Breaking Up and Making Up

Peta nodded, 'Yes, I remember the same feelings, but you are such a natural, Danni. We're all the same here and I am so looking forward to working closely with you.' She gave Danny's arm a gentle squeeze.

'Oh, me too, Peta. And thanks again for the chance to work here, I am so grateful.'

Peta smiled and looked straight into his eyes, 'I'm sure we can find a way for you to show your gratitude.'

Danny blinked, was Peta now hitting on him? Or was it simply his over heated imagination playing tricks with him? He was so confused, why had life got so complicated so quickly?

Peta clinked a knife against her glass to get everyone's attention. When the noise had died down she began to speak, 'Hi, everyone, thanks for coming out to meet with us tonight. We appreciate the efforts you have all made on the charity's behalf and I hope the members of the media here will get to meet as many of our people as possible. Oh, and on the subject of coming out, I would like to welcome the newest member of our team, our designer, Danni Albright. Danni here has just begun her transition, and she's here with her partner Carl.'

There was a good round of applause and some whistles, but Danny didn't hear any of it as he was about to pass out with shock. Carl saw Danny wobbling and grabbed him around the waist to stop him toppling over as a press photographer snapped a picture of them both.

'Danny are you OK?' whispered Carl.

'Fuck, fuck, fuck,' said Danny, aghast at what Peta had said. 'I need to go home, Carl, let's get out of here.'

'Ok, let's say our goodbyes first.'

Carl whisked Danny round the people they had met and finally bumped into Peta. Carl sad, 'I think we should get home, Danni is feeling a little the worse for wear, all the new people she's met, I think she's had enough for tonight.'

'Ok, I understand, Danni, I'll be in touch Monday to start the ball rolling.' Danny nodded, wishing he was on the opposite side of the world at this moment. Peta hugged him and gave him a kiss on the lips,

'Goodnight Danni.'

'G'night Peta.' was all Danny could manage.

Danny almost ran out of the bar and when Carl caught him up a few steps outside, he could see Danny was crying. Carl's heart ached as he saw his friend in tears and he instinctively wrapped his arms around Danny and pulled him close to his chest. Danny still sobbed and Carl stroked his back to comfort him.

'Danny, what's the matter?'

Danny snivelled, 'What's the matter? Peta's just announced to the world that I'm transitioning and you're my partner. Apart from that, nothing's the matter.' Danny started to cry again, and Carl hugged him tighter.

'Danny, don't worry, there's no harm done.'

Danny looked up at Carl, his eyes red with tears, 'But, you'll be dragged into it as well. Can't you see that?'

Carl shook his head, 'I don't care.'

'How can you say that?'

Carl could bear it no longer, he bent his head forward and kissed Danny. It took a few seconds before Danny realised what had happened, but he felt himself begin to kiss back. Then, something went off in his mind and he pulled back, looked up at Carl and said, 'No, no.' He broke out of Carl's arms and ran off as fast as he could in his heels.

Carl slumped back against the wall, 'Shit, Shit, shit. How could you be so stupid?' he muttered, banging his head back against the wall. 'Danny, I'm sorry,' he called, but Danny had turned the corner by now. Carl followed round the corner only to see him getting into a cab further up the road which disappeared into the night.

Carl had no idea what to do, so he walked into the nearest pub and ordered a large brandy. It burnt his throat as he downed it and he thought he probably deserved that. A second one didn't improve his mood, and Carl decided he had better get home before he ended up sleeping on a park bench. He hailed a cruising taxi and within half an hour the cab pulled up outside the apartment. There were no lights on in his flat, but it seemed as if the girls were up as their lights were still on. He knocked on Danny's bedroom door but there was no answer, and it looked as if Danny had not been back. Pouring himself another brandy he slumped onto the sofa.

He leant back, closed his eyes and all he could see were Danny's eyes looking up at him. Fuck, what have I done? Right when my friend needed some comfort I do something stupid like that. He felt like throwing up. The bell rang, and he thought Danny has a key, so who the hell is this? He looked through the peephole to see Siobhan standing there. Shit, what does she want? Hasn't she caused enough trouble?

He thought about not answering, but she pressed the bell again and he reluctantly opened the door.

'Yes, what?' he said, not wanting to let her in. She took one look at his face and said, 'I don't care what you feel about me right now, but there is somebody you need to talk to.' She moved aside and Danny appeared from where he had been out of sight around the corner. It looked as if he had been crying again, and he looked about as miserable as a human being could be.

