Crossed

"Okay, someone's had too much to drink," he told her as he reached over for the bottle of wine that only had about an inch left at the bottom.

"Hey! Don't be mean!" she said, the rush of alcohol bathing her brain. "I wouldn't be mean to you!"

"I know," he said as he gentle took it away from her.

"You know why?" she said.

"Um...no," he replied as he poured the rest down the sink.

"Because...because I...I think I maybe I might just be in...."

She stopped speaking and by the time Trevor had turned back around tears were running down her face. He grabbed a small towel off the oven door and handed it her.

"Thank you," she said as she tried to dry her eyes. "I need to go wash up before...it...comes back."

Trevor helped her stand and Marissa, who wasn't used to drinking more than a single glass every now and then, took a small first step then stopped.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," she said as she turned toward the sink.

She made it just in time as the entire bottle of wine came up with whatever little else she'd eaten earlier.

"I'm so sorry!" she said, her head hung over the sink as she let the water run.

"Hey? You okay, Mar?" Phil said after walking in just after she retched.

"Uh-huh. I'm fine," she said just before eliminating everything else in her stomach. "Just fucking fine!"

"I uh...I should be going," Trevor said nodding toward the front of the house.

"I'm sorry, Trevor," she said again. "I'm so sorry."

"Me, too," he said as he gently touched her shoulder. "If you need to take tomorrow off...."

"Uh-uh. No way. I'll be in at my normal time. I'm just so sorry you had to...see this," she said, making him wonder if she meant herself, Phil, or both.

As Trevor excused himself, he saw Phil walk over and put his hand on Marissa's back as he tried to ask if there was anything he could do. The moment it made contact, she pulled away hard enough that it startled him.

Marissa told him, "Don't touch me! There's only one thing you can do to help me, and you've made it clear you're not willing to do that, so...no, there's nothing you can do...Phyllis."

"I'll see myself out!" Trevor called pretending he hadn't heard what Marissa said.

Just as he opened the door some more kids came up the walk hollering 'trick or treat!' at him. He saw the large candy dish by the door and dropped a few pieces in each bag before walking out as the kids dashed back down to the sidewalk and off to the next house.

"So that's the big secret," Trevor said to himself once he was back in his car.

He personally didn't give a rat's ass what Phil or anyone else did as long as it didn't harm anyone else, but this was clearly hurting Marissa.

As he drove home it was pretty clear there was nothing he could do other than be a sympathetic ear or a sounding board for her. This was indeed her problem, and no one else could solve it for her. Still, it killed him to know that such an amazing woman was having to deal with something so difficult. It was tearing her and their marriage apart, and Trevor couldn't help but wonder if it could ever be good again if she could somehow learn to compartmentalize Phil's new hobby thing.

To Trevor, it seemed like the crossdressing would forever be the proverbial 800-pound gorilla in the room no matter what. Then again, perhaps she could find a way to tolerate it and, with enough time, possibly even learn to accept it. Of course, that was easy for him to say. He wasn't a woman who'd married a masculine man only to learn he'd had this deep, dark secret he'd failed to share with her before she said 'I do'.

The next morning, when Trevor came in, Marissa almost seemed her old self. She was smiling and cheerful, and other than a brief-but-sincere apology for losing control and vomiting in front of him, everything had the appearance of being back to normal.

"Don't give it a second thought," Trevor told her when she let him know how embarrassed she was.

"I thought you'd be understanding," she said with a smile. "I mean, you always are."

She then let him know about a couple of changes to the schedule then the two of them did their own thing until everyone else had gone home.

"Do you possibly feel like talking?" Trevor asked when he walked into the office.

"I do. Would you mind?" she asked.

"No. Of course not. I'm happy to listen or do anything I can," he told her.

Marissa opened up and laid everything out very clearly for him.

She'd had no idea Phil 'did that' until just a few months ago. Her first question had been whether or not he wanted to be a woman along the lines of Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and he'd emphatically told her 'no'.

"He said he has no interest in men...or other women," Marissa explained.

"The problem is, I no longer have any interest in him. I can't help it, Trevor. Every time I look at him now I see—'her'—and that sickens me. Does that me some kind of...what? A homophobe?"

