Built Upon Sand

Amrah returned; she looked at me and said, "You seem thoughtful, Tony."

I shook myself out of my reverie and said, "I was thinking about Toni." I did not add, "And me."

"You like her?" Amrah asked.

"Yes, she's a delightful child."

"Before she went to sleep she said nice things about you."

"Because I helped her build a sandcastle?"

"Yes, that is natural with children. They judge people in that way, and you did say you would build another sandcastle with her tomorrow and that for her is exciting."

I wondered if while I was building sandcastles I would also be building castles in the air that would come tumbling down.

Amrah sat opposite me and those words, "Everyone who loves the parent..." rose up again in my mind. Did I still love Amrah, even after all the pain my loving had cost me? Certainly I still lusted for her, what man wouldn't?

Another thought arose, "Apparently her husband has ceased lusting for her." But then, if Amrah had been truthful, it was her failure to produce a son for him that had brought an end to their relationship. I asked myself, if had I been in his place would I too have rejected her for failure to produce a son? No, of course not.

I remembered when Amrah had asked me to tell her when I was joking and it had occurred to me that humour is different in different cultures. Attitudes to children could also be different. I had heard of societies in which girls were seen only as a burden and boys were highly prized. That attitude did not accord with our culture but...it struck me that I had no idea of Amrah's background – where she came from.

I tried to smile as I said, "Amrah, I know almost nothing about the mother of my child."

"Do you not, Tony? I thought that once you knew a great deal about me."

"I...I didn't mean in that way; I mean, where you come from, your background."

"Ah, I see. I was born and lived for much of my life in Croatia, but trouble came and people were killed, especially my people."

"And they were?"

"Croatian people of Turkish origin. When the trouble came we were hated, so we fled."

"And you settled here in Australia."

"Yes."

"Did you marry here?"

"No, in Croatia."

We both fell silent for a while, Amrah seeming not to want to say more, perhaps not wanting to revive the painful memories of what she had called the "Trouble."

I changed the direction of the talk slightly and asked, "Are you going to stay in Australia?"

Amrah looked at me shrewdly and said, "I think, you are concerned that if you get to love Toni I will take her away. No, I will not do that, we shall stay here."

That had not been in my thinking, but once Amrah had spelled it out I could see that, along with her entering a relationship with a man and I being sidelined, there was the chance she would return to her country of origin since she was now free to do so.

Still not completely assured that I could trust Amrah's word I decided that I should have to be wary when it came to relating to Toni.

I recalled reading once that to love is a decision we make; it is not the infatuation that we call "love" that so often has its origins in lust, but something we deliberately decided to do. "Perhaps," I thought, "love is the maturing of infatuation; it is part of our general growing up into manhood and womanhood. Yes, love is a decision we make in relation to another when the first flights of passion have calmed and we look for something deeper, something that will last."

I suspected that many never reach the point of mature love, and go on for ever seeking that which does not exist except in their fantasies. They are like the people who build sandcastles too near the sea, and have to watch them being washed away each time the tide rises.

The words beat in my head again, "Every one who loves the parent loves the child."

Amrah interrupted the flow of my thoughts.

"You are far away again in your thoughts, Tony."

"Yes...yes, I was thinking about tomorrow." Well, I suppose in a way that was true, but it included all the tomorrows that would follow, and what might be.

"Ah, tomorrow, you are looking forward to it?"

"I don't know Amrah. I was thinking that..."

"That you might become too fond of Toni? I think that is why you asked me about someone else in my life and my leaving this country."

"Yes, something like that."

"That is very sad and it means you still do not trust me...what I say. You ask yourself, 'Will she hurt me again', is that not so?"

Feeling somewhat ashamed at having been caught out I nevertheless said, "Yes."

"You are an engineer, Tony, now tell me, do not engineers sometimes make things that do not work, like...like a bridge that falls down?"

"Yes, but if an engineer designs a bridge that falls down he or she is finished."

"Yes, but let me put it more mildly; do they not sometimes design something...say a machine, that does not work properly at first, what do they do?"

