Brownwood: Tommy Boy Ch. 02

"All right," she replied gently. "I won't pry... too much."

We talked for a while before we both fell silent again.

"You know I was serious," she said softly.

"I know." I sighed. "That's the problem."

"Wow, I can't remember having such an unenthusiastic response to one of my lap dances."

"Sorry, it certainly isn't you."

"Then what?" she said, sitting up and peering at me intently.

"Angie, please," I said, struggling with my thoughts.

"Tommy Boy, talk to me. Don't shut me out. We're better friends than that."

"That's the problem, Angie. We're friends."

I stared at her, hoping she'd leave it alone. She didn't.

"So what exactly is the problem?"

"Dammit, Angie," I said softly. "You're the sexiest, most beautiful woman I've ever met and the idea of you giving me a lap dance makes me hyperventilate, but you need to realize something. The only reason I've been able to flirt and tease with you is because you've made it clear we're just friends. I accept that, but if you were to ever really turn your charm on towards me for real... I'd be lost. It would blur the lines for me and I'm not sure how I would react. I could easily embarrass both of us."

"Tommy Boy, I've complete faith in you. You are a great guy and a great friend. I know that I'd be..."

"Stop right there, Angie," I growled. "You say the word SAFE and I swear I'll puke all over your living room.

"Okay," she said with a sad smile, "I kind of understand, but you need to know why I even suggested such a thing to you.

"First off, I wanted to give you something very special, something I haven't given to anyone in a very long time. I'm not a whore, but I wanted to give you something personal, something very sexual without actually having sex. I know you desire me. I won't tell you it's not flattering, because it is. Tommy Boy, I'm more than a little bit of an exhibitionist. You can't strip and shake your ass for strangers and not have some of that in you.

"And let's be real," she said lifting her large breasts up, "I didn't get these so I'd go unnoticed by guys!"

"What about Daniel?"

She sat back and sighed.

"Daniel was exactly what I needed back then. He was perfect. He was kind and gentle. I knew he was trying to get me into bed, but he cared for me enough to keep our affairs out of the public spotlight. The fact he's handsome and very good in bed certainly helped as well. In many ways he is, was, like you, Tommy Boy. He was safe.

"I knew he loved me, well as much as he was capable of love. I wasn't under any illusions. Daniel Pickering is a pussyhound and a political animal. His only true love is himself and being in front of a camera. He's a true attention-whore. Since I knew what I was dealing with, I was comfortable with our friends-with-benefits arrangement.

"But you need to understand, Tommy Boy, I never had to try to seduce him or tease him. Those were lost on him. He needed to always be in control or it became a power play or a game. That's not what I have with you. You allow me to be in control most of the time. You look out for me and more importantly, for Erica.

"I never let Daniel around Erica. I didn't trust him that far. I didn't want to confuse the situation either. I do trust you.

"Tommy Boy, you are an honorable man. I know you're just a man, but you're a good one. You don't want to hear it, but it's what makes you so special. A girl can be herself around you without always having to hide every emotion or every thought which wouldn't be considered appropriate. With you, a woman can be herself. That's very freeing and very desirable. Unfortunately, it also allows a woman's worst to come out as well... like your ex-wife's.

"I understand a lap dance may be too much, but a strip tease where you can look but not touch might be possible. As long as you agree to the same rules found in most strip joints, I know I can make the night memorable. Listen, I know with you, I can play a little with my exhibitionist side. If something ever were to happen, all I have to say is stop and I know you will. It might be difficult, but Tommy Boy, I know you'd never hurt me. That's something very special to me and I'd like to try and return the favor."

I sat there struggling to gather my thoughts.

"So what do you think?" she said softly.

"I think a hundred pounds is going to be a bitch to make." I sighed. "I also think I'd be a world-class dumb-ass to turn down the chance of seeing you strip."

She beamed like a little girl who got her way and we laughed.

"This might be a very bad idea," I mumbled.

****

The holidays can be an interesting time. Seeing all the lights and festivities can either breathe hope and excitement into someone or make them acutely aware of what's missing in their lives. For me, it was a mixed bag. I'd always enjoyed the romance and promise of family when I was with Leah.

