All Comments on 'Who is Raphael Garza? Pt. 03'

I assume that our hero will not kill Monty. But, who will be with him to make our hero reconsider. Kathy? There has to be some more twists to this story.

Turning into a hell of a whodoneit. You hit the sweet spot with this one. Five stars.

The intensity of feeling ratcheted down , the complications , if anything, ramped up. K.K. is like a orchestra conductor muting the string section in favor of the brass . This section was well played, albeit a bit abbreviated .

Full marks *****

Okay, things are coming together, but I still find it hard to believe he'd just shoot the guys without knowing why they did it. The connection is the woman passed over for the job, I think, but maybe just the audit situation was the trigger. Seems like some financial shenanigans, and I hope he doesn't just shoot first and ask questions later. Regarding the wife, her deciding to have an affair stills seems out of character, though we didn't get a large lead-in about how close the couple was, etc. In the grand LW tradition, the wife just seems to have fallen on her back and counted ceiling tiles rather easily.

You are posting quite a story here. This is your best story since Brodricksburg. It may be as good as that. Legends' Day, the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you.

Best story I've read in a very very very long time absolutely outstanding !!!!!!!

Doors 2 and 3 get progressively worse.

I love it :)

BIZZARE is something weird and unexplainable. BAZZARE is a market place in Morroco. Spell check is not always your friend...

Kathy is the ususl cheating wife. Doesnt know why she did it, feels atupid, never happen again, blah blah fucking blah. Thats not how people react. She did it and either will happily leave her pyschopathic husband or would be ashsmed she cheated on him and not just sorry she got caught.

The main character is acting both stupidly, mindlessly and recklessly--not endearing traits. Stupid: his single-minded focus on killing the two people who seem to have answers to the What and Why question. Stupid for not being at all curious about the connection between his wife's responsibility to audit a bank that his two targets are officers of?

Reckless: Acting as if he could get away with killing two US bank officers using an old shotgun and some hiking around rocks with a kayak and a backpack. Mindless that when the killings are investigated that the FBI wouldn't immediately find Frank the Smooth Actor and get the same connections that our Hero discovered in his months of playing super sleuth . . . give me a break!

2*

Let's do a bit of due diligence in future? If you have a break down shotgun you're a STUD. It takes a drift pin and a big damned hammer, by the way.

I hate Yankees, don't you know?

Oh, by the by: have you EVER paddled a 35 pound kayak anywhere with a paddle?

ZERO street cred, dude. LESS than zero. If you are not a man with "special boats" history, let's not try to speak the lingo, okay?

Brendan

1SG, 1st Ranger Battalion 75th Infantry (Ret).

Dude. REALLY?

All yer friends in Yankee land are probably impressed with your encyclopedia of riverine operations. Yeah. Paddle a

"kayak"

upstream in that river and mention the way you could not find a specific spot without piling rocks on it in your next fantasy story...

BIZZARE is something weird and inexplicable (better than 'not unexplainable').

BAZAAR, not BAZZARE is a market place in Morocco (not Morroco).

You pretend proofers drive me crazy.

(and Anon, Spell-check is never a friend of yours, ever.)

must be the least satisfying revenge. In a fraction of a second life is over. The culprit will never suffer the consequenses of his or her actions. No, a revenge should lead to live a long life in regrette and he or her should know why and who delivered it. In this case he is planning to kill the source to information of why and what the intentions were. STUPID. I suppose the writer intends to reveal the why, but this chapter was very poorly constructed.

and the investigators were switched, was Marge in on whatever they were trying to hide or cover up? In who's name was the 2nd car at the tennis court registered?

Too much detail.

Get it over with

No,no, no. Way too loud, regardless of the fireworks. How about a crossbow

or a silent howitzer?

What a well written story. Great plot not to slow not to fast, carry on the good work. I would give you 10 out of 5. I can't wait for the next chapter.

Good to see a return to Broderick and the storyline continues to get interesting. Thanks a gain KK and welcome back.

