A Raven for My Thoughts

"Ready for bed?" she asked. I nodded then she got up and walked towards her bedroom. I got up and followed her. When we got into bed, we started making out, which wasn't enough to get either of us excited enough for another round. We quickly tired of that and just looked at each other. She reached down between us and played with my balls, rolling them around in her fingers and gently squeezing. That didn't get me excited either, rather, it was relaxing. It had the same effect on me as a back massage would, but it was on a smaller scale. She broke the silence. "I like playing with your balls."

"You're catching up with me on the awkwardness meter."

"I don't care. I'm just saying what I'm thinking. Besides, you have nice balls."

"Oh shut it, turn around," I said.

She smiled, let go of my balls, and turned around. I pulled her in close to me and kissed the side of her neck. She sighed contentedly. My hand found its way between her breasts and waited there, feeling the rhythm of her heart. It was the most calming music I had ever heard. In no time at all, I drifted off.

*^*^*^*^*

I woke up to find Kat not at my side. First thing that went through my mind was that she had left again. Second thing is, why would she run away from her own apartment? I was relieved to hear some clattering coming from the kitchen. I walked out the room butt naked thinking that she lived alone in the apartment. Boy was I wrong. Her roommate was watching TV, and she had raised her head when she caught some motion from the corner of her eye. She immediately squealed and I immediately covered my crotch and ran back into the room. The only clothing I had brought to Kat's place was the pair of boxers I was wearing when we arrived.. And that was in the living room.

So, I did what any self-respecting man would do. I sat on the bed and panicked. Thankfully, Kat came in to calm me down a little.

"She left to get breakfast for herself. Here are your boxers," she told me. I put them on and followed her out the room expecting her to be joking about her roommate. Well, her sense of humor wasn't that great because her roommate had actually left.

"I should probably let my roommate know that I don't have my keys. He can bring me clothes as well." I called him up. It was early in the morning so he was not amused, but he was understanding. It's good to have a good friend as a roommate. When he arrived, Kat answered the door and got my clothes and key to save me the embarrassment of talking to my roommate when I was barely clothed.

After I got dressed, I came back out her room and saw Kat and my roommate chatting. This is where any person is glad they don't do anything crazy or weird because roommates are usually the people on campus that know you best. He had no stories against me.

"Hey, I let him join us for breakfast."

"Cool, I guess he deserves it."

The meal was rather awkward for me at least. To my delight, Kat was a good talker and kept my roommate busy while I sat quiet like the village idiot. Even though I was with two people that I knew well, I just felt weird with all three of us hanging out. Apart from that, I was thinking a lot. Kat was becoming a big part of my life. It was a little out of control, and I knew we were moving too fast. But, I liked it. It wasn't good because we got physical so fast, although that was a small part of it. I likedher, and everything about her. Her flaws, her quirks, and her past were a little messed up, but it didn't bother me at all. I wish it did, but it didn't. All her negatives perfectly balanced her positives, and that was something that I had never seen before. Yes, I was afraid, afraid of her apparent instabilities, and you know what, at any point, she could just leave me and it would be over. So, why was I so comfortable with what was happening? Why wasn't I running out the door since I had my clothes again? Mysterious indeed is human stupidity.

Shortly after breakfast, and my roommate unsuccessfully trying to do the dishes for Kat, he left, leaving Kat and I alone again.

"You were really quiet. Is something wrong?" I shook my head. "Then what's up?"

"I was just thinking, do you masturbate?" Yeah, great! Human stupidity just reached a new height. The first thing that comes to my mind is almost never the right thing to say, and I have just provided the proof.

She didn't flinch at all. She could've won millions with her pokerface. "No. Haven't since I was 14. Are you still bummed about last night?" What do you know? Stupidity actually worked this time. Yes, yes, I admit, I got really lucky.

I decided to carry on with my lie. "A little. But, it's fine."

"Well, since you have clothes now, do you want to get some condoms?"

I could've said yes. Hell, I was itching to say yes. Every newly born sperm in my testicles was screaming "YES!" but I didn't. "No. Kat, where do you see us going?"

