Best of Both Worlds Ch. 05

I almost died as I saw Bill standing there. The guilt poured over me, as the justifications that has allowed me to push it away melted before my eyes as I saw the look on his face, the shock, the horror, the sadness.

My first thought was that he was going to kill us, and as he told Jacques to get out I realized he wanted to hurt him, but was holding back. At the same time, I realized he would never hit me, or physically hurt me, even though he may have been justified to do so, having caught me fucking somebody in our bed.

Even though I knew he was badly hurt, his words stung deeply as he said, "And to think honey, that you always thought that ass play was dirty! I guess you were right, only fucking sluts and whores would do that, wouldn't they?" His voice was like I'd never heard it, hard but yet defeated. He looked like he had been run over by a train.

Panicking I tried to tell him I loved him, and only him, that Jacques meant nothing to me. Out of desperation I told him that I'd never been with somebody until today. As this was going on Jacques quickly dressed and headed past Bill out the door, not even looking back at me.

My hopes that somehow this could quickly be salvaged were dashed as he threw some pictures on the bed. To my horror I saw pictures of Jacques and I involved in various acts of sex, pictures of me sucking his cock, fucking him and him eating me out.

"I'm not sure exactly when this started, but I know it has been going on for some time. There have been too many clues, I'm sure you thought you had fooled me, that you had gotten away with it, but I'm not that stupid. I'm not a detective, but I did have you followed, and today I met with my man, who gave me these pictures. I was coming home to confront you when somehow you went and made it even worse for me, letting me find you being fucked in our bed!"

"Please Bill, I love you. Let me make it up to you, I will never see him again! It's you I love, I've never stopped loving you."

"I'm sorry Sarah, maybe I could've forgiven one indiscretion, but you fucked him over and over and over again! You say you love me, after the way you have gone out of your way to deceive me, I must question your professed love for me. How many others have there been? I have loved you with all my heart, I have tried to make you happy and have treated you the best way that I could. You have been the only woman i've loved, or made love to, but after what's gone on, that love has been shattered, and there is no way I can put it back together."

"Bill, Bill, listen to me, I know that love is still there and that we can rebuild it together. What about our daughter? Let's make this work again, I don't know why I did this, but I do know that you're the only one that I've loved, could love, and still love!"

"You should have thought of our daughter some time ago Sarah. And if you loved me as you say you do, this wouldn't have gone on, or stopped right away! It's too late Sarah, I will divorce you, though I'm prepared to give you a fair settlement, along with reasonable rights of visitation with our child, for generally you have been a good mother. I'll leave you here for now, but I prefer that you leave tomorrow before our she comes home!"

With that he turned and walked out, leaving me crying in our bed, a bed I knew we would never share again.

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Sarah was still there when I went back the next day. I don't know if I'd ever seen her look that bad. Clearly she had spent much of her time crying. Before I could say anything she started, "Bill, I know how wrong I have been, please forgive me and give me another chance! You know it has always been you. I don't know what I was thinking, what I was doing, if you give me another chance, I will never do this again."

"Sarah, Sarah, what do you expect? If it had been me, if you had these pictures, if you saw me fucking my lover, you would have killed me, castrated me and fed my penis to the dogs. You always used to talk about how important it was to be faithful, and I always was faithful to you. I never would have dreamed of cheating, and I've had chances. But unlike you, I thought of how important my love was, and my fidelity, and how it would hurt you, but obviously these things didn't matter to you. There's no way I could ever trust you again. I would always be wondering when the next man would smile at you just the right way, when you'd drop your panties for him. The way you've done it, the way you lied to me shows me that you only loved yourself. You probably did love me, but not enough to think of what I felt, of what I thought. Part of me will always love you, but too much has gone on to love you as I did before. Especially since I doubt your love for me. It sure hasn't existed over the last year."