"Well, if they still believe in it they try and modify the design so that the machine does what they hoped it would."

"Is it not the same with people? Sometimes a relationship goes wrong...it does not work as we hoped. If we believe it will never work, then we abandon it, as my husband abandoned me. But if we think it is not working properly, but there is still much promise, we try to modify that relationship, do we not?"

"Yes, I suppose if we think it will work in the end."

"But there is no guarantee it will work, is there?"

"No, I suppose not, but..."

"You are going to see something you designed, is that not right?"

"Yes, a gantry."

"I do not know what a gantry is, but suppose it does not work...it breaks."

"I'm in a lot of trouble."

"Exactly; you design it well, but still there is a chance that it will not be as you wish it to be and however sure you are there is still a risk, however small, that it will go wrong. Is that not so?"

"Yes, there is a chance, but very remote one. You see, I designed it to carry far more weight than it will ever be called upon to do."

"Yes Tony, and human beings are like that. We are made to be able to carry more pain and loss than we often suspect. Have you not often wondered how some people seem to be able to bear more pain and loss than we imagined possible and still carry on with their lives?"

"I suppose..."

"And can you not bear more if you had to?"

"Perhaps so, but why should I walk into it deliberately?"

"You mean, why should to risk loving Toni and then losing her?"

"Yes, and even if I did take the risk what would I be to her, a father whom she could never call father; her mother's friend or perhaps a surrogate uncle?"

"Do you know what a father is, Tony?"

"Of course I do, he's someone who...who...er...is a father."

"You go round in a circle Tony. I shall tell you what a father is; it is someone who acts as a father whether he is the true father of the child or not; it is someone who loves and cares for and protects the child. But you are Toni's true father."

"You sound as if you want me to relate to Toni as a father."

"For four years I did not think so, but now we have met again and you have seen her and she has already begun to like you, then why should I not want you to relate to her as a father, even if you can never be named as such?"

"Why would you want that, after all I was a random choice when it came to making you pregnant?"

"Not quite random, Tony; I chose you more carefully than you imagine, but that is not the point; I think you are a good man and that is what I would want for Toni's father."

"Good," I said, "a guy who knowingly commits adultery with a woman he has known for little more than an hour?"

"She has a mother who lured you into that adultery Tony. Neither of us can change that; we cannot go back to that day on the beach and my sun lounger and change what happened...by the way, I know how to erect one now."

We both laughed, and that seemed to break the tension that had built up during the previous talk.

Amrah became grave again and said, "Tony, five years ago I wanted something for myself and took it when I could see it was there for the taking. Now, in case you are thinking I want something from you – money perhaps – I tell you I ask nothing for myself, only for Toni. Even so I would not wish you to do something that you have no desire to do. If that is so, then perhaps you should go now; I can make excuses for you to Toni – you were called away to work or something like that – she is young and she will forget you. But if you choose to go on seeing her and she becomes fond of you, then any break in the future might be bad for her."

"Yes, I see that," I replied.

"It is a risk whichever choice you make. If you go now, you may wonder about her for the rest of your life. If you stay and grow to love her you take the risk that all love takes, loss."

"And what about you, Amrah, what do you want?"

"I told you Tony, I ask nothing for myself; I do not have that right, and even if I did I would not exercise it."

"But I..."

"No, I ask only for Toni."

"But for the future..."

"We may think we know the future Tony, but as you and I should understand most clearly, there can be no future guarantees even when we are most certain we know how things will be."

"You asked me to decide now and that's a big ask given that it's so short a time since I learned I have a daughter. Can I be given time to think, say until tomorrow?"

"Yes, you can play sandcastles with her and if you decide you want no further time with her then you can make your own excuses; after all, she can have no expectations of you beyond tomorrow and sandcastles. But this I do ask of you; if you decide to go away, do not return in the years to come demanding access or something like that. I shall give her as stable a life as I can in whatever way I can, and should not wish that stability to be disrupted."

"No, of course I wouldn't do that Amrah."

"Good, then will you dine with us this evening?"