I’m writing these as I go, so some comments may be over-taken by future events.

Okay, she was stupid falling for the plot, but he and she were set up.

“I had a nagging feeling I had missed something.” – Duh! She might have told people at work. Marge, who has a grudge against her, works with her. The check came from a bank in Brodricksburg, Marge’s old territory! Marge also might have access to his email address, since they had been friends.

Marge wanted revenge on Kathy; Steve and Monte, maybe along with Marge wanted to cover up some “irregularities?”

I have two problems with his murder plans: 1) Murder seems quite a bit over the top revenge; 2) It does nothing to solve “why” they did it! If, as I suspect, Marge was behind it, wouldn’t he want to know that?

Damn, I thought Marge was going to be in the Escalade!

I think he is wasting too much time on his revenge instead of getting to the bottom of the plot.

All I said earlier was that the story would be better if posted as one piece instead of the too short one scene chapters we're getting now.

It is still a good story I just want to get more than we're being given.

Many guys would consider shooting the bastard that ruined his marriage and seduced his wife. Most guys would not take the time to dream up an elaborate revenge plan... just shoot the fuckers!

Now, I am worried that the Feds are following the big cheeses that are paying off Monty. That would put our hero in the surveillance and ruin his shoot and run plan.

I also find Kathy's attitude maddening. She seems to feel she was tricked but no real harm was done. I am really enjoying this as I guess at what will happen next.

# 5

The fuck up HDK , YA ASSHOLE. You would make the guy a cream pie eater like yourself.

Great story so far KK . 5 stars well done . I am on the edge of my seat over here .

This was a chapter full of dead air. At this point I have lost interest in every character. Kathy is a betrayer, regardless of being "set-up", Marge Monty and Steve are non-persons and our hero is a thug.

K.K. IS a certified CUCK. Have you read any of his shit? 1*

sickos all fighting good job.

Interesting beginning; not horribly original, but well written. He sees the tape, confronts the wife, follows the details which lead him to actor. No revenge, because it is somebody else. Follow more clues, leads him to bank people, but no revenge because it is somebody else...follow next clue to somebody else, to somebody else. Almost a tease and denial for the readers. No rating until it is done but, as somebody that has been betrayed and promised to get even with whomever destroyed his life, our hero seems to be doing a lot of planning and not a lot of exacting so the finish could be in one chapter or ten. The wife betrayer is already moving to the, "you weren't giving me what I didn't know I needed" phase, he is doing little but ignoring her at this point. Getting to be TL;DR.

I completely agree!

This plot is moronic in the extreme.

Didn't you say that already like 10 times yesterday ? Another day , another all time idiot author to read. Yup, you lead a full life sir.

i don't think so that hero need to kill any one if he take revenge he have to destroy them by there money take away like that type on think and i don't understand why don't he diverse his fool bimbo wife and just move on simple why he need to kill any body fool idea

This has been a fun read so far, KK.

Wonderfully done, taking a complicated plot and unraveling events one by one. Can't wait for the next chapter. To the naysayers: read something else.

this ---->> "Are these people responsible for what happened to us?" Kathy said.

no you stupid bitch --YOU are.

This is really well written, excellent work. I'm only wondering one thing: when will he make a connection to Marge? Her name came up as someone Kathy was friends with until a falling-out; then suddenly she's invited to Marge's house the night before everything unravels. Now her name comes up as the auditor for a bank right smack in the middle of the conspiracy. Marge is involved, yet neither Walt or Kathy see it. I mean, start by questioning: 'what was weird that week' and Marge suddenly reaching out has to be the top of Kathy's list.

WOW there are a LOT of stupid people out there and most of the comments prove that. It does NOT matter how much effort KK puts into making this story a mystery or whodunit.

The final result is that NONE of this scheming plotting twisting by Marge or Steve or anybody else has anything to do with what Kathy did.