"Well, since Phil isn't gay, I don't think so, but I do know what you're saying. And to answer your question, no, you're not a bad person for feeling the way you feel. I get it, and I think I understand why. Well, to the degree I can understand, anyway."

"I...I can't even stand the thought of him touching me now," she confessed.

"And things used to be so good in that department, you know? He seems to think I should be able to throw some kind of switch and see him as Phil, and then do the same when he's...Phyllis."

Marissa shook her head then added, "Just saying that makes me feel like retching. Oh, sorry about the reference to um...retching."

Trevor laughed politely while Marissa kept going by saying, "He's completely unwilling to give it up, and at some level, I understand that. If this is, I don't know, ingrained in him, how could he just give it up?"

"I wish I had answers to your questions, but unfortunately, I don't," Trevor confessed.

"Oh, no. I don't actually expect answers. They're mostly rhetorical questions I already know the answers to," she said.

There was a very long period of silence before she said, "And that includes the so-called $64,000 question."

Trevor had heard his dad use the phrase several times over the years so he understood it although he'd never seen the old TV show by the same name.

"You mean...divorce?" he asked hating to even say the word.

"Yes. A legal separation at the least," she said.

"I just feel like such a failure, you know? I keep asking myself what I did wrong. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not kind enough or good enough in...you know. And now the thought of even being in bed with him makes me ill."

Trevor was sitting directly in front of her in a hardback chair. He was bent over resting his elbows on his knees as she spoke.

He looked up at her then said, "Don't do that. Don't beat yourself up. You haven't done anything wrong, and let me assure you, you are more than pretty enough. Any guy would be very lucky to have you, Marissa."

She smiled as she looked back at him then said, "You always make me feel so good. I know I'm not...pretty in the sense someone like you would think of as pretty, but for a woman who's 40, I don't think I'm...un-attractive."

"I can't even imagine what going through this kind of thing could do to a beautiful woman's self-esteem, but I want you to know you're not just pretty, Marissa—you're gorgeous. And not 'for a woman who's 40'. You're one of the most attractive women I've ever known. Period."

She watched his eyes carefully to see if he was just trying to make her feel good, and she could tell he was being honest and sincere.

"Thank you, Trevor. Coming from one of the most handsome men I've ever met, that means a lot to me. It really does," she told him just as sincerely.

"So what do you think you'll do next?" he asked.

"I think I need to see a lawyer and start looking for a place of my own," she said.

"Um...wouldn't Phil be the one who should start doing the looking?" Trevor asked.

"Maybe. I don't know. I'm not sure I can even stay in that house anymore because everything in it will remind of Phil—like that. Either way, this just really stinks, you know? I never, ever thought I'd end up divorced. I waited. I had quite a few opportunities...to get married earlier, but I wanted to be sure. I wanted to wait until I met someone I felt certain I'd be with for life. And then one day out of the blue Phil says he has to tell me something. He says this is a part of him and he can't undo it. Even worse, he has no desire to undo it. He said he even feels cheated for having suppressed it for so many years, and the thought of 'going back in the closet' is out of the question, but I can't stand it now that he is out."

She looked at Trevor again then said, "My life changed forever at that moment, and I can't go back. It's almost as though Phil died, and no matter how often I think about the past or how often I cry when I'm all alone, nothing can change this."

"I really am sorry," Trevor told her.

"Thank you. That means so much to me, Trevor. You've been so kind and so good to me since the day you hired me. I appreciate that more than I can put into words."

Trevor smiled then said, "I remember that day. The day I hired you."

"Oh, right! Yes, that was a very special day to me," she said with a bright, happy smile.

"Me, too. I remembered thinking I'd struck gold when I saw your resume. Then when you walked in and I saw you, I thought...."

"What? What did you think?" she asked wanting to know.

"Oh, um...it's no big deal," he told her clearly wanting to avoid telling her what he'd thought.

"It was good though, right?" she asked hopefully.

Trevor hemmed and hawed then finally looked up at her and said, "I remember thinking the moment you walked in, 'That's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen'."

