Who Cares What I Wear?

Emily clung to him and sobbed, half in sorrow and half in anger. She wasn't sure how long she cried. "Sometimes I hate him because I love him so much still." Her voice was rough and she loosened her arms around him but didn't let go. She wasn't sure she could, she felt so raw inside.

"I know what that's like." Neil rested his cheek on top of her head. "Boy, do I know."

"I feel like I let him ruin everything for me, and then I get mad at myself and him. I can't even watch the movies I like that he didn't because I keep thinking..." She swallowed. "I keep remembering how much fun it was when he'd tease me about them, or make a big deal about doing something else and why do I let that happen?"

"I did things like that." Neil started walking but kept an arm around her. "I didn't listen to a bunch of music because it seemed like every lyric reminded me of her, or us."

"I don't think I've listened to songs with words in them for six months." Emily felt calmer, and comforted by Neil's presence.

He gave a quiet laugh. "I did that, too. Started listening to all kinds of stuff I'd barely even thought about before, anything that didn't have a connection. Between you, me and the ocean, I even listened to some god awful Euro-techno-pop or whatever. I threw the discs out."

Emma gave a brief smile, but it faded. "When...when does it stop..."

Neil sighed, and Emily knew he understood the question even though she hadn't finished it. He was quiet for a while, marshaling his thoughts, and she stared out at the water and listened to the crash of the surf.

"I don't think it ever does 'stop.' Not entirely. There's always a part that...aches, maybe?" He tightened his arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder. "Anyway, I guess it just aches a bit less, but only if you let it." He gave a dry laugh. "Boy, do I sound like an episode of Dr. Phil, or what?"

Emily smiled and slid an arm around his waist. "Maybe, but it's okay. I think that's what I've been doing. Hanging on to the ache, to missing him. I don't know why, exactly, but I'm afraid of going on without him." Tension eased from her body when she spoke the words.

"I was, too, with Jen." Neil nodded. "It feels like you're being unfaithful or something. But you can't just hide yourself away, no matter how you try."

"My grandmother always said life goes on and takes you with it, whether you want it to or not."

"She sounds like a smart lady."

"She is." Emily sighed. "So do you think that's what I've been doing? Wallowing in grief?"

"Maybe. But it's hard not to. I know I came really close and my friends kept me from getting in too deep."

"I don't want to keep hurting like this, but I don't know how to stop." Emily dabbed at her eyes.

"Yes, you do." Neil stopped and turned to face her. "I told you the ache fades, but you have to let it. That cliché we both hate? About letting it go? Well...it's a cliché for a reason, Emily. There's a lot of truth there."

"Did you let Jen go?" She looked at him with a mixture of hope and fear.

"Not Jen." He shook his head. "The hurt. I let the hurt go. She wouldn't want me living with the hurt the rest of my life, and you know Ben wouldn't want it for you, either." He pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. "I was going to give you a little more time before I said anything, but I was going to say something."

"Really?" Emily tried for a smile. "Was I wallowing so much?"

Neil gave her a gentle smile in return. "Getting there. I'd have stopped you."

She took his hand and they walked a little farther. Emily had never felt so raw, yet for all that, she realized she felt better than she had in months. She was exhausted, but this walk, and talking with Neil was something she'd needed to do. Probably needed to do this a long time ago. I can't mourn him for the rest of my life. He wouldn't want that, and I can't do it.

"Come on, we should get back." Neil stopped for a moment, looked out over the ocean one last time, then started back towards the car.

"It must be past midnight." Emily rubbed her eyes. "Happy New Year."

"It can be. If you want it to be."

"I do." She sighed. "I really do. I can't be this...sad all the time."

"No, you can't. No one can. You just have to let the ache go and then you can live again. It's hard, but I promise, you can do it."

"Thanks, Neil." She kissed his cheek.

"Any time." He opened the door for her and she sat inside, grateful to be off her feet.

They rode in silence for a while and then Neil asked, "Want to see a movie?"

"I don't think the theaters are open."

He laughed. "I have plenty at home. How about you?"

"A whole rack full and a few lying on the floor."

"Why don't we flip a coin to decide where, and then we'll find something."

"Sure." Emily smiled. "In the mood for anything in particular?"

"Something quiet. No explosions or robots."

Emily chuckled and reached over to squeeze his hand. "Louis, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

He winked. "I knew this year would be better."

*

Author's Note: This story was inspired by the song "New Year's Eve," by Nina Gordon.