A Long Good-bye

When I had to fly to England for work we arranged it so that it coincided with school vacations so that we could turn my trip into a family vacation. We spent time on Anglesey and Miranda and the kids spent days in the County Archives Office at Llangefni checking Parish Records for our family history. An almost hopeless cause as it turned out, because there were so many people of that surname and there were gaps in the records that meant that a continuous paper trail (microfiche) was impossible. The rest of the time was spent in London, me in meetings and the three of them doing the tourist bit, sightseeing trips around the city on the open top deck of the double-decker busses, ferry trip to Greenwich, bus trip to Bath, Stonehenge and Salisbury. They climbed to the top of St Pauls Cathedral to look over a foggy city. We went to a show in the West End and the trip came to an end far too soon.

Other holidays were spent closer to home but always together. We hired a campervan and drove up the coast to Cairns to escape our southern winter. This included trips onto the Great Barrier Reef and up into the hinterland. We hired a four wheel drive to travel into the red centre to see a flooded Lake Eyre, stopping at such places as Marree, William Creek, both of which we used as a base for the side trips out to the lake, Oodnadatta and its famous Pink Roadhouse before turning south through the opal mining town of Coober Pedy and its thousands of mines and its Underground Motel. From there we drove down the Stuart Highway, skirting the Woomera Protected area that was the site of atomic bomb testing back in the 1950's.

Miranda had this innate sense of what I was feeling. If I was having a rough day at the office she would suddenly appear at my desk and grab me and drag me out for a cup of coffee or a lunch, or, a couple of times she dragged me to a hotel and we spent an hour or two making love before she returned me to my office refreshed. She and Sarah, my PA, conspired on my birthday and Christmas presents, although Sarah told me that Miranda told her what she was proposing to get for me and asked her what she thought. She had never once disagreed or could think of a better choice, but Miranda's actions meant that she thought of herself as a part of our family.

For her fortieth birthday Sarah helped me to arrange a large celebration for her that included both of our families, our friends, my work colleagues and her bosses and those of her work colleagues that she was closest to, which was pretty much all of them. We booked out one of the best restaurants for the night (it was one of our favourites) and with Sarah's help spoke to all of the guests and swore them to secrecy, I told her that I was taking her to the restaurant before going on to the movies. Andrew and Jessica came with us to keep the celebration more authentic until we reached the restaurant. The look on her face when we walked through the door to be greeted by all of those people yelling 'Surprise' was priceless. With her mouth still open she turned on me and punched my arm. "How did you arrange this and keep it a secret from me?" Then she saw Sarah standing there with a conspiratorial look on her face. She walked over to her, "You bitch, you did this." She then hugged Sarah and kissed her. "Thank you, you're so good to us."

Our home was the fulfilment of another of our dreams. It was a design that we had discussed from the time that we realised that no home would be perfect that we did not design ourselves. We came up with concept drawings that we took to an Architect friend who took it on board and came up with the plans for our house based around an octagonal centre. Although the roof was square in plan, the building beneath it was not. At each corner there were octagonal rooms opening into the centre octagon. The front of the lower level was the living area with its hub the octagonal kitchen that was open to the front. The rear of this level was the utility area consisting of laundry, bathroom, toilet and a home office. On the upper level there were four bedrooms at each corner, each with en-suite, looking out to the view to the sea on one side and hills on the other. There was a balcony that ran around all sides and in the centre a balcony looked down to the living area. It was energy efficient in that it had solar panels for electricity and hot water, thickly insulated walls to maintain a comfortable core temperature requiring little if any heating and cooling. Its open plan living area suited our lifestyle. We loved it, it was ours from start to finish and we couldn't see living anywhere else.

We entertained when necessary for my work, the rest of the time was family time, and the kids became accustomed to spending time with us and comfortable enough to invite friends over, and in Julie's case to stay over. Our families visited often and Christmas was a gathering of both families. My parents and Miranda's had become best friends and even went on holidays together, coming back to regale us with tales of the great times that they had and suggesting that we should go there for our next vacation, giving us names and phone numbers of contacts that would give us a good deal on anything from accommodation to meals and tours.

