Who Killed Cornelius the Cock?

The two lawmen stepped back out onto the sidewalk. "I wonder if that guy would let me borrow his tinfoil hat," the sheriff said as they headed back to the police station. "That annoying-as-all-heck bunny is coming tomorrow. They say he keeps going and going and going and going over every little detail until he makes an arrest."

* * * *

Mrs. Butterworth circulated the diner refilling coffee cups and listening to the gossip. The whole village was buzzing about the case.

"They're putting together a task force to find the killer," Marky Maypo said. "I can't believe they think it's a serial killer. Here. In our little village."

"I heard they're considering that it might be a vampire that killed him," Pop said.

"Sí," said Juan Valzez. "Como la Tunda en Colombia." He took a sip from the steaming mug that bore his likeness.

Snap hushed him quickly. "Don't say that, Pop. You're an asshole. You're the only one that thinks that. You're gonna cause a panic."

Crackle jumped in too. "Yeah, really. It'll be in the Post tomorrow. Coroner Says Killer Is a Vampire. Just what we need."

Dig 'Em hopped up to the counter, hacking into his napkin. "He's right, you know. It's just like Cliffy the Clown. No blood left, marks on his neck ... What else could it be?" He couldn't wait to leave for Florida next week. The weather in the village bothered his COPD.

Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble sat down in a booth and turned over their coffee cups to signal Mrs. B. Fred shook his head. "I hope they solve this quick. Halloween's coming, and I don't want to be next."

Mrs. Butterworth sighed and wiped her hands on her apron. "Oh, dear. Everything's going to hell in a hand basket here."

* * * *

The Energizer Bunny paced around and around and around and around the conference table, beating a death march on his bass drum. Photos and statements from almost everyone in the village littered the table. "Certainly a colorful bunch," he mused aloud. He put down his drum mallets and picked up a close up shot of the cock's corpse. He saw those two marks that villagers speculated were vampire bites. Sticking his head out the conference room door, he asked Sgt. Sugar Bear at the desk if he had a magnifying glass. He picked up another photo of the area where the body was found and examined the ground very carefully. He went to the window for better light and finally found what he was looking for. The substance that would tie Cornelius's murder to the others. A light brown powder. He looked to Sugar Bear. "Get the cap'n."

Cap'n Crunch ran down the corridor as fast as his tiny, little legs would carry him. He yelled for Detective Toucan Sam on his way by his office. Sam flew past him, disturbing some of the papers on the table when he arrived in the conference room.

The two men stood by the table, catching their breath, waiting expectantly. Finally, the bunny pointed to the photo and passed the magnifying glass to the cap'n. "Do you see that powdery substance?"

"Yes. Yes, I do," said the cap'n.

"Do you know what it is?" Energizer asked.

"Looks like crushed up chocolaty marshmallows. We got 'em everywhere. Marshmallows are a hot commodity in our village. We have 'em all colors and flavors. Chocolate too."

"You didn't think this was an important clue?" the bunny asked in a condescending tone. These small-town lawmen were pissing him off with their incompetence.

"As I said, we have marshmallows everywhere. It's not exactly rare and special here," the cap'n said. He crossed his arms over his chest.

"We found this very substance at our crime scene three years ago," the bunny said. "And I've seen it in the crime scene photos from the murder upstate as well."

"Your crime lab didn't identify the substance?" Toucan Sam asked. He was annoyed too. The FBI should have mentioned that, especially since marshmallows weren't so commonplace at the other two murder scenes.

"They identified it as a sugar-based substance, but the samples were flawed, so the results were dismissed. Did your crime lab test it?"

"We all knew what it was," Cap'n said. "And we don't have our own lab."

"Does everybody in your village leave a trail of 'chocolaty marshmallows?'" the bunny asked.

"Well, it depends on what the special editions are, but no. We don't get a lot of those," Sam said. "In fact, the chocolate ones are kind of rare. They're usually flavors of fruit. I smell them everywhere."

Energizer grabbed his drum mallets and left the room. Twenty minutes later, the bunny was still going and going and going and going up and down the hallway, beating his bass, muttering under his breath.

Cap'n Crunch's face was starting to show his frustration with the case. Sheriff Jolly Green and Deputy Michelin Man had joined them at the conference table, and Detective Toucan Sam had just finished telling them about the marshmallow evidence.

Michelin Man nodded as Sam concluded. "You know who we should call in here? Lucky. He's the marshmallow expert. If anybody knows about chocolaty marshmallows, it's gonna be Lucky. You want me to go pick him up, boss?"

