Acceptance of Denial Pt. 03

It's a strange thing when time moves and the state of the world responds around you with action and reaction, cause and effect. And no matter what you do, there is no control over events around you, all you can do is become another fragment of effect as the causes propel you into action. It's moments like these, when you're caught up in the shards of life that you realise that everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

The screams weren't really sudden, they didn't seem to hit me like a sudden shock or surprise, they just echoed out into my ears from outside the cab. And even as Hans turned his head away from me to look outside his window, his eyes widening in surprise like a fish caught on a line, I thought he looked comical. There was no seriousness until he wound down his window and gasped, the screams becoming sharper and clearer without the barrier of glass. I seemed to wake up then, lurching in my seat as the cab pulled to a stop, trapped between a mass of congested traffic. Hans threw open his door, lurching out of the car for a better view and I followed suit, looking out to the chaotic street around us.

"Oh god no," he gasped, strands of his hair coming lose as a strange wind blew through the streets. "What is it? What is it Hans?" I called over the noise of people screaming as they ran frantically through the streets. "Enemy planes are coming, they're coming now!" he yelled, his calm features contorted with a look of fear that made my stomach twist. "Are you sure?" I called back at him, even as a woman staggered across the front of our car screaming, "where's the nearest shelter?!"

I slumped against the car, looking up at the sky just as air raid sirens began to whirl and shriek somewhere in the city. "Hans what do we do?" I yelled over the multitude of sounds crashing in on my ears as Hans whirled around and swallowed, gathering what remained of his calmness.

"We've got to go to one of the shelters! I know of one a block away where fellow officers would be manning it!? But we've got to hurry, we need go now before there's no time," he yelled, as he ran around the cab and grasped my arm. "Let's move ok?! Come on," he barked, before pulling me through the street and along the sidewalk, through the hordes of fleeing people, desperate to find some kind of safety.

I was out of breath by the time we made it through the streets to the shelter which was underneath a small concrete building beside a bank. It only took us a few minutes to get to the shelter, but already we could hear the buzzing of planes in the distance. Hans and I sprinted along the building and hurried down a stairway where two shelter wardens guarded the open entryway.

"This place is for officers and registered citizens only, officer Merz," the oldest of the two men stated as we walked down the stairway to the shelter's doors. "I know. And you know the procedures too, Klaus," Hans frowned at the officer, who withered under Hans' sudden impatience.

"Kristen here is visiting Cologne with a division of the SS administration. We'll sort this out afterwards with the leading SS officer, Obersturmbannführer Adler if need be." He had craftily dropped her name to avoid any further trouble-they clearly knew of her and suddenly became much more accommodating.

"Oh, certainly, that is no problem Sir. And my apologies too, Officer Merz, hurry this way please," the officer was clearly allowing the subject to drop as he waved us into the shelter while his companion saluted at Hans, who returned the gesture. Inside the shelter there were already at least fifty people taking refuge around the large open room. Most of them were officers or businessmen, some of whom had managed to bring members of their family. Several children sat with their mothers at benches around the room and shelter wardens served water to some of the people.

The walls were cold concrete and metal beams but already the room was warming up with the heat of all the occupants. It looked like the place could still fit another thirty people at least and still be comfortable, but then I realized that most people might not have made it in time to this shelter.

Hans strode into the shelter, his coat flying out behind him as he strode over to a door which led into an office. I followed meekly behind him and found myself standing in a doorway to an office where a dozen officers stood huddled around a desk, some of them speaking over each other in panic. Over the sound of so many buzzing voices I heard a snippet of conversation.

"Goddamn it, my family's still out there at home! What am I supposed to do? I need to go and get them..." "No, use your head! The alarms went off too late, it won't be long until the bombs fall-" "So what the hell am I doing here, dammit?" "You're here so you can survive, to pick up the pieces after all of this."