Right through our lives together Miranda and I had a strong physical and emotional relationship. Our sexual relationship was an extension of this and, while we could have lapsed into a comfortable and probably boring sex life, we never did. We had a spontaneity that sometimes could have been uncomfortable if the kids hadn't become used to seeing us disappear into our bedroom at odd occasions, to emerge some time later emotionally refreshed. They didn't ask what we had been doing because, when we figured they were old enough to understand, we told them, and they accepted this as normal. Andrew had, the last time that Julie stayed over, disappeared into his room and they both emerged some time later with a happy expression on their faces. We had discussed this with them and told them that we were okay with this as long as it was more than just sex. The look that we got from them confirmed that their relationship had risen to a new emotional level and this was a part of the bonding process. Julie told Miranda that she and Andrew had known for some time that, what they had was based on the example that we had set for them, and that they hoped that they remained as happy as we were.

Even when the ravages of time began to show on our bodies, I had to look hard to see examples of this on her, but the appearance of grey hair on my chest and at my temples confirmed my advancing years, our lovemaking remained the same, and our times together in our bed were the best times. Vacations were great but were nothing compared to our bed time at home when we kissed each other softly, held each other before and after exploring each other's body and moving on to our jointly satisfying sexual experience. We never once saw the need to explore anal sex and oral sex was used as an integral part of the over-all sexual experience, the lead-up to the final, and simultaneously explosive, act.

Our life was perfect until; "Darling, are you feeling okay?" I asked her when I got home from work.

"No, I've been feeling a little off the past few days, I'll get over it."

"No, I'm ringing Doctor Matt and booking you in for a full check-up."

"That's not necessary, I'll be fine in a day or two."

"I insist. I'll ring him in the morning." I saw from her look that she knew that she wasn't fine. Our lovemaking that night wasn't quite the same, it was as if there was something on her mind and that she was trying to assure me that everything was fine. Both of us knew that it wasn't.

I went with her to Doctor Matt's surgery in the morning and he knew that something was wrong even before he examined her. He ordered a full series of blood tests and promised to contact us when the results came through. It was an agonising time for us over the next two days, trying to act as if nothing was wrong in front of the kids, it didn't work. Andrew knew that something was wrong with Miranda before we got the phone call asking us to come in and speak to Doctor Matt.

"I won't beat about the bush because I think that you already know what I'm going to say. What I will do is to go through the alternative treatments available to you and discuss with you the pro's and con's of all of them. We will then reach a decision, it is your decision, I'm just here on an advisory capacity, and I will honour the decision that you make. There's never an easy way to tell you this, so I'm going to come right out with it. The tests show that you have cancer, it is in the cervix and the uterus and will require radical surgery to see if we can arrest the spread. The problem with this cancer is that it is usually advanced before it is detected and this makes treatment even more difficult and the success rate less probable. You will need to see an Oncologist as soon as possible and I have one of the best standing by to see you this morning, it is that urgent. You will probably need a full hysterectomy and ongoing chemotherapy if we are to knock this on the head. The other alternative is to let nature take its course, it's up to you."

"My first instinct is to say I'm not giving it to this and I'll fight it to the bitter end, but then letting nature take its course has a certain dignity to it. If I have the hysterectomy how much longer will I have?"

"Who knows, six months or six years, it all depends on how advanced it is and how successful surgery is. My advice is to see the Oncologist before you decide what to do." He wrote down the name of the Oncologist and, after ringing his rooms, gave us the appointment time.

It was hard, Miranda was booked in for a CT scan that confirmed the worst and she was admitted straight into hospital for surgery. The kids were sad but supportive of me, they knew immediately when I arrived home after dropping her at the hospital, that all was not well and that I would probably not be able to cope with it. I wouldn't let them take time off from their studies but I went into work the next day to clear up any urgent work and organise time off. Sarah volunteered to bring work to me at home so that I wouldn't be hanging around the house like a bad smell feeling sorry for myself. Jessica got used to coming home and finding Sarah there with me, working, and the two of them even prepared the evening meal before Sarah went home.

