Acceptance of Denial Pt. 03

"We need to move," he said, his voice coldly concise as he began to scramble up and away from the shelter, while the others filtered out behind us and took in the devastation. "Where are we going?" I asked numbly, my thoughts refocusing on Adler.

"To the hotel. We can go there first since it's closer, then after that we can check the other shelters. It's hard to pinpoint where Obersturmbannführer Adler could be, but we need to go now." "Okay," I heard myself say as Hans pulled out two clean handkerchiefs from his jacket and gave one to me, before covering his mouth with the remaining one.

We moved away from the shelter, moving as quickly as we could over the rubble from the severely smashed bank and the crumbled stone littering the streets. If I had been in a more level frame of mind I would have been far more concerned about breaking my ankle rather than hurrying to find Erika. I was glad that Hans still knew how to find his way through the city, because it would have taken me a frustratingly long time to retrace my steps through the unrecognisable surroundings.

However, after some unknown amount of time, Hans called over his shoulder that we weren't far from the hotel. I felt a flickering radiance of hope as I realized there would be a moment of revelation soon. Though there was still a dreaded feeling rising up from my chest, I was glad that I might not have to wait much longer to track down Erika, but a part of me was afraid of where Hans was leading me.

And then it was too late to keep dwelling on the possibilities, because as we turned the corner of a block which seemed somehow familiar, I realized why it seemed to be known. The hotel was only a minute's walk away, but the hotel wasn't a hotel, it was a wreck.

The front wall of the hotel seemed to have caught part of the force of the impact of a bomb, whereas the large crater in the street had suffered the worst of the explosion. As I approached it from the left side of its front, I was yet to see the condition of the right side of the building, which seemed to have suffered greatly as well. I could see a haze of light coming from within the building, a fire from either an incendiary bomb itself, or maybe from the building beside the hotel which still blazed fiercely.

3.

Hans said something, but I couldn't make out his words, even as I strode out past him as he stopped in the street, trying to take in the scene of what was once the hotel for himself. I didn't look back at him as I staggered over the jagged ground, moving faster than I had all night to get closer to the building that had been as grand as Cologne itself. I realized that people were moving around at the front of the hotel and within the lower part of the building itself.

I lowered the handkerchief from my face and tucked it into my pocket as I neared the people stumbling around the hotel. The smoke was present but it wasn't unbearable as I came closer to the hotel and the people around the building. They were an assortment of dusty civilians and a few officers scrambling through the wreckage looking for survivors and...

Panicking, I looked closer to see bundles of the unlucky ones being arranged neatly in rows on a level area on the edge of the street, their faces covered by fabric and clothing. I winced in dismay, I had seen enough and didn't want to see any more of them, so I turned away, trying to focus on the task at hand.

Somehow I hoped that Erika was one of the people moving the rubble aside or carrying the injured out of the wreckage, and I kept thinking that she might turn around and face me. I took a closer look at the officers and other people around me, but there was no recognition of me or any kind of resemblance to Erika. I stood there, feeling a little numb and strangely cold despite the heat in the air around me.

"Hello there," came a voice, and I looked to my right to see an officer around my age watching me dismally from where he knelt, carefully covering an unfortunate victim with a sheet. "I'm looking for someone," I said, not bothering with any hellos or formalities for once. "Ah, were they in the hotel?" he asked, straightening up and taking a step closer. "Yes. Her name's Erika... Erika Adler."

"Oh, is she an SS Obersturmbannführer? Obersturmbannführer Adler?" he asked, his eyes sharpening in recognition as he heard me her name. "Yes. Yes that's her. Can you tell me where she is?" I almost choked on the words, knowing that he knew who I spoke of. He took a moment to wipe the sweat and grime off his forehead with the back of his hand and looked back at me. "I can, yes," he replied, swallowing tensely. Oh shit. He didn't look so confident now, what the hell was happening?

He led me around the rubble to another area where it was somewhat flat and I followed him, not saying a word. I found myself listening to the sounds of scraping debris, crackling fire and footsteps scuffing on concrete. We approached a small area where clothing and scraps had been placed to form rough bedding in addition to several mattresses which had been scavenged from the hotel and other places.