The first holiday I went through without her was during the divorce. Last year, the shock had worn off and I was extremely aware I was divorced. It was painful being alone, so I went home to Wisconsin and spent what little vacation I had with my family.

This year I'd decided to forgo travelling and I let some of my crew off for the holidays. Armand had left to be with family back in New York City and Jonas took a week off to be with his family down in the City. That left me watching the sheep; excuse me, networks, we monitored and maintained.

It wasn't terrible, but I found myself thinking about Angie and Erica all the time. Reluctantly, Angie had gone back to Dallas for Christmas. I could tell whatever happened in the past still made her hesitant to go home. I guess I was expecting her to open up and tell me about it, but she hadn't. I'd hoped she'd confide in me since I was her friend. Of course, I wanted more. The Christmas Ball and our conversation after the children's Christmas party was still in my mind, okay, and in my dreams as well.

I found myself missing them. I wondered what they were doing and if they were okay. All right, I'm not stupid. I knew I was falling in love. I already loved the little munchkin, but I was sliding down the unenviable slope of falling for a fantasy. Besides being a romantic fool, I'm also a realist, and knew I was the one who was going to get hurt by all this.

I knew being her friend was the best I could ever hope for, but maybe friends with benefits wasn't too much of a fantasy. I thought I could live with it since it would allow me to be a big part of their lives. Since she'd offered me a lap dance as motivation, I figured she didn't find me too repulsive. That motivation, by the way, was working overtime, since I was working out at least five times a week to keep the holiday pounds away. It made the time away from the Myles girls more bearable until I could see them New Year's Eve.

There was one surprise during the holidays. It occurred a couple days before Christmas. Leah called and asked if she could come over. I hesitated until she said she only wanted to apologize for the Christmas Ball and wouldn't stay long. Maybe it was the holiday spirit or maybe I drank some bad eggnog, but I agreed.

When I opened the door, I was taken aback. Leah had obviously made herself up to show off her strengths and to hide her weaknesses. Even with the added weight, she still looked good. I felt stirrings in both my heart and my groin. My dick's response didn't surprise me, since I'd always found her sexy, but realizing I still had some old feelings for my ex-wife buried somewhere in my heart was disconcerting.

"Thank you for meeting with me, Tommy Boy," she said gently. "Our last meeting didn't go very well."

"Sorry, you surprised me."

"I know and I'm sorry. There were some things I'd wanted to say but we didn't get off on the right foot."

"Leah," I said calmly. "We didn't end on a good note, so what made you think we'd start off on one?"

She didn't say anything, so I stepped out of the doorway and let her in. She gave me an unsure smile as she looked around the apartment. There were still several things from our old apartment which I hadn't gotten around to replacing.

"Some of this looks familiar," she said softly.

"Well, I couldn't afford to replace all of it at first. By the time I could, I figured it would be money better spent putting down on a house or new furnishings."

"Still holding on to the dream of owning a house?" she asked with a touch of sadness.

"Of course," I said coldly. "You didn't steal all my dreams."

I could see the pain on her face as she gathered her composure.

"I am so very sorry for that, Tommy Boy. More than you'll ever know.

"All right, Leah." I sighed. "What do you want?"

"It's the holidays and I wanted to clear the air between us."

"It's been two years since the divorce, so clearing the air is pretty irrelevant. I've been working on moving on with my life and you... well, you'd moved on before we even filed for divorce."

"Yes, I know. I acted like a bitch back then. I wish I could change that, but I can't. I also know you've moved on as well. I heard about your run-in with Susie and the young woman you were with. And then, of course, there was the beautiful blonde that was on your arm at the Ball.

"So?"

Leah sighed.

"It didn't turn out that way, but I was trying to give you a compliment. I wanted to tell you that you were looking very handsome and I was more than a little jealous of your date."

There were several snide comments which came to mind, but I held my tongue.

"Your comments were cold, not that I didn't deserve them, but they were still cruel. To let you know, I haven't been out with Susie in over a year."

"What, trouble in paradise?"

Leah's face dropped.

"Yes," she said softly, "you could say that. It'd be more accurate to say I finally pulled my head out of my big ass."

