April Can Be So Foolish

April watched with large hungry eyes as Nicki got up and stood in front of her as she sat on the sofa. Nor did she resist when Nicki gently lifted her with one arm under her bent knees as the other around her waist encouraged her to lay down on the sofa they had just been sitting on. When she knelt beside her and bent to kiss her lips, April closed her eyes and surrendered her fears to enjoy this first clear expression of the feelings that had built up since they had first met. She wrapped her arms around Nicki's neck and returned the energy of that kiss, and parted her lips to allow Nicki to explore and dance with her own tongue. April had always wondered what it would feel like, and now she knew...it was more wonderful than any of her dreams.

When she felt the buttons of her shirt being unloosed, April knew she should stop this before it was too late...but just a little more, a new voice said in her head...a little more will be safe...she chose to trust that voice. And then her shirt was open and the light lacy bra was gone... her breasts were exposed to another person for the first time in her life! The cool air mixed with the warm caresses created a perfect blend of opposites, and her nipples responded with a hard ripeness that she had never felt. Was that her that moaned...did it matter? But the cry of abandon as Nicki took one of the hardened nipples into her mouth was definitely hers...she arched her back had pressed the back of Nicki's head tight as she writhed in the new experience of intimate human contact!

It was a testament to Nicki's character that she subdued her own desperate need and satisfied herself with this small surrender of April's fears. It was enough, she told herself. It was enough to just know there was a possibility of something more with the treasure she had found. The maturity of the years had tempered her impatient lusts. She was content to suckle these wonderfully pert nipples and steal kisses and share whispered words...it was enough for now.

Being a virgin in every way, April had not given thought to how she might return Nicki's interests. She was too overcome with just finally being touched in an intimate way to do anything but lay passive under Nicki's hands and mouth. And as it turned out, this in itself was a new experience for Nicki, and as the obvious wetness she could feel implied, she found she was thrilled at that passivity and surrender. She had always been a so called top with other women, but she had never really found the perfect match. Perhaps this was that perfect match. Most of her previous lovers had their own desires to be in control, and the compromise was always...a compromise. But with April's passive surrender, it was all Nicki could do to restrain herself from stripping the rest of the clothes away to posses every inch of this soft virginal flesh!

With some small part of their passion released, Nicki once again found April's lips. That kiss was more gentle, a mutual sharing of gratitude for one another. Oddly, Nicki realized she was satisfied with just this. Always before it was lust and the joy of physical frenzy. But with April under her, Nicki felt satisfied to be the protector and the careful guide. That April was so obviously inexperienced worked to bring a real sense of something deeper to be found...a more steady and sustainable pleasure. Not that she didn't want to rip the last of Aprils clothes off, just that she was wise enough to know it wasn't the right time. Let this be about her, Nicki told herself. Let her experience this with no fear or regret.

How long they had been there was unknown, the fire had burned low and April's steady breathing told Nicki that she was asleep. Nicki lifted her head from Aprils breast and there was a perfect glow in the room for her to see the small, but perfect treasures she had been exploring. Rising to her feet, she lifted April into her arms and carried her to the bed she would sleep in that night. Nicki was tempted to strip her and slide in beside her, but again that voice of caution turned her to her own room and her own lonely bed. As she walked quietly from the room she said softly, "One day my love...one day soon I will be there beside you."

*****

The morning sun peeked in and woke April early the next day. For a long moment she didn't recall where she was or how she got here. But when she sat up, she remembered is all. She quickly peeked under the covers to confirm that her pants were still there! Thankfully, they were and she relaxed once again. She snuggled back into the warm bed and began to replay what she could remember from last night. That it was wonderful and beyond any experience she had ever had, she was very sure of. She worked out that she must have dozed off and Nicki had somehow got her into bed. She played with her nipples and let the memories float awhile longer. But needing to pee, finally won out and she got out of bed and into the bathroom.

Might as well get a shower while Nicki slept, she told herself. Since she was only half dressed anyway it was just a matter of removing her pants and her gaff that held the shrunken penis against her body. She was just getting ready to step into the shower when Nicki opened the door looking half asleep! April stood frozen in shock as Nicki stared with an indescribable look on her face. Finally she blurted out, "What the fuck! You're a man?"

"No, no it's not what you think," April tried to say.

But Nicki cut her off angrily pointing a finger in her face, "I can't believe your a fucking pervert. Did you really think I was going to go for this shit?"

"Nicki, I wanted to tell you but,"

"But what? What were you going to tell me, that this is your idea of an April Fools joke? Or maybe that I'd like a cock for a change? Not going to happen, get dressed and let's get out'a here," Nicki said and slammed the door closed.

April sagged against the wall and buried her face in her hands. Just like that, just like she had known it would be...it was over. All the stupid false hopes and silly dreams. Dark thoughts of the peace that must come with death danced in her mind once again...they had been away for awhile, but like old friends they were back.

Somehow she was once again in her bedroom...there was the bed she just left. Her bag was on the chair in the corner. With fear and shame and regret April dressed. Then she sat in the chair, there was no thought of leaving this room. In her mind she would wait until Nicki was gone and then walk back to town. I'll have to rent a car she told herself. The knock on the door startled her back into the moment.

