A Tale of Two New Years

“Please.”

“How would you like it?”

“Light and sweet.”

Jane prepared the mug, which Alex gratefully accepted.

“Thanks,” said Alex as he slowly walked to the table. Alex pulled out a chair and eased into it. Alex took his first sip and decided that Jane made damned good coffee. Physically, it did nothing immediate, but mentally it was comforting. As a further act of kindness, Jane placed two aspirin and a glass of water before him. Alex gratefully took the medicine and drank the water in nonstop fashion.

Jane and Tommy let Alex slip into the day by reading the paper in silence. Once Alex finished his second mug, he was feeling significantly better, although he knew the hangover would linger throughout the day.

“Um, can I ask you something?” said Alex, feeling a bit self-conscious from his performance the previous evening. He didn’t really wait for a reply, but continued on, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed either of you last night, but once I got started, I couldn’t stop and I want to thank you for being such good friends. However, I would ask that you not tell anyone about it.”

“You’re welcome and you don’t need to ask,” assured Tommy and then added with a smile, “How big an asshole do you think I am?”

“The biggest,” Alex retorted, although the smile he returned renewed his headache. “I should have known there was no need to ask, but I’m still sorting out some shit and with my synapses unable get past first gear this morning, there’s only so much I can contemplate. The hole in my heart’s still there, but it feels a lot smaller now.”

“Glad we could help,” added Jane, “but there is one thing we didn’t get to ask you last night. We’re having a major blowout on New Year’s Eve to break in the house. I can’t stand these boring colors, and we’re repainting and getting new carpet right after the holidays. We won’t have to worry if anything gets spilled, so it seemed like the perfect time. Anyway, we want you to come. You should know most of the people we’ve invited.”

“I’m not sure if you’d want me. I’m not much for celebrating that holiday anymore. I wouldn’t want to be a wet blanket.”

“Come anyway,” said Tommy. “If you don’t enjoy yourself, you can always leave, but I believe everyone will be glad to see you.”

“I suppose, I certainly don’t have anything planned, but there’s one question. Did you invite Kim?”

“Yes I did,” answered Jane flatly, “but don’t let that stop you. In the first place, she probably won’t come since she didn’t want to be a wet blanket either. Second, there will be plenty of people here and it’s a big house, so you wouldn’t really have to see her if you don’t want to. Thirdly, last night, you agreed that you need to talk to her.”

Alex relented, “Okay, I’ll be there. What time?”

“Any time after nine is what I told everyone else.”

“I’ll see you then, but now I should get going. I’m sure you’ve got plenty to do and I desperately need a shower and clean clothes,” Alex declared as he rose from the table and headed towards the front door. The couple followed him and fetched Alex’s coat from the closet.

“Thanks again for everything,” said Alex as he opened the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The door closed behind Alex. He exhaled deeply and, as he filled his lungs with the crisp morning air, he wondered what he had just gotten himself into, but pushed the thought aside.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Jane said, “Half-way there, now to make sure Kim shows up.”

“You’re not seriously trying to get them back together, are you?” Tommy asked.

“Hell no! What they decide to do is their business. But he’s your best friend and she’s my best friend. They need to talk to each other and stop acting so damned childish. I’ll make sure of that. One way or another, this should be a party to remember.”

“I don’t doubt it,” agreed Tommy, but not with the same enthusiasm Jane exhibited.

As Alex headed back to the hotel, he called his parents on his cell phone and let them know that he had spent the night at Tommy’s because he’d had too much too drink. Yes, he would be there for dinner, but wouldn’t arrive until late in the afternoon. He definitely needed more sleep.

A long, hot shower was therapeutic. His headache was gone and he continued to rehydrate himself with some bottled water he had purchased on the way back from Tommy’s. He climbed into the king-sized bed and slept from noon until four. He woke up famished, but more importantly his depression was absent. Talking to Tommy had been the best advice his father had ever given. At five, he drove to his parents. Nancy and her family had returned at some time the previous night, so once again, dinner was a lively event. Alex’s improved disposition did not go unnoticed by his parents.

As they relaxed over coffee and desert, Alex asked if there were any specific plans for New Year’s Eve. To Alex’s relief, there weren’t and his parents were actually pleased that he was going to the party. Marge didn’t know what had happened to Alex the previous evening; the lifting of his gloomy disposition was all that mattered.