YES this is the stupidest idea and stupid scheme of all time. Because it has no chance of actually working if Kathy keeps her legs CLOSED. All of the scheming is just a diversion to attempt to set up a reconciliation are all costs.

The person who destroy the marriage and made the scheme as twisted and unbelievable and that is absurd as it is... is KATHY AND ONLY KATHY.

And no amount of mysterious whodunit is going to change that

Harry can't stop himself from reading every installment from an author , he professes to despise.

This is a great story and you're just being embarrassing. Slamming KK and Ohio both doesn't earn you any cred. It just makes you look foolish. Ease up off the anger and really read this story.

It doesn't matter how angry you are at Karen. Deal with her later, just like her husband is. Just enjoy the storytelling of a master. Have a beer, relax. watch a basketball game, then ask yourself why you are so angry about this. It's a great story. Just enjoy it.

Would the story be worse if Kathy had simply had dinner with him and slept in the guest room? If it was cut properly and done properly then the scheme would have worked just fine. The reality is this was a reverse honey trap and it is a tried and true method of compromising a target. One of the oldest and most effective methods. It is used many times even in the Bible! Marge was somehow involved, she got into Kathy's skin, figured out her weaknesses which they used to identify an operative to seduce her. The end result would have been completely the same, her husband would have rushed home, Kathy's completely innocent attempt to help and old man would have been just as effective (30 minute delay would have been enough) and they could get the ball rolling. She would have still have stayed home.

People who bring so much rage to LW and vent over a story that does not give them cathartic release from their rage, must be living one hell of a life in reality, unable to escape their own past.

To the author: writing a story with this level of step by step detail can be difficult to get right .. can easily devolve into reader boredom. But, you are still getting the pacing right, each small 'reveal' leading to the next.

Up to now the wife's infidelity seems to be mainly a plot point in the larger drama, as almost all of the story is about solving the mystery. That in itself has been interesting enough. If your intention was to make the infidelity more than that, then you'll have to give more attention to the wife-husband drama.

First hopefully next chapter Walt calms down take his own pics of Monty and Ferrell and visit both the Guard of the condo and Frank aka Raphael. He will need forced confirmation. Right now is speculation with names and now faces. Troubling part, Kathy has not been shown if she is actually at her parents home. I see numerous calls to the house as if checking up on Walt no real sorrow or demanding fight to the end once the video was revealed that Rapael aka Frank was a phony thus Kathy was dupped. That alone should have created a sorrowful crawling on her knees for forgivness Kathy. It did't. Not much tears no forcing herself into the home which is her's too by the way we see nothing. We would like to blame Marge since the audit was at that bank, the bank too was on Marge's district until won over by Kathy. Now ideas flowing into Walts traing schedule of which sadly Kathy is the only one that knows, now that Cam was eliminated from the office. As a betting man, i expect Kathy was behind the scheme and its about embezzelment of millions of dollars and the need to cut ties with Walt knowing he would fall apart lose his job and sulk at the loss of his marriage while monty, Ferrell and Kathy make off with millions. I am intrigued by the meeting between the caddie and mercedez in the country club parking lot. Who is the next target. I believe in the golden rule of assination GET RID OF THE ASSASIN. Meaning Frank/Raphael and the guard are lose ends that remember faces and already been questiond y Walt and a point discussed with Kathy. I am sure Walt is on that list too. Have to wait for Ch 4 can't wait great story si far

Good story by a good story teller.

I dont mind you singling me out per se but I am a little perturbed that you don't seem to recognize that other readers have mad comments

Not am I angry AT the story. I am frustrated that this author who has considerable skill manages to do this with every single story he writes. I appreciate mysteries more than most --and my book collection would prove that-- but then fact of the matter is that we all know what's going to happen here.

this scheme to manipulate and destroy the marriage by others does is going to be used as a basis of reconciliation.

