were necessary but he continued to insist that both Paula and I talk with him. He was very firm on that and as much as I tried, I couldn't get him to change his mind. So, I told him to set it up with her the next time she was in and let me know the time. Jessie wasn't needed he said so it would be just the three of us.

He soon let me know that a time had been set for us to talk and I made arrangements to take the necessary time for it. I was back to work now but limited my travel until I was more confident about Jim's health. I arrived at the hospital and was directed up to the fourth floor where the doctor had his office. I checked to be sure Jessie was going to be with Jim before going in. I knocked, and entered to find Paula already there seated at a small conference table. I took a seat across from her and waited for the doctor. This was the first time we had been alone together since the day of the accident. Paula looked better than she had the last time I saw her and I noticed that she was less anxious. I guess Jim's condition had put our lives in some sort of perspective. He was important to both of us and our problems took a back seat for now.

A secretary stuck her head in the room and told us the doctor was on the way and would we like anything to drink. We declined and she retreated, shutting the door behind her. I looked at Paula and decided to ask a few questions. I wasn't feeling mean so it was a good time.

"How have you been? Is everything OK at the house? I assume you have enough money to take care of things? If you need more, please let me know."

"I'm fine and the house is fine. I don't need any money as you well know." She seemed angry but then I wasn't all that happy myself. I was just trying to be thoughtful. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. Better for all if I did. I have a temper, I know.

That lasted for just a minute before I had to put in one jab. Just one, no big deal. "How is my loving brother? I haven't seen him for a while. I assume you two are sharing our bed?"

Her look was priceless! Anguish, guilt, sorrow, and just a trace of anger. All tied together on her face as she stared at me. If I only had one jab to strike, that one was a winner!

Her response was a long time coming but she finally looked up and spoke. "I haven't seen John since the day you and he spoke in the hospital. I know he's been in to see Jim once or twice but not while I was there. Jessie hasn't spoken to him either. And he is certainly not living at the house with me."