"Dad, why don't you ask Sarah to stay for dinner?"

"Would you be okay with that?"

"Der, of course, she's nice, I like her."

"I'll think about it." Sarah stayed they next time she brought work over, and became a regular feature at our house even after Miranda came home, helping with caring for her if I was too busy, which wasn't often. The two of them were as thick as thieves and very close friends and, while life would probably never be the same, they made it bearable for all of us.

"I think that we should move Miranda to a hospital." Doctor Matt rang me after visiting her at home. "Her pain medication needs to be upgraded, she isn't coping with it at all well, and she really needs to be on auto-feed Morphine through a drip rather than a nurse coming in every day to give her injections. I have discussed it with her and she has left the decision to you, do we move her?"

"I say yes to that. It has become obvious that she is losing the strength to carry on. I try to lift her spirits but I'm afraid that I'm also losing out, I can't find the strength when I see her suffering like this. I'll come home and go to the hospital with her." This was the beginning of the final page in our life's diary, I was losing my Miranda and felt powerless to stop it. I buzzed for Sarah. "Sarah, I'm going home. We're moving Miranda to hospital, could you . . . ."

"I'll contact Andrew and let him know and I'll leave a message on Jessica's mobile telling her what's happened and pick her up from school and bring her to the hospital."

"Thank you, I don't know what I'd do without you." I grabbed my bag and was just about to leave when she grabbed my arm.

"Gordon, I'm sorry that it has reached this stage, but then I guess hospital is the best place for her, your Doctor would not have suggested it if it weren't. You take time off so that you can spend time with her, you need to do that. I'll bring any important work around to you and help Jessica prepare dinner and stuff like that. I want to help as much as I can and I want to be there for you." She looked sadly into my sad eyes.

"I know, and I appreciate that, thank you." I kissed her, don't get me wrong, it wasn't the kiss of a lover, it was a kiss of gratitude.

Sarah and I worked long into the night so I suggested that she should sleep over. We set up the spare room for her and the next day she brought her things over. The kids got used to her being there, Jessica and Sarah were looking after me, cooking dinner for me when I got home from the hospital. Sarah would pick her up from school and bring her to the hospital and the three of us would sit by her bedside talking with her and sitting silently during those moments when Miranda's strength gave way to sleep. In the background a nurse would slip in from time to time to check on the medication bag on the drip stand and write notes on her charts. Andrew and Julie would drop in on their way home from University and Sarah and Jessica would head off to prepare dinner.

The final day I sat by her bed holding her thin, cool hand, looking into her eyes, the one part of her body that wasn't about to let go just yet. "Darling, come closer to me." I bent to her. "I think that it is coming time for me to leave you, will you call the kids for me?" I hurried out into the corridor and rang Sarah.

"Sarah, I need you to call the kids and get them to come to the hospital, she has decided that it's time to go."

"I'm sorry Gordon, I'll get right on to it, and I'll pick Jessica up from school and bring her straight over."

"Thank you for that, see you soon."

We were all gathered around the bed, Andrew and Julie, Jessica, Sarah and Doctor Matt. He spoke to the nurses and they filled him in on her condition. "I think that she is ready to go." The nurse told him.

Miranda reached out a hand to Julie, "Julie, come here." Julie bent to her side. "Julie, I know that you'll look after my boy and make him happy. You two have my blessing for your lives ahead, I love you."

"I love you too, Mother." Julie kissed her and stood up, tears streaming from her eyes.

"Andrew, come." He bent in turn to his mother. "I love you my son, you have turned out to be the man I always knew that you would. You have a good partner in Julie and I know that the two of you will be good for each other always, bless you, both of you." He kissed her on the lips as he had always done and stood up, his eyes wet with tears.

"Jessica, please, come." Jessica was crying before she bent over the bed. "Don't cry my darling, I love you and I want you to look after your father, at least for the time being. Study hard and make a good life for yourself. I am proud of you already, I will be even more proud of you. I love you."