Siobhan pushed Danny through the door and said, 'You two, talk to each other, now.'

She closed the door leaving them looking at each other.

'I'm sorry,' both of them said at the same time. It broke the tension and Carl said, 'You want a drink?'

Danny nodded, 'Yes please. ' Carl poured two large brandies and took them through to where Danny sat on one of the sofas. Even though Danny had been crying, Carl thought he still looked wonderful. Carl sat on the other sofa and neither of them spoke for a while. Danny broke it first.

'I'm sorry for running away, but I was so upset, I didn't know what to do.'

'You have nothing to be sorry for Danny, it was my fault, I shouldn't have done that.'

Danny nodded, 'Why did you do it?'

'Can't we just forget it? Please? Can't we still be friends?'

Danny shook his head, 'No, I need to know, Carl. It's important.'

Carl looked away, tears beginning to prick the corners of his eyes. He knew Danny wouldn't let it go now. He owed Danny the truth, even if it ruined their friendship. He blew out his cheeks, 'Danny, I'm bi-sexual, I like to be with men and women.'

'Carl, I know what bi-sexual means, why didn't you tell me?'

Carl looked at him, 'Not the kind of thing you drop into a casual conversation is it? Do you want a coffee, and by the way you should know I go both ways.'

Danny looked away, 'No, I guess not. Is that why you split up with Simone?'

'Is that what Siobhan told you?'

'No, she didn't say anything, just that we needed to talk to each other.'

'Oh. Well, yes it was. She found out only because she found my browsing history one day and confronted me. I hadn't done anything while we were together, except for looking at porn sites, but she didn't believe me. I had a couple of affairs with men before I met her, but that nothing more. She couldn't accept it. Siobhan and Julia knew all about it, they had met one of the guys before I hooked up with Simone.'

Danny nodded, some of what the girls had hinted at the first night he met them now began to make sense.

'So, do you fancy me, Carl?'

Carl winced at the way he said it. 'Honestly, not at first, we seemed to click as friends and I liked it that way. We seemed to complement each other, and it felt good to have you as a friend. I guess there's no point in denying it now, but I did become more attracted to you, not that I was going to anything about it. I didn't want to ruin our friendship.'

'So, what changed?'

'Do we have to go through this, Danny, Can't we drop it?'

Danny pressed on, 'So, what changed, Carl?'

Carl heaved a sigh, 'When I saw you at the fashion show, when Siobhan had made you up, I couldn't get you out of my mind. You were so pretty, and I liked the way it made you look. Then, when I came home early and you and Siobhan walked in, you shocked me certainly, but I couldn't get over how you looked. I thought you were so sweet and a little vulnerable, which always gets me. It engages my protective instinct. When the idea of going with you to the party came up, I jumped at it and when I saw you earlier tonight, well, you blew me away. You were, I mean, you are, gorgeous.'

Two pink spots appeared on Danny's cheeks and he looked away.

'When you ran out of the bar and I found you crying, all I wanted to do was look after you. When you looked up at me, all I could think of was kissing you. So I did. I'm sorry, please forgive me, it was inexcusable.'

A long pause followed as both of them took sips of their drinks.

'Carl, thank you for being so honest. It means a lot to me. I enjoyed being your friend, it meant a lot to me.'

Carl thought, he's now going to tell me he wants to move out, I've fucked it all up.

'This whole thing has been so confusing for me. I mean, I've always thought of myself as straight, but that first night with the girls was an eye opener. Ever since I told that story about me being Juliet and Siobhan going on about helping me to do it again, it has been on my mind all the time. I couldn't get that image of me as Juliet out of my head. I kept thinking of how great it had made me feel. When we went to the show, the models knocked me sideways. How could boys look so much like beautiful girls? Siobhan just pushed me a little further along each time, and I thought it would be a joke to let her make me up.'

He paused to sip his drink again.

'But when I saw what she had done to me in the mirror, I couldn't believe it. She had made me look like a girl, and I loved it. It touched something in me that I must have buried. Even then, I tried to shove it away. But, when the job offer came up, Siobhan pushed me a little further with this crazy idea that I could pass as a woman, or at least someone beginning to transition. She nudged me every time to go that bit further, and you know, I didn't pushing back, in fact I willingly went along with her. I realised it made me feel so good. I felt so different when I was dressed.' His eyes were glistening as he spoke. 'It allowed a different, and much nicer, me to emerge. I know I should have told her to stop, and I thought of doing it dozens of times, but I couldn't. I felt so good that I wanted it to go on and on.'