"Ho, ho, ho," said Jolly Green. "That's a super idea. I'll call him up and tell him you're on your way."

* * * *

Lucky listened as carefully as he could. Whenever he was separated from his marshmallow surprises, he was anxious, and even sitting in the police station talking about marshmallows made him wish he'd grabbed a Xanax on the way out.

When Toucan Sam finished telling him about the chocolaty marshmallows, Cap'n Crunch said, "So, Lucky. This marshmallow idea is staying crunchy, even in milk, if you know what I mean."

Lucky had no idea what he meant, but he nodded. "Let me ask ya this," Lucky said in his leprechaun brogue. "Who else reports theft of marshmallow surprises? I can't be the only one. They're always after 'em."

The cap'n and Sam exchanged a look. "No, Lucky. You're the only one," the cap'n said with a sigh. "We need you to think. Who has chocolaty marshmallows? Can you think of anyone?"

"Let me see ... Who else has marshmallows? Everybody tries them from time to time. Even I went to the dark side once and had some chocolaty ones. Marshmallows come and marshmallows go, but I can't think of anyone with chocolaty—"

"Wait," Michelin Man said. "Marshmallows come and go. Kind of like this killer, right? What did Dig 'Em say about the guy that killed Cliffy the Clown?"

"Ho, ho, he said that everyone thought it was a vampire, but that's a great, big pile of rubbish," Jolly Green said. "Why are we wasting time talking about imaginary monsters?"

"Right," Deputy Michelin said. "Monsters. What about those monster guys that were here all those years ago. Do you remember them, Lucky?"

"I do. I do!" he cried. "Frankenberry, Boo Berry, and," he said, as he looked up triumphantly, "Count Chocula! A vampire! With chocolate marshmallows!"

"Ho, ho, ho," said Jolly Green. "I thought he vanted to eat your cereal."

"Aye!" Lucky said. "At first, but I read in the Post that he had a problem with his molars! It got too hard for him to chew in the '90s, and he took to putting cereal through a blender."

The cap'n looked skeptical. He burrowed his bushy eyebrows and said, "But what would that have to do with these murders on Halloween each year? I don't see the connection."

At that moment, Energizer Bunny burst through the door, bass drum booming. "I have an idea," he said. "I know who to call."

* * * *

Technical Analyst Poppin' Fresh Doughboy's sweet voice came through the speaker on the phone.

"Well, Bunny, you were exactly right. Hoo hoo. I went through computer records for all three victims that we know about. They have one thing in common. A prostitute from the city, Ms. Green M & M. All three victims responded to her Craig's List ad and met with her on the day they died. I don't know how everybody missed this during the original investigations."

Police Chief Cap'n Crunch jumped in to defend his team. "We don't go crunching around with computers too much in our village here, sir. We don't really have good internet ser—"

"I'm not trying to place blame," he said. "Hoo hoo. Let's move forward here with a plan. Halloween is only a week away, and if Ms. Green follows her pattern, her victim is probably searching Craig's List as we speak. The team will be in town tonight to investigate Ms. Green. In the meantime, find out if anyone else in your village used her services. Hoo hoo."

"Are you okay, sir?" asked the cap'n.

"Me? I'm fine. It's just that somebody keeps poking me on Facebook. You'd think that by now, it wouldn't hoo hoo be so funny anymore." Doughboy sighed and broke the connection.

Toucan Sam turned to look at the other men at the table, his long nose moving slowly back and forth. "We need to set up a sting operation, and I know just the guy."

* * * *

October 31, 2015

Ms. Green knocked on the door of the motel room, glancing over her shoulder. Her chocolate center rumbled. She put her hand over her shell, hoping her new client didn't hear. She didn't need him knowing that she was nervous. The door opened, and she entered the room, lit only by candles. Beeswax, she thought. The scent hung heavily in the air.

"Hello?" she said, looking around, not seeing him at first. She clutched her purse tightly to herself, keeping her weapon close to her body. The buzzing noise behind her startled her, making her jump. She turned around slowly, feeling goosebumps on the back of her shell.

"Good morning," Buzz the animated honeybee said. "I'm Buzz. It's very nice to meet you."

"Hello," she said. "I'm Ms. Green."

"You sure are!" he buzzed louder than necessary. "Sorry. I'm nervous. I've never done anything like this before."

Green forced a smile. "I'll treat you real nice, Buzzy. C'mon. Have a seat over here." I do not get a good vibe from this guy, she thought to herself. "You're not a cop, are you?" Her eyes narrowed as she examined the bee in the dim light.

