All Comments on 'Danielle and Me'

I liked the story, overall. The settings and ideas were good. But you didn't spend enough time on the sex. It seemed like it was another part of the story. Erotica should focus on the sex, unless you're telling a grander story that contains sex, and even then, it should be fleshed out. Try reading an erotic anthology to understand my point. And keep writing. :D

Any one of these locations could have made for a decent story. You rushed through the whole thing. And then this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened; spend some time on the details.

you need more background and character development as to who they are and what their relationship was like before this. the main part of the story was really rushed you should have spent more time at each location. you could have had a page for them to get together the first time then a page for the camping trip a page inbetween the camping trip and disney and a page for disney add a page for after disney and you have five pages. think about a rewrite adding the missing detail.

slow down and build the plot as others have said. one thing that really got to me was her unrealistic reaction to him pulling her bikini off, seems she would have been embarrassed and pissed off at him and avoided him for weeks or months.little fuckups like that really ruin a story that could have been good. best thing you can do is DELETE it and rewrite it PROPERLY and use a GOOD EDITOR.

Not erotic or sexy, just a list of how many times they fucked, no frisson, no romance or build-up, no proper dialog, just 'hey, wanna fuck?' followed by 'Yeah, let's fuck, and by the way, just make me pregnant, why don't you, it seems like a good idea blah blah'. Juvenile and dull, 2.5 stars, no better than that. And do something about your punctuation.

This is why you are hated so much. The LIt site is for erotic and sexual stories you asshole . that's why they are written. If you don't want mindless sex go read a comic book and it will remind you of your life and marriage.

As was mentioned THIS is an erotica site. Look around and you should be able to find what.(But not War and Peace or Dr Seuss)

the thumbs down I give this story is that brother seems to be self pussy-whipped.

But it is your story tell it your way

A really good raunchy sexy fucking story.

You need to learn how to use more punctuation, it feels like these two are just robots. And try to convey a mental picture of the story through narration, instead of having the main characters vomit exposition back and forth until the reader can't keep track of who's speaking.

Fill my pussy.....fill my pussy......over and over again.

Discover some variation.....oral, anal....there is supposed to be some excitement here...not just making babies.

Teija ja minä nussimme Intiassa avioparina. Emme paljastaneet totuutta. Teija siskon pillun nussiminen on vapauttavaa seksiä ilman estoja.

You must be very young. So you are gonna knock up your sister then what? Keep on living with mommy and daddy? And your sister is good with that. Are you going to finish school? Your sister weres a nice teddy so you can say TAKE IT OFF SO I CAN FUCK YOU. No sense of caring. Like I say NOT BELIEVABLE AT ALL!!!

Nice story I can relate to that my sister and I live together we have 6 kids together all boys they are over 18 yr old all 6 boys gangbang their mom all 6 cum in her cunt ass Down her throat they even got her knocked up by surprise they said out loud we got mom pregnant

Teija ja minä nussimme kiimassa. Sisko tuli raskaaksi eli me toteutamme fantasiamme. Kunnon kiellettyä seksiä siskon kanssa.

Danielle and her brother has incest. Good story but what next, are the children going to be OK or deformed. They can stay together and fuck each other’s brains out. Hopefully the children are OK with the fact that their parents are siblings.

This was a poorly written story it was wam bam thank you mam there was no for play involved it was stick it and fuck without even getting her wet first it doesn't work that way it was to easy to tell this was written by someone who has never been fucked much less ever even touched a girl that way