All Comments on 'A Wonderful Family'

Wickedly nasty story! I like your terse, crisp style. Look forward to seeing more of your writing. Wish I could be there to help you with your homework!

That is a fucked up story and it probably could be true but it wasn't bad

The timid virgin likes it rough and dives right in? Pick a theme. If she's a shy, inexperienced virgin she would take far more coaxing, probably wouldn't have her nips pierced, might not be sick of it "always being gentle", etc. It seemed like you couldn't decide what story you wanted to write and sort of mushed a couple of different ones together.

Break your dialogue down into actual dialogue instead of nesting everything into paragraph format. It's easier to follow and connect to. You're mixing your narration and dialogue in the same clump and I find myself trying to figure out what the heck is going on instead of enjoying the story.