However, his father was more curious, so once again he kept Alex alone with him at the dinner table. “I’m glad to see your mood has improved since yesterday. Did you exorcise some demons last night?”

“I certainly did. Not that I am totally cured, but I’m headed that way. The odd thing is that it was Jane who pulled the keystone.”

“That’s not necessarily surprising. Sometimes, women can see things to which men are blind. I can attest to that. But tell me, isn’t there a chance that you’ll see Kim at the party?”

“From what Jane said, probably not, but if I do, so be it. Actually, it might be better if she is there. It might give me the chance to resolve it for good,” Alex replied, inwardly surprised at this realization.

*****

Alex woke up on the thirty-first feeling significantly better than the previous morning. As much as he had enjoyed being with his family, he felt compelled to spend some time alone contemplating his recent epiphany and welcomed the quiet solitude of his hotel room. But first he needed some coffee. He got a copy of USA Today and two cups to go from the hotel’s ‘complimentary continental breakfast,’ which, if there were real truth in advertising, should have been promoted as ‘last week’s pastries – free!’ At least the coffee was fresh.

Upon returning to his room, he drank his coffee and smoked a couple of cigarettes as he skimmed the sports page; there were certainly enough bowl games for even the most rabid football fans, but they held little interest. The combination of caffeine and nicotine intensified his nervous energy as he blankly stared at the paper and tried to think of exactly what he wanted to say if he saw Kim that evening. Jane had certainly drawn out the anger he’d felt, but he didn’t want to let his rage rule his words. Tommy and Jane certainly didn’t need a loud, messy argument to spoil the party so Alex wanted to quietly convey the pain and anger Kim had caused him. Therein lay the problem – how to apply some ration of logic to the arena of human emotion where, once released, all of the beasts were wildly irrational. The more Alex thought, the more elusive the words became. He lit another cigarette and began pacing about the room, as if he could somehow capture them. Disgusted with his failure, he aggressively snuffed out his smoke and flopped down on the bed. ‘Rationality is futile,’ thought Alex as he looked at his watch, ‘Almost noon. I guess you’ll have to improvise. Besides, odds are you won’t see her.’

Alex’s stomach growled, reminding him that man does not live on coffee alone, and decided to go see what his mother was offering for lunch. Actually, she wasn’t offering anything because she had gone shopping with Nancy and the boys, so Alex joined Doug and his father for a sandwich at the television and passed the afternoon watching football. Normally, Alex would have found it a pleasant diversion, but with his mind elsewhere, the games seemed interminably long and he frequently found himself putting on his coat and going out for a smoke.

Generally, the conversation revolved around the game, but at one time, when Doug had left the room, Max turned to Alex and asked, “Pretty nervous, huh?”

“Never could fool you,” Alex replied.

“A blind man could see it. You’ve barely sat still since you arrived. I certainly understand the reason, but don’t get yourself wrapped around the axle over it.”

“I’m trying not to, but I spent the whole morning thinking about what I would say to Kim if I see her and nothing came to mind.”

“Nothing will either, because you can’t predict how she’ll respond. Trust yourself and whatever you do, don’t back down. Personally, I thought that you allowed her to take advantage of you too frequently.”

His father’s insight surprised Alex. “That was pretty much the consensus at Tommy’s the other night too, so, if nothing else, I won’t repeat that mistake.”

“Wow, what a hit!” Max exclaimed as Doug came back into the room. “That guy’ll have some sore ribs in the morning.”

Alex smiled inwardly, loving his father a little more. The short pep talk had settled Alex’s nerves and lifted his confidence, all the while keeping the matter secret. Yep, his dad was a pretty remarkable guy.

*****

Finally, eight o’clock arrived. Alex thanked his mother for another delicious meal and wished everyone a Happy New Year before returning to the hotel to get ready the party. Another long, hot shower loosened his tense muscles and it felt good to lose the two-day old stubble from his face. In selecting his clothes, Alex finally opted for comfort – jeans, a navy blue shirt and an ivory, v-neck pullover. By the time he had finished, it was almost nine. He stopped in the center of town for cigarettes on his way to Tommy’s and by the time he arrived it appeared that four or five cars were parked in the dive or on the street. Alex drove past, made a u-turn and parked on the street opposite the drive.