Sorry but the rest of this story cannot in any way to take away the culpability of Kathy and what she did. The rest of the story about revenge and banks and the video and being set up..... is just bull shit.

and Most readers know it

Your mean spirited, turd in the punch bowl commentary schtick has worn me out and I'm issuing you a challenge. NO, I don't want to fight . That's for morons. I will pay for a subscription to Writer's Digest for you , buy and send the best how to write a short story book I can find .

Because what is actually obvious to " most readers " is that you are St. Patty's. Day day vermillion green with envy at Ohio , K. K. and numerous others. They're flawed ? Ok , roll up your elbow sleeves and show us how it's done. My money will be well spent if you are half as smart as you pretend to be.

Your all over the place. Why would anyone go thru all this trouble to fix an audit . They must have spent over$25,000 dollars so far setting this up. They could have broken her leg and Margie would have gotton the job. There is money laundering going on. Even our CIA could not come up with such a plot. This is so crazy. Now he is plotting two murders without answers to why. Life in prison just doesn't add up.kathy still screwed up her marriage, how can he ever forgive her with those tapes in his head. Your story is so far out , and you haven't justified why this crazy plot is taken place.

I enjoy seeing Harry comment. The reason why? He is in the very least consistent. The same things that bother him in stories by popular authors are the same things that bother him in stories by unpopular authors. Most other commenters on this site complain when the author isn't a popular one, but then praise the SAME ASPECTS when an author is one of "the legends". RAAC stories? If the guy is popular, then it is a "reasonable reconciliation". If the guy is unpopular, the story will get twisted apart until all the plot holes are revealed.

Love Harry or hate him, agree or disagree, he is fair.

Sorry, Harry, not meaning to ruffle your feathers. Yes, others have commented, (mad or otherwise). You put your handle on your comment, and you're usually someone to whom I listen.

You're wrong about this one because Karen is stuck in your throat. Imagine, instead, that the evil persons had killed his dog. This would be a good story about that. It's the Karen thing that you can't get over. Yes, she screwed the pooch. Everyone, KK and the protagonist included believe that. I believe that. I hate what she did.

She was stupid and naive and maybe just horny. Okay. Now, he's catching the guys who set him up. They set her up, too, and she fell for it. Shame on her, yes. They destroyed his happy life. He's on the trail.

Is there NO chance that she can be redeemed? Does one sin define a life? Not according to my code. If she's remorseful, awake, contrite, and does penance: If he can forgive her and still loves her, I'm all for reconciliation. If there's NO chance, this just becomes a revenge tale. You admit the skill of the author. Let him finish his story and quit anticipating the outcome. Neither of us know how this is going to end. Either way is good with me. I'm along for a hell of a ride.

stupid cuck shit.

We all have our pet authors and ones we consider hacks. It's our right as Literotica readers . Personally I think Oshaw is waaaay overated. But the difference between Harry and me , is that I let his barely above mediocre tripe go by after establishing that it's not to my admittedly idiosyncratic taste. Oshaw has found a rabid and appreciative fan base. I accept that. It's a big world , more power to him.

That's not how Harry rolls. He ' thinks' he's the Lone Gunman bravely standing up for the only way to write a quality story , which so happens to be his way. What he actually is after addictivly chiming in on author submission for time that it's crystal clear he's bone prejudiced against and has been since the their beginning is the turd in the punchbowl .

If you think a popular writer is hopeless hack , your entitled to make best case for that status in 3 stories . Anything beyond that is trolling . I won't read bad ( or what I consider bad ) writers voluntarily. You can find less then laudatory reviews by me on well established writers but only if it's at least 50- 50 in terms of 5 star stories versus literary clunkers by that person.

Ok enough Harry for me for today . Time to use this beautiful Sunday .

Still don't care about the stupid cheating slut but liking the unraveling mystery and, I have to admit to liking your protagonist despite his murderous intent.

Fun ride so far.

I think Harry should give it a try, too. He's certainly verbose enough. He once wrote a critique of one of my stories that was as long as the story. But I definitely don't write anything close to KK, and even with your offer of a how-to-write book, I don't think Harry would be holding anyone's attention for long as a writer.