"Ah, Merz! There you are, I didn't know if you'd be here." A lanky, balding man wearing military uniform approached Hans, his face covered in fearful sweat looked somewhat relieved to see Hans. "I truthfully didn't know if we'd make it Sir," Hans shook his head sorrowfully. "We? Oh, your companion here came along with you? It is fortunate that you have arrived," he looked at me with sympathetic eyes and patted my shoulder lightly. "Oh, I'm Wilhelm Offer by the way. Mustn't forget to be polite," he smiled my way.

"Who are you, may I ask?" he inclined his head with curiosity and I stepped forward. "Kristin Feldt, I'm here in Cologne as an assistant to the SS administration from Stuttgart." "Oh very well... Oh! You're not a member of Adler's administration by any chance, are you?" "Well, yes Sir, I am." Well, technically I wasn't but it wasn't as if he needed to know the details.

"Oh charmed, charmed indeed! Obersturmbannführer Adler is an excellent example of efficiency and hard work," he beamed unashamedly, before remembering the situation as a dark look returned to his face. "I saw her only an hour ago at a meeting tonight. I haven't seen her here, she'll be here at any moment," he mused, looking around at the many faces in the room to seek her out.

Just as the words had left his mouth, the warden attendants from the entryway burst into the room, "The entryway has been sealed. We can't risk waiting any longer." "No other officers?" one of the men in the office asked. "No, only registered civilians. We'll have to hold out hope." I swallowed and looked down at my feet for a moment, suddenly feeling unsteady on my feet.

"Dammit, Michael," he bellowed to another younger officer in the room after he caught my expression, "Get the lady a drink will you, she needs something to calm her nerves." Lady? I hadn't been called that in a long time. Oh, how times could change.

"No, she's had enough," Hans sounded protective and forceful, while Wilhelm looked mildly affronted at Han's interjection. "We were out earlier tonight. I was simply providing a tour and company at Obersturmbannführer Adler's request, Sir," he added lightly as Wilhelm looked disparagingly at him. "Oh, that's understandable then," Wilhelm became less serious as he laughed and took the glass of amber liquid which had been poured for me, only to down it himself. I sensed he was trying to ease his fear with alcohol. I, on the other hand, was glad I wouldn't be drinking any more for the night.

The lights sputtered and flickered abruptly and everyone stopped mid sentence as the ground shuddered and shook above us, dulled booms radiating through the shelter from the world outside. Everyone just held their breath as the lights faded back and the earth stilled. It was the first real sign that it was really happening, that there really were enemy bombers flying over us, bombs falling down against the city. It was the first wakeup call which forced us to accept that this was real-that it wasn't somehow a false alarm or just some mistake.

As the ground shuddered again, someone swore under their breath and several of the officers steadied themselves on the walls as if they were bracing themselves for the ceiling to fall in. I can't really recall what it was that I was thinking at the time-I basically didn't want to think about the fact that people might or would, die. But most of all I didn't want to think about Adler. She wasn't there so thinking about her wouldn't do any good, not for myself or for her.

And so I waited, trying to stop the thoughts colliding amongst each other as I departed through the office and stumbled into the main room of the shelter. I found a space along a bench where there was a distance between myself and everyone else, thankful for the lack of conversation in the room. Everyone was silent, in comparison to the increasing volume of the sounds outside, which were becoming louder and piercing every second. It was the sound of the planes, it must have been at least, because the louder the strange buzzing became, the more the crashes were felt.

The loud collisions were the impact of the bombs, and the collapsing buildings overhead. It was a steady increase in the amount of impacts until the bombs overlapped each other and there was complete hammering chaos outside.

It must have been about ten minutes or so until the bombing really began to rip through people's mindset. Some of the women began to sob and the children in the shelter were quite upset themselves, the adults among them trying the keep them calm. I simply sat frozen where I was, receding into my thoughts, even as the lights flickered and dimmed, on and off, light to darkness.

Though it was just my defence mechanism kicking in, I found safety in the numbness which cloaked me as the city above me crumbled. I thought of my childhood and tried to imagine what my parents had been like and visualized scenes where we could have been a family: out at a park in the sunshine, mealtimes of laughter and conversation and perhaps even a brother or sister would be there too.

