Consider the Consequences

With that he walked away from me, without a second glance, both of us with tears streaming down our face. I barely slept that night, wondering what I had done, and what I could do to make it right. I was up before Mike the next morning, putting the coffee on when Sandra appeared at the door, wanting to hear the details. She listened as I told her that Raymond was all she'd told me but that now all I felt was guilt because of how Mike had reacted and was worried about facing him today.

"Don't worry about Mike" she said, "he was just jealous, I can fix that." Just then Mike appeared in the kitchen doorway, "Mike", she said, " I know what you need, you need a little action of your own. How about you and I do it and make Carrie watch".

For the first time since the day before Mike showed some life, "Sandra, I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last female on earth. I made a commitment, one that I thought was shared with Carried when we first fell in love, and repeated it in front of our friends at our wedding. Even though Carrie has betrayed her commitment, I am not about to do so until I know my marriage is over for good, If it wasn't for your meddling and pushing Carrie, she never would've done this , but she has. So get out of her and don't come back at least as long as I'm still here. I hope you're happy, because I think you have helped ruin a marriage"

At that I spoke up, "I agree Sandra, you were the one who kept telling me how wonderful it would be, but without the love, it's nothing. Until you offered right now, I'd never considered the possibility of Mike with anyone else, and by thinking about it, I finally understand what he felt, because I know I can't stand it. Please leave and let me try and save my marriage!"

After Sandra left the two of us just stood there, until I finally spoke up, "Mike, I love you, I screwed up big time, I convinced myself that I wanted to try it, and I convinced myself it would be good for us, I should've listened to you, I'm sorry. You're the only man I want. Please forgive me."

"I don't know Carrie, right now I just don't know. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen. Look how much you wanted it. I don't know how many times I tried to talk you into shaving your pubes, but no, you wouldn't do it. Yet for somebody else, you do it on your own. Did you expect me to be happy about it?"

That comment hit home by making me realize that yes, in my twisted horny thinking I had thought he'd like it, not even realizing that I wasn't doing it for him. Now I understood the gasp I'd heard from him, it was one of shock and despair. I started to speak, "Mike, I'm sorry, I didn't think..." but he ignored me and kept talking. "After this, I keep asking myself, was he your first, or were you just trying to break me in to your lifestyle. If he was your first, now that you've sampled others, what's going to stop you from doing it again, though it'll have to be behind my back, I could never watch again. You're betrayal last night sickened me."

As he spoke, the tone of his voice spoke almost as much as his words. Even without hearing the words, I realized how much I'd hurt him, how much I'd pushed him away. And the words made me realize how much I'd been consumed by this fantasy, how he Mike must have felt when he saw that I'd shaved for another man but not for him, even though I had been thinking of him when I did it, of me sucking another man's cock right in front of him. "What had I done?"

By now the tears were pouring down my face again,, for what I'd done, and for what I may have lost. Could I ever get Mike to forgive me and to love me as he had before? "Please Mike", I sobbed, "we can get over this, I always have loved you, I always will love you, I don't want to lose you!"

"Carrie, I need time to think, to decide what I want. A large part of me wants to tell you to go to hell and get out of my life. The thought of sleeping with you is almost enough to make me sick, for I can't get the picture of the two of you out of my mind. Sure I've fantasized about making it with others, even some of our friends, but that's all it was, a fantasy, never to be realized. Never, never would I cheat on you, and I can't fathom how you could do it to me. Yeah, you maybe had my consent, but could I say no? I was convinced that if I did you'd just go behind my back. All you did was argue to the point I had no choice. I felt that maybe, at the last minute you would realize what you were doing to us. But no, you betrayed our commitment. Clearly you didn't think of the consequences like I tried to tell you. On the other hand, part of me still loves you, but if I stay with you I can't share you, and I don't know if I can ever trust you again."

"Mike, never again, just realizing how much I hurt you ensures that I could never do anything like this again, you are the only man for me from here on. I wish I could turn the clock back and realize what I was doing, but I can't. I understand your doubts, the lack of trust, but believe me, I'll never stray again, I don't want anyone else. When Sandra suggested sleeping with you, I almost died. The thought of you with another woman made me so mad, so jealous. Then I realized that must have been how you've been feeling for so long. And then last night. How could I have been so blind. I'm not going to let you go. I'll do whatever it takes to show you how much I love you, to beg and earn your forgiveness, to regain your love."

My heart broke as he sat there silently, and then finally spoke, "I don't know, I think I need to get away for a few days and to think things over. We have a child, and that is a big factor, but if I can't love you, then he isn't enough, for staying may make things worse as he grows up. I'm going to back a bag and head out to the lake for a bit, I've got time off I can take. Please give me my time, don't make me force a decision, because right now I couldn't make a decision to stay with you."

With that he walked up the stairs. I just sat there and stared at the wall, til he appeared with a bag in hand. "Today is Saturday, I'll call you by Wednesday to let you know where I'm at, I'm not promising any decision by then, but I'll keep in touch."

As he headed out the door I spoke to him, 'Mike, please remember that I love you". He gave me a sad smile, and walked out.

Time passed slowly as I sat by the door. I don't know what is going to happen, all I can do is wait, hope and pray for a second chance. I suddenly realized that the sex wasn't that great after all. Yes, there had been the thrill of something new, but something was missing, the love. I'd been right when I'd thought of fucking somebody else, clearly it wasn't making 'love'.

I also realized that if Mike came back, as I hoped he would, that it wouldn't be the same for quite a long time, if ever. Maybe he could forgive me, but I knew that neither of us would ever forget what I'd done, to him, to me, and to us. At the same time, I don't know if I could forgive myself. Suddenly I thought of our son, how would I explain it to him if we split up, and for that matter, would Mike fight for custody.

With Sandra's pushing and encouragement I had created a fantasy, and believed that it would be dream come true. Sadly, it turned out to be a nightmare, because I hadn't thought about the consequences of a dream, nor trusted the one I loved.

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Yes, Mike did come back, and eventually did forgive me. It took quite a while before we were truly comfortable with each other, and even then, I know there were times when one of us would remember. It also was a while until we resumed having sex, though I was willing from day one. At first I could tell that it was closer to fucking on his part, rather than making love, but I accepted it and just worked harder to turn it into love again. Two years later, I was thrilled to give him another child, a beautiful baby girl.

I never thought of cheating on him again, for now I realized that it was cheating, cheating his trust of me to do the right thing. But from that day on, whenever I had to make a decision that affected our family, I always tried to look at it from his perspective as well, thus truly considering the consequences.