He looked down for a moment then looked at her left hand before telling her, "I also remember looking for a wedding ring and feeling hugely disappointed when I saw it."

Marissa was smiling at him but didn't speak.

"What? Why are you looking at me that way?" he asked.

"No reason," she told him in a sweet-but-evasive kind of way. "But thank you for sharing that."

Trevor stayed and chatted for a few more minutes before excusing himself.

On the ride home, he tried understanding what it was Phil was doing and why, but he found it impossible to relate to it. He then tried thinking of some kind of analogous situation to perhaps find a connection he could use to make sense of it all but nothing worked. What could possibly be so important that a man would essentially throw away a long and happy marriage with a beautiful woman like Marissa in order to have it?

Unable to answer his own question, Trevor turned instead to wondering how he could help Marissa were she to ask. That proved to be less difficult, and yet it wasn't exactly an easy question, either. In the end, he realized all he could do was let her know he was there for her and if she asked, show her how willing he was to help.

Several days passed and nothing more was said, but one day Trevor noticed something that surprised him. Because the topic had recently come up during their after-hours discussion, it wasn't a shock, but it was still something he couldn't stop looking at after noticing it.

Marissa had taken off her wedding ring, and her bare finger served as a stark reminder that her marriage was all but over. The other girls noticed too, but didn't pry after Marissa told them they'd reached some kind of irreconcilable impasse. They hugged her and let her know they were they were there for her and nothing more was made of it.

A second big surprise came a few days later when Phil knocked on Trevor's door the following Saturday morning.

"Phil. What's going on? You wanna come in?" Trevor asked.

"If you don't mind," he replied.

"No, of course not. What can I get you?"

"Nothing, thanks. I just wanted to talk if you have a little time."

"Yeah, sure. Come in and sit down," Trevor told him as he took a seat across from him.

"Marissa just moved out," Phil began, his voice edgy with emotion. "She insisted I keep the house because it was too much of a reminder of what we used to have."

"I'm really sorry, man," Trevor told him.

"Me, too, but this was inevitable, you know?" the older man said. His voice wasn't so much sad as it was matter of fact.

"Phil? May I ask you a question?"

"Sure. Marissa told me you discussed my crossdressing, so ask me anything. Now that my big secret is out in the open, it might be good to talk about it with someone else."

"I'm not judging you. I don't care what you do, and if this is something you enjoy, then...go for it. But what I can't understand is how it's more important to you than your wife or your marriage. I've racked my brain trying to make sense of it, but when I look at Marissa, I can't imagine any guy giving her up for anyone or...anything."

Phil took a deep breath and sighed then tried to explain.

"You're not a religious man, so this may not help, but it's best analogy I can think of. Imagine growing up as a fundamentalist Christian. Then you go off to college and lose your faith. You consider yourself an atheist and end up marrying a woman with similar views. You never really talk about God or religion because you truly believe it's a non-issue. Then maybe you have a child or your child dies, and one day you find yourself thinking kids are a kind of miracle or something. Or maybe you have a close call with death yourself, and it has such an impact on you that you suddenly can't wait to return to your faith. From then on, it becomes the most important thing in your life; more important than even your wife or your marriage. Then imagine telling your wife how you feel, and she tells you just the thought of you sitting in church and singing hymns or shouting 'Amen!' makes her sick. She can't shake the image of you carrying your Bible around everywhere you go or how you evangelize the people you meet. She's deeply embarrassed by it all and asks you to reconsider because she can't stand the new you. Do you give it up and pretend it doesn't matter or do you fully embrace it, and let the chips fall where they may?"

Trevor thought carefully about Phil's analogy then said, "But don't people in America generally consider religion a positive and something like crossdressing a negative?"

Phil smiled a wry smile then said, "One man's trash is another man's treasure, right?"

"I guess when you put it that way it makes sense. So...is this need of yours really that strong?"

"Yes," Phil said. "I suppressed it the entire time we were married. I honestly believed I'd never want to do it again after I married Marissa. And for the first 4-5 years, I didn't. Then the urge to 'dress up' again came back, but I still didn't act on it. I think gaining all that weight helped. Or...hurt, depending on your perspective."

"How so?" Trevor asked.