"Maybe we can still be friends, after all we share a child. Tell me, did you ever consider her and what this might mean to her? Or did you ever think of anything but your own feelings. I'm sorry Sarah, I don't think that I can ever forgive you for what you have done. I don't think you'll ever know how much you hurt me, of the knife you kept driving deeper and deeper into me, until yesterday when you cut the heart right out of me."

"But Bill, can't you see that it was only sex with Jacques, for you it was and always has been love."

"Sarah, one of the things that hurts me the most is that you can't see how ridiculous that statement is. You say it was 'love' with me, and only 'sex' with Jacques. Yet when you look at the last year, why is it that 'sex' always won over 'love'? I know that there were at least three times when you were too busy to have lunch with 'love', because you were spending time with 'sex', and those are only the times I can prove you lied to me. I know there were many other times you turned me down, though hopefully some of those were genuine."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember the day you said you were getting your hair done, when you came home it clearly hadn't been done in a while, and in fact you got it done two days later . Then there was the day you were having lunch with Susan, only she and Mike were having lunch together at the same place I ate at. The only way you could have been having lunch with them is if you were under the table taking care of him! And when you were having lunch with Mary and Nancy, and the next day Mary saw me and asked how you were, as she hadn't seen or talked to you for such a long time."

"And the Victoria's Secret outfits, yes I loved them, but how could you tell me you had just bought them when I found them hidden away well in advance, I'm sure 'sex' saw them before 'love'. The shaving of your pubic hair, I told you I saw it before I ruined your surprise, did you do it for 'love', or for 'sex'? And what about anal sex, you always turned 'love' down, but it was available for 'sex', and from what I heard, that wasn't the first time."

Sarah kept sobbing as I went on, "There is no doubt that whenever there was a choice, that you always chose 'sex', so don't tell me how important 'love' was, for the truth doesn't lie."

She kept trying to convince me otherwise, but when I refused to agree to give her a second chance she became angry, "If that's the way you want it, I guess that's the way it will be Bill. But remember all the good times, how could you throw them all away!"

"I didn't Sarah, you did."

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After Bill walked out that Saturday afternoon, I sat in our bed, dripping Jacques' cum onto the sheets. While I expected Bill would be upset if he discovered my affair, I'd convince myself he wouldn't be all that upset, for he would see how happy it had made me, and how it hadn't affected the way I felt about him, or our relationship.

But that look on his face when I turned around and saw him standing in the doorway of our bedroom, with Jacques's cock being pulled out of my ass, was far worse than I'd imagined in my worst nightmares. I saw a broken, defeated man in front of me, the man that I loved.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear, but there I was. My hopes that somehow I could make it seem as if it wasn't as bad as it looked were quickly dashed.

The list of things he verbally assaulted me with, things that clearly established that I hadn't, even at the moment of being caught, been honest, were compounded by the pictures he dropped on the bed. I was mortified as I looked at them, not even recognizing my face, and the look of lust upon it as I saw Jacques making use of my body.

I knew that I didn't want to lose Bill, or my daughter. So I sat up half the night thinking of how I could convince Bill that I truly did love him. At the same time, I was a little angry at him. I could accept the fact that he was angry at me, after all he'd walked in on another man fucking me up the ass.

But what about all the good times we'd shared? And those we could share together in the future? What about our daughter, didn't he think what a divorce would do to her? I wasn't the first one in the world to have an affair, and after all, it was only the sex, I didn't love Jacques, I loved Bill! Couldn't he see by how enthusiastically I had made love to him, even while things were going on with Jacques, that I still loved him? Even if I hadn't let him fuck me in the ass, I was thinking of a way to bring it up again, and let him try, after all without Jacques I never would have realized how good it felt.

I thought I was ready for him the next day, but things did not go well. My great idea to try and convince him that the affair was only about sex, and that I'd always loved him, didn't convince him. In fact, everything he brought up was turned by him to show that I had chosen 'sex' over 'love', any time I had to choose.

I wish that I could have been more articulate and been able to make my case, but my constant tears interfered with my attempts to explain how I loved him. I had never realized that he would be as hurt by me having an affair, and the pain that showed on his face as he talked impacted on me.