I caught glimpses of injured men and women, some who muttered whispers and others who cried silently. A few just stared out into space like there was something else there that they could see. It was like a makeshift hospital or some kind of medical clinic, but with a lack of trained people in sight and no standard medical equipment.

I didn't know why I had found myself in such a place, none of it seemed to make sense in the slightest. I should have been somewhere else, anywhere but amongst the dead and the injured in a time and place so wrong, yet there I was, looking for her.

"This way," directed the officer, who moved carefully through the area to another side where a small mattress had been positioned beside some rubble. He stood a few steps away, leaving room for me to move up to the mattress, petrified of what I was going to see, but unable to look away or resist the urge to go closer. In the strange half light I could see the bundled fabric shimmering in the crimson light whilst the rest of the bunch was hidden from view by dark shadows.

I made it about a step away from the mattress when I realized I was looking down at a chiselled face with pale skin. Several small scrapes along the jaw line were the only signs of broken skin and aside from the strange stillness of her features, Erika didn't look as bad as I had feared. I don't know what gave me away, but she stirred and her eyes opened to fix on me silently.

"Kristin," she sighed, smiling weakly as I stooped down beside her, my back towards the officer, who hung back silently. "Are you okay?" I asked, knowing that it was obvious she'd been injured and it was a foolish question. Already I was beginning to feel more in tune with reality. "Just fine," she whispered, nodding calmly as she swallowed.

Her arm, still covered by her black uniform's sleeve rested above the bundle of fabric wrapped around her and ignoring the officer behind us, I grasped her hand gently. Strangely though, her hand seemed cold, despite all the heat from our surroundings. I looked down at her and watched as her eyes widened with the contact, knowing that we were visible in public, then softened as I smiled down at her. Suddenly her eyes were shut in response to a sudden fit of sickening coughing that resonated deeply within her chest.

"Erika," I watched as she coiled up in discomfort and her hand tightened reflexively around my own. She caught her breath and sighed, "Yes?" "Can I take a look at your injuries?" "I'm fine," was all she could manage as she wheezed agitatedly.

I wasn't going to back off easily, she didn't seem right and I wasn't going to take her orders, not now. I felt a little guilty but I wanted to make sure there weren't other wounds that needed tending, so I reached over with my free hand and attempted to peel back the fabric covering her.

"No," she gasped, realizing what I was trying to do. She put up her defences and froze, trapping the wrapped fabric underneath her. This only made me more suspicious as she ceased moving and I tried not to imagine what I couldn't see. "Erika, please just be still, I'm trying to help you," I coaxed, trying to calm her down so I could check the rest of her.

"There's nothing more you can do," came the soft voice of the officer behind me, but I ignored him. Adler must have seen my eyes close and my look of frustration because she relaxed a little, though her reluctance remained. Her eyes watched mine with a vulnerable expression in them as she caught her breath, her hand relaxing around mine.

"He's right, I don't want you to see. They said I'm not good. I'm not going to last for much longer," her fingers tightened around mine, her eyes closing in something like shame as I saw what she had been trying to conceal. Fear.

I looked down at the ground and felt the ground spinning under my knees as I knelt down beside Erika, whose hand squeezed mine tightly. My gaze shot up to hers to see her eyes glistening with sadness. "I'm so sorry, I didn't want you to see me like this," Erika whispered, her voice as sorrowful as I felt.

"Excuse me officer, could you give us some space," I called out to him over my shoulder. "Of course," replied the officer mutedly. I looked over my shoulder to find Hans standing a few steps away, watching me silently as he stood amongst the other shadowy mattresses of the injured. The other officer turned solemnly and left the area, his footsteps echoing into the distance.

"Obersturmbannführer," Hans spoke, his voice still as calm as it had been earlier in the night. "Officer Merz? I wondered how Kristin had found her way back to the hotel with the city in such a state," she smiled weakly up at him as he approached her. "You always fulfil your duty, follow the tasks through," she looked at him respectfully, traces of respect enlivening her features. "Thank you for everything, Hans. I won't forget your dutifulness. You'll do well in the world."

