Being a Man for Himself

"Then let me ask you something. And be honest. If your wife would have wanted to have kids, would you still want to adopt?"

Henry thought for a moment. "I think I would have considered it less but I don't see why not. There are kids who need a home. So, sure. Adopting them wouldn't mean I loved my biological children any less."

"Do you really think an adoption agency will just let you adopt a child as a single father?"

"Don't know. I'll just have to see."

She stood there thinking about what he'd said while he logged out of the computer system. He put the usb with all the precious data on it into his pocket. Even without the numbers right in front of his eyes his mind was imagining all of the possible scenarios that might play out. These people were going to do this and those people were going to do that because they didn't know about each other and had no way to predict what the other would do. They would each act in their own interest and if someone like Henry could be in the middle of it... Well, there was a lot of money to be made.

He almost felt like he needed to check his enthusiasm. Surely it wasn't that easy. Maybe there was something he was missing. In any event, nothing would happen over the weekend and if Henry had to guess there was still more time than that. They hadn't reached the critical point yet.

Henry started for the garage and Merissa followed him. Before they knew it they were at Henry's vehicle. Henry offered her a ride home if she wanted it and then they were both in his car.

He drove to her apartment building and she was about to get out when Henry stopped her.

"Feel free to say no but would you mind if I kissed you?"

"I see what you did there. If I say no it means I don't mind but if I say yes it means I'm saying yes to you."

"So the answer is, you don't want me to kiss you."

"I didn't say that. I'm just worried about it because I thought we were friends."

Henry just looked away from her. She was going to say something but he put his hand up. She took the hint and got out of his car.

Henry wasn't going to waste any time worrying about being rejected. He was busy.

Computer store. Done. Next.

Internet hooked up at new apartment. Done. Next.

Setting up new computer. Not done. What was this stupid garbage of a user interface?

Deleting factory operating system and installing unix like alternative with software that was more like what was used at the company. Done. Next.

Installing programs to store, analyze, and visualize data. Done. Next.

Henry looked at the numbers. It was clear as day what needed to happen. Why hadn't anyone else seen it yet?

It was four in the afternoon. It was still too early for dinner. He got his phone out and looked up Merissa's number.

"Hello." she said.

"Hi. Um Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"Oh, it's like that, is it?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said before."

"It's ok. You don't want to and that's fine. I'm wondering what I want to do for dinner. Do you have any suggestions?"

"You want to have dinner with me?"

"You can tag along if you want but for tonight I was thinking I'd treat myself. I want a nice dinner and a movie."

"What's playing?"

"I don't care. It's been seven years since I've been to the movie theater and I'm going to see a movie."

"Would you like some company?"

"Sounds great but since we're just friends we better each pay our own way."

"I understand."

Henry and Merissa went to a very nice restaurant and afterwards they went to see a movie. The movie sucked but Henry didn't care. He was happy to have his freedom back. He was never going back to Keiko. Never.

Ok, maybe not absolutely never. If she were chained by the neck, gagged, naked, and acting as his footstool then he could see himself tolerating her in his house. But only under those circumstances. She was not his equal. That wasn't a slight against all women. It was specifically aimed at Keiko. She was a stupid, selfish bitch. He deserved much better than her and even if he never found a woman who met his ever rising standards then he'd be happier being alone then being with fucking Keiko.

After the movie Henry and Merissa went back to Henry's apartment. He showed her his new computer and just as a joke, he even showed her the numbers. He started to explain his thought process and what he saw happening. He didn't tell her he was sort of planning to make a move himself.

As he explained it he heard his own words with his ears and he started to understand it even more deeply than he did before. The opportunity was even more present before his mind. He came to a very real decision right then to do it. He didn't care if he had to borrow the money or take a three month advance against his salary. He was going to do it. It would pay off and even if it didn't, he'd at least get his original investment back. How often could you say that? It was a gamble but ultimately he couldn't lose.

