All Comments on 'Willing Slave, Unwilling Master'

I like the chance for complexity your scenario has. Confusion, misunderstandings... I look forward to what's next.

I'm so excited to read what comes next!

And I hope you're one of those rare authors who updates very frequently.

I'm hooked

Brilliant start, just keep the episodes coming regularly and you will have a following.

Awesome

Well worth the read, my only regret was that it finished too quick. A damn good read and I just hope the rest of this story gets on this site real soon.

Thanks for posting this.

This is probably the first time I've ever given a 5 star rating on this site to a story that doesn't (yet) contain erotica. You absolutely have real talent. Far from being "rubbish", this is probably one of the best written things that I've read on this site in a long time. I'll actually suggest that as much as I look forward to this saga continuing here, you really should consider writing a version that is safer for public consumption and publish it as an ebook.

You've come up with an interesting concept, and engaging characters from the very beginning. Enough exposition to explain your concept, but left enough room to expand on things as the story develops.

The dialogue is well written and believable. The story flows naturally and was well edited.

Bravo. I can't wait to read more!

What a great start, relly enjoying the way the characters are developing.

You may need to proof read a little more, (women plural vs woman singular), but the story is so good that the little errors don't detract too much.

I'm really looking forward to future instalments.

thanks

I've really enjoyed reading this, and hope it's the first instalment of many more to come. Your technique of writing is very good, and the story and character interaction is very interesting. I very much like the different perspectives from the two characters. Looking forward to read a lot more of your writing, if you still plan to write more!

Really interesting concept behind the story, looking forward to reading more

A good start just wish it had been a longer chapter. Hope to see the next chapter very soon.

Please continue!!

I enjoyed this story's beginning. I like the concept, I like how the characters are so very different, and I like ho you're not trying to rush it to the sex scenes. I would be happier if the installments were made longer in the future, but that doesn't matter too much. Just keep writing!

Enjoyed the setup, looking forward to more.

Great start to storyline.

Don't wait too long to get next chapter out; don't want to loose the audience.

Good start

Great start, though, I like the man in the story, I don't like the idea of slaves. I have the feeling that there will be a more positive out look to this story.

Now give us the story! Pretty please! :)

Love seeing it from the slave's perspective. Good to see the submission comes from true desire rather than fear and cruelty.

Please keep the story going.

I do hope you continue.

Keep goin. See potential here

Congratulations LifeonVil,

I would not normally read a story with 'Slave' in the title, but to see a SciFi & Fantasy story at the top of the 24hrs Public Comments list rather than a Loving Wives story is unusual. Then to read the comments and find them all favourable, combined with a current score averaging 5 is even more unusual. I had to read this story.

I have to agree with all the other comments. This is a most enjoyable story. The concept of an anti-slave believer being required to own a slave together with a slave who expects to be treated harshly provides interesting possibilities for your story.

I also thought that it was written competently and constructed well. I don't usually like switching from one first-person narrator to another first-person in the same story, but it seems to work well here.

I agree with InsertName's comment about the need for a bit more proof reading. I know it's pedantic to pick up spelling and grammar, but I'm a pedant and it does avoid distractions if there are no errors. (eg: Women pl used instead of Woman sing, lower case i'm rather than upper case I'm for example.)

Your biographical notes give no information about you, and I for one like to know something about authors. It helps understand the story to know a few things about the author. I assume that you aren't from the good ole USofA as you have given Rose's nether end the name that I would give it (arse rather than ass).

Again, my congratulations on your first submission.

Lue

Keep going!

I'm captivated.

Outstanding first chapter. A concise but satisfying introduction to the characters and their predicaments.

Now really wow us with a great follow through chapter that intensifies our interest in them as real people. Make me fall in love with them!

asianToy

The story is good but there are grammatical errors all over the place.

I can't wait to read more.

For the love of God please keep writing this do not let it die.

I really like how the feelings and mindset of Dan and Rose are so well defined. I look forward to reading more about these characters and their world.

(I'm usually fairly tolerant of grammar and spelling, but you might want to have an editor take a pass before posting. :-)

This is fine story, and true speculative fiction, and not simply the minor trappings of science fiction used for wish fulfillment. If the story demands sex, put it in, but don't feel obligated. My bet is most, if not all, of your readers don't care. You have a sexual tension which may be all that is required. So looking forward to new installments.

So Rose is not truly a traditional slave. Dan will like that.

A fine start to a much longer story we hope, I hope. Literature erotica, to many stories focus on the latter, no one has sex all the time don't let a boner get in the way of a story.

OH keep your story in the same category it easy to lose a writer if there is some delay between chapters and you jump to first time or non consent.

