All Comments on 'Dominoes Falling Ch. 01'

There are a few errors which I found easy it enough to overlook. Looks a good tale which hopefully for our man will have the happy ending that looks possible with the admin staff. I'd like to see more please.

Some of the background information strains credulity. (Why would he marry her in the first place? Why would he sign such an onerous pre-nup? Why - even for a second - would he CONSIDER filing for divorce if the pre-nup says he has to pay the wife $5 millon dollars?) Pretty unbelievable stuff.

Still, I have faith, and will read the next chapter or chapters to see if and/or how the author explains it all. -- JRZ

just read the fucking story and stop you sad dumbass comments. You know everyone hates your fucking ass and the rest of you too!

As much as Melanie seems against it(her tears), she allowed it to happen and sided with her folks, let her suffer while he bangs vanessa

Weird enough to warrant my interest though.

She gets what she deserves for listening to her parents...

Finish what you start?

good start. lets see where you take it.

Please finish the story, you definitely have my interest.

I used Dominoes in my series - good luck with it.

Did you read this out loud to yourself? I get this site is free, but a reader shouldn't have to read paragraphs 2 or 3 ties to understand them, you seriously need to edit or get someone to do it. Could have been much, much better 2* for the lack of editing.

"Though the idea was lucrative" - Computerizing is "lucrative"? It might be lucrative for the computer company!

I wouldn't have used "surmised" either, "wondered" is better.

"It took Nathan a moment to realize that she intended her fingers by 'it'." - She didn't say "it," she said "these," and she wasn't talking about fingers!

I have to stop pointing out errors, this story needs a team of editors. I'll TRY to wade through it.

How does removing the pre-nup let him steal their fortune? Their assets have no bearing in the divorce.

"he wanted to have a hot shower," - He already had a bath?

He's worried about their reaction if he brought his lawyer in? Like they were so cordial anyway!

What would have been so terrible about confronting her, as long as it wasn't violent?

Even if his parents WEREN'T away, surely they would take him in!

Why drop his keys if he's planning on coming back for more of his stuff?

I appreciate the effort to make us wonder what is happening, and why. But all your creating is confusion and puzzlement, which is tedious and boring. I will wait to rate the entire work, once its completed and the plot can be understood. One more observation, communication failure or inadequacy is a lazy plot device. "Oh, why didn't you tell me? Well, why didn't you ask? But I thought you already knew! Well I thought I did know, but then I found out I didn't know. But I didn't know you didn't know, you know?" Just stupid, like teenage lovers trying to cope with relationship issues beyond their experience and intellect.

So, I hope it ends up being worth your effort. So far it is incomprehensible. Make sense?

So many parts made little sense. Someone suggested reading out loud. That's a good suggestion for any writer. Areas where you should have filled in back info, you didn't. It leaves the reader wondering what's happened and why.

And why would she be crying after behaving like that. 3*

that is all.

I would be more willing to accept the confusion if I thought it was deliberate, and not simply the result of incompetence. I give you this portion as an example:

"Wouldn't want these to get damaged do you?"

"It took Nathan a moment to realize that she intended her fingers by 'it'." - From the prior paragraph it's fairly obvious that she was talking about her breasts, this makes it seem like he's talking about her fingers! I had to go back to "He was captivated by it" to get the reference to "it."

To begin with, why would it take him a moment to realize what she meant? It was perfectly obvious! If he HAD to have the the statement, it should have been something like, "It took Nathan a moment to realize that she meant her breasts." "It" has no meaning here, because SHE never said "it," that was the narrator referring to her bosom!

Nobody knows why and how they got married! Your protagonist built a garage up in 8 years but he is to dump to pack a trunk and abandoned the wife. Even though the loss of a child is very painful her behavior shows she is no longer intrested in the marriage. So what?? Go on and live a happy life!!!

it is the seldom the case for me to anxiously wait for part 2; the second page of the story was just mind blowing; it is the last line that is the clincher; pure entertainment, great story; don't make us beg for part 2, please send it right away. It felt like a watching a movie, and the most important part thus far was the part between Nathan entering the house and leaving; Melanie wants to say something, she cannot; real suspense. Can't wait man. Please finish it.

What Detroit said

That was actually two typos the "it" in that paragraph should have been them/these, I admit it was a bit confusing at first but reading past it to see their relationship showed that she was making a joke or at best flirting, or setting up a possible future relationship. All that aside this is one of the few times that I would like to see a her side though I can kind of see where the story might go in regards to melanie, but I'd like to know, and maybe some background info on the marriage.

Yes, she was obviously teasing/flirting, but even substituting "them" for "it" the statement makes little sense, and why would it take him even a moment to realize what she meant?

Not to mention that that was just one of many poorly written passages in this story.

Why did they get married. The author never said. Who would be married two years and never had sex.

Author needs to fill in information to readers.

What a fucking waste of time...

Awful...

and unconventional, but if you post the succeeding chapter quickly it is possible to tie in and make some sense.

To divide it up simply made us realise just how bad it it. The entire chapter was a huge pile of miserable shit. Give up

I kept waiting for some background information. We got hints, a former boyfriend, social incompatibility, difference in standing in the community, her parents do not think he is worth the daughter. In the ending of part one, nothing explains why they have not had sex in 2 years of marriage, just tears from the wife?