"Come on, we don't have all day," came the still angry voice through the door.

"You go, I'll get to town by myself," April said barely loud enough for Nicki to understand.

"That's stupid April, come on I don't want to waste all day here playing games," Nicki said brusquely.

Realizing she had no choice, April picked up her bag and went to face whatever was coming. When she opened the door, Nicki turned and said, "Let's go. It's a long drive home."

And with no other word spoken the two would be lovers drove in silence back to Florence. Nicki stopped to fill the truck for the return trip. When she went inside to pay, April took the opportunity to slip away unnoticed. She would have to find a car to rent, she told herself as she hurried away from the gas station.

When Nicki returned her anger was rekindled at finding her gone. He looked around the store and checked the restrooms, but April had vanished.

"Fucking bastard," she mumbled to herself. How could I have been duped so easily? She was angry, but there was also concern about where April, or whatever his name is, would go. In the end, with no other option she just got in the truck and drove north toward home.

******

April ended up in a hotel after realizing it was impractical to walk around Florence searching for a car rental company. Once inside the sanctuary of her room, she was too drained to do anything except lie down on the bed and cry herself to sleep. But it was one of those fitful slumbers halfway between sleep and wakefulness. It was one of those slumbers where there were more questions than answers and where there were more demons than angels. After a couple of hours she gave up and called the front desk to ask about car rentals and a cab.

Having finally secured herself a ride, she returned once again to her room. Her motivation to decide, or even care about what to do next was non-existent. In the end, she just crashed out on the bed again and this time she did sleep a little deeper.

Upon awakening once more, the lateness of the afternoon forced the decision she hadn't been able to make earlier...it was too late to start the drive home. The room was paid for, there was no reason to drive all night. And truth be told, she didn't really even want to go back to Astoria. April started to chew on that...she was too invested to pack up and leave Astoria. She would just have to tough out the strain of living and working so near to Nicki. The words Nicki had said in her rage played over in her mind. This was not the first time she had heard such hateful words, but never had they cut so deep. The chance to explain herself seemed to have evaporated and she had reached a fork in the road from which there was no turning back or undoing what had happened.

As darkness once again foretold the coming of night, April idly thought of not having eaten today. Oh well, it's not worth the trouble she quickly decided. She opted for a movie and settled in for another night all alone. All alone she understood...all alone was safe.

*****

When April finally arrive back home late the next day, driving up to her house didn't bring the usual pride she felt in all she had built and accomplished. The house looked more like a prison and there was no joy in being here.

She moped around for two days and then decided that she needed to somehow close this chapter in her life. She had been thinking off and on ever since the long drive home that she wanted to have an opportunity to tell her side of all of this disaster. There's no way she could meet Nicki face to face, but the idea of a letter kept surfacing in her thoughts. Finally realizing that she could write the letter and decide later whether or not to send it, prompted her to sit down and begin.

For some reason, she felt this should be an old fashioned hand written letter. She loved to write and even had a passion for calligraphy. Pen and ink felt so much more alive and intimate to her. So with pen and ink, she sat down at her desk and began.

Nicki,

I want to put a 'Dear' in front of that name, but I fear you would laugh. But I do want to tell you what I was unable to tell you before. I understand your feelings of being deceived, but I hope you will read these words and at least understand why I handled this all so ineptly. I don't expect an answer, and I'm not writing to change your mind. I just feel a need to tell my whole story, and hope that you might at least not hate me so much.

Everything I told you of my past was true. What you witnessed was an omission in that story, but it was an omission based on my own fears of losing you as a friend at first. But as my feelings grew into more than friendship, I was trapped in that original deception. I had not envisioned or planned on falling in love with you. I wish you could know how I wrestled with how I could reveal everything to you once I had let the truth remain unsaid for so long. I guess the truth is, I started with just thinking you would be a very casual acquaintance who couldn't care less about the details of my life. As it turned out, you became much more than that.

My goal and my plan has always been to make a full transition which would confirm my outward appearance with my inner self. I have been walking this difficult path since puberty. But in truth, my emotional confusion has been with me for as long as I can remember. I didn't have the same understanding parents that you did though. So it has taken me much longer than it should have to finally plunge forward into the complex issues of my transition. I am almost there. The only thing left is getting rid of the last physical traces of my old body. And frankly, I would have already had the final surgeries if I had been able to afford them.

But none of this adequately explains or justify the fact that I deceived you by omission. It wasn't that I didn't want to be honest, I just felt I needed the right moment to tell you. It all happened so fast...my love for you ignited a hope I had never known. And before I knew it, the right moment to tell you had passed us by. I had let my fear prevent me from being honest until there was no good time left for either of us. I can now see that in waiting to find a perfect time to protect our love, I have done quite the reverse and destroyed that love.

In the end, I can only say I am sorry. Sorry for being stupid mostly. For that stupidity led me to the rest...the ridiculous delusion that I could allow the love to grow without first letting you know the truth. My tears force me to stop, and probably it is a good place to stop. More words will not undo what I have wrought.