Alex crossed the street and walked to the front door. A note taped to the door read, “Don’t ring the bell. The door’s open.” Even through the closed door, Alex heard the mixture of conversation and music. As he opened the door, there was Tommy, his arms full of winter coats.

“Hi Tommy!”

“Hi Alex! Don’t you do clean up well. Excuse me for saying so, but you looked like shit when you left yesterday.”

“Trust me, I felt like shit too. Fortunately, it wasn’t fatal.”

“There’s no way I can fit all of these in the closet,” Tommy said in explanation of the load he carried. “I’m putting the coats in a bedroom upstairs, so give me yours and go get a drink. There’s wine and champagne in the fridge, beer in a cooler and I set up a bar on the kitchen counter. I’ll be back down in a minute.”

Alex added his coat to Tommy’s burden, then wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a beer. From what he had seen, there were at least twenty people at the party, so he struck out to see who was there. By ten, Alex was finishing his second beer and he was glad he had accepted Jane’s invitation. He’d left some good friends behind and it was damned good to see them again and observe how some had changed. Unfortunately, at the moment, he was trapped in a meaningless conversation with one of Tommy’s neighbors – some blowhard who was giving advice on computers. As he leaned against the counter, pretending to be interested and nodding in agreement, Alex saw the front door open once again, but couldn’t tell who had entered.

“Kim!” he heard Jane shout out. “You decided to come after all!”

Grateful for the empty bottle in his hand, Alex muttered an excuse about needing a refill and left Mr. Know-it-all in his wake. The sudden tightness in his chest and thumping of his heart made something stronger than beer seem appropriate. Alex poured a healthy scotch on the rocks into a plastic cup and headed to the solarium for a smoke.

After a long drag, he took a large swallow, looking to push aside the escalating anxiety. Although the scotch burned slightly as it reached his stomach it also sent a shiver through his body. Gazing at the moonlit snow and black silhouettes of the trees that dotted the back yard, Alex sucked greedily at his cigarette, but drank the scotch less ambitiously. Even after finishing his smoke, Alex continued to stare into the night, lost in the sea of apprehension that surrounded his being.

Alex did not notice that the sliding door opened and closed, but then froze as Kim’s unmistakable husky voice asked, “Hey stranger, gotta light?”

He heard her walk up next to him and turned to face her. “Hi Kim,” he said with a forced smile.

Although no one would ever accuse her of being petite, and some would say full-figured, her shape was still well defined. In the soft light emanating from the kitchen, he could see that she had not changed much. Her light brown hair was still frosted with blonde highlights in the same shoulder-length cut that framed her face. She held a cigarette to her lips while Alex fumbled in his pocket for his lighter. As he lit her cigarette, the glow of the flame revealed that Kim’s nail biting habit had worsened to the point that theThe Texas Chainsaw Manicure came to mind, but there was something new, a sadness in her eyes that he had never seen before, even that night three years ago. Looking downward, he observed that her large breasts were still magnificent, looking for emancipation from the red satin blouse that topped the black trousers. ‘Think with the head on your shoulders,’ Alex reprimanded himself.

Direct eye contact unbearable, they both turned, as if on cue, to face away from the kitchen and viewed each other via the reflections in the glass. Although he knew the answer, Alex asked, “So how’ve you been?”

As she exhaled, Kim quietly said, “As I’m sure you’ve heard, pretty shitty. A lousy marriage and an ugly divorce. What else is there to say? I fucked up and I’m sorry.”

“What, about your marriage?”

“No, about us.”

“A little late for that, wouldn’t you say?” In the reflection, Alex could see the tears quickly well up in her eyes and profusely run down her cheeks. Under other circumstances Alex might have felt pity, but his long imprisoned anger seized control. Draining his drink, he continued venomously, “You crapped on our relationship, then rubbed my nose in it and behaved like a world-class brat. I was so heart broken that I couldn’t bear to chance seeing you again. I left behind my family and my friends. All because of you. On the other hand, I should thank you as well. I’ve had plenty of time to dedicate to my career and I make a pretty good buck these days. The only problem being I have no one to share it with. Yeah, I’d say it’s a little late for sorry.”

“I tried to call you!”

“What, for two days? I hope you didn’t strain yourself. And then what was it? Back to Mario?”

“No, he no longer wanted me once you and I had broken up. It seems the bastard was only interested in forbidden fruit, not really me. Oh god, I was such a fool!”

