Derek's Story Ch. 03

Jess, still in evil genius mode, gave us as much room as possible when she took her seat besides us. Knowing at this point, what she was doing, I looked over in her direction and mouthed the words "Thank you." She smiled and actually scooted over a few extra inches, further giving Jenelle and me our privacy in a packed gym. Her plan of ensuring that Jenelle and I would became an item was working, and she was going to continue doing everything in her power to make sure it happened.

The crowd continued to pour into the gym as tipoff continued to approach. While I did not want to leave Jenelle's side, nature calls, so I excused myself from the girls and went off in search of the restroom. I probably would have been able to hold it, but the constant glances from Kara were really starting to make me feel uncomfortable. A small part of me wanted to leave completely so I could put the night behind me, but with how things were going with Jenelle, and where I wanted to go with Jenelle, I knew that my best course of action was to stay. Upon existing the restroom I was suddenly ambushed by Aunt Tia.

"What the hell is going on between you and Kara?"

Taking a second to collect my thoughts, I retorted, "What are you talking about Tia" I purposefully left the aunt part out. I usually only called her that when I was angry, and now, while not angry, I was somewhat confused.

"Kara is in the locker room right now crying! I saw how she kept looking in your direction. What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing is going on.... we had a small argument, but that's all." Of course we also fucked a few times before she broke my hearts, but yeah, other than that everything was fine.

"That doesn't explain why she is crying Derek. What did you do?"

"What did I do? I didn't fucking do anything!" Oh, shit. I yelled and swore at my Aunt; the woman who had been my mother for the last 12 years. She didn't deserve that blatant level of disrespect from anyone, especially her own son. Damn, now I was really screwed. I could deal with being pissed at Kara, but having Aunt Tia pissed at me was another matter. Lowering my head I whispered in shame, "I'm so sorry Aunt Tia. I didn't mean to yell at you."

Before she could even respond, I walked away. She called my name a few times, but I just kept going. Fuck my life, all this lying shit was really starting to get complicated. Damn it Kara, why did you have to crawl into my bed the other night? Why couldn't you have left well enough alone? Thank god I had my own room on campus. If I had to return to the house that night I was pretty sure the girls would have killed me. After my little spat with Tia, I was even questioning whether or not I should return to my seat or just leave the gym entirely. I was sure I could come up with some excuse that would appease Jenelle, but what about Kara and Tia? As much as I hated Kara, I figured my leaving would only be harder for her to make it through the game, and that would result in Tia getting even madder with me. Tia, on the other hand, would probably come up with some sort of creative punishment (something worse that what I was already expecting already) if I were to leave.

Sucking up my pride, I returned to my seat and pulled Jenelle close to me. She seemed to appreciate the attention, and having her so close comforted me; holding her allowed me to get me through Kara's match. As the girls took the court my eyes glued on to Kara. I wish I could say that holding Jenelle was the only thing that mattered to me during the volleyball game, but that's a lie. Kara was the only thing on my mind. As the match progressed, I just went through the motions with Jenelle. I smiled, laughed when I thought she said a joke, tried to respond to her questions in a timely manner and allowed her to repeatedly rest her head on my shoulder while hugging my arm. To anyone who would have looked upon us, including Jess, we would have seemed like a happy couple, but I was doing everything just to keep up appearances.

I wanted us to be the happy couple. Even as I looked at Kara, I found myself hating myself for how I was only going through the motions with Jenelle. Jenelle deserved better than what I was giving to her in that moment. I found myself praying that this whole ordeal with Kara would solve itself quickly. I had to be a better boyfriend. When Jenelle and I were alone, everything was great. When Kara was around, however, she was all that I could think about. When the match concluded, I promised myself that I would make everything up to Jenelle.