But, I want you to know one thing...you gave me a taste of love and that is more than anyone has ever done. That I wish you the very best...that I wish for you the kind of love I didn't give you...I hope you know in your heart that at the least, these words are true.

Your Friend, April

PS: Thank you for the necklace, it was the first gift like this I've ever received. I've enclosed it, because it will only haunt me to know that the love that bought that gift is no longer.

*****

Nicki was surprised to get the small package marked personal and confidential at her office. She opened it and the contents made it clear that it was from April. Still angry, her first impulse was to throw both the sealed envelope and the small box in the trash. But instead she just set aside for later when she got home.

That Nicki was upset was obvious to everyone who came into contact with her. Her normal and upbeat personality was now dark and reserved. She let her anger cover for the fact that she had fallen in love...but she had fallen in love with a con artist. It was both the bruise to her heart and the insult to her dignity that kept the fire of anger alive.

At the end of another day, a day when she couldn't really care less about all of the problems that came to her to solve, Nicki still got angry when she looked at the letter on the coffee table. She had repainted the picture of April in her head from a delicate sweet woman into a demented pervert.

"Might as well get it over with," she said aloud to the empty room.

Nicki read the letter three times. From the first words her feelings were softened, and by the time she had finished it for the third time she had tears in her eyes and remorse in her heart. She open the little box and remembered how light and alive she had felt when she bought it...and the look of surprised delight when April had opened it.

"What did she think...that I was stupid and didn't know about trans people," Nicki again asked the room. "She could have told me."

But then a voice in her mind said, 'I remember when you were pretty confused.'

"Thanks for butting in Mom," Nicki said aloud.

But that voice did turn her thoughts to a more empathetic trail. And that trail led to the obvious conclusion that April's words were sincere and true. And Nicki could understand how the tangled web had been spun, and the parts she had played in an unintended way.

Nicki was a woman of confidence and decision, so it didn't take her long to come to the conclusion that, at the very least, she owed April an apology and a chance for her own healing. It was too late tonight to go see her, and she doubted that April would take her call. So tomorrow morning, she would do what needed to be done.

It shouldn't have surprised Nicki when her thoughts shifted to hope. But as she revisited just how entranced and smitten she had become with April, hope was indeed rekindled. If this is all true, and she reasoned it was, then nothing has really changed. The love that they shared was very real...it was the most real thing Nicki had ever experienced.

Now it was Nicki who felt remorse for her vicious attack. 'It was just a misunderstanding, and all lovers have those,' her mother's voice whispered once again. And Nicki knew that it was true, a misunderstanding that could be cleared up. And for the first time in days, Nicki felt hopeful again. Yes, tomorrow she would go see April and they could talk.

*****

Nicki was up earlier than usual, too early actually to either call the office and let them know she would be late, and too early to call April and try to talk her in to letting her come over to talk. So, with nothing more to do she drank another cup of coffee and read April's letter once again. With each reading she could hear April saying the words written so elegantly in a practiced hand. And with each reading her own words haunted her a little more. But words, like arrows can never be brought back after loosing them. All she could do now was try to convince April that she had lost control and hadn't taken the time to regain her composure before shouting out those hateful words.

Finally, with work issues squared away, Nicki made the hardest call of her life. As the phone rang and rang she knew April was trying to decide if she should pick it up. "Come on baby, be brave and please pick it up," Nicki said into the phone. As if she had heard, a small tentative voice said, "Hi."

Nicki had worked out what she would say, but it all flew away like loose paper down a windy street, and she just blurted out, "I fucked up April. I didn't know and I fucked it up." Her tears couldn't be heard, but they were there running down Nicki's cheeks.

"Me too, and I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do," April said as her own tears flowed again.

"Can I come over so we can talk," Nicki asked.

"I'd like that," April answered and felt the tiniest hint of hope rekindle in her heart.

"I'm leaving now, see you in a bit. And April, thanks for giving me another chance."

"I'm glad you called to give me another chance too," April replied.

Nicki made a record time in getting to April's front door, and when the doorbell rang April was just finishing up a rushed job of changing clothes and putting a little make-up on. But is was enough, and when she opened the door, all of Nicki's plan's once again got swept away as she instinctively pulled her lover close in a silent embrace. Without the need for words, fears and anger were washed away in that embrace... and hope and love were once more set in place.

April leaned back and looked up into Nicki's. eyes and said, "I'm so...," but Nicki's lips on her own shushed her.

"You've already said that, and I hear it. But I need to say I'm sorry too," Nicki told her.

"I love you," April said as she lay her head on Nicki's shoulder.

"I didn't realize how much I love you, until you were gone," Nicki replied. "Let's go sit down and talk."

They were once again sitting overlooking the ocean from the second floor of April's home. It was almost like nothing had changed, almost but not quite.

"There's one good thing from all of this, I think," Nicki said.

"What is that," April asked.

"It's knocked off a lot of days that we would have spent wondering if we loved enough for this to be something real," Nicki told her.

"Are you sure? Don't you have a million questions you need answers for before you can know for sure," April asked.

"I think your letter explained everything that needed to be cleared up for me. Do you have any unanswered questions that you need answers for...if you do, please say so," Nicki told her.