A Tale of Two Wives Ch. 03

I was only in hospital for five days as the bullet had passed cleanly through my shoulder. Ben told me that Menard had FMJ (full metal jacket) bullets in his gun. If he had been using hollow points I would have sustained much more damage, possibly fatal, but the bullet might have stayed in my shoulder and Katie would not have been killed. Somehow I didn't feel lucky.

I was allowed out to attend the funeral. Ben and my mother helped me get there. It was in the church where Katie and I were married, the venue for the sweetest and now the bitterest experience of my life. I'm not going to describe the funeral. Somehow I got through it and I can't face going through it again. If you've experienced a deep loss in your life you'll understand; if you haven't I hope you never do. Let me just say that the black void opened up in front of me again and the only thing that stopped me from jumping into this abyss was the fact that Lily needed me.

There's an old song by Bill Withers that I kept on hearing in my mind, "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone." Katie had brought sunshine back into my life during a very dark time and my days would never be as bright without her. After the funeral and cremation were over Karl (Katie's Dad) drove me up to the lookout. The bumpy ride was painful but I couldn't have managed the walk. We scattered Katie's ashes from the hilltop and both wept. I couldn't speak but Karl, in spite of his own grief, managed some words of comfort.

"Ben told me what happened Dan. I know you're struggling with the worst sort of feelings right now... pain, anger, guilt maybe... but listen to me. It's not your fault. I don't blame for any of this and you shouldn't blame yourself. Our Katie had a strong will and was sometimes too brave. She got herself bitten by a rattlesnake once when she was twelve because she wouldn't run away from it." "I should have handled it better Karl. I should have just paid the money or paid someone to shoot the guy. I should've done something different."

"Hindsight's a real bully Dan. It'll beat us up with what we should have done... what could have happened. You did the best you could at the time and when things turned bad you didn't hesitate, you charged in unarmed to face two men with guns. You took a bullet for my daughter... you were prepared to give your life for hers. That's as good as it gets Dan. We're all proud of you."

"I miss her so much... I can't stand it. I can't go on without her."

"You have to Dan. You have to go on for Lily and for Katie and so that evil doesn't get the last word. It's not the end of the story Dan. Katie will always be with us. Do you really think she'd leave you and Lily? Somewhere beyond time we're already back together again. But you'll be seeing her first. Us old Swedish farmers are so tough we live for centuries"

Even in my state that gave me a smile.

One of the first things I did when I returned home was visit Tina. I'd seen her a couple of times before the funeral but she was under heavy sedation. This time she was awake but looking very pale with dark purple smudges under her eyes. She was still hooked up to a number of tubes. When she saw me she turned her face away.

I sat beside the bed and tried to chat with her but she didn't respond. Finally after sitting for a long while in silence I started a joke.

"A young monk joined a Trappist order where the brothers were only allowed to say two words every five years. After his first five years the monk went into the Abbot's office and said his two words. "I'm hungry." "Alright my son," the Abbot replied, "You can have an extra bowl of gruel at night." Five more years went by. The monk went into the Abbot's office and said his two words. "I'm cold." "Very well my son. You can have an extra blanket for the cot in your cell." Five more long years went by and the no longer young monk went into the office for the last time and said his two words. "I'm leaving!" "I'm not surprised," the Abbot replied. "You've done nothing but complain, complain ever since you've been here!"

A small smile flickered across Tina's face.

"Wow," I remarked. "Tough room."

"I can't laugh," Tina whispered. "It hurts too much. Everything hurts. Besides, you've told me that joke before."

"Damn, got to get some new material. Do you want me to get the nurse to increase your pain meds?"

Tina shook her head a little. The Trappist visit continued. Finally after an hour, mostly of silence, I got up to leave.

"I'll see you tomorrow Tina."

Finally she spoke. "No Dan, you don't need to come."

"Don't you want me to visit?"

"It isn't that."

"Then I'll visit."

"I don't deserve it."

"Sorry, but that's rubbish."

"Katie's dead and it's all my fault. If I hadn't cheated on you none of this would have happened."