"Yes, I'd like that."

"Then let us meet in the dining room at seven."

I rose and said, "At seven then."

I remembered how once we had dined in her suite, and wondered if Amrah was making sure I had no opportunity for a repeat of those days. I asked myself if I would like a return to those passionate times, and couldn't answer my question. It also occurred to me that if I did not altogether trust Amrah, she might not trust me to keep my hands off her.

Chapter 6.Decision Time.

I went to my room and flopped down on the bed. From the moment I had become aware of having a daughter life seemed to have become emotionally charged, and with that charge came one of its potential running mates, confusion. I need hardly say, since it must be already obvious from what I have written, that being with Amrah had done nothing to ameliorate that confusion.

She had been – or at least I thought she had been – the great love of my life. Losing her had been the bitterest experience I had endured but, given time, I had grown used to my loss. I have heard it said that prisoners of war, however harsh their environment, when liberation came some could not be induced to leave the place of their confinement, and even turned on their liberators.

Less dramatically I suppose I had grown used to the loss of Amrah, and now, with her back on the scene, I felt some resentment that she had disturbed my security and stirred up past emotions. Add to that the decision I had to make regarding Toni, and the fact that if I did decide to remain in contact with the child I should also have to remain in contact with Amrah, and I'd got a rather difficult situation; at least that's how I saw it.

I don't want to be misunderstood. There was no doubt that Amrah was an extremely attractive woman, despite her saying she was not the most beautiful woman in the world. In that respect there would be no difficulty in climbing into her bed again; it was what might follow from that sojourn in her bed that troubled me. Would it be another temporary stopover followed by more heartbreak?

One part of me wanted to flee from the two of them; the other part wanted to take the risk that Amrah had spoken of and see what the future would bring.

I've said I do not want to be misunderstood, so I might a well come clean. I knew deep down that despite all the misery she had brought me, I still loved Amrah. It was this love that was really bothering me; I didn't want a fire lit under that again.

I lay for a long while twisting and turning in my mind until finally acknowledging I had committed myself to at least some sandcastle building the next day, I rose and took a shower. I shaved despite the fact that I had shaved that morning, and although the hotel was not the sort of place where you dressed for dinner in the dinner jacket sense, I did go to some trouble to look my best. Why? Well, I told myself it was for my daughter.

Arriving in the dining room I saw that Amrah and Toni had also gone to some trouble to look their best. The theme was white again but Amrah had a red rose attached to her dress. Looking at her, there came to consciousness something that I had noticed before but had not fully registered it; Amrah wore no jewellery and for the first time in our renewed acquaintance I also noted she no longer wore her engagement or wedding ring.

There was also the fact that Amrah used no makeup, or at least, none that I could detect. This too was something that had not fully registered with me before. There had been that alluring perfume that I remembered from the past that seemed to come from her hair, but it had been very subtle and so far I had not been close enough to her to discover if she still used it.

Toni looked very sweet in her white dress with her golden coloured skin glowing and dark eyes constantly looking at me in that unaffected way children have. I thought she was the sort of daughter a father would be proud to show off, and how my mother would fuss with delight over her. No doubt I could get a big ego boost out of this – the father of such a lovely child.

The moment of imagined paternal pride was interrupted by Toni who, after what must have been a somewhat minute examination of me announced, "You've got a cut on your chin I can see the blood."

My careful preparations had not been careful enough and I'd nicked myself shaving. There were a few moments of handkerchief manipulating by Amrah as she removed the dried blood. This caused the cut to start bleeding again so I had to sit there for a while holding the handkerchief to the offending abrasion.

It was all very domestic and I got the feeling we were playing at happy families.

Conversation was spasmodic and what there was of it was initiated mainly by Toni who wanted to know how big the sandcastle would be, would I remember to buy her a bucket, and would I build another sandcastle with her the day after. Amrah got me off the hook over the latter question saying, "Doctor Essex may have to leave after tomorrow darling."

With a child's persistence, and lacking the subtleties of the situation I was asked if I would build a sandcastle with her when I came back. Not having the heart to tell her I might never be back, I used the adult ploy, "We'll have to wait and see."