Kim broke down into constant sobbing, lunged at Alex and threw he arms around him, knocking the drink from his hand. The bouncing of the cup and the ice it contained briefly echoed in the room. Alex’s heart pounded from the sudden release of the bitterness that had possessed him for so long, blocking any kinder emotions from entering, and he remained rigid within her embrace.

“Please, p-p-please forgive me!” she blubbered into his chest.

“Kim, let go of me!” he replied sternly, while pulling her arms down.

She released him and began wiping away the tears with her hands. When Alex looked down at Kim, her pathetic state began to breach the barricades around his heart, but he refused to be drawn into the emotional vortex that surrounded her and knew that he must leave immediately. Otherwise, he would be reduced to tears as well.

“It’s like you said, you fucked up. It’s over. Good-bye,” Alex said in a quivering voice as he turned and abandoned the weeping woman.

Alex entered the kitchen and strode through the small crowd that had gathered to witness the spectacle, but then averted their eyes as he passed. He bolted up the stairs, found his coat and made his way out of the house. Upon closing the front door, perhaps a bit to forcefully, his pace may have slowed, but his pulse did not, as he walked to his car.

As Alex unlocked his car, Tommy came out of the house without his coat. Running down the drive, he shouted, “Alex! Alex wait!”

But Alex proceeded to climb into the car and started it while Tommy stopped in front of it. Alex rolled down his window.

Obviously freezing, Tommy rubbed his hands together and hopped from one foot to the other. “What happened?”

“I talked to Kim.”

“I know that!”

“You know what I was going to say, and I did. Kim wanted forgiveness, but I wouldn’t grant it. I may have been unnecessarily harsh, even cruel, and I am not proud of what I did. Right now, I know I’ve got leave. I’m sorry if I ruined your party. That was the furthest thing from my mind. I’ve had enough excitement for one night and just want to be alone, so I’m going back to my hotel. Call me in the morning or whenever you get up. I’m in room two-oh-eight. Maybe I’ll feel like talking then. Now get back in the house, you’ll freeze out here. Happy fucking New Year!”

Tommy stepped back as Alex closed the window and spun the car’s tires as he pulled away. “Yeah, Happy New Year,” Tommy muttered softly to the retreating taillights, as he questioned the wisdom of inviting Kim and Alex.

As Alex drove, he couldn’t calm down. Giving Kim a piece of his mind didn’t provide liberating effect he had anticipated; to the contrary, he felt like a shit-heel. ‘What could that mean? Did he still love her or just feel sorry for her? Why did he still find her physically attractive? Did she truly love him or would she play him again? If they had talked longer, would he have found out?’ The myriad of questions came readily, but answers could not be summoned.

Having essentially driven on autopilot, the surprise of parking his car at the hotel temporarily pushed the self-interrogation aside. As he walked his room, he bought a coke from the vending machine in the hallway, hoping that purging the alcohol would allow a solution to emerge. Upon entering his room at quarter past eleven, Alex realized that he had lost track of time and was dumbstruck that so much could happen in two hours. In the solitude, the tormenting questions returned and their overwhelming weight forced Alex to turn on the TV, if nothing else than to eliminate the silence. Images of the revelers in Times Square appeared, while Dick Clark informed him that it was only forty minutes until midnight.

“Shut the fuck up, Dick!” Alex yelled and quickly changed the channel. It seemed that every station had the same coverage, but finally a football game appeared. Although he had no interest in it, he was grateful for the noise and that there would be no continual reminders of the time. It would have hardly mattered; his mind once again contemplated his predicament. As he sat and smoked, the advice Alex had received from his father and Jane slowly provided some answers. Yes, he definitely had to say those words to Kim; the fact the she had also suffered during their separation couldn’t eliminate that essential embarkation point for whatever followed. Physical and emotional attraction had never been the problem, her attitude was. Yes, he admitted, he still loved her, damn it, but making up and taking her back at Tommy’s house would have been a mistake. By caving in to her entreaties, he would never gain her respect, without which, their relationship would have no dignity, no durability. Nothing would have been resolved and it would only be a matter of time before the cycle was repeated. Therein lay the dilemma. Alex sighed. Tomorrow, when he talked to Tommy, or better yet Jane, maybe he would discover the solution that proved so elusive.