"If Katie hadn't gone to the club it wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't gone to Nepal it wouldn't have happened. If Robert hadn't been an evil bastard. If Cleopatra's nose had been quarter of an inch longer. How far back do we go? As I remember, it wasn't you who shot Katie and I seem to recall you stepping in between me and the gunmen....taking four bullets to save my life. If you hadn't done that I'd be dead, you wouldn't be lying here and I wouldn't be coming to visit you tomorrow. OK?"

Tina gave an imperceptible nod. I kissed her on the cheek and left. I visited the next day and brought flowers. The next day I brought some of Tina's favorite fruit. Neither did much to lift her depression. The third day I brought Lily. I knew straight away that it was the right move. Tina's face lit up.

"Do you want to hold her?"

"May I?"

I placed my daughter in Tina's arms. Before Katie's death Lily had been a very happy and confident baby. She would smile and reach out to strangers who always fell for her innocent charm. Without her mother, Katie was unsettled at night and easily upset. She clung to my mother and me and would cry if neither of us was around or if someone else picked her up.

I was about to explain all this to Tina as I expected that Lily would start to cry. She didn't. Lily was quite relaxed and responded with happy sounds as Tina talked to her. All my efforts couldn't get Tina talking but Lily's incoherent burbles had Tina chatting freely.

I popped out to warm Lily's formula. When I returned Tina looked up at me with tears running down her cheeks but a real smile in on her face.

"Dan she's wonderful. I love her."

"Well she's certainly taken to you."

I helped Tina to feed Lily her bottle. Both of them were tiring. I lifted my sleepy daughter from Tina's arms. She complained a little but was soon asleep in her buggy. Tina looked at me hopefully.

"Can you bring her tomorrow Dan?"

"Sure. The nurses would beat me up if I didn't."

So we established our routine. I'd visit Tina most days bringing Lily with me. Lily always squealed with joy when she saw my ex-wife and Tina would do the same, but not so loudly.

Three weeks went by and I was able to return to work. The hospital had an excellent daycare center where Lily spent a few hours each day. Unless I was operating, I picked up Lily and we spent my lunch hours with Tina. Shortly after that Tina was moved to rehab and I was able to leave Lily with her for longer periods. The staff considered that for Tina, looking after a baby was the best therapy possible.

One afternoon, when my surgery had taken less time than I expected, I went to the rehab ward to pick up Lily and found Tina breastfeeding her. They both looked so blissful that it moved me deeply and warmed my heart. Tina noticed me watching and looked a little guilty.

"Dan... I'm sorry... I hope you don't mind. I'll stop if you do."

I only had to think for a moment, it was strange but special. After all this time there were no drugs in Tina's system and extensive tests had found no STDs.

"No, no. It's fine. More than fine. But how? I didn't think a woman who hasn't been pregnant could produce milk without hormone treatment."

"I've been told that prolonged exposure to a baby can trigger natural hormones leading to milk production. Breast and nipple stimulation also help. Your daughter's turned me into her cow." Tina laughed, which was so good to hear. "I'm not producing a lot of milk but Lily seems to love it and so do I."

So Tina's breast milk became part of Lily's diet along with formula and various messy concoctions, her favorite being banana and yoghurt. The breastfeeding was therapeutic for both participants; Lily was much happier and more settled while Tina was now recovering rapidly, both physically and emotionally. Soon she would be coming out of rehab and must be anxious about her future. I had thought a lot about this and come to a decision.

I raised it with her as we were sitting in the day lounge, a well fed and sleeping Lily in her arms.

"Tina have you given much thought to where you're going to live after you get out of this place?"

"I've been trying not to think about it. I'll just get all depressed again. I guess I could go back to my old building... see if there's something available."

"I think I have a better idea...two ideas actually.... And please hear me out before you answer OK?"

"OK."

"After I saw you that time in the club and you wouldn't take any money from the divorce... I set up a trust fund in your name. It's a substantial sum and it's been sitting there earning interest. It's enough to buy yourself a decent place and to keep you going until you can find a job."

"Dan...I can't...."

"Shh, shh... shh. You said you'd hear me out. The money's yours... I'm not going to touch it. Seven... nearly eight years of marriage... any judge would award you more. And they were good years... at least I thought so" "They were very good years Dan... the best."