"Gracious, no!" Buzz said with a nervous laugh. "No way, no how. I'm just a honeybee. I work pretty hard, and my friends thought I could use some time to relax with a beautiful woman."

"So they called me?" Green was skeptical.

"One of my friends, um, used your, um, services before," Buzz stammered. His thoughts raced. She knows. Ms. Green rose and went to the mirror on the wall over the dresser. The two-way mirror, installed by the FBI just this morning. Oh my god. She knows. She's gonna kill me for sure. "Why don't you come over here and let me buzz you? I think you'll find it very arousing."

The bee laid it on thick. Too thick, thought Green as Buzz appeared in the mirror next to her. "I'm not so sure about th—"

Buzz covered Green's lips with a kiss, cutting her off. As the kiss deepened, Green's head spun with lust. This bee had a hold over her. She couldn't figure it out, but when she saw the pile of money on the nightstand, she let herself succumb to the bee and his sweet kiss.

On the other side of the two-way mirror the FBI installed that morning, Agent Mister Peanut and Agent Mister Clean watched laughing nervously at the glass. "I'm not even sure how they're gonna do it," said Clean. A bee and a candy-coated chocolate are not the kind of couple that God intended."

"It's not natural," Peanut agreed, "but who are we to judge? The bee chose to do it, despite the risk of becoming her next victim."

"Yeah," said Clean. "That bee is definitely a little ... different."

Detective Toucan Sam sat at the tiny table in the motel room, trying to decide between a raspberry filled doughnut and a strawberry jelly. "These flavors of fruit. I just don't know which to choose."

"Follow your nose, Sam. Have them both," said Deputy Michelin Man. "I had three already."

Sheriff Jolly Green Giant paced back and forth, clearly uncomfortable with the shenanigans in the next room. "Yes, indeed, Michelin. You look like you've made a steady diet of doughnuts over the years."

Michelin shot him a look and joined the agents at the window into the room where Buzz was going down on that sweet piece of green ass. Buzz and Michelin had met at Jolly Green's Fourth of July picnic the summer before. Buzz was a good guy. He couldn't imagine why the team would put him in harm's way for this operation.

Buzz flew between Ms. Green's slender legs, careful not to sting her. He was no sadist. His one goal for the day, other than staying alive and catching the murderer, was to make Ms. Green come her chocolate-filled brains out. He buzzed better than any vibrator, and after a few minutes, Green was moaning and squashing his tiny bee body between her knees. Making women come was his specialty. Toucan Sam hired him for this job because he knew about the bee's prowess, and he would not disappoint Sam or the woman spread wide before him, her high heels accentuating her sexy legs.

"Oh, god. Buzz, you're gonna make me come. Oh. You're the best, Buzzy," she moaned. She hadn't had a man like this in years. Only one other man had fucked her with such fervor, such talent. Just that one man, but he'd been a biter, and she had to break it off with him. "Buzzy. Right there. Keep going, just like that."

Agent Peanut waved the others to the window. "I wouldn't believe it if I weren't seeing it with my own eye," he said, holding his monocle firmly to his face.

"Good thing I can't smell through the glass," said Toucan Sam. "I'd break the window trying to get a piece of that action."

"Yeah," said Deputy Michelin. "I've never been this hard before. If this goes on much longer, I'm gonna have to seek immediate medical attention for an erection lasting more than four hours."

Sheriff Green looked at him with disgust from across the room. "They've only been in there for forty-five minutes."

Michelin's cheeks reddened. "I was looking forward to the show."

Agent Clean hid his arousal with anger. "Get the hell outta here, you pervert."

Peanut smiled as he adjusted his erection. "I have to say. Our boy has some skills. I thought he make her ass sting and call it a day, but she's so wet, you can see it from here."

"Keep it in your pants, Peanut," said Clean. "I don't need to see your nuts."

He held up his hands to push the others away from the window, but a movement on the other side of the glass distracted him. There was something in the corner, near the ceiling. The lawmen weren't the only voyeurs present.

Ms. Green gasped when she saw the enormous penis jutting from the bee. True, the animated bee was much larger than any she'd seen in nature, but she wasn't expecting such a large piece of equipment from such a small creature. "Are you sure that's not your stinger?"

"No, honey. Don't be afraid of it. It can't hurt you." Buzz chuckled. "Just don't break it off, like the queen bees do."

