Who I Am Ch. 04

"Here I come baby."

"Hurry, I can't wait." I place my hands firmly on his back and brace for his entrance. I know this is going to be amazingly great or amazingly painful or a mix. I don't care which. I am just ready.

"Aahh...Ughh...Shit, K... Shiiitt!!" What just happened here? Is he inside me? I don't feel anything? Oh no! Am I one of those women with a huge vagina that can't feel when a man is in her? My panic causes me to sit upright and Carter is directly in front of me sitting on his heels with his penis in his hand. I see the remnants of his cum on his tip and the balance resting in a puddle on my sheet.

"Carter?" No response. Then he quickly gets up and rushes to the bathroom and closes the door. What just happened here? I am still confused. I was just thinking about how he was going to be my sex buddy until I found a boyfriend. But I'm thinking not since it seems we aren't having sex.

After several minutes of bewilderment, it comes back to me. We've been here before. I don't have a big vagina at all. Well, I don't think I do. He has a pre-ejaculation issue. Well, I think he does. He came on my leg when all we did was kiss before, so that has to be it. I get up and knock on the bathroom door. "Are you ok in there?" Still no response. "Carter you have to come out sometime. You have nothing to be ashamed of." I guess that was the right thing to say because the bathroom door instantly flung open and Carter squeezed past me with a wad of tissue in his hand. He cleaned his semen off of my sheets and returned to the bathroom to flush it down the toilet. He walked right past me again, put on his boxers and sat on the edge of the bed.

I sat next to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. He flinched away and turned his upper body towards me. "This is your fault."

"Excuse me", was all I could muster.

"This is your fault. You've had me waiting years for this moment. I've wanted you so bad that my body couldn't control itself and now you made this happen. You could've had the best sex of your life, but you kept me pinned up for too long."

Are you kidding me? He's mad at me? We have been broken up for a month. I am trying my best not to get mad. Maybe he is over excited. This has to be embarrassing so I am going to give him a pass. "Well, maybe now that you've had this happen and you know I'm not going to change my mind you can make it all of the way next time?"

"Yeah maybe."

"So maybe you should spend the night. We don't have to do anything and we can try again when it feels right?"

"That sounds good."

"Good. But you have to sleep on the wet side", I joked. He lightly chuckled and eased up the bed. I climbed in next to him and he spooned me from behind.

"K, I still love you." This time, I chose not to respond.

******

I can't deny that I was a little irritated by the whole thing last night. But as I lay here at 5am and continue to think about it, I realize, I really had been teasing this man for the past two years. I don't think it validated him being mad at me though. I still decided to give him a pass anyway. Which I am currently not regretting. These soft open mouth kisses on the nape of my neck with light massaging of my breasts is all the confirmation I need. I can't explain the excitement at the thought of this actually happening this time. Nothing else I'm imagining how free I will be. No longer being afraid of who I will become once it's gone. I will be able to freely give of myself to the man I love without wondering if I will lose myself in consistently wanting to experience pleasure. Ultimately, I've made peace with becoming a slut if that's what happens too. Holding on to my virginity hasn't brought me anything but mental torture and pure heart ache. By letting it go, I am at least giving myself physical pleasure and a warm body to comfort me at night. Now is the time for me to be free and discover who I am.

Yes, each of the kisses that traveled down my spine represented my journey to freedom. My wetness is my river to complete satisfaction. He's not going to have to do too much more for me to be totally ready. He slid back up my body and I moved my butt closer to him. Then to my greatest disappointment, I felt spurts of warm thick liquid on my inner thigh. I just sighed, got out of the bed and wiped off with a tissue from my nightstand. I suppose the irritation was showing on my face because, like a dummy, he thought it was a good idea to talk to me.

"I don't know what you do to me. I have never had this problem before. Lisa said it's because I wasn't over you." I can't tell you how much that irritated me. Now I have a valid reason outside of severe sexual frustration for feeling this way. I think the most angering thing is that as soon as I made the decision to go all the way, I don't get the chance. To top it off he brings up his other girlfriend. Even after this horrific experience, there are two things I am now certain of. One, I am going to get laid in the near future. Two, Carter isn't going to be the one. I just need to find someone else I feel comfortable enough to have sex with, but distant enough to let go of.

"Carter, I need to get ready for work. I think you should leave."

"K, I just..."

"There is nothing left to say. I will take full blame; but let's agree to move on." I hold out my right hand for a shake and lean towards him, "Friends?"

"Friends for now. I don't know if I can give up that easily." This made me laugh, but I was more relieved that he was about to leave. The sooner he was out the door the sooner I could concentrate on determining who was going to help me become the woman I need to be. Then he stepped on that fatal straw, "Besides, you know it belongs to me anyway".

