Escape to Las Vegas

As soon as I could travel I cashed in all of my savings, said my good-byes to the friendlier girls, even thanked Jamaal, who may have been a pimp, but didn't abuse his girls, even protected them. I bought a bus ticket home, and as I boarded the bus realized that I had missed my period. The "morning after" pill hadn't worked.

As the bus made its way across the country, other passengers were added or some departed. Some sat beside me and tried to strike up conversations, but soon realized that I wasn't exactly a sparkling conversationalist and left me to my own tortured thoughts.

We were approaching my hometown and I was getting more and more nervous. I had no idea what I was going to do or even where I was going to go. Trying to see Josh was out of the question; I wasn't even sure about my own mother! She wasn't exactly thrilled about my abandoning my family.

Finally, the bus pulled into the station. I got off, grabbed my suitcase and looked around. Things didn't seem to have changed much in the two years I'd been gone, though it was certainly a culture shock after Vegas!

I still wasn't ready to face anyone, so I dragged my suitcase into the coffee shop next to the bus station for some coffee and a muffin. After my second cup of coffee, I decided I couldn't put things off any longer and I went outside to grab a cab. He dropped me off at my mother's house and I slowly walked up to the door, merely postponing the inevitable.

Gathering what scraps of courage I had left I rang the bell. "Coming," I heard my mother call out, then the door opened and there she was. Somehow, despite being a good six inches shorter than me, she managed to look down her nose at me.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," she said, "So you've decided to grace us peasants with your presence?"

I couldn't hold it in any longer and broke down in tears. "Oh, Mom! I've made such a mess of things! Can I please come in?"

She stepped aside to let me in, closing the door behind me. As I plopped down on the couch, she disappeared into the kitchen, coming back out with two cups of tea, mine prepared just the way I always liked it, and sat down next to me silently, waiting for me to speak.

I just sat there quietly sobbing, unable to speak, then I finally forced out between bouts of tears, "Oh, Mom, I've been such an idiot!"

"You're preaching to the choir there, Janet," she said, "What happened to all that fun you were going to have?"

"Oh, I guess it was fun at first, hitting the open road, leaving all of our cares and responsibilities behind," I said, "But once we reached Las Vegas..." Her eyebrows went up at that bit of news. "Reality set in pretty quickly. We had nowhere near the kind of money we needed to really enjoy Vegas."

I then gave her a very white-washed version of what I went through, and then dropped the bomb on her:

"Mom, I'm pregnant!" I cried, "and I'm sure the father is black."

I had obviously shocked my mother, but she recovered quickly and asked me what I was going to do.

"I... I don't know, Mom!" I cried, "Part of me wants to get an abortion, but I don't think the baby should pay the price for my mistake. If I keep the baby I wouldn't count very much on child support from the father, and I know Josh will never take me back, but I'm afraid that any relationship with him will be complicated if I'm raising another man's child, whatever the race. Right now, I think I will have the baby and give it up for adoption."

My mother nodded wisely. "Yes, that's probably for the best. Have you spoken to Josh yet?"

"God, no!" I said, "I'm terrified to even let him even know I'm back in town! How are he and the kids doing? Is he seeing anyone?"

"How nice of you to ask," Mom said, "Since you never called once in two years! Just for the record, yes, he is going out occasionally, but it's kind of hard to date when you have four young children to take care of!

"When no one heard from you for a year he got a divorce on the grounds of abandonment."

That started me off on a new round of crying. I knew what she was talking about, but when I was taking care of the kids, I had Josh to help me, while he was doing it on his own!

I was finally spent, and Mom helped me into bed where I fell into a restless sleep.

On Friday, we made appointments with an Ob/Gyn and an adoption agency, then sat down and talked about what I was going to do about Josh and the kids.

"Josh will be bringing the kids by tomorrow," she said, "Why don't you try to talk to him then?"

"If he sees me he'll probably bolt!" I said, "He may try to keep the kids away from you."

"Well, that's a chance we're going to have to take. I can't believe I'm saying this after what you did, but when he gets here tomorrow you go hide in the bedroom while I try to set things up."

I ran over and gave my mother a big hug. She was taking a big risk for me, I knew how much she loved those kids, this could all blow up in her face and she didn't deserve it at all!

I was a nervous wreck the rest of the day and tossed and turned all night, but managed a few winks of sleep until it was time to get up.

All I could stomach was a cup of coffee and some toast before we heard Josh's car pull up and Mom shooed me into the bedroom. Just as I was closing the door, I heard the front door slam open and four sets of little feet come running in with shouts of "Gamma! Gamma!"

I could hear Josh greeting my mother, I couldn't make out what he was saying, but he seemed okay.

After a while, Mom sent the kids out to the backyard to play. I peeked through the curtains and watched them play, cursing myself for the selfishness that kept me out of their lives for so long.

"You can come out now," I heard Mom say.

As I entered the kitchen Josh started to jump up, Mom grabbing his arm trying to get him to stay.

"What's she doing here?" he yelled, half-standing, half-sitting.