As the game when on, I just stared at Kara. While the view of her in a volleyball uniform was fantastic; when I looked at her, I often found myself not looking some much at her outer appearance, but more towards what was inside her. Though she was my cousin, I always felt that she was somewhat shallow. Even when I was crushing on her, I just felt that internally she wasn't the nicest person in the world. It's true when they say that love turns someone blind to the faults of the object of their affection, but even with my blurred vision of Kara, I knew that she wasn't perfect. Now, however, something seemed to have changed. I had really hurt her. I guess we were closer than I originally thought. Maybe the thought that she had lost me; that I was no longer a part of her life, was too much for her to handle.

I genially felt bad for her, and honestly, I wondered if maybe there was more to her. What if underneath the beautiful exterior there was also a beautiful interior? Maybe she really did love me. Who knows? I was experiencing one of life's great lessons; that women are mysterious and a guy will never truly understand them. Perhaps there was hope for Kara and me yet. Hope for Kara and I; did that mean we could again become romantically involved with each other, or did that simply mean that we could put this week behind us, and start acting like family again? It would be nice to at least speak to her again. Even though I had been ignoring her for only a few days now, it felt weird not to have our usual interactions (interactions prior to us hooking up). I resolved myself to make an effort to at least talk to her when the match was over. It was probably best we talked anyways.

The match itself was actually pretty horrible. Kara played like absolute crap. Aunt Tia benched her after her third mental error. Seeing how terrible she played only strengthen my desire to talk to her. If anything, maybe I could give her some peace. As the buzzer sounded to mark the end of the match, I notice how few people took the time to look up at the final scoreboard. The entire mood of the gym seemed dampened as students began to clear out and head to their respective dorms. Holding Jenelle's hand in my own, we made our way to the locker room area to await Kara. I am not really sure why I brought Jenelle. I think a part of me was worried that Kara would potentially make a scene in public, maybe even expose our secret to the world. I figured with Jenelle there that Kara would potentially compose herself. Also, I have grateful to have Jenelle there for moral support.

As we stood there making small talk, the girls slowly started to filter out of the locker room. When Aunt Tia walked by, she gave me a look that caused me to shutter. Her anger towards me was clearly visible on her face. Even Jenelle was startled by the look. Finally Kara came out, tears still streaming down her cheeks. She looked at me, then Jenelle, before immediately putting her head down and letting out an audible wail. I walked towards her, placing my arms around her, while I stroked my fingers through her hair. As Jenelle distanced herself to give us our space, I pulled Kara's head up so I could kiss her forehead.

"I am sorry I haven't returned your calls, and for the way I have been acting. We need to talk. Come by my room tomorrow afternoon." I took a very deep breath before I continued; "Don't worry, you won't lose me."

I again kissed her on the forehead before wiping a tear from her cheek. I smiled at her before again pulling her in for a hug. She seemed to melt in my arms as I held her. For the first time in days, she began to relax. I broke the hug before again kissing her on the forehead. As her friends came back to collect her, she mouthed "thank you" before being torn from my side. I still had no idea what I was going to say to her, but this was a positive first step.

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What do you say to a girl when the only thing you want to do is fuck her brains out, even though she has caused you nothing but heartache? Do you throw caution to the wind and just plow right into her, or do you attempt to stand your ground and stave off her advances? Do you cave in and hate yourself later, or do you stay true and hate yourself now? These were the thoughts that whirled through my head, hours before I was even supposed to meet her. In my heart, I already knew that there was a possibility of something happening between us. If our short history was to be any indication, the over/under for us to start fooling around was about 35 seconds.

When I arrived in my room, I did everything humanly possible to help the minutes pass by as I waited for Kara's arrival. I made my bed, dusted off my furniture, folded my clean laundry and even reorganized my closet. I was thinking about finding a spare toothbrush so I could scrub my floor when I heard a knock on the door. Kara was here.

What do you do when a girl shows up in your room wearing nothing but a trench coat? No, no, no.....Kara did not show up dressed in only a trench coat, but if she did what would I have done? Thus far in my young adult life I have never experienced such a wonder, and well right before I opened the door, the thought of Kara in one sent a thrill down my spine.