Again I surprised myself by not saying anything. Even more shocking was my thought that Angie would be proud of me. Before I could begin self-analyzing those thoughts, Leah continued.

"Tommy Boy, I'm sorry. I can't tell you how much I regret letting myself get led away from you and ruining our marriage. I know it wasn't perfect, but at least you were trying, while I... I just quit. I got caught up in Susie's world and followed her down that path. It took some hard knocks to bring me back to my senses."

"Leah, I don't want to hear about your wild sex life."

Okay, so I couldn't help myself. It was a cheap comment, but what the hell; she deserved it.

"What? NO! That's not what I meant! I was talking about something that made me wake up and see what I'd become!"

"We're divorced. You don't have to tell me—"

"I'm sorry, but I believe I do. Of all the people my selfishness hurt, I caused you the most pain. Actually, as bad as I may've hurt you, it was me my actions damaged the most, even if I didn't realize it back then.

"I need to tell you that you were right, right about a lot of things. You were right about what my friendship with Susie was doing to me, to us, and our marriage. I wish I would've seen it back then.

"You didn't go blindly, Leah. You knew what was happening and where it was leading."

"Yes, you're right. I followed her with my eyes open. For a short time, I was wrapped up in the thrill of the lifestyle, but it didn't last long. I kept getting deeper and deeper until it all came crashing down about six months after our divorce was final. After one horrible weekend my fantasy world crumbled.

"You remember Theo Hawthorne, my date at the Christmas Ball?"

I nodded.

"Susie had begun dating his older cousin, Bryce Hawthorne. They were at the Christmas Ball together. I'm sure you saw them."

She read my reaction.

"Yes, he's about twenty years older than her. He's also the proprietor out at the Four Seasons Lodge, and rich. Needless to say, Susie thinks she's found a sugar daddy; but this sugar daddy has a vicious sweet tooth. He's really into the swinger scene, which isn't bad, but he's also into some other, much darker scenes as well.

"One of those areas is, he convinced Susie to be the entertainment for a group of his friends from time to time. She tried to get me to join her for one of those weekends.

"I'll forever be ashamed I let her talk me into it once. After two days of doing things I would've never imagined I'd ever do, I looked at myself in the mirror. What I saw disgusted me. I saw a woman who'd chased after the sexual thrill of being used, at the cost of the things she once held dear. I was devastated. Not only had I thrown away my marriage, but I'd lost all my self-respect as well.

"I can't tell you how embarrassed and ashamed I was when I started talking to my family and those of our friends who would still talk to me. They all let me know what they thought and reminded me of how badly I'd treated you. I know it's far too late, but I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did this to us. I'm sorry I destroyed our dreams together. You may not want to hear this, but I still care very much for you."

"So what about Theo?" I said in a voice calmer than I really was.

Leah smiled weakly.

"Theo and I started dating shortly after that weekend. I was a mess and he'd heard about the orgy from Bryce. He checked on me a couple of times to make sure I was all right. Even though he's about ten years older than me, he's no sugar daddy. We've been dating off and on for about a year, but nothing exclusive."

Leah snorted a disgusted laugh and continued.

"Theo and his firm own the City Lights and the Strobe. It's hard to be exclusive with someone who continuously has girls throwing their drunken tits at them."

"Yeah," I said, "damn difficult to have a committed relationship with someone who's open to a little strange on the side from time to time."

Leah's face sank and she looked like she was about to cry.

"Don't think I don't see the irony in this," she said weakly. "Right now I'm simply trying to put the pieces of my life back together. I know what I did and what I lost. Tommy Boy, I'm afraid I'll always love you. I know we'll never be together again, but I wanted you to know."

"Well, thank you for your apology, and you're right; we'll never be together again. Although it shouldn't surprise you, since it was you who tried to destroy me. You threw me and the love I had for you away like it was trash. So no, we'll never be a couple again. Actually the thought of ever getting back together with you makes me want to puke!

"Besides," I said calming myself, "I'm finally starting to move on and seem to be doing alright."

"Is it that beautiful blonde you were with at the Ball?"

"Angie?" I chuckled. "No, we're only friends."

"Friends with benefits?"