Please proofread the whole of Part 2 before posting. Large parts of Part 1 make not sense at all.

Do not waste your time and energy trying to write, it is obviously beyond your ability.

Good story no matter what others say here. It is pretty clear what the couples back- grounds are and personally i think the same old bs about how "we met" is boring. Anyway my only observation is it sounded strange to have so much to pack after only two years of marriage. Looking forward to next post.

I don't like Vanessa's role in all this.

She is too forward.

In love with her boss.

Replaced Melanie already emotionally.

Vanessa Must Go

BUT

dear writer you are going to ensure that Vanessa is there to wipe his tears away, aren't you? I hate it! Too predictable!

When are Employees gonna learn that their place is Not in their boss' bedroom.

Nothing "sexual inappropriate" has happened so far but emotionally Vanessa has replaced Mel. If these 2 did lose a baby then I understand the emotional turmoil. I don't think all is lost. Our hero and Mel can find heir way back to each other.

Please dont allow Vanessa to creep into his life as a saviour. Too cliché. Too unnecessary. Too predictable.

Awaiting chapter 2. I enjoyed chapter 1, so dear writer don't make us wait too long before you post ch 2.

Thank you

Fuck off? No, they fucking can't find their 'way back'. She cut him off for two years. Os glad to be shot of him. Lets her parents humiliate the shot out of him. Rendered him powerless in their sham of their marriage. Why the fuck should he take her back? Fuck yoursrlf

Where is the next chapter

You cant please everyone, and if you at least please yourself than you have no regrets. Let them read or not read based on their interests, don't pander because if you do you will hate the idea of writing anything else.

Do you ever read your fucking work.Christ even a five year old knows to read what they have written

Words missing,terrible spelling and no structure.how dare you waste our time on crap and fucking lazy crap at that

What the hell was this about. Nathan has IQ of about five, and apparently his wife has no choice in what happens in her life. Very empty story.

absurd shit.

Great read so far and I am hoping for more of it some time soon.

If you finish the story, and that’s really up to you. Don’t submit it without a rigorous edit.

a continuation.

BTW - if you have a thin skin, then LW is a tough place to post.

Plenty fools here - me too, since I keep coming back...

Green-something.

Now then, finish the damn story!

I found it very difficult to make sense of this story! What or who died? Does Melanie have a voice in this debacle? What happened before the wedding and why would anyone who didn't take the short bus to school sign anything that said he couldn't have sex with his wife for 2 years LOL. C'mon and get some fucking commonsense into this story. The whole story could do with a rewrite when the author isn't stoned on whatever and an editor wouldn't be out of place! If you ever finish it that is!!!

But, I like enigmas if they are clarified at least partially. In the letters of a famous Lit contributor, FTDS!

Is there a point to this messed up story? No sequel, nothing to help the story progress after this sham of a first part. Chapter 1 of ? At this point, what the fuck does it even matter? We're obviously getting nothing 1*

finish it!

so where is the rest of your story come on you can't leave us hanging

Your character development is very interesting. I'd like to see where this leads.

Very interesting. I suspect that she is crying after getting the sudden realization that Nathan was not a wimp and could form his own destiny.

It need a continuation.

You had a great build up- terrible ending. Need's second chapter. In fact you even implied chapter 2 by naming this "Chapter 01"

Why on earth did you give up in the middle of a promising story??

i do hope you continue this

It would have been nice to read the second part of this. So thank you for wasting everyone's time

Why is she crying? She is getting what she wants. Strange story, never finished.

Don't you just love dumbass people that can't finish a story?

To anyone who reads these first.....and in this case I truly hope everyone does, run the fuck away from this dumpster fire.

It truly does suck..makes no sense whatsoever, pointless, half baked, meandering, etc etc etc.

Do yourself a favor, sticking a knitting needle in your eye would be easier on it than forcing it to read this.

What the fuck did I just read? How the hell did they even marry in the first place?

if theres no other chapters dont imply there is. complete waste of time.

Writing was good. Backstory not explained but thought would as story developed.

But it just stopped

We sure need another ftds.

This had great potential

English and sentence structure so poor as to make this story unreadable. Couldn’t finish the first page.

Proof reader. Grammarly. Weak, spineless, indecisive, emotionally disorganized.

Where's his attorney? Why allow the family to gang up at him at home.

Why the stupid solo packing effort?

This guy has the self preservation organizational faculties of a Jr High boy.

In a,word, he's pathetic.

Worse. The ending was a bridge built to know where.

Had potential. To bad he didn't take more time. Guess that explains only one entry.

Finish the story. You left them both hanging. Put another chapter of the story as he goes forward. Add something why her her family does not like him.

Could have been a good story if you had finished it. Gave a low rating only because it wasn’t finished.

WTAF?

How did I like the story? WHAT story? There WASN'T one, was there, just a prologue, a teaser, an intro, a trailer? Then... nothing... rien,, de nada.. or, for our transatlantic cousins, zilch!

What an effing anti-climatic waste of effing time... I should bill you for it!.

R.S.