"So that's the first part. You have plenty of money when you want it. Now part two of my proposal...when you get out of here you come and live with us. It's just Lily and me in that big apartment... nice spare room with an ensuite... of course you know that."

"Dan, are you sure? After all that's happened..."

"I'm sure." I switched to my famous Irish accent. "In fact I'm sure, I'm sure, to be sure. You can stay until you're fully back on your feet or longer... and Lily would love to have you there... in fact it was her idea. I get a built-in babysitter and Lily gets to live with someone she adores."

"Well seeing that it was her idea... I can't disappoint the kid now can I."

A week later Tina moved back into the apartment she and I had bought together. At first it was weird, for both of us. In some ways it felt as though we had stepped back in time and things were the way they used to be but so much had changed. We each had our own bedroom, Tina, Lily and I. Katie's picture was on the wall and a lot of dark, turbulent water had flowed under our bridges.

Tina's POV

The first time I came to, I thought I was in one of those hospital dramas. A machine beside me was making beeping noises and there were tubes going everywhere, all, I realized, attached to me. I tried to sit up to get a better look but blinding pain demonstrated that this was a very bad idea. I whimpered and a nurse was with me straight away.

"Are you in pain Tina?"

I wanted to make a smart reply but I couldn't. I just nodded and even that hurt. The nurse adjusted a dial and blessed oblivion swept over me.

I came to again. I had no idea how much time had passed or even what day it was. This time there was a doctor present. I knew she was a doctor as she wasn't wearing a nurses uniform and was checking my chart. When she saw I was conscious she spoke to me slowly and gently.

"Tina you're in the St. Vincent Hospital. You were admitted in critical condition on Monday and it's now Friday so you've been here for four days."

The doctor gave me a few moments to absorb that and reorient myself.

"You were hit by four bullets all on your right side. It was miraculous you weren't killed. One bullet punctured your right lung. That was your most severe injury. We successfully removed the bullet, repaired, drained and re-inflated the lung which is recovering slowly."

She showed me a diagram on the clipboard but I had trouble focusing; too many drugs in my system. "Another bullet struck you in the abdomen and did some damage to your liver but the section we had to remove will regrow. The third bullet hit you above the hip and the fourth in your right thigh, painful wounds but not so serious. So you can see you were lucky. There aren't many people who get shot four times and live to tell the tale."

I didn't feel lucky. If I had died saving Dan that would have been a good end but now I didn't know what I was going to do. I felt small, broken and frightened. There's a great line from an Annie Lennox song... "Dying is easy, it's living that scares me to death."

My periods of consciousness became longer and less fuzzy. A nurse mentioned that Dr. Drew had been to see me several times while I was unconscious. She told me that he'd also been a patient but had been released to attend his wife's funeral. That was the first time I found out that Katie had been killed.

When Dan visited me again, after the funeral, I couldn't speak to him or even look at him, I felt so very guilty. Katie had dated Menard to protect me, even though she didn't know me and if I hadn't cheated with Menard all of this wouldn't have happened; the lovely Katie would still be alive and I'd still be happily married to Dan.

As he was about to leave I told him not to come again. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him, I desperately did, but I didn't deserve his visits. Dan slammed that idea, making it crystal clear that he didn't blame me for Katie's death. After he left I cried for ages. He's such a good man.

The next day he brought me a big bouquet of flowers and the day after than a basket of fruit. He'd picked all the ones he thought I liked most. His kindness if anything made me feel worse. He should be shouting at me, venting his pain and anger, not bringing me gifts. But on the third day he brought in Lily.

As soon as I saw that gorgeous baby in his arms everything changed from shades of grey to colour. I looked into her clear blue eyes and something passed between us. I can't explain it, I just knew that we had a special connection. Dan placed her in my arms. She snuggled there comfortably and talked to me in baby burble. I replied in proper English. I hate it when adults make goo goo gaa gaa sounds to babies. It's demeaning to both parties.

Dan helped me to feed Lily. I was amazed at how quickly this simple action exhausted me. As he left Dan promised to visit me the next day and I asked him to bring Lily. I tried to keep the powerful longing I felt out of my request.