It was getting late so Henry drove Merissa home. Outside of her building they were again in that moment. He looked at her and expected her to just open the door. Before getting out of his car she turned to him and leaned in. She didn't say anything but she looked at him with longing. Henry saw what she wanted and he kissed her. It wasn't the deepest or most passionate kiss he'd ever had. It was small, like a secret to be kept between them.

When the kiss ended, without a word, she just lowered her head and got out.

Sunday

The original plan was to go back to that place that served grits but as soon as Henry woke up he saw he had a message from Merissa asking if he'd like to come over for breakfast.

Megan was a good cook. And she even made Henry some grits when he asked if they knew what they were. Henry and Merissa sat together eating and chatting. They didn't bring up the issue of the kiss but Merissa seemed to be a bit changed than she was before. After breakfast Henry found himself just lounging on her sofa with Merissa sitting next to him. The tv was showing some mindless program but somehow it was just nice and relaxing to just sit there. Henry wasn't really paying attention to the show. He had the numbers going through his head.

Then he felt Merissa put her arms around him and she pressed her body close so she could snuggle up to him.

"Don't you mind that I'm married?" Henry whispered to her.

"I was thinking about that. I think maybe you're not as married as everyone believes."

"What do you mean?"

"Well you said you were going to get that thing that made it like you never were married in the first place. So I thought about it and I guess that means you're really single. The law just hasn't figured it out yet."

And so that was how it was. Nothing else needed to be said. Henry could relax with her. He closed his eyes and just felt her body next to his. That was so nice. He'd never done that with Keiko. Every time he'd tried to hug her or cuddle with her she'd pushed him away. She always complained that Henry smelled too much like a man or that his body was too hot or too cold.

On any other Sunday his wife would have had him carrying this, or moving that, or any number of things Henry was too tired and malnourished to do. How had he not died? Why had he even married her? He thought back to the proposal. He hadn't been thinking. He thought he was doing the right thing, the honorable thing.

He remembered his wife's mother had said something. She'd warned Henry not to marry her daughter. She didn't speak English so Henry was surprised when the Japanese woman had gone out of her way to try and tell Henry something using the few English words she could string together. At the time Keiko had just said that her mother was worried about Keiko getting married to a white guy. Henry had heard that Japanese families were sometimes sort of racist like that. But what if that wasn't it? What if it was something else? Henry had gotten along pretty well with his mother-in-law after the wedding. She never seemed to be against Henry.

He saw the wedding happening again. He was standing there in front of the minister and he was being asked the question. Henry looked up at the cross which lacked Crist's body. He looked at the man who was waiting for Henry's answer. He looked over at Keiko who wasn't looking at him. She was turned to the audience and she was basking in their attention.

No, came Henry's response. Everyone in the audience gasped. Then he saw Keiko pointing at him and police officers emerged from behind her to chase after Henry as he ran away. They pulled out their guns and started firing at Henry. He was struck. He fell to the ground. He couldn't move. He felt the weight of the officers on top of him as they twisted his arm and pushed their knee into his back. He was powerless. All he could do was lay there and breathe.

"Wake up." said a voice.

Henry felt someone shake him. The voice spoke again.

"Wake up."

Henry opened his eyes to discover that he'd fallen asleep on Merissa's sofa and most of the day had passed.

"I'm sorry to have to wake you up." Merissa said. "Megan's not here and I need to go out for a bit."

"It's cool. I understand." Henry stood up and stretched. He rolled his shoulders a few times and his body got used to the temperature. Henry and Merissa went together down to the street where both of their cars were. Just as Henry was going to get into his car Merissa came to him and they shared their second kiss. It was more substantial than the one from before but still rather short.

Once he got home he realized that even though he hadn't been productive the whole day, it was the best weekend he'd had since he'd been married. He actually felt refreshed and energized.