"It is an honour, Obersturmbannführer Adler," he replied respectfully, blinking rapidly as if he were taken aback. "The honour was mine. All the best Hans," she smiled, nodding up at him. "I was asked to start helping the other officers with the recovery..." Hans trailed off hesitantly for once, his eyes flicking carefully between Adler and I, resting briefly on my hand entwined with Erika's.

"Go ahead, I'd like to speak with Kristin," her eyes returned to mine as Hans hung back, watching us. "Yes Obersturmbannführer. I'll see you again..." he smiled slightly with this discreetly indefinite farewell, then straightened himself, clicked his heels and turned to stride away. Intriguingly, he looked back over his shoulder, nodding understandably at the two of us as if he recognized something unspoken.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, watching me sadly as I ran a finger down and along her cheek, a part of me knowing that soon I would never be able to caress her in the same way ever again. "I was in one of the bars at the hotel when the alarms sounded. It was all so sudden... I ran to the exits, but so did everyone else. The elevators were full, and soon, so were the stairways. Everything was blocked up and there was no way to get out..."

"Stop..." I snapped, unable to bear the thought of any of it. Her eyes widened at my outburst, then she moved herself a little closer to me, the pain and effort evident on her face, as she squeezed my hand again. "I'm still here," she murmured, her eyes scanning my features astutely as I looked down at the ground, hoping she didn't see my watering eyes.

"Don't be sorry," I said, running my thumb along the side of her finger where our hands entwined. "I regret some things," she whispered, blinking as if she was holding back tears of her own. "It doesn't matter," I choked, trying not to get all emotional when I knew she was trying to hold herself together and we were still in public.

"It does matter. I'm going to fix some things now, while I can. It will be a long time until you see me again," she interjected. "Don't speak like this," I hissed quietly, irrationally not wanting to accept what was happening, or accept the truth in her words. "Don't cut me off," she shot back, the typical sting of her steadfastness softened by my knowledge that she was finally beginning to open up with her words.

"I love you," she whispered, her eyes shining austerely in the half light. I froze, trying to register the fact that she had just told me something I was always so determined to never have let myself hope. But it was now the time when I had no other choice than to accept the simple truth as she stated it, since there was no more time for hiding behind thoughts and actions.

The simple words as she spoke them were all that there was to know about us. There was nothing else that really needed to be said, everything had been and passed. Knowing that despite our unique and strange circumstances, there was an emotional underlying reason to it all seemed to lift a weight off my soul. And as for Adler's soul, she departed this world only several minutes after saying those three words, just that once, her soul dissipating into the air around us.

4.

I remember those two years with Adler, in a world that crumbled as every moment in time passed. It was only until years after the end of the war that I returned to Germany. After Adler had passed, I had no other instinct than to avoid everyone's attention as they busied themselves with the recovery of any trapped people. I found my way back to my cousins in Siberia, after I departed the streets of Cologne, slipping past the officers who shuffled amongst the rubble around the wrecked hotel.

Somehow I had made it through the entirety of the inferno of Cologne, through each city until I reached the next, keeping a low profile as I went. When I finally made it to Siberia, it was difficult enough as a German in an unfamiliar country, but it was a true challenge trying to find my cousins. However, my determination paid off after I tracked them down through a Jewish Embassy in Siberia.

Youth had long since passed when I set foot in Germany again. I received a letter with a pamphlet for an art exhibition in Cologne, the same city I had fled all those years ago, at my home in Austria, where I had been living for twelve years. With no name listed on the envelope or on the pamphlet, I was at a loss to know who had sent it. The small note within the envelope said only: 'I think you should come along for the opening night'. The letter was unsigned and there was no trace of a name of the sender.

I found myself in an art gallery at the open night of an exhibition that happened to be showcasing portraits of 'Infamous and Dangerous' members of the German military of World War Two. And on one of the walls in the exhibit, I stumbled across a familiar face, with sharp features and intense blue eyes. Every brushstroke was how I had left it. I wondered how Erika's portrait had survived the bombings that had fallen later on in the war at the Stuttgart Detainment facility, let alone be selected for such an exhibit.