As always Dan was true to his word and brought Lily to see me almost every day and every time I was with her I felt myself healing, not just in my body but in my heart and soul. Eventually they moved me to the rehabilitation ward. It was hard painful work but I was regaining strength and some flexibility. The best thing was that I could look after Lily for longer periods of time while Dan was working in the hospital.

Looking after Lily was deeply satisfying, even the messy, smelly bits and the staff considered it excellent therapy; but something strange was happening to my breasts. They felt swollen and uncomfortable. I mentioned it to one of the older nurses. She said that it could be a natural reaction to spending so much time with a baby and that I should try rubbing my breasts and nipples. Rubbing them did seem to help but as I was doing it one day I noticed liquid beading then dripping from both nipples.

I licked my fingers. It tasted good, not much like cow's milk but it was definitely milk. This couldn't be happening, but it was. I was lactating. I couldn't wait to try breastfeeding Lily. I guess I should have asked Dan but I wanted to see if it would work first.

As usual Dan dropped Lily off with all her stuff. She was always so excited to see me, making all manner of happy sounds. When Dan had gone I took Lily back into my room, shut the door and lay on the bed. I lifted my top and brought her to my left breast. I've heard that some mothers struggle with breastfeeding but maybe they're first-time Moms with newborn babies. While I had no experience, Lily knew exactly what to do and latched on to my nipple, sucking enthusiastically. After a while she stopped and looked up at me as if to say "Is that all you got?" I lifted her over to my other breast and once again she started sucking contentedly.

Breastfeeding Lily was a wonderful experience for me. I have to confess it was a little bit arousing having my nipples sucked but mostly it met a deep need, perhaps for both of us. It was something I never thought I'd do and it was much more fulfilling than I ever imagined. It became part of every visit. I wasn't producing a lot of milk but Lily was eating mostly solids now (if you can call baby mush solid) and so my milk was just a little extra treat, for us both.

I was frightened by how much loved Lily. The thought of being separated from her was becoming unbearable but I had no idea what was going to happen after I left the hospital. I had no real plans or prospects. My body and my mind still felt very fragile. I could only pray that whatever happened I would still be able to see Lily and Dan.

Dan came in one day when I was breastfeeding. He looked astonished but then a huge smile lit up his face. The great surgeon had no idea that women were capable of lactation without pregnancy or hormone treatment.

A few days later he asked me about my plans. I admitted that I was trying to avoid thinking about my future. He told me about the money he had put aside for me. I tried to refuse it again but he insisted that it was mine and that he would never touch it. Then he invited me to stay in his apartment. My heart leapt. I couldn't believe how generous he was being after all that had happened. I tried not to show how desperately eager I was to accept his offer. He was offering me the chance to return to my old home, to live with the man I loved and to be with Lily every day.

Not surprisingly I accepted.

After the cheap, pokey place I had been inhabiting, Dan's apartment felt palatial. OK, it was a bit weird going back there after so long and sleeping in a different room from Dan but I felt happier than I had since I left. I was more than content to stay at home shopping, cooking, doing physio each day and of course looking after Lily.

Gradually Dan and I started doing more and more together. At first it was walks in the park with Lily and visits to places like the zoo, but eventually there were movies, plays and dinners.

Lily's first birthday party was a highlight. Dan's Mom, Katie's parents, Ben and his family and a few friends from the hospital were invited. I felt awkward about being there but Dan insisted.

"Of course you should be there. Lily would be very disappointed if you weren't and so would I."

Everyone was so warm and accepting that I soon relaxed and we all had a great celebration. Lily of course had no idea what it was all about but loved the presents, particularly the wrapping paper, the cake and blowing out the single candle. Once she got the idea, we had to light it again and again so she could keep blowing it out and squealing with joy. I hate to think how much spit was on that cake by the end.

Lily was rapidly building a vocabulary of recognizable words. I was Ina and Dan was Deedee. Lily must have heard me using his old nickname. It was so funny the way Dan stood in front of her enunciating clearly "Daddy Daddy". Lily would always correct him "Deedee" and burst into giggles. His daughter found Dan consistently hilarious.