"Please, Josh," my Mom said, "Just talk to her, listen to her. After this morning, if you never want to see her or talk to her again, she... we'll abide by your wishes."

"That's a safe bet," Josh said angrily as he plopped back down in his chair.

I tried to take the seat next to him, but one angry glance from him sent me to the other side of the table.

After an uncomfortable silence, I began, "Josh, I'm not going to say I'm sorry..."

"What the fuck!" he almost hit the ceiling.

"You don't understand, Josh," I said, "I am truly sorry, but saying 'I'm sorry' now, after what I did, rings kind of hollow."

Josh gave a curt nod of agreement and settled back down in his chair.

"I'm also not going to ask you to take me back," I said. "While I might wish it in my wildest dreams, I know that my actions make that nearly impossible. God only knows that if you ever found it in your heart to take me back I'd be there in a flash, but I will never ask it of you."

"Then just why are you here?" he asked.

"There is a long story to that which I'll tell you sometime if you really want to know, but right now I'd just like to see our kids, to be a part of their lives if you'll allow me."

"What happened to 'They're your children now?' You didn't seem at all interested in having any part of their lives then!" Josh said.

I fought back my tears. "I know, Josh," I said, "You're right, I don't deserve any consideration. All that I can say is that I was young and very foolish. Believe me; I've grown up a lot since I've been gone."

"Well, I'm sure that you'll understand that 'believing' you isn't exactly very high on my hit parade right now," he said.

"I... I understand," I said, snuffling, "but where do we go from here?"

"For now, I think you should go back to the bedroom, I don't want to confuse or upset the kids until we've come to some sort of an agreement."

"I... I understand, Josh," I said as I headed back to the bedroom.

Before I closed the door, Josh said, "I'm taking your mother back with us. I'm going to leave her with the kids and come back and we'll talk. You should probably think about what you're going to say."

I just nodded as I closed the door. I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands.

Just what was I going to tell Josh? What could I tell him?

I was still lost in thought as I heard them drive away.

My mind was in such turmoil that I lost all track of time until I heard Josh pull into the driveway.

I walked into the kitchen as Josh poured himself a cup of the stale coffee and sat down wearily, gesturing for me to take a seat.

"Okay, Janet," he said, "You asked for this meeting... It's your show."

"I...I...I don't know where to begin," I said, "I know it makes no sense after the way I acted, but I miss my children, and I want, I need, a chance to re-connect with them!"

Josh just stared at me. "Re-connect?" he said, "Don't you have to have had a connection before you can re-connect?"

"Now, that's not fair!" I said, "Obviously, I was very wrong to take off and abandon them like I did, but before that I was a good mother!"

Josh was lost in thought for a minute, then said somewhat grudgingly, "Yeah, I guess you were, but do you have any idea what you're looking at?

"Josh Jr. is eight now. He couldn't understand why you weren't at your mother's. He started out upset, he thought that he must have done something wrong, but your mother and I reassured him that neither he nor his sisters had done anything wrong. At first, he was confused, but soon became angry. For the first year or so, he asked about you often, but he asked less and less until he hasn't asked about you at all for the past year.

"The twins, Alice and Amy, were only three when you left and really don't even remember you at all.

"Jane is six now, and remembers you a little, but once Junior stopped asking about you, she lost interest, too."

"I understand, Josh," I said, "but I've got to try!"

"All right," he said, "I won't stand in your way, but don't expect me to help you, either."

"I...I understand," I said softly, bowing my head and crying softly as Josh left to go back to his house.

True to his word, Josh didn't stand in my way, though he did actually help me in two ways.

First, he didn't bring all the kids at once, so that the girls weren't influenced by Josh Jr.'s anger at me; and he WAS angry! For the first few years I was back, he wouldn't have anything to do with me, refusing all my attempts to get him to visit with me. The most he would do, and I'm sure that this was Josh's doing, was to tolerate me when I visited the girls.

The second thing Josh did was to make sure that the kids didn't unduly interfere with my relationships with the others. Of course, there was some that couldn't be avoided, the girls certainly noticed when their brother went to his room whenever I came over, but Josh made it clear that he wouldn't stand for any bad mouthing of me.

The twins were the easiest. While they were puzzled by my sudden appearance in their lives, they were young enough to adapt, as was Jane. I thought that there would be more questions when they started school, but we were far from the only family with divorced parents.

Fortunately, Josh wasn't interested in hearing about my "adventures," but things almost went off the rails when I began to show and had to tell Josh about my pregnancy. Josh nearly ran out until Mom managed to get him to sit down.

"Josh," I said, "I know this is hard on you, and I wish it hadn't happened, but it has and I have to deal with it. I know it's been a struggle, but you've been able to come to terms with what I've done, and this is just the final piece."

Josh just sat there frowning with his arms crossed. I wasn't really sure if he was buying it, but I continued.

"I don't think we want to disrupt the kids' lives any more than we have to, so we'll need to sit down together with them to let them know I'll be leaving for a few months, but assure them that I'm coming back and will be calling home often."