Instead, she wore a pair of men's basketball shorts and a sweatshirt. It almost seemed like she was attempting to intentionally hide her figure. To be honest, I was somewhat grateful that she did; the less temptation there was between us the better. She entered my room, heading straight for my bed. After closing the door, I was unsure of her intentions. I chose to give her space, opting to sit in my computer chair instead of next to her on my bed. After I sat down, an uncomfortable silence overtook the room. Both of us had a billion things to say to each other, but neither one of us had a clue of where we should start.

As the silence lingered, I swore to myself that she would be the one to break first. She was the one who had caused this predicament in the first place, so she would be the one who got the ball rolling on her path to redemption. While I recently had begun to feel sorry for her, I was still very upset about how she had treated me. She still had a very long way to go before she was going to get my good graces. As more and more time passed, I believe she sensed that I was waiting for her to begin.

"Who was that girl you were with yesterday? She was very pretty."

Surprised by how she started our conversation, I answered, giving as little detail as possible. "She's just a friend."

"She looked like more than a friend to me" she retorted, barely above a whisper.

"Kara, why does it matter who she was?" I wanted to say more, but I figure a little civility could potentially help speed things along. Also, why did it matter to her that I was seeing someone else? I again thought about how she had denied my desire to be exclusive, causing my hands to involuntarily clench into a fist.

"It matters, ok" she said, showing visible signs of discomfort.

I had never seen her like this before. It felt weird looking at her, almost like, based on her demeanor, that she would never be cheerful again. Was she doing this sad bit on purpose? Was she trying to come off as pathetic so that I would feel sorry for her? Was she trying to get me to relent to her wishes? I began to feel my body tense up. I was growing impatient and needed answers.

"Why does it matter Kara? Why? You were the one that decided that you weren't my girlfriend."

All that she could muster was "Sorry."

"You're sorry?!?! Do you have any idea how badly you hurt me? Do you know how difficult it was, how difficult it still is for me to look at you?" As I said this, I stood in an effort to put extra emphasis into my words. It was time to find out why she did it. Was there someone else? Did she mean it when she actually said she loved me? Had this all been a game to her? I had to know why.

"Didn't take you long to recover then did it." She snarled back at me after I had finished my short rant.

Her words cut into my heart like a dagger. As much as I hate to admit it, she was right. I had been able to move on rather quickly. Wait, recover is not the right word. I was technically seeing Jenelle before Kara even hoped into my bed. Still she had a point somewhat.

"Why did you turn me down when I asked you to be my girlfriend?"

"BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAD ONE" she quickly retorted. Whereas before she was timid and uncomfortable, she was now becoming angry and more aggressive. If I wasn't careful this could have turned into a full on shouting match.

Seeing no other choice, I got down on my knees while taking both of her hands in mine. I had bared my sole once to her already; there was no harm in doing it again. "What do you want me to do Kara? I wanted you and only you, but you turned me down."

I could literally feel the anger leaving her body as I held her hands. Her shoulders began to droop and her stare again became locked onto the floor. "I don't know Derek, I just don't know." She paused to take a deep breath before continuing, "I just want to be with you."

I pulled her down to the floor so that we could continue at eye level. "Kara, if you wanted to be with me, than why did you say NO when I asked you to be exclusive?"

Instead of answering, she leaned in and kissed me passionately. Initially shocked when I felt her tongue trying to force its way inside my mouth, I hesitated before relenting and returning her kiss. My head began to swim in various directions as wave upon wave of thoughts crashed among the insides of my skull. As her hands began to reach for the bottom of my shirts, I pulled away. My body was ready and willing to go, but my mind wondering if maybe she was possibly trying to distract me from something.

I swear to god I hate my brain. Why does it have to come up with these ridiculous scenarios when everything seems to be working out for me? Why can't I ever just leave well enough alone? There I was, making out with my dream girl as she was starting to undress me, and all I could think about was that she was hiding something from me. I must have some sort of brain disease or something because any other guy in his right mind would have just gone with the flow, but not me. I just had to go and shoot myself in the foot for no reason, all because some stupid idea suddenly popped into my head. I really am a moron.

