Built Upon Sand

"For the reason I have already given, my husband's pride. Nothing was allowed to indicate that there was something wrong with him."

I sat trying to digest this information while Amrah went on.

"I set out to try and give him what he wanted, even if I had to do it by deception and lying. That means I must be an evil woman, but...try to understand..."

She stopped speaking for a few moments. She was still looking at me intently, as if measuring my reaction to her words. I thought I saw tears in her eyes as she picked up the thread again.

"I want to be fair about my husband. He gave me much, perhaps too much. It was good to be the wife of a rich man, and he let me do much as I wished for as long as he could hope to have a son with me. I had grown used to living that life and the thought of losing it all drove me to despair until I thought of my plan."

"The plan that included me, the sperm bank?"

"Yes, if you must speak of it like that. If I became pregnant with someone who nearly resembled my husband then he would not suspect that the child was not his."

"And did we succeed?" I asked bitterly.

"Yes, we did, we succeeded, but it was success of the wrong sort."

"How wrong? He was getting what he wanted and so were you. I was only the bunny who fell for it and lost out."

"'Bunny'...what is bunny?"

"Idiot, fool, half wit, moron."

"No, he did not get what he wanted, and in the end neither did I. Perhaps it was punishment for my lies and deception."

"But for God's sake, Amrah, you gave him a child, even if it wasn't his, surely..."

"Are you really such a...a bunny, Tony. You saw her, a girl, and that was a bitter disappointment to him."

"So what happened?"

"At first he said that if he could impregnate me once he could do it again and next time it would be a boy."

"No guarantee of that," I said.

"No, but in any case I knew he could not impregnate me."

"Then why didn't you play the same game again, it should have come easier the second time, like murder."

Now the tears really did begin to flow, but I was determined not to be moved by them.

"Do you think after what happened between us, the pain that we gave each other, I could do the same thing again; after all that hurt and deception?"

"So I fell in love with you, surely that shouldn't bother someone whose aim was simply to hang on to a rich husband."

"That is a most hurtful for you to say, Tony, and it is even more hurtful because it is true. But I do not lie when I say I fell in love with you. I did not mean it to be so when we started. I thought, 'This young man will enjoy my body and I will enjoy his,' what I did not expect was that you would fall in love with me and me with you. That was a disaster Tony, and when I said goodbye to you at the airport my heart was breaking, but I loved you so much I had to let you go."

"Why...why did you have to let me go, because of the money?"

"Yes, I have already admitted that, do not shame me further. But it was not only the money. You had your life...your career...before my coming into your life...and I might have damaged, even destroyed that."

"But I..."

"No, I shall soon be finished Tony, hear me."

I shut up.

"I told you that my husband is rich and powerful; he has many people whom he calls 'friends' who would do whatever he asked if he paid them enough. If he knew I had deceived him with you and gone to be with you, he would never have given up searching for us, and when he found us who knows what he would have done."

She stopped speaking as if she had ended her story. I wasn't sure how much of it to believe, and in any case I didn't think it was complete.

"So you had a daughter and failed to produce a son, so what happened."

She managed the pale shadow of a laugh.

"You yourself remarked that this is not a penthouse suite, and as you can also see, this is not the Imperial Hotel."

She interrupted herself for a moment and asked, "Are you staying in this hotel?"

"Yes."

"Then I see you are richer than when we first met, and I am poorer."

Even I managed a laugh at that. "I'm certainly not rich but at least I'm earning a decent salary."

"And I am not really poor, but I am poorer than I once was," she said.

"Are you going to finish the story and tell me what happened?"

"Is it not clear Tony? When he saw I could not give him the son he desired, - I use his words – he 'paid me off'."

I seemed to have the habit of just blurting things out without thinking when with Amrah, and it happened now. I said, "You're beauty couldn't hold him?"

"So despite all my evil you still think me beautiful Tony? You say to yourself, 'If she was mine I would never let her go.' That is a most lovely thought."

"Well I..."

"Did I not say to you once that you can buy beauty and obedience but you cannot buy love?"

"Yes....yes you did."