Even as I withdrew from everything around me in the present time, I couldn't forget a figment of my recent life. Erika Adler interrupted the flood of thoughts rushing through my foggy conscience, even though I tried not to dwell on her because of the current situation I'd been trapped in. I didn't dare think about what kind of position she was in, was she at another shelter or? No, it wouldn't be okay to think about her, I thought, pushing her out of my mind. I couldn't handle another second of incapacity to find her, or any more thoughts of her. It was all too much.

Cracks were forming in my mental subspace, even as flakes of concrete drifted from the fractures in ceiling like fine snow. As I watched the fractures trailing quickly along the quaking ceiling with the explosive rumbles above us all, the lights cut out for good and everyone gasped and began to panic.

Swiftly, one light beam and then another flashed out from different sides of the room, the wardens had pulled out their torches. I don't know what would have happened if the shelter had stayed dark. We might have lost our minds in the ensuing panic because, somehow, seeing our surroundings offered a sense of awareness and consolation.

After an hour and a half, we began to realize the crashes from outside were slowing in pace and eventually the buzzing and roaring outside became less harsh, but remained persistently eerie. It seemed that the planes had departed, and after fifteen minutes of ensuring the sound of planes returning wasn't overly noticeable, the shelter wardens and the people within the shelter began to consider leaving the shelter. At the sounds of the conversation, I stirred from my thoughts and stood shakily from the bench and began to walk over to the office where Hans and the other officers remained.

On opening the door, everyone in the office turned to face me. The bottle of liquor was empty on the desk, beside a radio which one of the officers was attempting to tune up. Several green faced officers and a warden sat in chairs around the room, one of which had his shaking hands welded over his eyes in terror. It was a troubling sight to see everyone looking so rigid and strained. Several torches illuminated the room from other shelter wardens who looked grim themselves. Hans approached me and patted my shoulder carefully.

"We've been trying to get in contact with the other shelters around here Kristin. We had a signal and made contact for ten minutes after the bombing really started to pick up, but then we lost it. It just cut out so quickly," he looked exhausted already, his shadowed face as dark as ever.

"The wardens are saying we can head out soon," I replied, not sure what he would make of their suggestion. "Yes, we've been thinking about beginning to leave soon as well. I hope the building above us hasn't collapsed, we can clear it though if we need to," Hans remained resolute in mindset at least, I noted, thankful for his inner strength. I on the other hand had realized I was internally paralysed with horror as my mouth went dry at the thought of discovering what was outside.

One of the wardens entered the office, gaining our attention as he began to speak. "It's time to start moving out," he said, straightening himself in the presence of officers. "What if they come back?" someone asked. "This was a heavy bombing, they've most likely taken leave and won't return for some time," the warden replied, and his words seemed to make sense.

"How would you know what heavy is?" Someone questioned doubtfully. "Because I've been near factories further north which were bombed, and even those bombings weren't so concentrated. No one can say for sure that they won't return, but we need to get out of here while the skies are clearer," explained the warden, sounding almost offended by the faltering confidence floating around the room.

"Alright, alright, it's settled then," Wilhelm's voice boomed out from where he sat at the desk, his confidence and cold fury a mighty display. He stood up from his seat, knocking his seat aside in his fervour to stand steadfastly among his comrades. "Let's get out of here and start patching this city up and helping anyone we can, now is not the time for if or when thoughts. Now is the time to move!"

"I second that," came someone's voice from across the office, then there was a rousing bout of supportive comments as everyone made their way out of the office, bracing themselves for the return to higher ground. As everyone cleared the room, I tapped Hans on the shoulder and he turned to face me in the dimness of the receding torch lights.

"What do we do next, Hans?" I asked, not sure what his intentions were, although I definitely had only one goal. "Well... We need to find Adler. It's crucial that she and the other SS delegates are able to get somewhere more secure to continue their progress," he was straight to the point, and I wasn't sure what meaning he placed on my sigh of relief.