This story is engrossing and fun. I couldn't ask for a better use of my time this afternoon.

If he's going to kill all that are involved in this , why would he tell Kathy Rapheals real name because she'll know when she hears that three men were murdered and one of them was John whatever was one of them she'd know her husband was the one that killed them. That would mean that she'd have to fuck the DA to give her husband a lighter sentence.(sorry just trying to be cute) I think that the bankers did what they did because they needed Marge to do their audit because she was in league with them defraud the bank. The wife Kathy is one of the stupidest that I've read in any stories . She admitted that she wanted to fuck Rapheal In the morning and she didn't appear very remorseful when confronted. I sure hope that you the author don't have him taking her back. She's just to dumb, who tries to fuck some one out of depression? I guess Kathy does OR did.

Five stars. I suspect yet another twist coming. For some reason I suspect that the wife's involvement is still not fully known. I could be way off, but this tale has me wondering, which is a very good thing.

In the second chapter, it looked as if he wasn't going to be able to solve the puzzle. He hit the wall, and then, then someone is gonna regret! I think just to planning the payback must have been cathartic. At least it took his mind off his marital train wreck.

Now the mysterious meeting at the tennis courts. Skullduggery is afoot! What a great adventure. Thank you so very much for this story. I agree that this is among your very best works. Next chapter! Randi.

It's a little too obvious that Monty and Steve could not allow the bank be audited by Kathy. But they were okay with having it audited by March. Marge invited Kathy to a cookout. Marge is obviously also involed. Henry needs to go to the Feds. This is becoming a big time, big crime, apparently with mobsters. Should be good. Kathy is naive, overly trusting but smart enough to k ow better than do what she did.

This isn't the first mystery set in Brodricksburg. I wonder if Lt Hobbs is still with the police department. I hope that K.K. doesn't string it out too long. The infidelity will become a side issue.

Boyd Percy

The scary thing about stupid people like you is that you and others set up this narrative about me BUT when you go back and take a look of my recent comments (with other Legends stories over the past 2-3 days) .. you see nothing but glowing and or positive comments from me.

So your narrative about me turns out to be a pile of shit. Which is OK because most of your comments and your personality is similar to a large pilot shit.

Most of my comments are about THE STORY. I usually don't get into the back and forth about what others says in feedback. In my view Serious effort by a writer deserves serious consideration by the reader.

Yet most of your comments at least in these stories are directed only about me.

Stop worrying about whether not you think I am rational or whether not you think I am a crack addict .... and just debate the issues that I or others raise.

That is all I ever do. You may not like my comments which of course is your right but you are wasting your time If you want to say my ideas are full of shit --FINE. the debate me on that

Sadly... guys like you almost never end up doing that.

Shit grows pretty flowers!

Lordslamdick ? Was I supposed to get heated ... so sorry , big Sopranos fan here t.y. David Chase.

. Am I talking about you ? Harry , you've made this about you .

A) When you call a story or author 1)"stupid " , "2 ) " pathetic " , "3) a total failure " , 4) wish them a painful death or 5) urge them to kill themselves .

B) You are inferring not so indirectly that you are 1) smart 2) admirable 3 ) know what a quality and successful story is comprised of .

Let's not get into your author deathwish bucket list ( 20- 50 times by my estimate ) . Let's just say you were having a bad day. That's non- productive . You and me got a challenge to discuss where you can walk your talk on my dime, actually 40-60 dollars, but who's counting.

Harry - I challenge you to set up a Amazon account. I will fund it and provide a years 1) 1 year subscription Writer's Digest 2) The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron ( used by many nascent writers ) 3) A 5 star rated short story instruction manual ( Girlinthemoon has a personal recommendation, want it ? )

Your address will never be known to me , this goes completely thru Amazon . This is a gift . Consider it payment for your 3000 plus comments.