That gambit did not work as I hoped because Toni said something that tore at my heart.

"Then I shall ask mummy to take me to the beach everyday until you come back and I shall wait for you there."

I felt as if I had a swelling in my throat, and glancing at Amrah I could see a tear trickling down her cheek.

I was still retaining her handkerchief and it being stained with my gore I tried as surreptitiously as possible to pass her mine. As she wiped away the tears Toni said, "Why are you crying mummy?"

"I'm not crying darling," Amrah sniffed, "I've just got something in my eye; there, it's gone now."

The non-existent something in her eye exerted its influence for another minute or two by which time our food had arrived and that lump in my throat made it difficult to swallow.

While eating conversation became spasmodic again and consisted mainly of Amrah and me playing out some verbal game, I suppose for Toni's benefit.

"Isn't it odd meeting again like this?"

"Yes, after all these years."

"I often wondered what had happened to you."

"Yes, I've wondered about you and why we didn't keep in touch."

"I'm so glad we caught up again."

"Yes, so am I, we mustn't lose sight of each other again."

And so it went on and I don't think either of us realised how that nonsense talk might come back to haunt us. But then, we often don't realise how a child who seems to be concerned solely with eating can at the same time be drinking in everything the adults are saying and giving it their interpretation.

At the end of the meal I instructed that it should be put on my account, and glancing at Amrah said archly, "I owe you a few."

At that moment Toni was apparently fascinated by a fat lady arguing with the manager, so Amrah took advantage of the distraction to say to me, "Can you not see you owe me nothing?" She nodded towards Toni.

That bloody lump was back in my throat again.

Final arrangements were made about the next day. We were to meet in the hotel foyer at ten and make our way to the beach. Then it was goodnights and going our separate ways to our rooms and for me, after eventually getting into bed, several hours of tossing and turning as I tried to come to terms with what had come into my life.

Chapter 7.The Castle.

I was in the hotel foyer promptly at ten wearing an old pair of jeans which I felt to be suitable for sandcastle building. Amrah and Toni were also clad for the occasion, but with more elegance than me. Amrah was carrying a beach umbrella, towels but no sun lounger.

Once more with Toni swinging between us we went off to buy the little bucket and then on to the beach and castle construction.

I chose a likely looking place and Toni and I began work. Amrah stretched out under the umbrella on her beach towel a few metres away from us. That seemed odd at the time, but I afterwards realised that she was anticipating some talk between Toni and me and didn't want to inhibit any exchanges.

The exchanges began about five minutes after we started.

"It's funny, isn't it," Toni said.

"Is it...what is, the castle?"

"No, your name."

"Essex?"

"No, I heard mummy call you Tony."

"Yes, that's my name, Tony Essex."

"My name is Toni too."

"Well, yes, but it's spelt differently, see."

I wrote in the sand, TONI. "See, that's your name." I then wrote TONY. "That's my name, can you see the difference?"

"Yes, but why is it different?"

"Your name is spelt as a girl's name, and mine is a boy's name."

"Oh." Beside TONI she wrote VURUL and beside TONY she wrote ESIX.

"You know how to write your name," I commented.

"Yes, mummy taught me, and I can write other things."

"Like my name."

"Yes."

"It sounds like the way you wrote it, but it's a bit different."

"Show me."

I wrote ESSEX; Toni studied it for a while then wrote it out herself.

I thought, "Aha, Amrah failed to give me her family name, whether by oversight or deliberately, but Toni had given it away.

We worked on in silence for a while and then, "Mummy says you're an old friend."

"That's right."

"Why have I not met you before?"

"Oh well, we just lost touch with each other."

"Are you a very old friend?"

"I...er...suppose so. I met your mother a long time ago."

"Before I was born?"

"Yes...yes, before you were born."

"Are you an old friend of daddy as well?"

That was a hard one given my relationship with Toni, but I said, "No, I've never met your daddy."

I worked on but Toni sat on the sand as if digesting my answers.