Acceptance of Denial Pt. 03

"Thank you for this, for all of this, Hans," I stuttered, unsure of what to say now. "Ah, it was all a part of fate I guess, I'm just following through. But, as you can see, I never forgot you. You take care, alright?" Hans smiled down at me, his eyes twinkling knowingly.

"Oh, it was worth it to just to see her once again, wasn't it?" he gestured up at Erika, who was looking down at us from her place high on the wall. I nodded, lost for words as I looked up to meet the intensity of that gaze that had held my mind captive in it's true presence for just over two years, and in many of my dreams forevermore. In that moment, I realized that this was one of my paintings I could never criticize, having reached a level of self satisfaction with how I had transferred Erika's liveliness to a canvas. Now, more than ever, I could appreciate it.

"Yes, it was worth it. I really do appreciate this, although it's all been so unexpected," I smiled up at him and leaned in to give him a farewell hug. "Perhaps we will stay in contact now after all," I speculated, and he grinned, walking towards the door with a brief farewell wave.

"I'll see you again... Soon..." he said, his words reminding me of the last words he'd ever said to her. But this time there was a defined time frame which he'd see me within, and soon was enough for me. I did hope to see him again at some point, now that he had proven to be a friend and not a risk-not someone to run from despite the dangers of the past.

Later that night after I'd caught a cab back to the hotel, an almost eerie situation which reminded me all too much of certain elements of the past, I returned to my room for the peaceful quiet and isolation I so needed at the time. Only a moment after I had shut the door to my suite had I clutched Erika's letter and pulled it with shaking fingers from my jacket. I sat down at the end of the huge bed to finally read what she hoped I would all those years ago.

I took a deep breath as I opened the sealed envelope and pulled out the letter, unfolding it while I braced under the rushing waves of anticipation. I held the crisp paper in my hands that she had inscribed and held with her own hands in such a distant past.

Dearest Kristin,

I have asked Hans to give this letter to you in circumstances where something unfortunate has happened to me. I doubt he will suspect anything of the true nature of this letter, but rest assured that I know him well enough to judge his character as being one of loyalty, and I mean loyalty to me, more so than the military, in this instance. If he were to know anything, I know that he would not act negatively. I know his family as I know him, and I have known them long before this war. Anyhow, enough of such a trifling matter.

Oh Kristin, how I wish, now as I write this, that I knew how my end occurred, so that I may stop it and cease the chain of events which will surely leave you unhappy in some way. I don't want to hurt you, I never wanted to cause you such raw pain... And as I sit here now thinking of my lack of presence with you after my passing, I ponder how we engaged so freely in such intimate pursuits. It's true that I pressed and pressed you, especially in the very beginning, but I know that such forcefulness is how I make my way in all things in this life. And I know that you know this too.

Yes, I was cruel, as I am even now, and it was strange, but I found that I craved it. I craved you, and all that you are. It was only you that I wanted. I was driven purely on possession of you, and now that I can tell you what it was really like for me in those times, I can confess that I liked the power that I held over you. And I enjoyed the power that you had over me in the beginning and later on, when I allowed you to have authority so that you could dominate me when I needed to be disciplined. That was what I first thought mattered to me.

But I was wrong, I realized, as I went away for several days and found that at night time especially, I remembered how willing you were to be mine or how willing you were to punish and hurt me when I needed it. And yes, my dearest Kristin, I know how much it terrified you to be so heavy handed and sometimes borderline brutal to give me the satisfaction I needed. Yet you still pushed past your fears for me, and I will always appreciate you for that.

I realized your willingness to simply be what I needed or desired was something I hadn't encountered for my entire life and I began to care for you because I realized that I had found something special in you. It wasn't enough to come just thinking of you when I was alone, I needed your presence to feel completely sated.

And of course then I realized I was actually falling for you. And I couldn't believe it. Me, falling in love with a woman more than twenty years younger than myself? I know, darling, that the ages didn't matter, but the difference in age was nonetheless unique. And this uniqueness fuelled me also, made me want to exploit myself and lose my sanity and normality completely. So it wasn't a negative aspect for me, but more of a twisted enticement, forgive my banality.

But let me make this clear Kristin, I love, will always love and will never stop loving you, even after the moment of my passing. And I don't know if I ever said those three words to you, but although this letter lacks the rawness of me saying it to you in person, know now, my dearest, that I truly love you with an exultation and fear which rests so deeply and painfully within my heart that I'll never forget it. And even as my soul left my body, know that my soul has been branded by my everlasting love for you and it will never fade from where you are. Know that in some way, at some time in the future, we will meet and reunite again.

Kristin, I could write this for you forever and never stop-how I long to. But I can only write so much of my heart before it demands a break and urges me to tell you the truth in other intimate ways. And I know that I'll be seeing you again tonight when I return from the meeting this afternoon. I look forward to displaying my cryptic affection for you this evening, but I wonder if you already know I love you, even a little part of you deep down, though I'm yet to say it.

I don't want you to ache about the past, or ache about me, or the things you regret. Hopefully, having read these words, written freely and honestly for you and you alone, coming directly from my heart, you will find peace and this will ease any pain you've been feeling. I have never really left you, but at least there is the knowledge that some day we can begin again, hopefully in peacetime and not in a time of dark war.

Despite my satisfaction in my success as a woman with influence in this war, I feel no pride in the system I have been a part of or the misery I have caused, to you and to others. It is always a good thing to face the future and adopt a mindset of willing acceptance of denial. Just accept what you have denied.

All my love and sincerest thoughts of you forever and always,

Erika Adler

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Fin