All Comments on 'Without You I Have Nothing Ch. 06'

But not quite all of it? I wonder if she will put up with ownership. At least he is acting in a civilised (sort of) manner. John B.

I can only say that this story has me hypnotized... I need more...

<p>At often times it seems kinda "disjointed". By that I mean things like this for example:</p>

<p><i>I leapt on the back of the Chinese and beat him with my fists. Laughing, the Chinese hurled me against a wall and bellowed to the cook, to take The Little One out.</p>

<p>"Our cook and our amah took me out into the servants' quarters to impress on me the need to say nothing to my father."</p>

<p>Putting his head in Jennifer's lap Peter paused but held her hands tightly in his as if seeking her strength to help him to continue.</p>

<p>Jennifer was ashen and speechless. Pandora's Box was open and she had to accept the consequences. She sat, unable to interrupt as the story unfolded.</p>

<p>"I remember that we had packed and were off for a holiday to the Cameron Highlands, the cool resort area. Mum and Dad could not stop hugging and kissing and saying it was their second honeymoon.</i><p>

<p>What happened with the Chinese guy and his mother? Where did that explaination go? Why were they "living" there? Who was the man? Why was "he" there? Where was his father during these times? Did this happen often enough that the servants just seemed to ignored it? Why didn't they come to her defense instead of helping keep Peter out of the way? Why was the mother putting up with it? How did Peter feel about it when he found out? Why did he not say anything? What was the time line between the Chinese guy and this "Vacation"?<p>

<p>While I often just accept some of what I was reading, a lot seems to be broken trains of thoughts as I went along. And this seems to be happening a lot as I read along in each chapter, and after a while it's really starting to make it hard to keep up with what is going on in the story because you often start one point, and then suddenly skip to something totally different, but never really completing the thought process you were developing in various paragraphs.</p>

<p>Like for example in this chapter, in the car you have Peter all pissed off about Jennifer from the night before, but I have no idea about what because I couldn't really follow the exchange. I have no idea how long Jennifer was there at the club before Peter came, and if she was really there to meet Peter, why was the other guy trying to lead her back to the dance floor once the dance ended? Didn't she tell him her date was there? Why was she even <i><b>ON</b></i> the dance floor, if she was there to wait for Peter? And if she didn't want to be in the company of other men as she stated so many times before, why was she dancing with this <i>random</i> stranger so carefree? And why is she "Ice Queen" to co-workers and Peter, but random dance partner are totally able to get to see some decent skin and wild dancing with her dress flying up in the air? What happened from story 1-4 to change her into the wild dancer of chapter 5 that had people standing back and admiring/watching her dance? What changed in her attitude? Why is Peter accepting Bob's comment, "She came to see you" when, as he stated, she flipped out over him kissing her, but now she bumping and grinding on the dance floor with a perfect stranger? According to the story so far, she doesn't seem to be acting according to her character but as a totally different person all together. And when Bob said that Jennifer was upset from the night before because Peter left, she never really acted like it and totally seemed to be concentrating on letting Peter rant at her while she sat back and took it. Totally different from upset lady from chapters 2-4, never showing any emotion other than suspicion of men, yet random stranger has her dress up in the air. Why? This is totally out of character for how you developed her from earlier and up to that point, and never really explained the change in her.</p>

<p>And why would she still think he was gay if he kept saying things like "The big room is for my wife if I ever find her" and through lip locks during the times they were practicing for the play? Before that I could see her questioning it, but after that it made no sense. Most women pick up on these things pretty quick. And according to the first story you developed her as a pretty good judge of character and a good listener. Why is she ignoring what she's hearing, seeing, and feeling (by his kissing her on stage I mean)?</p>

<p>And the beach scene played out like she totally was his girlfriend and that they had some minor arguement that they quickly got over. I didn't read in the story anything other than Bob saying she was waiting for him. And that seemed to be all that was required for him to get over her acting all friendly with another man while he was working so hard to get her to like him and open up? That part lost me. It felt like you just wrote a quick excuse to have them get past a sticky point. Then why all the anger at her cutting loose with a stranger at the club? The explaination just didn't fit the situation that was created.</p>

<p>I'm not looking for all the answer, just plausible ones to fit what you wrote to explain why they started acting like old lovers by the time they got back into Peter's car.</p>

<p>I don't mean to seem harsh, because I really liked your story. I read chapters 1-6 all at once so that I could have an idea of what you were getting at. But at times it's hard to follow because it feels like your not completing one thought before you start off on a new one. And it leaves a lot of loose threads for most readers to try and tie up before they can move on. Eventually it becomes too hard to keep up with.</p>