Yet the tone of voice, at times, especially when he was going on about how he knew I was cheating, and how I could let Jacques fuck me over and over again , was like he was spitting nails at me. In addition to the pain and hurt, it was obvious that he had hate, hate for what I had done, and hate for me.

Finally he told me that it wasn't him that was throwing out all the good times, but me, and turned and walked out.

As he did, I realized that I couldn't stop him from getting a divorce if he wanted it, especially with those pictures. As I packed some things, I realized that I'd better see a lawyer and talk it over, to see if it was best to go along with what Bill wanted. My heart broke again as I looked around my home, perhaps for the last time.

I phoned a friend, Judy, who was divorced and asked if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She was shocked when I told her that Bill wanted a divorce, telling me that she had never known a couple who seemed more suited for each other. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that it was because I had cheated on him, and instead found myself listening as she ranted about what a bastard he must be, and how was I going to cope.

As she went on, the anger started to overcome the hurt again. How could he end what we had, just because I had a fling? Surely he realized I would end it and things could be as they were.

The lawyer I saw told me, once I hesitantly told her the situation, that Bill was right. In our state, the cheating parent pays the price in custody battles, and the property division Bill had proposed was great compared to what the courts may give me under the circumstances. She agreed to contact Bill's lawyer and get the settlement documents put together and signed as soon as possible.

Still I hoped, that maybe by my cooperating so fully, that Bill would look at things a little differently.

Its funny, but I didn't think of Jacques that week. This was the first time in almost a year that we hadn't gotten together. When I did finally think of him, I thought that this might be for the best, any chance of getting together with Bill would end if he found out I was back with Jacques.

In fact, I thought this was might bit a test, maybe Bill still had the private investigator following me to see if I ran back into Jacques arms. Maybe if I showed him that it was over, he would reconsider and let me come back to him. With that thought in mind, I resolved to stay away, as much as I could have used him with his arms wrapped around me to give me comfort.

My resolve held for about a month, until one night when I was out for a walk, I saw Bill and another woman coming out of a restaurant, laughing at some joke. How could he! How could Bill see another woman! Didn't he realize how much I loved him? What about our daughter, what would she think of her father going out with another woman, making love to her?

By then, I had found a small apartment of my own and I ran back to it, tears streaming down my face. I struggled to get the key in the lock, finally unlocking it. As I sat on the couch, sobbing, I couldn't believe the hurt I felt at the thought of my Bill being unfaithful to me.

I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking of Bill with that other woman. I moped around all the next day, not being able to get the image of Bill fucking somebody else out of my mind.

Finally I decided, what the hell! I'd go and see Jacques again, at least I knew he'd be happy to see me. Our arrangement had been to get together every Thursday at lunch time. It was only Wednesday, but I thought I'd take a chance and surprise him. I drove by his shop, and was thrilled to see the 'Closed' sign in the window, and headed to his apartment, holding the key he'd given me.

The thoughts of having some more of that wonderful loving, and of hearing his sexy voice whispering endearments in my ear were enough to get my juices flowing. After all it had been over a month since that fateful day. I'm sure my panties were soaked by the time I arrived at his place. Trembling with anticipation, I opened the door. I couldn't see him, but thought I heard something coming from his bedroom. Thinking how much he'd like the surprise, I quickly and quietly crossed the floor and burst in the room, saying "Hello lover, ready to give me some of that great cock"

Just then I realized that he wasn't alone, in fact he was deep into a sixty-nine, his head lapping the pussy of some bitch, who was in the process of devouring his cock.

"Sarah" he said, as he pulled his mouth away from that cunt. "I didn't expect to see you."

"How could you do this Jacques, how could you cheat on me?" I cried as the woman scampered out of bed and ran to the bathroom.

"Cheat on you Sarah, come on now, we aren't even married."

"But Jacques, what about us?"

"What do you mean, us? I never told you that you were my only woman, after all Sarah, lots of women like my company. We had fun, you got what you wanted. Its just too bad that your husband came home. I'd love to get together with you again, but Thursday is filled in, let me check my schedule and I'll get back to you."