Josh reluctantly agreed, and we sat down with all the children and explained what was going on, except for my pregnancy, of course!

I could swear I saw a smirk on Josh Jr.'s face, I think he didn't really believe I would come back, maybe he was hoping I wouldn't, but the girls were so sweet, they all wrapped their arms around me and made me promise again to call them, and I promised I would, and did call them every night.

After I had been gone three months, I made my regular call and Jane answered.

"Guest what!" she said excitedly.

"What?" I asked, thinking that she had a new little friend, or a neighbor got a new puppy or something.

"Daddy's got a new girlfriend!" she said, "She's real pretty!"

I forced out a "That's nice," while feeling my chances of getting back together with Josh slipping ever farther away.

It seemed like every time I called there was something new, it was "Mary this," or "Mary that." It got so that I dreaded the calls home, but I had promised my girls that I would call, and I wasn't going to break any more promises to my children, but it was hard!

Fortunately, I went into labor after my nightly call, so I didn't miss any calls, but I was barely able to stay on the line for the next day's call. The girls were very excited about something or other so the call was mercifully short and I could get some rest.

Just a few days after giving birth, as I was nursing the baby for one of the last times before I had to hand him over to the agency, my phone rang. When I answered, it was Jane, sounding very excited. I was hoping that Josh had a new girlfriend and that Mary was out of the picture.

I should have known that I couldn't be that lucky!

"Daddy gave Mary a big ring!" Jane squealed, "She's going to be our new Mommy!"

It was all that I could do to keep from dropping the phone. "Th...That's nice, Dear," I said, "Maybe I'll meet her when I come home."

"You will," she said, "Mary sleeps in Daddy's room."

My heart fell another notch. "Well, if Daddy likes her she must be very nice. I'm sure that I'll like her, too," I lied.

We said our "Good nights" and I simply broke down crying.

The nurse came in and took the baby. She must have thought I was going through postpartum depression. Well, she certainly had the depression part right!

A few days later, I was ready to be released. I expressed some breast milk, gave it to the woman from the agency and handed over the baby. I gathered my belongings and spent a few moments in the hospital chapel before going back to my apartment to prepare for my trip back to my mother's house.

As soon as I got there I called my girls, Josh Jr. was still very distant, to tell them that I was back. They were very excited and asked me to come to Josh's house to meet "Miss Mary." I really wasn't exactly thrilled by the idea, but couldn't see any way out of it, so I promised I would be over on Saturday.

I arrived at Josh's house prepared to hate Mary, but, of course, she had to be charming and welcoming, greeting me at the door with a warm handshake, smiling and saying, "Janet, it's so nice to finally meet you! The girls have told me so much about you that I feel like I already know you, I'm sure we'll be great friends!"

'I wouldn't bet on it,' I thought, as I said, "Oh, I'm sure we will." As the kids ran off to their rooms, the three of us sat down around the kitchen table with our coffee. Mary, to her credit, kept trying to break the uncomfortable silence, but it soon became obvious that we really didn't have anything we wanted to say to each other, and as soon as was polite I made my excuses and returned to my mother's house, calling out my good-byes to the kids.

As time went by, I found more and more excuses to avoid visiting Josh. Yes, I wanted to see my kids, and Josh Jr. had mellowed somewhat, but it still hurt seeing Mary take over the mother role in the kids' lives. A few times I almost ran out crying when I'd heard one of the kids call her "Mom"!

While I had pretty much given up any real hope of getting Josh back, and even had begun casual dating, I still nearly lost it when I got the wedding invitation. I, of course, sent my regrets; there was no way I would be able to even fake being happy for them.

I did help my mother take care of the kids while Josh and Mary were on their honeymoon, though it was hard listening to their stories about "Mama Mary."

My visits started tapering off, between my discomfort and the kids being more and more involved with other activities.

The breaking point was learning that Mary was pregnant. I told my mother that I just couldn't take it anymore. I got a new job and moved a couple of towns over. The kids and I still spoke on the phone, and they would sometimes come over when I would visit my mother, but the fact was that we were drifting apart. I was barely more than a close aunt, while Mary was their "Mom."

I dated some, but nobody could really compare with Josh, and I found it nearly impossible to form a lasting relationship.

Eventually I met Bill. I wish I could say that we fell madly in love, but honestly, the most that I can say is that we were "comfortable." Bill had never been married, but had been in several relationships that had ended badly, and for some reason I made it my mission, my penance if you will, to give him some comfort. After dating for several months, we got married in a very small ceremony with just my mother and Bill's parents in attendance.

We never had children, and settled into a comfortable, if somewhat boring life together.

I still have dreams of the life with Josh that I so casually threw away.

Epilog

We did keep in touch with Josh and Mary.

We were invited, and went to the kids' weddings, but Amy and Alice were the only ones to acknowledge me, and even then, it was Mary who got Mother of the Bride honors. Hell, even my mother, as Grandmother, was given more prominence.

I had never told Bill the full story about how Josh and I broke up, and he always wondered why I cried so much at the weddings.