"You think me beautiful, but I am not the only beautiful woman in the world. There are many women more beautiful than I; you see I am not completely vain. My husband – or my husband who was – can buy himself another beautiful woman; one he hopes will give him the son he wants. That is very sad, is it not, for he will never have the son he so much desires, whichever woman he has?"

"You say love cannot be bought, but did you never love him?"

"Perhaps to begin with, but I often wonder if it was only gratitude for the gifts he showered upon me. That was a thought that first came to me when I fell in love with you, Tony."

I was feeling a trifle softened and more inclined to believe her, but her mention of "love" again in relation to me brought a knee jerk reaction.

"Don't talk about loving me, Amrah, it hurts too much; it's too hypocritical."

She struck back; not viciously or noisily, but very quietly. "Perhaps your hurt is punishment for agreeing to fu...what did you call it?"

"Make love," I growled.

"Yes, make love with a woman you knew to be married."

"But you asked me to..."

"Yes, I have confessed all that Tony, but would you want me to bear all the blame. Surely you can carry a little of it for me, even if only for the sake of the love you once had for me?"

I felt ashamed. I had seen it only from the side of my pain and loss, never considering that I might share in the blame and guilt.

Suddenly a sensation like an electric shock seemed to jolt my brain. I had been so focused on myself and Amrah's story there was one aspect the full implication of which I had not given a thought to.

"The little girl, she's mine...ours, isn't she?"

"Yes Tony, she is ours. She is the one consolation that has come from this sad business."

"And if I hadn't met you tonight, by pure chance, I would never have known."

She paused for a long time before saying, "Perhaps it was not pure chance, or perhaps it was, but you are right, I would never have sought you out to tell you of her existence."

"But why?"

"I thought that you would be so angry with my lies and deception you would not want to know, but now, when we have met and you have seen..." She shrugged and looked away.

"Of course I would have wanted to know about her."

"Why would you want to know?"

"Isn't that obvious?"

"No Tony, it is not obvious so you must tell me."

"Well...er...she's my daughter as well as yours."

"That is true, Tony, but many men do not want to know of the children they have made."

"Well, I'm not one of them."

"Is it that you wish to know your daughter?"

"Yes, of course it is."

"Then it must be done slowly and carefully, and you will not swear and shout in her presence so that you frighten her; you frightened her in the restaurant."

"Yes, I'm sorry, I really am."

"You are staying long here?"

"Five days...well, only four now."

"We shall be here for two weeks and then we return to the city. If it is your wish then tomorrow we shall walk together, the three of us, but you must be very gentle with her, she has already seen too much anger."

"Your husband?"

"Yes, he is always angry when he does not get his own way. But you have not asked her name."

"What is it?"

"I named her in memory of something very beautiful."

"What."

"Toni; you see, I chose the feminine equivalent of your name."

That really got under my guard and the tears came.

Amrah, sounding distressed, said, "Do not cry Tony, I thought you would be pleased. I promise you that when you look at her tomorrow you will see how lovely she is and I am sure you will like her."

"She takes after her mother then?"

"Always you imply that I am beautiful, even after I hurt you so much, but I think perhaps it is that a child conceived in love is always beautiful, do you not think so?"

"Was it love?"

"You ask me that now? Toni has been the one good thing to come out of all that happened; it is she who has enabled me to forgive myself, at least in part, and to find some peace."

"Then she may give me some peace too," I replied.

"Yes, she may do that Tony. If I have said enough then I think you should go now, unless there is more you wish to ask me."

"No...no...there been enough said for tonight."

"Then shall we say ten o'clock tomorrow morning in the foyer?"

"Yes...you will be there?"

"You are still not sure of me Tony? Ah well, I understand that, but yes, I will be there."

She hesitated for a moment and then said, "There is one question I would like to ask you, if I may."

"You may."

"Did you get the doctorate you told me you were working towards?"

"Yes."

"That is good Tony."

We said goodnight and I went to my room. I undressed and lay on the bed, but not to sleep. It was a rerun of those sleepless nights when I had laid awake desperately thinking about the vanished Amrah.

Chapter 4.A Child Bridge.

Quite apart from the struggle I was having in coming to terms with what Amrah had told me, there was the daunting prospect of meeting my daughter in the morning. "What age is she?" I wondered; "Of course she must be four."