For dinner he had steak. He might have looked odd to the other patrons at the very upscale establishment he had chosen but Henry didn't care. He also didn't care that he was eating alone. He loved not having to pay for another person. Of course he would have gladly paid for Merissa if she were spending her time with him but that was just her.

As he was eating and savoring every bite he got out his phone and learned how to open the browser on it. He searched for a homeless shelter that housed only men. He found one not that far away. He told the waiter he needed to make a call so the staff would not think he'd just left. He went to the little hallway that accessed the bathrooms and called up the shelter. Henry found out how many men were going to be staying there that night. The number seemed small to Henry but he certainly wasn't going to wish that more people were homeless.

Before paying his check he ordered six more meals to go. The waiter looked puzzled and Henry explained what he wanted to do. The waiter acknowledged the request but from the looks of things the managers were debating on if they should honor it or not. In the end they did and Henry paid the check.

The four men with no homes and the two staff who worked at the shelter were extremely grateful. Henry got filled in on why there were only four men there. Most other people went to other shelters because they were closer to the soup kitchens or other public services.

"We're little more than a spill over." the guy with the keys said.

One by one, each of the men thanked Henry and before he was able to get out of it he found himself as part of a prayer circle. Henry listened as each man told their story. It was clear that they had each had a lot of practice explaining why they were so destitute. Henry listened without judgment.

The youngest of the men had just gotten out of an orphanage. He was looking for a job but hadn't found anything yet since he hadn't finished high school. He was too old to stay in state's custody so he found himself at the shelter.

Henry wasn't sure why he'd decided to buy meals for those guys. He thought back on what he'd been thinking. He guessed he was trying to prove he wasn't selfish. Now that he knew the kinds of lives they lived he felt like there had to be more to it. Why didn't they have jobs? Why wasn't there a way for them to be productive and earn a living?

Monday

The first thing Henry did on Monday morning was print out the pdf he'd made at home. He had updated the program that could automatically do his job but the numbers that he was supposed to fill in by hand were only a faint shadow on the page. When Henry printed it out all he had to do was right the number in over what was already there. He had nearly all of this week's word finished.

Right after getting the first forty pages done and getting those forms shipped off, he went down to payroll. They were surprised to see him again so soon. Henry asked how much of an advance he could get on his salary.

Once that was in the works, it was time to go back to his office and pretend to work while he called the bank. In order to get the kind of loan he wanted he'd have to come into the bank and have an interview. Luckily it was scheduled for that day. Great, moving along.

How could he get more investors? Would the company back him? Who could he ask? His mind was cycling through all the possible people he could get in contact with.

Henry was looking at the clock and counting the minutes until he'd have to rush out the door and get to the bank when his boss came into his office and closed the door behind her.

"Hi. What brings you here?" Henry asked.

"I need to speak with you. Why don't you sit down."

Even though this was Henry's office his boss had suddenly taken it over.

"What's up?"

"I came to let you know that we aren't considering you for the promotion anymore."

"Who's getting it?"

"We're going to let Heather move up."

Heather! Ok, that did sort of make sense but if that was the case it meant they already knew they were going to give it to her and they were just yanking his chain. They had gotten Henry to build up his hopes and keep that feeling all weekend just so they could shoot him down on Monday. They were playing games with him.

"Good for her." Henry said.

His boss put the document Henry had typed up on his desk.

"Can I ask you what this is all about?"

"Sure. Ask away." This was good. This was very good, Henry thought. If he could get the company on board then it meant more money for everyone. If she wanted explanations then Henry would be happy to give them to her.

"You're not an analyst."

Ok. He hadn't expected her to say that.

She continued, "Why are you spending your time on this?"

"I noticed it and thought it was important."

"Are you getting all your work done? You went home early so many times last week. How much do you have backed up?"

"Nothing. I'm actually ahead." Now it all made sense. Henry had been noticed for something good so the company needed to hammer him back down. In that moment he thought of the homeless men at the shelter. That was why people stayed in these kinds of jobs. They were addicted to their paycheck. And Henry was just like that. In a lot of ways, those men at the shelter had more courage just facing daily life than Henry had ever had to muster.