I glared at my ex-wife.

"None of your damn business."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's only after seeing that kiss she gave you and with her giving you her little thong... I'm sorry, Tommy Boy, but I could never compete with someone like her. Even Susie would've been..."

"You're wrong," I interrupted, "neither one of you could ever compare with Angie and it's not because she's so damn gorgeous. It's because she has something neither of you have, character. She's no saint, but she'd never betray someone she claimed to love like that. She'd divorce his ass before she'd ever cheat on him.

"Even with that, Leah, even before you tore my heart out, you could've more than competed with someone like Angie. Hell, you would've won every time."

"Yeah, right," Leah snorted.

"Leah, until I met Angie, most people would've said Susie was the hottest woman I'd ever known. They would've been wrong. From the moment you told me you loved me, no one could've compared to you. I never once made a pass or flirted with Susie after we became a couple. You were the sexiest and most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. At least in my eyes you were.

"But you," I growled, "were always more worried about what others thought than the guy who loved and married you. You let some skanky slut tell you our love wasn't worth fighting for, that it was your right to step out and get a little on the side. Regardless of whatever shit she or anyone else was putting in your head, in the end it was you who gave up on us.

"It was you and your supposed love for me that wasn't strong enough to keep you from lying and cheating on me. That's the same love which caused you to give up and go find some strange without ever fighting for our marriage. It was your love that wouldn't protect us, protect me.

"So you telling me you still love me doesn't mean shit," I said, trying to calm and control my breathing. "Your kind of love I can do without."

"I know," she whispered with tears streaming down her face.

"I guess I'm sorry," I continued, "but I'm not really sure what you expected or hoped for with this visit. I'd wish you a good life, but it would be a lie. My Christmas wish is I hope not to ever think of you again. Thankfully, I'm getting there. As for Susie, I hope that nasty bitch dies of AIDS or some other horrible disease."

Leah stood up and quietly walked to the door. She opened it and stopped. Even though she wasn't facing me, I could see her shoulders shake as she sobbed.

"I'm sorry, Tommy Boy. I know it doesn't mean much now, but I truly am. I hope you find someone who'll love you like you once loved me."

I started to say something, but the only thing I could think of was "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holiday" and those seemed pretty hypocritical. Silently I watched my ex-wife leave.

Maybe it was my guilt over how I acted with Leah, or maybe I was missing Angie and Erica so much but I ended up in a Santa suit back at Sacred Heart on Christmas Day. With all the confusing emotions swirling around in my head I needed a dose of reality and I got it.

There's something about being around others who are having a tougher time of it to give you some perspective on your own problems. Seeing some of the things these kids and their families were going through made my issues seem small. It didn't mean the frustration, bitterness, and pain surrounding my divorce wasn't important; it simply put it in perspective. It wasn't as overwhelming.

My feelings for Angie and Erica were also exposed. If I didn't get to have the kind of relationship with them that I wanted, it wouldn't devastate me. It would be disappointing and would hurt, but I'd survive. Watching a little girl waiting for a kidney transplant or looking into the eyes of a father whose little boy has cancer will do that to you.

It was with that... serenity... that I welcomed Angie and Erica back to Brownwood on New Year's Eve. Unfortunately, my serenity only lasted until midnight.

Angie had returned from Dallas stressed and upset, but had begun to relax as the night went on. We'd gathered at Mrs. Harper's home just down the block from Angie's house. There were several people from the neighborhood whom Angie considered friends, as well as neighbors. Surprisingly, there wasn't anyone from the gym. Angie seemed to keep her personal and professional lives very separate.

I was surprised to see Erica still awake as midnight approached until Angie let me in on Erica's secret. She said Erica had gladly taken a longer nap that afternoon so she could bring in the New Year with me. As we started the countdown, Erica made sure I was holding her. At midnight we all yelled out together.

"Happy New Year!"

Erica leaned over and kissed her momma and then kissed me on the cheek.

"Now you gotta kiss me!" she said, giggling.

I made a big production of kissing her on her forehead as she squealed.

"Now you gotta kiss Momma!"

"I don't know, Goldilocks," I said, laughing. "You never know what could happen when a princess kisses an ogre!"