What would I do, what would I say to the child? I'd had hardly any experience with children and now I was to meet an instant daughter. Would she like me? Would she be frightened of me? Would I like her?

With these thoughts I finally drifted off to sleep in the early hours, to awaken fearing that I had overslept and it was me who would not be turning up for the meeting. Glancing at my bedside clock I was relieved to see that it was a few minutes before nine. A quick shower and then breakfast; I looked around for them but they were not in the dining room; they must have been there before me.

Then the suspicion arose in my mind again; perhaps they had gone and I was deceived once more. I went back to my room, my stomach churning, and inspected myself in the long mirror. I had to look my best to meet my daughter, always supposing she was there to be met.

She was. Both of them stood there dressed in white, a colour that enhanced Amrah's golden complexion, and now the child's complexion, so like her mother's.

As I approached them Amrah stepped towards me and whispered, "I shall introduce you as Dr. Essex, and I have told her you will not be angry and noisy; she is a little frightened."

"Not nearly as frightened as I am," I thought.

The introduction was very grave.

"Darling, this is Doctor Essex; this is my daughter, Toni."

The child looked at me and in her dark sloe eyes there was what seemed to be a mixture of apprehension and curiosity. I said, "Hello Toni, I'm pleased to meet you." She stood close to her mother as if for protection and whispered "Hello, Doctor Essex."

"I have told Toni that you are an old friend of mine and that we haven't met for a long time and that you would like to go for a walk with us."

That, I assumed, was to warn me of what my relationship to Amrah was supposed to be. Unexpectedly I felt a bit put out by the introduction and the warning, but then what had I expected? Did I think that Amrah would say, "Toni this is your father?" No, of course not, it was silly to even think of that.

As I looked at the child I saw confirmed what Amrah had said, she was very beautiful. I wondered how that man could have virtually sent mother and daughter away. For all his wealth and power he had behaved like a spoilt child who could not get his own way.

Amrah took Toni's hand and asked, "Shall we go?"

"Yes, along the beach?" I asked.

"Yes, that will be very good," Amrah replied.

We wandered off and when we got to the beach Toni raced on ahead, running at the waves that rolled onto the beach and then fleeing from them, as if daring them to catch her.

"I don't know what to say to her," I said to Amrah.

"Then do not say anything Tony, let her come to you in her own time. Do you not think she is beautiful?"

"Yes, very. She looks like you."

Amrah seemed to ignore my remark saying, "She is very intelligent, I tell myself in that respect she takes after you, despite the fact that you can be foolish at times."

After walking for about half an hour we arrived where the beach came to an end and cliffs took over. Amrah and I sat on some rocks watching Toni hunt among rock pools. After a while she came towards us, and standing beside her mother she turned those glittering black eyes on me.

I felt somewhat embarrassed under that searching scrutiny but tried to look back at her, smiling. I think the smile must have been rather feeble.

Toni had hardly spoken at all but now, after a minute or so surveying me she asked, "You are a doctor?"

"Er...yes."

"You make people better?"

"I...er..."

Amrah laughed lightly and came to my rescue.

"Darling, Doctor Essex is not that sort of doctor he..."

"What sort of doctor is Doctor Essex?"

Lacking her mother's slight accent she seemed have the same precision of speech and that seemed odd and a trifle disconcerting in one so young.

She continued addressing her mother, "When you took me to the doctor he put a needle into my arm and said I would not become unwell." Then looking at me she asked, "You do not put needles into arms?"

"No, I...I build things."

She seemed to contemplate that for a while, and then asked, "What sort of things do you build?"

"I can build bridges and things like that." That wasn't quite true since I did the designing while others did the building, and until then I had not designed a bridge.

She nearly caught me out when she asked, "Are you building a bridge now?"

"No, I'm building something else at the moment."

"Ah, then you can build different things?"

I was about to try and frame a reply but she suddenly seemed to lose interest and recommenced her rock pool explorations.

Amrah smiled at me and said, "She is searching you out, give her a little time and she will ask more questions."

We sat on for a while longer and Amrah said, "It is a pity you are here for so short a time, you might get to know her quite well if you had longer."

I explained that I had to go and see a gantry I was involved with.