It was the end of the opening night and all of the guests and visitors were settling down and leaving. I found it difficult to focus on any of the surrounding paintings initially, not when such a large and striking representation of Erika stared down at me whenever I approached the area near the portrait.

I was nervous, unsure of who had sent me the letter, who had known about my connection to this painting, especially since I had changed my name in order to escape from Germany all those years ago. Who knew me? I had almost given up on any reasons as to why I'd even come to the gallery, when I heard decisive footsteps behind me, approaching quickly.

"Oh my god, it's you," I gasped, as I turned to face the person behind me. "It's been a while hasn't it, Kristin? I see you received my letter," Hans smiled, outstretching his arms and welcoming me for a hug. "Yes. Oh, I can't believe it was you," I laughed, still feeling astonished. "I had no idea," I trailed off, knowing that it had never slipped my mind that it was Hans who had invited me to the exhibit.

"Ah, I'm almost sorry to have made you guess," Hans sighed as if he'd read my thoughts. "I thought I'd left everyone behind. Everyone in Germany, I mean," I sighed, shrugging. "Do you feel that you left Adler behind?" Hans stared at me, the corner of his mouth lifting upwards with a shrewd grin as he looked down his nose at me. "Pardon? What do you mean?" I asked, raising my eyebrows in surprise at his unsolicited question.

"Oh, come on Kristin, I figured it out. She was good at hiding it but I knew her better. And when she gave me a certain letter in case things went badly at any point in time, well I never read it, but the look in her eyes when she gave it to me meant it wasn't just some notification or briefing for you. Of course I know that you and Erika were involved together somehow, and in a more personal way than the situation hinted. If it's any consolation, I knew only for sure at the very end."

"You knew? And you didn't do anything about it?" I asked, dumfounded, my eyes going wide and heart rate racing. "Kristin, what would have been the point? I know it was a different kind of situation for the two of you, but I had no intention to cause trouble for you after Erika passed and my quiet speculation had been proven correct. So what would have been the point of doing anything after things came to an... end. Besides, somehow you slipped by me and I never found you in Cologne.

Even when Erika was alive and she gave me that letter, I suspected a few things, but prying or causing trouble for either of you would have helped no one. Besides, I knew her personally through my family before the war, although I didn't tell you this when we first met. Why would I have wanted to cause trouble for someone I consider a friend?"

"But, I thought it would have been serious if someone found out about things," I muttered, sighing as I ran a hand through my hair." "Well you're lucky that nothing was ever looked into and no one else ever tried to get involved," Hans replied. "Yes, I was always afraid of being found out, I guess it doesn't matter now though. You mentioned there was a letter, do you still have it?" I asked, looking back up at him.

"Well yes. I did bring it here with me just in case you actually did set foot in Germany for tonight." "Can I see it?" I asked, impatient to get my hands on what she had wanted me to receive. "Yes," he nodded, regarding me curiously. "She did say to give it to you only if something were to happen that was out of hand, which did unfortunately occur. Would you like to see it?"

"Yes," I breathed, processing the fact that Hans had tracked me down all for Erika. "Well, I suppose it's good that I brought it with me then. Have a read here or wherever, perhaps away from prying eyes would be best?" He procured a slightly yellowing envelope from inside his jacket and nodded, holding it out for me. With shaking hands I took the letter, gazing down at the somewhat faded word on the face of the envelope written by Adler's hand: Kristin. "Thank you," I said, looking up at him as he inclined his head sadly and nodded.

"No problem. I would, of course, have given it to you sooner, but you made it awfully difficult to do so when you snuck out of Cologne and kept moving about over the years. Quite crafty. But I do have my networks and all I need to do is have things double checked and traced and, well, here we are now," he raised his hands nonchalantly as I stared at him.

"Here's my card if you ever want to catch up, by the way. I'm an art dealer now, so maybe I can help you out professionally? Keep me in mind at least," he handed me a card and patted me on the shoulder. "I best be off, I have an hour of driving to do, and you have some reading you need to focus on."