Is he kidding me? He must be joking. I can't control the anger that is stirring up within me any longer. All the feelings I was subconsciously hoarding started rising to the surface. "You know what Carter; you will never get another chance with me. I don't care if I never gave it up when we were together. You know what else; I never led you on. You have no idea what it means to stick it out.

And maybe I never gave it to you because I never felt totally secure. Who says they want to marry someone so many times, but refuses to walk into a jewelry store with them? Who dates someone for two whole years and consistently makes every excuse to keep from visiting their parents, but gets mad when they miss his nephew's third birthday party?

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm glad your lame ass has a pre-cum issue, which is NOT my fault by the way. You don't deserve an ounce more than what I gave you. And for clarification purposes, I wasn't trying to have sex with you because I wanted to take you back. I was just trying to get rid of this virginity so I can move on with my life. And regardless of how backwards this whole thing may be, it is still my decision and a GIFT to whomever I decide to give it to.

So you can close your mouth. There is nothing else you can say to me or that I want to hear from you. I'm going to take a shower. I expect you to be gone when I'm done." I ran to the bathroom and rapidly turned on the shower as I tried to stop myself from hyperventilating. I've never gone off on anyone quite so hard before, but it felt incredible. I have no clue if he is shocked, mad, or heartbroken, but I don't exactly care. I am now certain I am ready to unwrap the package to womanhood, but I see I still need to be selective on who gets to do the unwrapping. As if to confirm Carter wasn't the right one, I heard the door slam over the sound of the shower. Good riddance!

*******************

I'm here at work, happy to have something non-sexual to concentrate on. I make it all the way to lunch, then I am hit with the unwelcomed gift of free time. I could continue to work, but I am starving and I didn't bring lunch. So I'll just have to deal with wherever my mind takes me. And right now it is taking me to the corner of Slauson and Crenshaw to visit the Fish House for lunch. If you didn't know, a little grease always comforts a wondering mind.

I make it to the Fish House and receive my food in record time. I decide to sit in the parking lot to people watch and eat my food. While I'm staring out into the parking lot, my mind wanders back to the events of yesterday. First dinner with Jamie, then the crazy night with Carter. It all was pretty comical. But when I really detailed the events, suddenly the humor in my thoughts were replaced with a yearning and desire to be touched. Yes, I am a swinging pendulum of emotions and I am pretty certain I won't be able to control them until I know what sex is like. Now that Carter is out of the picture, I don't know how long it will be before I meet a worthy candidate. I could go for a one-night stand, but I am not interested in my virginity being pummeled away. If that were a choice, I would've done it when I was 16 with a boy who didn't know any better. Today, I am a woman, and I want to be treated as such. So I will have to wait for it to happen.

I pull out my phone to check work emails and see I had a couple text messages come through.

-Tom has a speaking engagement in California coming up. I will get the details to you later. Katherine

-Thanks for dinner. Sorry to make it so intense. I appreciate your honesty. I wish you the best. J. Johnson

Don't get me wrong, Tom is a compelling speaker, but that message is of no interest to me right now. I am interested in why Jamie contacted me. I could be wrong, but I got the impression dinner was a one and done thing. Since he reached out to me, I can't help but think of the possibility of Jamie's candidacy. I see this text message as a sign. If it isn't a sign, I've officially claimed it as one.

-Thank you Jamie. I appreciate your openness as well. Loving Me

A few minutes passed and he didn't respond. I see I am going to have to drive this conversation.

-Do you think I can call you sometime? Sometime being tonight. Loving me

I immediately received a text back.

-You can call me now if you want. J. Johnson

I smiled a bit to myself. Then I started to panic. What would I say? I prepared to dial Katherine's number for advice, then it all came to me. I knew what I needed to do. I dialed Jamie's number with a grin.

"Hello Honey."

"Hello"

"What can I do for you?"

"Well, since you ask, you can come to my house for dinner tonight."

"I am sorry. I can't make it tonight. I'll be working late." I tried not to let my countenance fall, but I was gravely disappointed. I should've have mentally prepared for his unavailability.

Ok Karen, try again. "What time will you get off? I will be up pretty late."

"I doubt you want to wait until 10pm to have dinner."

"You're right. And I won't wait. But you can come by for dessert."

"Is that right? You know I still don't believe Oreos are an acceptable dessert right?"

"Yes, and I'll have a surprise dessert waiting that is much much better."

"Sold! Text me your address and I'll let you know when I am on my way."

"Okay. See you later."

"See you later." I hugged my cell phone tight to my chest. It was going down tonight. I was so happy I had to sing a song to myself about it. 'Karen's gonna lose her virginity tonight. Karen's gonna lose her virginity tonight.' The new task will be keeping calm until I got home.

*********

Thank you for reading! If you have a criticism or suggestion, please leave a comment. My goal is to improve and make you a down right fan!!

Always,

Ms. Angel Sand