Green smiled and took his enormous tool into her mouth. "You taste like honey," she mumbled around his cock. She moved her tongue up and down his shaft, forgetting all about the stinger that was tucked away behind him. Lust powered her now. The money on the nightstand no longer mattered. She forgot about the whittled-to-a-sharp-point wooden shank she kept in her purse. She even forgot about Him. The biter. The man that drove her to prostitution to support herself in order to escape his clutch.

Up and down she bobbed on Buzz's cock, gagging when he hit the back of her throat as he hovered in front of her face, fucking it hard. She reached for him, wanting to hold him close, but he stayed just out of her reach.

"Oh, Green," moaned Buzz. "You are an amazing cocksucker. Oh my god. I'm gonna come right in your mouth, honey." When the spasm hit, it shook his body so hard, he slipped from between her lips, splashing her green candy shell with his sweet spunk. Spurt after spurt hit her face, giving her the sweetest facial of her life. She licked off what she could, and used her hand to collect the rest. Buzz finally landed on the bed next to her, buzzing drowsily in her ear. "Green, that was a honey of an O. That's for sure. If you're gonna kill me now, I'll die a happy man, just like Cornelius."

Green bolted upright as fast as her shell would allow. "What did you say?"

"What?" Buzz said, confused. He was awake now, but he didn't remember what he'd said.

"Cornelius the Cornflakes Cock?" she asked. "Is that who you're talking about?"

Buzz blushed, realizing that he'd just blown his cover. "Um, yeah, I guess. I was dozing, so I'm not sure what I said."

"You think I killed Cornelius?" Her face was a mask of horror. "Is that why you're here? You are a cop, aren't you?"

"No! It's not like that!"

Before the men watching from the other side of the glass could react, the movement in the corner grew into a full-sized presence: a man with fangs and a brown cape. He grabbed Buzz by the neck. "I vant to eat your cereal," he said.

"What the heck?" Jolly Green Giant said behind the glass, just as Agent Peanut and Agent Clean busted through the door of Buzz's room with their guns drawn.

"Count! Put him down!" Ms. Green screamed. Buzz tried jabbing him with his stinger, but it wasn't long enough.

"Your weapons have no effect on me!" the man in the cape said. "I am immortal!"

"Let go of the bee," said Agent Peanut, aiming his gun directly at the vampire's face. "Put him down, and no one has to get hurt."

"Never! He defiled my lady. My beautiful Green. He must pay!" His fangs glistened, reflecting Toucan Sam's flashlight.

"He's been stalking me for years," Ms. Green said. "I've tried everything to get away from him, but he follows me." She sobbed loudly. "When he finds me, he . . ."

"Count Chocula, you're under arrest for the murders of Underwood Devil, Umbrella Girl, and Cornelius the Cock," Detective Sam shouted. "Don't add another murder charge. Let the bee go."

Ms. Green continued to sob. No one saw her inching closer to her purse. No one saw her take the weapon from the front compartment. No one noticed as she crept toward the count, who still held the bee by the neck. No one noticed her at all until she spoke. "Take me instead, Count. You know I'm the one you want."

"No, Ms. Green," said Sheriff Jolly Green. "You come here, with me."

"No. Take me, Count. I'm not afraid of you anymore. I'll go with you. Just let the bee go free."

Count Chocula smiled. "Oh, Green. You could have done this years ago and saved all of us so much trouble. One could even say that these deaths are your fault."

"He's lying, Ms. Green," said Agent Mister Clean.

"You're right, Count. Take me, and make me yours forever. Let the bee go." He eased his grip just enough to let Buzz wiggle from his grasp. He fell to the floor with a light thud.

Ms. Green rushed into the count's embrace where he pulled her tight to his chest. Lowering his head, he bared his fangs and thrust them through her candy shell just as she jammed the wooden shank through his back into his heart. It was barely long enough to reach her target, and she held him tightly, not letting him go. His howl shattered the glass of the two-way mirror and got the agents moving.

Agent Clean grabbed Ms. Green, and Agent Peanut tackled the vampire just as he turned back into the chocolate marshmallow bat body in which he'd arrived. In this more compact figure, the small wooden stake reached its target and pierced his heart all the way through. With a quiet poof, the marshmallow bat exploded, coating the room in the familiar chocolate dust found at the crime scenes.

Ms. Green crumpled to the floor, crawling to Buzz while the agents and officers looked at each other in shock. No one spoke for a full minute until Sheriff Jolly Green Giant finally broke the silence. "A gosh darn vampire. Who'd a thunk it?"