"Okay. I'm just hoping she's... Well, you know, not far from here," that wasn't entirely what I wanted to say, but I was determined to not let negativity take over. A part of me knew that she would have had plenty of help making it to another shelter not too far from the hotel. I was at least relieved that finding Erika was the first thing Hans would aim to do, as for me it was the first thought burning in my mind since the beginning of this nightmarish event.

"Don't you have family you're worried about?" I asked, wondering what else he had on his mind. "They're not in Cologne, they're in a small town not too far from Munich. They're safe there," he added, and I wondered if he really believed they were out of harm's way. I suppose it was his optimism and concern for them that mattered.

He turned and walked out of the office and I followed behind him, leaving the office empty behind us. Everyone had formed a group around numerous wardens who pulled and pried at the exit doors to get them open. Another warden moved to stand at the front of the group and began to speak over everyone's conversations.

"Alright, everyone listen carefully! It's absolutely crucial that you are aware of the dangers and precautions to take outside now. Everyone make sure that you have some cloth or even clothing to cover your mouth and nose-it's most likely very smoky and dusty out there." Everyone focused intently as the warden continued.

"Also, it's very important, a matter of life and death actually, that you avoid overheating. It is very hot outside, so please ensure that you don't wear clothing that will contribute to making your temperature rise to dangerous levels. Remember, don't get too hot and make sure you can minimise the amount of smoke you breathe. Also, please be careful of any bombs which may still detonate and be aware of incendiary bombs which cause huge amounts of flame and fire to be emitted, they are often used when the enemies bomb areas with many buildings so be aware of that."

"Alright, the door's clear," shouted one of the wardens, as a few others joined in to prise apart the door until a gap large enough for two people to pass through at a time was revealed. One of the wardens looked outside and several others crammed up behind him to get a better look at what was beyond the shelter. All I could see was a few heavy concrete chunks at the base of the door and suspected that the building around the shelter had taken some damage. "Holy..." One of the wardens gasped and looked back from the door, his eyes wide with shock.

"What is it?" called one of the civilian women, who was keeling down beside a child who I imagined was her young daughter. "It's hard to... Say," mumbled the warden, who had begun to walk out of the shelter, clambering over the heavy shards of concrete in way of the exit. Everyone began to follow the wardens as they moved through the door and I felt a heaviness settle in my stomach as the almost overpowering stench of smoke blew in through the entryway. Hans stepped outside cautiously and I heard his sigh as I followed behind him, the concrete sharp and lumpy under my shoes as I tried to steady myself.

I don't think I ever could have braced myself for the sight I saw as I emerged in that moment, looking up at the sight around me. The city that we still called Cologne was nothing as it had been less than two hours ago. The sky was ablaze, a rich furious yellow white flame rising above the city for as far as we could see. It seemed like the sky was burning with its own fires, even as I took in the burning, shattered buildings across what had once been the street nearest to the shelter.

It was miraculous in itself that the building which had been constructed above the shelter hadn't collapsed and blocked the shelter's doors completely. Instead, its walls had crumbled and collapsed outwards, with only a few pieces of concrete lying across the base of the doors. I dreaded to think of what would have happened if we had been crushed underneath the building with the exit completely blocked.

I didn't know where to turn, all sense of direction had been eroded now that the streets were unrecognizable and there were so few landmarks remaining. Looking around at the barely standing buildings in the blocks around us, I could see people wandering amongst the streets already. Cars and other vehicles had been abandoned in the street, but most of them seemed to be in bad shape, or were unable to be driven thanks to the rough and rocky roads.

Hans turned back to me after a few seconds of staring around at the fiery cities. "They definitely used incendiary bombs," he uttered gravely, a shady look of true fear in his eyes. I didn't really know what to say, I could only feel a heaviness settle in my chest, as if handfuls of the rubble around us had been rammed down my throat mercilessly.

"I can't believe they'd do this. Why would they attack now? There are too many people here." I stammered, my face searing in all the heat radiating around us. "I think that was the point, Kristin. Maybe they wanted to cut down on our military forces here. But who knows," his face was dissonantly blank, as if the emotions had been torn out of his body. He'd flicked that switch that people have, where they just can't feel anything and they grasp a hold of their survival instinct.