The number of comments for good or anonymous ly bad mean as much as the ratings. You have some very nice comments.

Please don't keep us/me waiting for a long period of time, but please keep your good story, good.

Sincerely;

Maddict. *~*

Really enjoying it so far, thank you for posting!

This story has much potential. Please continue.

Nicely done. I will echo some of the other comments about the help an editor can be, and I will also echo some other comments that this story has some great potential. Very interesting start, and you did a nice job of giving two (maybe 3) characters some real depth.

I think your story has an excellent concept, something that needs to be further explained in future episodes, for example how did breeding of these exotic slaves help end the Human Vil war. (If I've got that right) There are some logical inconsistencies, eg why would Rose expect a lash when she obeys the order to eat? On the one hand Rose is almost unbelievably submissive, yet on the other she was caned for "making a fuss" leaving the other slave girls?

I don't want to repeat the remarks of leudon and others, but more proof reading and editing are definitely required, despite the irony that many commenters don't bother to proof their own comments. I believe that there are volunteer editors on Literotica who will be happy to help you.

Please keep writing - these critiques are meant to be helpful, not discouraging!

You've started an interesting story line here and I'm very curious where it'll lead.

I'd love to see where you take us with this.

When's the second chapter gonna be out?

Wow, what a response! Thank you all so much! When I posted this I never dreamed it would get so much attention. I’m very grateful for all your comments and I have read through them, I can’t answer each individually so I will try and put together some answers here:

Editing/Proofreading.

I did my best but I still obviously missed things. To be honest I didn’t think anyone would read this, so at the time looking for a proofreader seemed a little overkill. Now however I will make it my top priority.

If anyone is up for the challenge and has some patience to work with a rookie writer I would be immensely grateful. I’ve set up an email if you’re interested: Lifeonvil@gmail.com

When’s chapter two happening?

I’ve written the first five chapters, mostly for my own enjoyment and to see if the story could go somewhere. I think I have a fairly solid plan as to how everything will end, but I don’t know how many chapters that will take.

As for when the next chapter will be posted it kinda depends on how quickly I can set things up with a proofreader, once we’re both happy that it’s not terrible it will be posted.

Chapter length

I saw a few people asking for longer chapters, it’s a little tricky from my point of view. I tend to write until I feel like I’ve reached a natural breakpoint then continue into a new chapter. I don’t really want to add ‘filler’ to pad out chapters. Though I can’t explain how happy it makes me that people want to read more.

A few other things

Punji: ‘I’ll actually suggest that as much as I look forward to this saga continuing here, you really should consider writing a version that is safer for public consumption and publish it as an ebook.’

I’m beyond flattered. It would be something to think about if there was interest, but for the moment I think I will focus on completing the story for all you lovely people for free.

Luedon: ‘Your biographical notes give no information about you, and I for one like to know something about authors. It helps understand the story to know a few things about the author. I assume that you aren't from the good ole USofA as you have given Rose's nether end the name that I would give it (arse rather than ass).’

I’ve updated the bio a bit, but you’re right. I’m from jolly old England. Oh, and I like the term ‘nether end’ I must try and make use of it somewhere. =D

— — —

Thank you all again so much for reading and responding, I’ll see you all in chapter two.

LifeonVil

tl:dr: First 5 chapters written, looking for a proofreader. Chapter two soon(tm).

There were some grammar issues here and there too. A beta reader would help with all this.

The question of "what's going on" should at least be partially answered in the first couple of paragraphs, or you'll find readers will move on without reading further. You don't need to give away the keys; something that hooks the reader should be sufficient.

Still, it was a nice opener to a longer story. I'd like to see more.

Good story idea, interesting to see the different characters views/persepctives. I hope Emily is involved as a bridge between the two characters who can act as a sub or dom depending on the situation. Try to be careful with spelling and grammer. Overall great potential and I hope this becomes a long series as the master-slave relationship develops.

I really enjoyed this, and can't wait for the next chapter!

I have a good understanding of all the main characters and the world they are in. Looking forward to adding more details as the story continues.

Well done and thanks for writing!

When are you planning on releasing part 2!?!?!??

No shit.

Out with the 2nd chapter already, mate!

Unusual concept, but with lots of possibilities. I can't wait to see what develops, but please keep Dan in possession of his moral compass, because I would hate to see him turn into a douche and the story turn into your typical bdsm plot.

Oooh, I like this. I like this a LOT. I love the interaction between Emily and Rose, especially. Emily has this "I know he's silly and doesn't punish you right, but try to put up with him" sarcasm that I really like lol

JC

A very imaginative concept. I applaud you. I'm hooked already. Easily worthy of five stars or more. Just one little thing; an adult female is a womAn. The plural ( two or more) is women. Not a big issue, but quite disconcerting in the opening of an otherwise very enjoyable story. Please continue.