I will sincerely wish you luck if you walk your talk and accept this challenge. One thing we both can hopefully agree on is that Loving Wives has a shortfall of new talent.

If you turn down this challenge? Let's just say you have lived down to my past and current estimate of you.

"Are these people responsible for what happened to us?" Kathy said.

Really ???

What is going to happen when another man decide to want her or when some homeless guy asks for some puss ???

She will have to do a lot of work (on her back). Maybe she saves the world

I like crime drama's, and the crime is his marriage was deliberately trashed and we still dont really know the reason. Lot of trouble to go to to get a specific auditor, but that is the direction I think this will take. Pls post more soon.

A moron could put this together. Why doesn't he understand his wife has been drugged and that her audit would expose either embezzlement or fraud at the bank? By exposing the men they would spend years in prison. Instead of risking his freedom in a murder scheme? This idiot deserves what happens to him. His wife's infidelity has blinded him and made him stupid. Not good.

to being less interested as I go along. I think maybe the story needed a more even distribution of caper shenanigans with marital scenes.

But I tend to be of the school of thought that the plot is ridiculous,in that he would kill Monty and Ferrell without first ding out why they did it, after being so methodical? Also,it was kind of stupid for the perps to use a check drawn on their own bank to get the slot in the course. AND he hears from his wife that Marge took over the audit, and he doesn't think to investigate her, or tell her he knows what she did and threaten to go to the cops? Marge would gold like a house of Cards.

I.just hope the explanation for the wife isn't just 'she was a slut who wanted to cheat',that would make this a decent story into a lower tier lw story.

The wife and husband on the phone discussing her adultery - they could just have easily been discussing why she forgot to take the car in for an oil change. Completely flat, no emotion, neither appears to really care and the husband is treating her like it's not all that big of a deal. Sure, he says he's angry, but you couldn't prove it by the way he's acting or talking. No emotion, and since neither of them really care about each other or their marriage, why should the reader?

So Marge is on the payroll of the bankers. The bankers are up to shady shit. Kathy spills information about Walt and the training course. Marge passes it to Monty and Steve. Monty and Steve set up the seduction to get Kathy off the audit. But Walt going on a killing spree? I just don't think you have enough written about Walt that says he is an eye for an eye kind of guy. I got that he is motivated to find out The Who and why behind this, but not the killing. I'd have thought that he would have brought it up to Kathy and try to get them through Marge and re-auditing the bank and getting the Feds involved. But that's what I thought would have made better sense.

The dialogue feels flat, and I feel there's too much telling rather than showing

So far the possible revenge feels lackluster compared to how well he was set up. And I worry that he will wimp out.

I also feel like he's not really using his brain, he should at least find some of the hidden skeletons before killing them, hopefully he will also kill or castrate the actor scum.

The plot thickens. Wonder what will happen. God I hope this isn't a RAAC.

It's RAAC.

Again, hopefully the final explosion will be worthy.

The sympathy triggers have been shot into the prose.

I agree with Harry, shes responsible for their problems. When she fucked the asshole twice.

OK, new idea. It's Marge from were our guy's wife works. She used to audit the Bank, then when wifey got the promotion she was put to a different area. Something's going on with the bank - laundering money? Was that what was in the bag transferred at the tennis court? Or some sort of embezzling scheme? Anyway, Marge was in on it and during the audit would cover it up.

The seduction was so Wife would be too upset to go do the audit, or was too tied up with Frank/Garza.

Am I close? Oh well. I guess I'll have to read the rest of the story. I really like this story. It's been really hard not to skip ahead and find out what happens.

This guy works fadt. I agree with Johnsun, it's all got something to do with keeping Marge on the bank audit. That seems a strange way to keep Kathy away from her job though. Everything had to work out perfectly for the plan to work. That's part of what makes this such a good story.

Money laundering and Marge is part of covering it up; well written story so far, but NO forgiveness for the slut wife.

Why send video feed