A Rolling Chair Gathers No Moss

"We haven't talked about it, but this thing I got, it's not just that I can't walk, and feel nothing. It's...this is hard...but I can't feel when I need to pee, and muscles don't work either so I use catheters in the day and, shit, I sleep with fucking diapers, okay?"

"Yeah, it's okay."

"No it isn't. I fucking seep piss all the time and I can't do shit about it and I wake up in the morning with a big, heavy, soggy, smelly bloody diaper every morning. How pathetic is that? Well, I don't get a choice having that thing in my bed. You do."

"No I don't. Not if I want to sleep with you. And I do. Matter of fact, if you want to keep me out of your bed, you'll have to kick me out of it. And far as I've noticed, kicking ain't what you do best. I want to sleep with you and I need to sleep with you, or Mr. Blom will take me again."

"Mr. Blom?"

"He was with my mom for a while when I was like six. Never could stand him. He was in my dream."

"And he did something to you?"

"I think so. But I don't really know. I don't want to know.

She slept with Nils the rest of the night, and next night and next. By now Nils' bedroom was The bedroom and what had been Lisas bedroom was where the desks and PCs were. Both were happy with this arrangement and Mr. Blom did not show up.

Lisa loved to lay on her side with Nils spooning her from behind – strictly an upper body spoon since Nils still was hesitant to let her touch his nether half. But she loved the feel of his strong arms and chest and how warm he was. Nils loved it, too, embracing her petite body and feeling loving and strong and protective.

There was just one small dilemma.

"Don't you get, well, horny?" Lisa asked.

"Of course I do."

"What do you...do about it? You don't have to answer if..."

"No, it's okay. But, there's not a lot I can do about it, is there? I get horny, but I can't get orgasms or even hard-ons. The hornyness is just sort of there. Until it goes away."

"Shit. Sounds like some kind of torture."

"It's not that bad. I don't know how it would be if things were different, after all. How about you? You get horny?"

"Very, actually. Lately. Before, not so much."

"Ah." Nils said, with sadness in his heart because surely this would lead to Lisa going on the prowl for dicks in working condition.

This was one area in which Lisa had more experience and self-confidence than Nils, which was easy since he had none at all. She knew she was cute and that men desired her. Before, this fact had been more a drawback than an asset, but now, here with Nils, it felt good. She was pretty sure he wanted her and she knew damn well she wanted him.

She kissed him. Nils was blown away. He had done some buddy-kissing with girls he was friends with, including Lisa. This was something very different. Buddy-kissing was nice, but you could do it and think about...bowling or something at the same time. Now, nothing existed but Lisa and her lips – warm, searching, alive and slightly chipped.

"Is this bad for you?" Lisa asked. "That horny-but-no-relief thing sounded kind of vicious. I'll quit if I have to, of course. But I don't want to."

"I'm horny around you anyway, Hotsmurf. And I loved kissing you. It was the high-point of my life this far."

"Let's see if we can top that, then."

They did. Kissing while sitting, kissing lying down.

There are some things you cannot do to a woman if you're paralyzed from the waist down. With the enthusiastic coaching from Lisa, Nils discovered that there were quite a few things that he could do. He had his mouth and tongue. He had his hands and fingers. His elbows.

He was in a horny fog, filled with a rapture which did not go away with his coming, since he didn't. He floated in the fog until Lisa could take no more.

"That was the best sex of my life. In fact, it was the only sex of my life worth calling sex. Nils, you are so perfect for me. I'm so lucky to have you. I do have you, don't I?"

"You do. Forever."

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I wish the story ended there, in a forever. But if you have read "Mate" and have a fantastic memory for details, you already know that "forever" can be very short. I wish there had been a happy end, those are the kind of ends I like. But this is, as I told you, the story of my younger brother, and his story did not end happily.

Lisa and Nils did have some more time, a summer of happiness. They took up jogging together, Lisa found a riding-place where they had special saddles that worked for Nils, and they both went riding in the forest. Lisa's ass hurt a lot the day after, Nils', of course, didn't.

One day Nils was feeling too tired to go along when Lisa went for a jog. Kålrot, a friend of their's, was coming over with pizza and beer. He and Nils would be nerdboys and listen to weird music together. Nils had found a perfect, crazy record by some sixties weirdos called "The Incredible String Band".

Lisa had a good run. The sun was shining, but it was not too hot. Lisa was feeling happy, safe, loved. The birds were singing, the future was inviting.

When she got home there was an ambulance outside their door and just when she arrived Nils was carried out on a stretcher. They were in a hurry and Lisa was too stunned to do anything but stare as they jumped into the car and disappeared in a stinky cloud of fumes.

Lisa went in and found Kålrot crying on the kitchen floor. Nils had suddenly collapsed, no warning. Kålrot had called for help and then tried CPR, but he had a very hazy idea of how that was done. Now he was afraid that Nils might die because he had not bothered to learn about doing such things properly.

Lisa punched the numbers to Nils' parents, but when his mom answered she had no words, just despairing noises. Kålrot had to explain, and then he drove her to the hospital, runners kit and sweat and all. Nils' mom and dad were already there, Magda turned up soon after. They got a small room to themselves, waiting in the black void of not knowing what was happening. Lisa and Magda were hugging each other like mutual teddy bears, at least not alone in their fear, when a doctor finally appeared and changed their black void of not knowing to an even worse blackness of knowing the worst.

Nils was dead, they did not yet know why.

Nils was dead.

Was dead.

Dead.

Lisa fell into a pit of absolute despair, worse than anything she'd ever felt – except it wasn't, because now she suddenly remembered Mr. Blom and what he did to her and she screamed. Magda held her and she screamed.

"I need help," Lisa said.

------------

She got help, there is help to be had. And she survived.

Nils died from a bad infection of his kidneys, by the way. Hurts like hell, that kind of infection, and antibiotics help. But if you can't hurt down there it's dangerous. There was nothing Kålrot could have done to save him.

The sorrow never goes away completely. Lisa knows that. Nils' family knows that, the first toast is always for him.

And I know that, to me it was more than thirty years ago.

Well, life goes on and sorrow and death are parts of all lives.

And so is eventual happiness.