Another sip of brandy.

'It terrified me when I went up for the job, but it seemed to go well, which made me want to go even further. Something had changed in me. As Danni with an i, I felt so much calmer and happy than Danny with y. I didn't know why, it just felt right. It was no longer about the job, it was about me and a journey I was embarking on. But, when you caught me that afternoon I wanted to chuck it all in. I thought you would want to throw me out for being a freak, but you were so calm and nice about it. It floored me when you offered to go with me. You accepted me as I was, and that meant so much to me.'

Danny took a deep breath, he knew this next bit would be difficult.

'I also knew that I was getting attracted to you. I didn't know why, but I kept thinking about you, how attractive you were, how much I liked being with you. Yet I also didn't want to spoil our friendship. Above all, I wanted to impress you and for you to be proud of me when we went to the party, so I agreed to all the plans the girls had for me. Siobhan called in a favour from a hairdresser, they whisked me off to a local salon to get waxed, my eyebrows done, my nails varnished, and I loved every minute of it. Siobhan spent ages on my make up. Julia lent me this dress, and I felt so complete as I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt pretty and feminine and knew that's how I wanted to be. So, when I came downstairs and saw the look on your face, I knew I looked special. It felt like I was floating on air because of the way you looked at me. It felt so nice when you looked after me at the party, I felt safe and secure in a way that made me want it to go on and on. Your touch on my back me reassured me when I needed it, and when you put your arm around me I went weak at the knees. I knew then I had found who I wanted to be.'

Carl opened his mouth to say something but Danny held his hand up.

'Let me finish please, Carl. I was also terribly scared by my feelings, both about myself and about you. To say I was confused is the understatement of the century. It spooked me when Peta said what she did, and I totally lost it. Then when you kissed me, it tipped me right over the top. I had to get away, and that's why I ran. I'm sorry.'

'God, you have nothing to be sorry about, Danny. I feel terrible, I should never have done what I did.'

Danny paused to dab his eye and then went on. 'I ended up by knocking on the girls' door and they let me in and I blurted out everything to them. I'm sorry but I didn't have anyone else to talk to. They were great, just listened and didn't preach, told me that I had to tell you what I felt, that you would understand. I didn't know then what they meant. I thought you would hate me. Then Siobhan grabbed my hand and dragged me downstairs.'

Danny looked away and then back at Carl.

'Here's the funny thing, Carl. What freaked me out tonight wasn't that you kissed me, but that I enjoyed it. I wanted to kiss you back and for you to keep kissing me. That scared me more than anything because I didn't understand what was happening then, but I do now.'

Carl stared at him, holding his breath, not daring to hope.

Danny looked at Carl and said, 'Would it be OK if I asked you to kiss me again?'

Carl finally let out his breath. 'Danny, are you sure about this?'

'Carl, please don't say no, I might not be able to cope with it if you do.'

'Danny, there's nothing on this earth that would stop me if you want me to.'

Danny blushed, lowered his eyes and said, 'Yes, I do.'

Carl moved across to the other sofa and sat next to Danny. He took Danny's hand and with his other hand gently brought Danny's face up to face him. Carl looked into those blue eyes and he knew he had fallen in love with Danny. He bent forward and their lips touched, gently at first, and then with increasing urgency.

Danny put his hand behind Carl's head and pulled him harder onto his lips as Carl's tongue found his. Carl put his arm around Danny as they kissed, their lips mashing together. Danny slipped backwards bringing Carl down on top of him. His arms went around Carl and clasped him tight.

Their tongues were duelling fiercely now as Danny felt something hard poking into his groin. With a shock he realised it was Carl's erection and he thought, this is it, I'm kissing a man. Something Siobhan had said flashed into his mind, this feels nice. He heard himself moan, and somewhere inside him a dam broke, and he knew this was what he wanted, maybe had always wanted, and would want time and time again.

*

If you have got this far, thank you and I hope you enjoyed the story. Please let me know what you think. For non UK readers, a gooner is slang for a fan of Arsenal football club.