"Then you will be returning to the city?"

"Yes, I've got another project that's in the design stage."

"If by the time you leave you like Toni and would wish to see more of her, then you may visit us at our flat, do you think you would like that?"

"Look," I protested, "I don't want to interfere with your lives, especially if there's someone...you know...someone who..."

"Ah, I think I know what you mean, Tony. If it helps you to make up your mind, there is no one, it is too soon for that."

For some reason I felt a sense of relief, so I said, "Then we can talk about it before I leave, but it's not only you and me, we have to try and judge how Toni feels; she might not like me."

"Yes, that is true, but I think she will like you...if you are gentle with her. Shall we walk back now?"

Toni was called and we began the walk back, but got only part way to the hotel when Toni stopped us.

"Dr. Essex, you build things, can you build a sandcastle?"

Since Toni was so serious in addressing me I replied with equal seriousness, "Yes, I think so."

"You have built sandcastles before?"

"Yes, when I was young...about your age."

"You will help me build one now?"

I glanced at Amrah who nodded and sat down on the sand to watch proceedings.

As an engineer I was clearly under challenge to build the finest sandcastle ever, and with Toni pitching in with great enthusiasm we started work.

I'm not sure that it was the greatest sandcastle ever built, but it pleased Toni, especially when the encroaching tide started to fill the moat. This of course was followed by disappointment when the same tide started to wash the castle away.

"We'll build another one tomorrow I reassured Toni, perhaps farther up the beach so it won't get washed away. You can bring water in a bucket to fill the moat."

I brushed sand from my hands and trousers while Amrah did the same to her skirt. As her hands flicked over her firm buttocks the memory came back; "God help me," I thought, "the desire is still there."

My thoughts were interrupted by Toni, "I have not got a bucket."

"Then we shall buy one tomorrow."

It struck me that I was making these arrangements without any reference to Amrah. I glanced at her, raising my eyebrows in query.

She smiled, nodded and mouthed what appeared to be, "It is all right."

Toni, who seemed to be a little tired, took her mother's hand and then extended her other hand to me. I took it, feeling it smallness and warmth. She swung between us until we got back to the hotel.

It was Amrah's turn to look questioningly. "Would you like to join us for lunch?"

"If it wouldn't be imposing on..."

"I would not have asked you if I did not want to; you will not be imposing."

"Then yes, I'd like to." I added as an afterthought, "I was just being polite."

Amrah looked at me for a moment and then she gave a little laugh, clearly remembering our long ago talk of politeness.

We all opted for a light lunch of cold lamb and salad, and when we had finished Amrah said, "Toni still has an afternoon sleep. Would you like to join us in our suite? And please do not be polite and speak of imposing."

"Yes, I would like to join you, and no, I won't speak of imposing."

Amrah smiled again but said nothing in response.

Chapter 5.The Bridge that is a Bond?

As Amrah settled Toni for her afternoon sleep I sat thinking about our morning together. A long ago memory of words once heard came to me; "Every one who loves the parent loves the child."

When Amrah had led Toni away for her sleep the child had protested, "But I want to talk to Doctor Essex." Amrah had assured her, "You will see Doctor Essex later darling."

With that assurance Toni had been content, but I wondered if I would be seeing her later. Being told that I had a daughter had been something of a shock, getting to know her had been easier and pleasanter than I expected, and if I kept to my word the next day I would be building another sandcastle with her; but beyond that, what?

What did I want? Suppose I got to love the child and once more there was a parting of the ways? I felt that it would be easy to love Toni...too easy...just as it had been easy to love her mother, and I was setting myself up for another bitter disappointment – more pain.

Amrah had said it was too soon for her to take someone – some man – into her life, but with her looks and her sexual needs it surely wouldn't be long before there was someone. Would I then have to know that some other man was virtually being father to my daughter while I remained on the outskirts of her life as Doctor Essex, mummy's old friend, even assuming that I was on the outskirts and not completely out of their lives.

Amrah had taught me, and my mother had reinforced, that love can be dangerous; it is a risk because it carries with it the threat of loss. Did I want to experience that sort of loss again? Wouldn't it be better to experience that loss now while its pain would be mild, rather than get myself involved only to experience the greater pain?