"What aren't you telling me Kara?"

Before she answered, she wrapped both of her arms around me, snuggling her head in my chest. "Please Derek, I just need you to hold me for a while."

FUCK! My brain was on to something. There was no way in hell that I could let the idea go now. She really was hiding something from me. There was something going on in her life that she was using as a catalysis to deny her own happiness. What could have been so huge that she was deliberately hiding it from me? Could it possibly have some effect on my life as well? I really needed to find out what was going on.

While stroking her hair I whispered into her ear, "I will always be here for you Kara."

I truly meant it. Even with all that we had been through over the last week, I was still in love with her; not just as a cousin and family member, but also as a lover. It's funny, but time doesn't seem to exist when it comes to matters of the heart. What had only been a week in both of our lives felt more like a lifetime of experiences. Even if we didn't end up together, I knew in that moment that we would forever be important parts of each others' lives. Our experience together had formed a bound between us. I knew that all Kara ever had to do was ask something of me, and I would come to provide her with assistance. I couldn't say if we would one day end up together. I didn't know if we could ever truly grow to be happy, but I knew that no matter what, I would always want to be there for her.

Placing my fingers under her chin, I gently pushed upwards until our eyes locked. Before I could tell her again that I loved her, her ringtone sounded. As she broke our hold to reach for her phone I stared, transfixed, as her facial muscles contorted from gratified to an expression of pure horror. Her sudden transformation scared me. Something was seriously wrong. I threw my arms around her in an attempt to provide some sort of comfort. My hug seemed to provide no relief as she started to wail into my arms. A river of tears ran down the sides of her face. My own heart began to melt as I felt incapable of doing anything to ease her suffering.

"Kara please tell me what's wrong so I know what to do." I somehow mustered as my voice began to crack. I felt powerless. Kara just continued to cry and I could think of nothing to potentially uplift her spirits. Like a chicken with its head cut off, I just aimlessly curled the fingers of my left hand through her hair while slowly stroking the contours of her back with my right. For the next ten minutes, all I did was hold her. I felt lost even though I knew that she needed me there. I felt confused even though I knew she would not want to be anywhere else. Still, I wish she trusted me enough to tell me why she was so miserable. I wish that I knew what she really wanted from me.

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Jenelle had taken it upon herself to claim me as her property so that the other women of our Economics class would know that I was off the market. Any opportunity she had to display a little public affection was another chance for her to show the world that I belonged to her. She plucked any stray hairs off of my jacket, she kissed me on the cheek during the middle of class; she even took possession of my hand throughout the entire lecture. I loved her possessive nature, and to be honest it felt great to have someone I called my girlfriend.

Jenelle was my girlfriend. We never talked about it or anything like that to make it official, but it was obvious to us, and those around us, that this was the beginning of a new relationship. So maybe I was in love with my cousin, but I had no idea really what was going on with that situation any way. For me, Jenelle was the exact opposite of Kara; whereas Kara was the fantasy, Jenelle was the girl that every guy wanted to one day meet. There was a part of me that felt disgraceful for technically juggling two women, but at the same time, I questioned whether I was actually juggling Jenelle and Kara.

As class ended, I was paraded into the hallway by Jenelle, who was still in full on possessive mode. After marking her territory again with a kiss, we made our way off to the local sandwich shop to grab a bit to eat, her arms wrapped around mine the entire way there. As we waited in line to make our orders, Jenelle kept up her overprotective nature, placing her arms around my waist while resting her head on my shoulders. She had little to fear. There was only one girl in the world that I would ever consider leaving her for, and even that would be a difficult decision. As I spent more and more time with Jenelle, I actually felt as if the scale was beginning to tipping in her favor. I knew that if I was ever faced with that decision, where I was forced to choose between them, I was no longer sure which way I would actually go anymore.