"Well, when I do 'dress up' I want to see an image that's at least something that resembles an attractive woman—to me, anyway. I don't care for women who are overweight so were I to have done this back then, I don't think I'd have enjoyed it. But once I got excited about getting thin enough to look the way I want to look, that triggered this irresistible need to do it again."

He saw the look on Trevor's face then asked, "Does that help at all?"

"I think so," Trevor told him. "So this urge, this...need. It's stronger than your need to be married and for Marissa to be happy?"

"I want Marissa to be happy. In fact, that's why I'm here, and I'll get back to that in a minute. But yes, this desire of mine is overpowering, and the only time I really feel happy and fulfilled is when I know I can do it whenever I want. Marissa asked me if I could restrict my 'behavior' to a few times a year, and I told her 'no way'. Never again. She's never wanted to see me dressed up, and I get that, but I kept hoping Halloween, the one time she said she'd at least look at me as...Phyllis...might change her mind. It didn't. In fact, if anything, it made her hate what I love even more. I have to admit I hoped like hell she'd be okay with it, but I do understand how she feels. It kills me to have to choose, but for me, this is like the guy who got his faith back. It's so important that life without it wouldn't even be a real life from here on out. Is that any help?"

"Yeah. That really put things into perspective. Being a well-educated professional, I know this isn't a 'sickness' or a perversion, and I wouldn't even think of suggesting something like going to therapy. You know what you like and what you want and need, and you've obviously weighed the consequences of your choices very carefully."

"Trust me on that," Phil said.

"So...do you want to be a woman?" he asked even though Marissa already addressed that particular issue.

"No. No way. I have no desire to be a female. I just like dressing up like a woman whenever possible. I have never understood why and still don't. All I know is it's the most exciting, most intoxicating thing I've ever done, and every single time, it has the same effect. Hell, I know I don't look or sound like an actual woman. Most crossdressers don't. But it's something I can't...and won't...live without ever again," Phil explained.

"I'm really glad you took the time to walk me through this, Phil. I was having a hard time understanding what was going on, but it makes sense to me now. Not that it has to make sense to me. As I said, it's your life, and I'm not here to judge. You've been my friend and that won't change."

"I appreciate that very much, Trevor," Phil told him.

"But I'm also Marissa's friend, and I hope I'll never be put in a position to have to choose," Trevor added.

"That's kind of what I came here to talk to you about. I'm glad I had the chance to explain my little um...hobby...to you, but there's another, more important reason I stopped by today."

"Lay it on me," Trevor said now feeling a little better now that he knew what was going on and why.

Phil exhaled loudly then said, "Marissa is my friend, too. Gee, it sounds pretty bad when I say that out loud, but...she is—my friend. I'll always care about her and truth be told, I'll always love her. But I'm also very aware that I'm the reason we can't be married anymore, and because I do care about her so much, I wanted to ask you to do me a favor."

"Sure. I mean, if I can," Trevor told him.

"Marissa thinks the world of you, doc. She talks about you a lot. A whole lot. It's funny but I used to be jealous of you, even though I know nothing ever happened."

"Stop right there," Trevor said. "You're right. Nothing ever happened, Phil. Ever."

"I know, I know," Phil said. "I was just making a point. But your name came up nearly every day since she went back to work, and most days it came up repeatedly to the point I was sick of hearing about 'Trevor this and Trevor that'."

Phil smiled then said, "Anyway, what I wanted to ask was for you to try and take a real interest in her. You know, maybe just be there for her. Be her friend while she's adjusting to being single again. I know she'll eventually find someone, and I'll work on trying not to let that bother me when she does knowing full well it will. But in the meantime, she really kind of looks up to you, even though you're a lot younger and all."

"Well, the feelings are mutual. Marissa is a key reason I'm still in business, and I have to admit I admire her, too. So sure, I'll be glad to do whatever I can."

"Thanks, good buddy. That means a lot," Phil told him. "Well, I should probably get going. I'm sure you've got better things to do than sit here listening to me yammering away about my self-inflicted troubles."

Phil stood up and when he did, Trevor did, too.

The two men shook hands and Trevor walked to the front door and asked, "So are you still running?"