The story seems like it will be interesting, but there are far too many spelling and grammatical mistakes. Even something as small as a missing comma makes it hard to understand what you're trying to say. Please use someone to edit.

I like the potential for this story, but please get an editor/proof-reader. It's likely this will fix most of the downsides of this story.

thinking you could do a nice job of adding more chapters to the story its quite a decent read

I normally do not nit-pick, as most submissions are by amateur writers. I suggest you get a good editor. This site has many writers that will assist in this manner. Your 5th paragraph, is a train wreck. You protagonist comes across a WOMAN. You use the plural women in paragraphs 5,9,10,11, and 26 (before I quit checking) Also, sisters is plural, you should have used the possessive SISTER'S. And finally in the same paragraph, the word Brussels is a city; a TUFF is the word to describe a group of feathers. I really do like the premise of your story. Best of luck!!

Reminiscent of Larry Niven. I look forward to reading more :)

It was your title that claimed my attention. The story has its problems but it is an excellent story-line. Good job.

This is incredible! I will be actively following this story. Don't listen to anyone telling you to make a 'safe' version to publish. If you want it published, do NOT make it 'safe'. If people don't want to read it, they don't have to, but altering it to make it 'safe' would make it an entirely different story. I would buy this book in a heartbeat, if it were an actual published work.

Thanks for writing. Look forward to more instalments.

I fall in and out of love with literotica. Sometimes it seems the stories are all the same, the sort of thing you've read a thousand times before. And then other times, your persistence is rewarded and you find something that just wows you with wonders you couldn't conceive of before. This is just such a story.

It was chapter 7 of this story that came up on the second page of a search for 'dystopian'. That's what I was on the lookout for. I thought it was an interesting title and I do love a bit of slavery! But then, after I'd read a few paragraphs, I must admit, I was all set to abandon it when I realised that it was Sci-Fi involving aliens.

I am SOOOOOO glad I persisted with it. As soon as the narrative changed from Dan to Rose and I realised what was going on, I fell instantly in love with it. I adore how you have the two viewpoints running concurrently, allowing insight from both perspectives. I am glad too that the characters are compassionate, rather than the typical slave/slaver dynamic or the manipulative one-sided power trip.

I have only read the first chapter so far, but I just had to tell you before going any further - you've got gold here. And genuine talent.

Thank you, male from England, from female from Wales!

Zoe.

and yet so very intriguing!

I'm very much enjoying your descriptions, I do hope you stay dedicated to exploring the details both as Rose sees the world and as we see Rose.

Very much looking forward to what you do with this, now that I'm well and truly hooked ;)

J

I'm working on a story where slavery is integral the society ~ the whole sub-species is slaves to a specific galactic overlord race ~ parts and parcels of this intriguing fantasy have fired my imagination. Thank you and excellent job, LifeonVil.

James aka FinalStand

back to read the beginning again. after chap 10, i realize some important details you've laid out here!

great story and writing! i know you are writing more as feasible.

At one point we get "You know how to punish yourself if things start to slip right?" and yet later "But now i'm terrified, what if he's really rough with me? What if it only hurts?"

If the 'lower vil' need pain to stay sane then 'only hurting' wouldn't be an issue. Wouldn't Rose be hoping he'd be rough with her?

I'm a little confused as to Dan's character. Not only has he grown up with one of these slaves, but he is also involved in an abolitionist movement. So why does he seem so ignorant of their ways. Wouldn't living with Emily give him enough insight to know how his words and actions would be interpreted by Rose? To know she wouldn't be used to having a variety of food just offered to her? Or that telling her not to call him 'master' would make her think he didn't want her?

Just because he doesn't like the concept doesn't mean he shouldn't understand how it works.

Interesting beginning and looking forward to how their relationship develops. Reading on.

OMG I LOVED THIS!!! This chapter was absolutely incredible! I wrote a series several years ago that was very similar to this, and you have brought back all of the memories, though still being very original. I am not used to non-human characters because I don't tend to read sci-fi, but this is so amazing that I am definitely going to read more!

Not into scifi stories as such but started this so will see how it goes. Some grammatical errors which is a shame.

Freaky good, looking forward to reading more if this thing!

wish there was more to this story.. it cuts off just as its starting to become immersive enough to really enjoy

desperately NEEDS editing!

very good. needs editing for stuff like:

women to woman

bold to bald

etc

what does the below mean? can trains overtake like cars?

I have no idea how complex train lines must have been to operate before trains could overtake each other.

Yes it was a good start to this story NOW all you have to do is finish it.