She couldn't pokerface through that. "I don't know. Why are you asking?"

I guess I did still have lingering doubts. I wasn't sure if I was ready for her, for uncertainty, to lose my virginity.. Yes, I'm still a guy, I always have sex on my mind.

"I want a long term relationship. I want this to last. I want to know that you won't run away."

"You need to go," she said sternly, "Now."

So, I did. The door slammed loudly behind me, but I didn't look back. I wasn't at all surprised at her reaction. It was just natural to react that way to someone basically calling you untrustworthy.

I walked the 10 or so miles back to my apartment. I could've just called a friend, but I needed to move slow. I tried to think of nothing, but I could only think of everything. I couldn't sufficiently justify doing what I did. I had just walked away from something that could've been exciting, that might have led to something good, even if it was very temporary. But is a good, temporary something worth it? Well, that was my internal debate. Maybe I would redeem myself. Maybe I would salvage what I had with Kat.. Maybe.. Maybe.

That was what made a 10 mile walk go by too fast. By the time I got back to my apartment, I realized that I hadn't figured out anything. So, I studied. The mysteries of microprocessor instruction sets were a lot easier to solve than the mystery of Katyana. Besides, I had finals. Whatever happened to me focusing on school? Well, I did. I pushed Kat to the back of my mind, because finals were starting on Monday. It was Saturday.

*^*^*^*^*

It was Friday, and finals were over. I pulled two all-nighters in a row for my last two finals and I was ready to go into a coma. My friends invited me to a few parties, but I was definitely not going to go. Sleep was as precious as diamonds and I was intending to get a lot of it. Before that, of course, I needed to do a little thing to help me stay asleep. I opened up a new bottle of an expensive whiskey my sister gave to me. Usually I hated drinking straight whiskey, but this one was a big exception. It tasted worse when mixed than when I took it straight.

I had about 4 servings of the whiskey before I neatly packed it away in its box and slipped it under my bed. My buzz was perfect, not quite dizzy, but not quite in my right mind. I was perfectly drowsy, and I was going to sleep well.

As I got in bed, I couldn't help but hope that Kat would knock on the door and come in, as if nothing had happened. I would lose my virginity to her, then we would be in a solid relationship for as far as my mind's eye could see. I must have been a lot more intoxicated than I thought I was.

But she didn't. When I woke up the next day, I checked my Facebook. Katyana was "in a relationship" with some Andy McKinley. She hadn't contacted me at all since I walked out of her apartment so I had no idea how that came to be. Any hope at salvaging a relationship with Kat went out the window. My natural reaction was to be angry, and yes, I was very angry. I took a drive, almost wrecked the car in the process. For days, I pondered over why she did what she did and said what she said, then completely turned her back on it all. I could've easily asked her, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I was perturbed in any way. It's all so stupid. How did I know she would get satisfaction from it? Well, damaged souls always expect the worst.

I kept her in my Facebook friend's list. I'm ashamed to say that I checked her page often, looking for something. That something was unknown to me. It was pathetic, and I'm glad I realized that, although I am disappointed in how long it took. Thank goodness school wasn't going at the time because I spent a week mulling over Kat and not much else. School would've been in the back of my mind while I sulked and bitched about her. Grades would've dropped, and I would've been thrown further into depression. It was a waste of a week, a horrible waste.

Negativity aside, she did turn my life around, but not in the way I expected, nor in the way you as the reader expected. It was for the better, that's for sure, but not because she was in my life. She was out my life, and along with that, a certain stifling presence in my life. It's hard to explain what I took out of the experience or what left me. It's not tangible, not even by my imagination. But, when I got over Kat, I felt happy. Happier than before she happened upon my life. How is that possible? Quantum physics is easier than answering questions of that nature.

I know this isn't a satisfactory ending to the story. Believe me, it wasn't for me when I experienced it. But, I got out with more than what I went in with. My only regret was that I never found out why she chose Poe's raven as her tattoo.