All Comments on 'Corruption of a Family Ch. 02'

Very well written! I can't wait for chapter 3.

Waiting for the next chapter.

Great story please write more and quickly

It's like almost every other lame ass MC story on here. Not very religious if he can be forced to give up his religion.

I love the intriguing plot and most of the erotic narrative.

Some of the grammar is off, but worth hurdling to get to the story.

wyo66, if you want to work on grammar, please recall that every separate complete statement requires separation, occasionally with a semicolon and/or a conjunction, or usually with a period, "?" or "!" Run-on sentences are rampant in many Literotica works, you could improve the work as suggested I hope you do so it really helps our reading, it's so much easier for us. (Well, I exaggerated the issue there.)

Notes on Ch 2:

remove her stocking's (sic) stockings

events leading up to it were at Phil's desecration (sic) discretion

but he admitted to him self (sic) himself (Frequent error)

Taking the elevator up in the GSI head quarters (sic) headquarters building

I am sure nothings (sic) nothing’s going to come up

he wouldn't have to worry about work as he did Mystics biding (sic) Mystic’s bidding

He realized he was constituting (sic) considering something

Mystic had him drinking when ever (sic) whenever she was in control

held her close as feelings of affection for Lori weld (sic) welled up

they had never been washed, but he deiced (sic) decided

He knew it was a half truth (sic) half-truth

Lori is beautiful in her new underware (sic) underwear

With out, a word Judy (sic) Without a word, Judy came towards him

As if this is a queue Judy (sic) cue, Judy spits out

I believe you have reached the first mile stone (sic) milestone with her (sic) her, so I can leave knowing your (sic) you’re well on your way to succeeding.

you won't know I am there so behave your self (sic) there, so behave yourself

HTH!

I know Grammar is my downfall, I am currently enrolled to go back to school and finish my English degree, Grammar was one of the first classes I enrolled in.

My name is Don Wilson Jr. My father passed away on Aug 1. I'm so happy he saw this chapter before he died. His last month was nothing but constant observance of this site in hopes of the next juicy adventure. I found his body, expired from dehydration, with an open laptop, an empty ballsack and a smile on his face. He had truly come to this.

What the fuck am I going to do with all these Bison?

You admitted this, so I won't go into detail (and while the other user pointed out *some* errors, he actually missed quite a few). I'll just give you some pointers on how to improve this. Luckily grammar is all knowledge, so it's easy to overcome (though some of it becomes habit like "all of the sudden," which is something you say frequently, but it's actually "all of *A* sudden." Habits like those will be harder to break).

Get a decent editor. Someone who will write notes in your paper not just correct them. If I was more invested in Literotica (I only log on here maybe once a week or less) I would volunteer. Seriously, though, that will help far more than taking a grammar class (though that will help too!), because you will have a finished piece that someone can take apart and show you *your own, personal errors*, then correct them and explain why.

You have the creative potential to be one of the better-known names here, but not until you work out your grammar issues. Something else I've noticed in your stories (though this one it's less of a problem) is that you don't go into descriptive detail often enough. You're content to say "Lori had beautiful eyes," for instance, rather than describing her beautiful eyes. Too much and it's flowery, but not enough and it's stale and/or jarring to read.

e.g. "Tim went to the store. He bought some apples. He thought the apples would taste good. He hoped his wife agreed." That's jarring.

"The velvety sheen of red and gold played along the surface of the Fuji Apple in Tim's outstretched hand as he carefully considered his wife's feelings. Should he purchase this delectable fruit, or move on to its darker cousin, the Red Delicious?" That's flowery. Sometimes that much detail is necessary, but not about, you know, *apples*. Work out a better flow by describing your setting a bit more. That's your next step to improvement after working through your grammar issues.

Hope this was helpful and not just the ramblings of some dude on Literotica. Best of luck, hope to see the next installment soon!

Cannot wait until part 3 is released, keep up the good work.

Your story appears to be shaping up to be very sexy and interesting; however, I had to stop reading at a point shortly after "Phil" arrived home at the airport. Why, you ask? There were so many verb tense and syntax errors, I just had to set this aside. I found myself being forced to mentally edit YOUR STORY! That's just not fair bud. I was reading for pleasure, but you put me to work. I enjoy creative, well written erotic stories very much, but I've come to observe some things about many amateur, erotic story composers. Most are not especially gifted writers. Many who ARE gifted writers, and actually understand proper use of grammar, syntax, spelling, etc., become too excited or aroused to properly USE their good skills when they're relating intensely sexual scenarios. Also, almost NONE of the people in either of the aforementioned categories are the least bit skilled at (or simply do not care about) the art of editing! I would sincerely enjoy finishing this story ... AFTER it is properly edited. By the way, this comment format doesn't allow the use of paragraphs, so it would appear I don't know how to organize my thoughts. :^) I actually do. I wish to close this critique by commending your choice of subject matter. My favorite, and one of the least often and most poorly exploited fantasies is that of the reluctant seduction of innocent, mature, intelligent people. In your case, you appear to have added the incredible ability to utilize mind control to achieve sexual gratification. WHAT A COOL FANTASY! Who HASN'T dreamed of having the ability to cause instant sexual desire in any person(s) who is (or are) the object(s) of our OWN desires! MORE! MORE, but FREAKING WELL LEARN TO EDIT!

Okay "wyo66", I read on. YOU are not the original author of this story. I'm actually trained to identify plagiarism, and THIS STORY STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN! There are well composed paragraphs followed by aggrandized messes of misspelled words, poorly constructed sentences, syntax errors, and purely childish, stupid, drivel! YOU APPARENTLY THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH THIS, and some of these fellow pervs are falling for it, but I'm calling BULLSHIT ON YOU!

Ummmm....BULLSHIT! You write on the level of a 12th grader. I'd guess you MAY have 15 to 30 hours of undergraduate level college course work, but I would actually come close to believing you never finished your 1st semester of college. You probably work for a small city (water department maybe?), and you've gone to a few technical certification courses.

I may have poor grammar but every word of every story I have posted has come from my mind, and that is fact.If you want to go on a tirade about my story have the courage to log in and use your profile not as an anonymous user. and lastly, no one is forcing you to read what I write, move on to something else.

Thank you for fucking up a good story you other anonymous jerk- authors put a lot of work into these things and you likely just caused this author to quit.. Wyo66 ------ PLEASE continue this story. Thanks

Thank you for this wonderful story, please continue as fast as possible.

Really great

Love

Please continue it is very good so far.

This story hasn't been added to or completed, and that's too bad. It's really good. I definitely want to see where this goes.

Make sure to play their innocence being slowly corrupted, if you can, from their own desires and a bit of an outside push

I hope you continue it, the story can be edited later but you must keep om writing please

good stuff please continue