by discoflutterby
It's descriptive where it needs to be, but I agree that it's a bit short. However, your punctuation needs work. Too many ellipses. Try commas and even semi-colons. Also, perhaps you could use italics rather capitalizing entire words to emphasize them. But all-in-all a very good first submission.
However you need to be more careful with your grammar. You were switching between past and present tense which I found a little distracting. Personally I prefer stories to be told in the past tense, but whatever tense you choose you should stick with it for the whole narrative.
Good first effort, I hope that we shall see more from you .... Keep writing :-)
Tom D
You did good for your first time, could be just a little longer. Would love to see you post the little pic next to your name in the Bio section. Keep writing.
Everything was there. All the bases of a sexually explicit piece were touched. Seemed to quick, The end is not always the goal of a trip. Often it is the journey that makes getting there so intense.