"Sarah, I need to speak with you." Sarah had a puzzled expression on her face. "Sarah, darling Sarah, I know that you love our man as I know that he loves you. He doesn't know it yet because his love for me has made that knowledge not possible, but he does. I am passing the baton to you, take care of our man, and make him happy, oh, and one more thing, when you get around to making love to him, think of Bolero, hum it to yourself and it will guide you through the experience. It worked for me the first time. Sarah, darling, he's yours now, I pass him to you with my blessing." Sarah leaned over and kissed her forehead. "No Sarah, on my lips please." Sarah rose from the bedside, tears streaming from her eyes, Jessica moved to her and hugged her.

I was the last. "Darling Gordon, we had such good times together, didn't we? I could not have asked for a better husband or a better life than I had in you, with you. I'm going to have to leave you now, but I leave you in good hands, the kids can look after themselves, Andrew and Julie are going to have as good a life together as we did and, as for Jessica, the sky's the limit with that girl. Don't let her give up on her future because she thinks that she has an obligation to look after you, you're old enough and ugly enough to fend for yourself. My Darling, it is time . . . .time for me . . . .to leave you . . . .kiss me as you did when we first met." I kissed her, lovingly, sadly, and as I took my lips from her she released her final breath as the monitor flat-lined.

My door opened and Jessica's head appeared. "Dad, there's a couple of men at the door, they say that they are policemen and that they want to have a word with you."

I got up off the bed and, bleary eyed followed her to the living room. "Can I help you?"

"Mr. Gordon Williamson, we have received information of a very serious matter and would like you to accompany us to the station to answer some questions."

"Can't we do this here?"

"It is a delicate matter connected with the death of your wife Miranda."

"For Christ's sake man, have you no respect. We have just today had her funeral, her ashes aren't even cool and you want me to answer questions about her death. Okay, what do you want to know?"

"Have you heard the term euthanasia?"

"Who hasn't?"

"The information that we have received is that you assisted in the process of her euthanasia."

"I did nothing of the sort, and even if I did, it would have only been me following her explicit instructions. Do you have any evidence, apart from what someone has told you, that would suggest the involvement of me, or any member of my family in her death?"

"Apart from the information, we have nothing, we just want to clear this matter up."

"What exactly was this information, I won't ask who gave it to you, and that made it imperative that you take the body before the organs were removed?"

"We were told that while your wife was in hospital a woman was living with you and that you were lovers, this suggested that you may have a motivation to assist with your wife's departure."

"In Miranda's final week, when it became patently obvious that she was going to die, she was taken to hospital where she could be cared for in her final days. The hospital was responsible for her medication, which, by the way she needed badly because of the pain that she was going through, and they have a record of the medication that she was given. I had neither the opportunity nor desire to interfere with their regimen in any way. All that you needed to do was to speak to the treating doctors and they would have shown you the records and speak to the Doctor who signed the Death Certificate, instead of your heavy handed approach. If my lawyer was here he would tell me not to answer any questions that might incriminate me or any member of my family. But I don't have to worry about that because none of us has done anything wrong. Her organs have been donated to recipients and her body cremated, in keeping with her instructions, so you have no evidence."

"How convenient for you, except that her body was not cremated, it was removed from the hospital immediately following your wife being declared deceased and taken to the mortuary and is being autopsied as we speak."

"And I suppose that you've held up the removal of her organs to be used for organ transplants."

"Yes, we have to test all organs."

"And in the process make them unsuitable for the purpose that Miranda specifically requested?"

"Yes, that will be the case."

"Then I am going to contact my Lawyer and have him contact the relevant hospitals and advise the families of those waiting for Miranda's organs that, if their loved one dies because of the delay, that they should sue you, the police, and the person who lodged the information with you. That person should also be charged with contributory manslaughter. Now I suggest that you contact your Medical Examiner and see if there are any salvageable organs left, because, if there aren't then the shit storm is about to begin, and the media will most definitely hear of this. Tell me, what was in the coffin that we said farewell to earlier today?"