I stood there with my mouth open, as he went on, "If you want to get together, give me a shout. Now if you don't mind, I am entertaining a guest, so please leave."

I was devastated, only know understanding what Jacques truly felt about me, about our relationship. For him, I was just another conquest, another notch on his belt. But for him, I had destroyed my marriage and the man I loved!

For the next hour or two, I just walked around, kind of zombie like. I thought I had the best of both worlds, but now, I had nothing. Jacques, it appears, had never been faithful to me. And Bill, could I really blame him if he was having sex with the girl I saw him with. Me, I had nothing, no Bill, no Jacques, and only limited time with my child.

It was only then, as the hurt and pain washed over me that the reality of what I'd done set in, of what I had done to Bill, our marriage, our love. Only now did I understand the hurt that Bill felt when the clues added up to me cheating. And the shock and disgust he must of felt when he first saw the pictures of me and Jacques, and then the ultimate horror of finding me getting fucked in our own bed.

Its funny, until now I had accepted the fact that Bill had some right to be angry, and that I was the guilty one. But until I experienced the hurt and pain myself, I had never truly understood the pain Bill had undergone, the pain I saw on his face and heard in his voice. Now I understood how wrong I had been!!

It was at that moment that I understood how much Bill had loved me, and how much I had loved him. I realized that with what I had done, it was unlikely he would forgive me. But I knew that I had to tell him I now understood how I had destroyed him and us.

As part of my visitation rights, I usually went to the house to pick up our daughter. It had been rough on her but she clearly still loved me. Fortunately Bill was cordial, if brief, when I came to pick her up and return her, and unlike many other fathers in a similar position, had resisted the temptation to bad mouth me to her.

That Friday evening when I went to pick her up, I told Bill that I would like to speak with him when I returned her on Sunday evening. Somewhat quietly, he agreed to talk.

That weekend, I told my daughter that she shouldn't be mad at daddy because we weren't living together, but it was mommy who had done something that hurt daddy badly. I don't know if she understood in detail, but at least she showed me she still loved me.

When we got back to the house on Sunday evening, we told her to go take her bath, as we needed to talk. Bill invited me into the living room, where he sat across the room from me.

"Bill, it's only know that I truly understand what I have done to you. You may not believe it, but I never intended to hurt you, to get involved and to destroy us." I explained how I never understood the depth of his hurt until I saw him the other night coming out of the restaurant, and how in my hurt I had decided to go and see Jacques again, and what I had walked into. I explained that the hurt I felt was incredible, though far greater when I had seen Bill. It was only after that I realized the enormity of the hurt that I had caused him.

He surprised me a bit when he told me the woman I'd seen was a business associate from out of town, a woman whose name I recognized when he said it. Had things not happened as they had, I would have been there with him that night, just as he had gone out with her and her husband when at meetings in their city. He told me that I was right, the hurt was unbelievable, but even so, he knew that it would be a long time until he could get together with another woman.

For the first time, we actually discussed what had happened. I tried to explain that I really didn't know why it happened, that I hadn't been looking for it, but somehow I had become intoxicated by Jacques, and how I apparently wasn't the only one. Bill told me that he knew from the investigators report that Jacques had been involved with at least three or four other married women while our affair had been going on.

Bill asked me if it was because I was dissatisfied with his performance. I hope he believed me when I told him that it had nothing to do with it, and that Bill was every bit as good a lover as Jacques. I explained how looking back, I had become addicted to Jacques, the way he talked, the way he convinced me how special I was, his voice, the accent. It was almost as I couldn't control myself I told Bill.

I told him that one thing that I did regret about our own sexual life, was the fact that I had denied him any access to my ass. I told him I didn't intend to let Jacques fuck me there, for if anyone was going to do it, it should have been Bill. I acknowledged that after I had done it the first time, I tried to think of how I could encourage Bill to try, but afraid that doing so would expose me.