-Risq

<p>Something kept feeling wrong, so I went back and re-read Chapters 5 and 6 and here is what it was, in Chapter 5 you wrote:</p>

<p><i>"Hello, fancy meeting you here?" Jennifer stood at Peter's elbow her face flushed with the exertions of the dance. Wiping perspiration from her face with a delicate lace handkerchief she continued, "You didn't tell me this was your scene. <b>I thought you'd be home playing..."</b></i></p>

<p>I'm at a loss here, because right after that paragraph everything started going wrong for her and Peter. But later Ted said this in part 6:</p>

<p><i>

"For heaven's sake, Peter behave. Pull yourself together." Quietly Ted whispered in Peter's ear, trying to bring him back to sanity, as he lay there captured.</p>

<p>"What happened last night? <b>Jennifer was there to dance with you</b>," Peter believed he was about to faint, "and after you were tossed out I had to drive her home." </i></p>

<p>Huh? When did Peter ask Ted what happened last night? Why did Ted think Peter was upset about last night? Why didn't he try to tell him before he saw Jennifer and not later in the afternoon? How does the reader know any different between chapters 5 and 6.</p>

<p>Chapter 5 gave me the impression she was there at the club to have a good time without Karen, Ruth, Bob, or Ted around. All it seemed to take was dancing with a stranger who was a "<b>pimply faced, disreputable youth</b>" who was twirling her up, down, over, and under him on the dance floor to turn her from shy wall flower to sex symbol over night. Why would she think everyone wouldn't be shocked by her actions when she was acutely aware that everyone called her "Ice Queen" because she was so standoff'ish? And somehow all it took was Ted saying "she was there to meet you" for Peter to forget what he saw and that he was upset with her?</p>

<p>This is also what I meant by disjointed and where somethings don't seem to fit together. I had to go back and check again to find out why it felt wrong as I re-read my comment I posted earlier. And I'm sorry in my other post I kept saying "Bob" when I meant "Ted".</p>

-Risq

I admit that Jennifer just does not feel right. After the apparent attack of rage the previous night and the declarations that he felt that she was dancing with and giving attention to everyone else, how can she fail to understand what is going on? Remember she is a lawyer and supposedly is so good that she heads up the legal department.

She has to be sharper than she shows in the story!

I admit that I enjoy and give high marks to the story but

I can not understand Jennifer... She sounds more like a high school student than a highly qualified professional. Personally if I were Peter I would have her replaced as head of the legal department and as my muse.

I warned you that you were getting your readers upset. Your novel has more points in it than a spiny anteaters tail and I keep likening it to a 'who-dun-it' but I am still at a loss.

Your description of the wild black Irishman (Peter) so prone to explode yet so ready then to laugh and wonder what the hell all the fuss is about is so apt.

So you have knowledge of the Communist groups in the jungle and how their leader used Penang as R&R.

I would love to uncover you identity as each chapter reveals another facet of life which has forced Peter into the mould of irrational dealings with Jennifer.

Now what about the female lawyer what of her history?

Hmmmmmmmm.

At least you are making an enjoyable novel but you are forcing me to think and a lopt of readers do not want to think.

You haven't lost your Aussie idioms at all

Keep this going please.

1+1=2 2+1=3 Nothing disjointed in that. A natural sequence flowing from events

would still stick out like a big, purple sore thumb in Asia, from northern China (where there are taller people, with fair skin, although still Asiatic) to the tip of the Malay penninsula, where the gene stock is fairly dark, due to the Indo-Austronesian gene stock, including kinky hair, influenced by African-Indian... <p>

especially if you're a "spy"! LOL

The scene in the bedroom with Peter´s mother does not make any sense at all to me as the reader. Did his mother have a lover?

Later on she and his father seem to be in love?

On the one hand your characters are just too perfect when it comes to education - he would have to have a very high IC indeed to speak and write all those languages - behaving in the way towards her just doesn´t indicate any psychological degree whatsoever- and she behaving even more strange.... hopefully they mature in the next chapters or I think I have given too much of my reading time to this story...

The narrative bounces all over the place. The dialogue between the players is erratic as is the staging of the scenes. When he goes to the club and she is dancing with that man just what is the purpose of the whole scene. It made no sense whatsoever. Then his outrage and her lack of any input about it was just meaningless. Same thing at the beach and most of the other points of interaction.

This could be good if there was more attention to the dialogue between the cast of the story so that it would flow better. The interaction between characters just starts and stops with nothing getting accomplished. Go back and read what you write. Then think about how someone else will be able to understand what you are trying to convey to them. You may know just what you want to say but unless you put into the proper word we, your readers, will never know what you want to say to us. You have talent and imagination so just use some thought and fill in the blanks.