"In either case, I'm docking your pay."

"Why?"

"You broke the dress code. On Thursday and Friday you were seen wearing..."

"For that! You have to be kidding me."

"Watch your tone. You're wasting company time on this kind of thing. You're lucky I don't fire you."

"Fire me? For what?"

"Henry. I like you. You're putting me in a very hard position."

"Did you even read the report I wrote?"

"I shouldn't have to. That's not your job and I'm too busy for this sort of thing."

She handed him another document and Henry looked at it. The official answer to if he could have an advance against his salary was no. That was the writing on the wall. They were going to fire him. It had already been decided. They were just making a show of things to put the company in a strong position. Henry was only allowed to work there so long as he could be used as a pawn in the constant battle one group of managers had with one of the other groups. The second it looked like Henry wasn't useful for that battle anymore then he would get pushed out. That was all they really cared about. They didn't care what was in the company's best interest or how to maximize share holder value. They cared about their group winning, even if they burned the whole thing down around them.

Henry wondered how much longer he had left. Maybe if he faded into the background he could... No. Fuck that. Fuck this place. He looked up at the clock. It was time to go.

Henry headed for the door and his boss asked where he was going. Henry just said it was officially lunchtime and he had to go. She tried to get him to stay with a verbal warning of what might happen to his job if he walked out on their conversation.

Henry took his tie off and threw it past her to his desk. "I'm coming back for that in an hour. You aren't docking my pay. No. You're going to have my last paycheck ready by the time I get back here because if it's not I'm calling the police."

Henry stormed out without even giving her time to respond. As he marched at full speed down to the bank he felt a lot of fear. He was going to lose his job. He hadn't seen this coming but all the signs were there. He was going to be homeless.

Ok, no. He wasn't going to be homeless. He could find a job. Even if it was for half of what he was making now, he could find something. But what if he didn't? He had to put it out of his mind. That wasn't what he needed to think about for right now.

He was nearly sweating as he sat in the bank waiting for the interview. His insides were turning over again and again as the thought that he'd have to live in that shelter came to his mind.

No. He wasn't going to end up in a shelter. His brother would take him in, if only long enough for Henry to find a job. And if not his brother than his sister? Wait. Scratch that. No. She'd never help him. He already knew that. She'd be right there with Keiko dancing on his grave in blissful glee at the thought of Henry's demise.

The bank manager called Henry in and he was about to go into his entire pitch for why he needed the money and how he was a good risk to pay the money back but the woman stopped him.

She had a stack of documents on her desk. She turned them around to face Henry and he looked at the numbers.

"Mr. Cooper. Take a look at this. Your wife is over $300,000 in debt."

"What? Holy shit."

"I take it you didn't know."

"No. Not in the slightest. To who?"

"To everyone. I'm sorry to have to tell you this Mr. Cooper but we just can't extend any more credit to you."

Henry had to let himself breathe in and out a few times. "I understand. Thank you for seeing me."

"Your welcome. If the situation changes we'd love to do more business with you in the future. You can keep that print out if you like."

While he was walking back to the office he wondered if he could apologize. He could grovel. He could throw himself down to his knees and beg forgiveness. He stood outside the front doors. He took a deep breath, opened the door, and started walking through the lobby. He was almost to the elevator when security stopped him.

They confiscated his ID card and handed him a box with his personal things in it. Henry demanded his paycheck and they handed him an envelope. They tried to force Henry to move along but he insisted on opening it right there.

This company had a one month delay in paying salary. You had to work for two months before you saw your first paycheck. It sucked when you were first starting. It also loomed over people's heads if they wanted to quit because there was always the danger that the company would not want to pay that last month's salary. Henry had been there for so long he had severance built into his contract. If they didn't pay him then he'd sue. He'd legally be in the right.