Exploring Feelings Ch. 04

Chris got up and tried his best to hide his growing erection, but Amy saw it immediately, and felt it as he took her in his arms. She missed how that felt, and in that moment realized she was going to feel it again tonight. Without a thought, she moved her hand to his groin.

"Ohhhhh...Amy I don't think we should," groaned Chris, but he made no move to stop her.

"The rule was, I said when we stopped and started...well I'm ready to start again. I need it, I need to feel like a woman again," moaned Amy.

That was all Chris needed, in an instant all thoughts of his other life were gone, and everything became centered again on Amy and relieving the tension in his genitals. He pulled her into a passionate kiss and groped her body.

"You're so beautiful," he gushed.

"I'm ugly and fat," sighed Amy in a moment of self-doubt.

"No, you look better than before, more womanly," said Chris as he began to nibble behind her ear. "But I want to see your body," he whispered.

"Let's go upstairs to the guest room," said Amy breathlessly. She knew what would happen, it had to, and she just hoped her daughter would stay asleep for long enough.

Chris walked Amy backwards up the stairs to the guest bedroom, kissing her all the way. Once inside, they feverishly tore each other clothes off and scrambled on the bed. Not knowing how much time they had, and hot with desire, they wasted no time. In an instant they were naked and Chris was lying on top poised at her entrance.

He slowly sunk in and both groaned in delight. Even after childbirth, Amy's pussy was so sweet. And Chris' penis fit perfectly inside it. With a grunt, he quickly began to pick up speed, in and out, in and out, Amy meeting his thrusts with one of her own. It felt divine, for both of them, like always. At that point nothing else existed in the world except where their genitals were joined.

"Oh baby, this feels great...keep going, don't stop, I need it," cried Amy.

Chris could do nothing by grunt incoherently, words had left him, all rational thought had. He pounded harder and harder, eliciting the high pitched moans from Amy that he loved.

"YES...YES...YES!" chanted Amy as she built further and further to the massive orgasm that she needed. Nothing could stop her at this point she thought, until all of a sudden a terrible realization popped in her head.

"Chris, you can't cum inside me, I'm not back on the pill yet, Chris...oh god that feels so goooood...Chris please answer me," Amy pleaded.

The only response from Chris was more incoherent grunts at first. He just kept pounding, rapidly building up speed like a locomotive, steaming ahead to his goal, which was as always to blast Amy's insides with his cum.

"Chris, please you're gonna get me PREGNANT!" Amy shouted, but she was beginning to lose the fight as her orgasm began. She wasn't going to be able to stop him, and though she didn't fully realize it she didn't want to. Almost imperceptibly, she began holding him in place with her hands as he drove faster still and emitted guttural sounds.

However, at hearing the word pregnant, Chris slowly began to snap out of his sexual trance and process what had been said by Amy. He was so close, just a few more strokes and he would cum. And he wanted nothing more than to cum inside her. But his rational mind finally took over. He couldn't risk getting her pregnant, how could they ever deal with that? For once, he stopped himself from fulfilling a fantasy (perhaps the ultimate one).

With a groan of disappointment (from both of them), Chris managed to pull his penis out in the middle of Amy's orgasm...he gave himself one then two brutal strokes and roared as his cum blasted out of his piss hole and all over Amy's breasts and stomach. Feeling his hot load hit her, Amy finished her own orgasm.

As great as that felt, she still hungered to feel his cum inside her. She was glad he listened and pulled out, but even so she began to rationalize that it wasn't the fertile time of the month for her and it would have been OK. Next time, he was coming inside her, she made the immediate decision to go back on the pill. And that she would fuck Chris again.

After satisfying his desires, Chris began to feel his guilt rushing back. He loved his wife, but as soon as Amy touched his arm everything else was gone. He cursed himself for his weakness, but he knew where this was going. He suspected Amy was having the same doubts, but was surprised at what she said next.

"I'm going back on the pill tomorrow. I'll explain it to Brian, a lot of women use it for reasons other than preventing pregnancy. I need this in my life, as much as I can get it, for as long as I can get it. No one makes me forget my problems, or feel like more of a woman than you."

Little Kelly began crying, so Amy left the room to tend to her. Chris was dumbfounded at this; he had always counted on Amy being the one to know when they've gone too far. It was probably best to stop now. But having been inside Amy again, he knew he couldn't give it up just yet. Like before, he couldn't resist her, he just hoped he had the strength to stop it if she couldn't.

"You better go," said Amy as she came back into the room, "Brian will be home soon. He said he has time tomorrow, so he was hoping you could come back before you leave. I was hoping to see you again too." This was another fantasy of his, taking another's wife with the husband in the house. God help me, he thought, I'm an awful person. But he knew where he would be the next night.

So Chris came back the next night, and talked to Brian for a while and caught up with his best friend. They started watching some TV and Brian quickly fell asleep on the couch, tired from his long workday. Chris immediately began looking for Amy. He didn't have to wait long.

Amy had been watching from the kitchen, and immediately took the opportunity she was hoping came tonight. For the first time, Amy and Chris christened the basement laundry room of her house, checking off another fantasy for Chris. He managed to pull out again, despite Amy's protests, before Amy dropped to her knees and let him come in her mouth.

When he was in town for business the next month, there would be no pulling out. Amy was back on the pill, and invited him over in the afternoon, after his business calls and before her husband got home. For the next several months this was a regular occurrence, neither could get enough of it. They also continued to take more risks, including regularly having sex in the basement when Brian was home (usually asleep after a long shift at work).

It was thrilling for both of them, but Chris knew it was going too far. As he promised the night before her wedding, they had to stop if it was getting too intense. And this was going way too far; how had they not been caught already?

For Amy, she had come to rely on these trysts to get her through. With the baby and with Brian busy at work, she had thought she was going to have a breakdown. But being with Chris kept her calm; she didn't want that to end.

Once again, fate intervened, this time on Chris' side. Right before Christmas, Liz gave him the wonderful news that she was pregnant. Chris was overjoyed, having seen Amy and Brian with their daughter he knew he was ready to be a father. But he also knew he had to end it with Amy, at least for a while (he had long since stopped lying to himself than he could ever permanently stop this). He needed to be there for his wife and unborn child. He was sure Amy would understand.

She was upset at first, partly because she then realized Chris was still sleeping with his wife. She knew that was ridiculous, after all she was still having sex with Brian, who wanted to try for a second kid. But selfishly she wanted Chris to herself. The next time Chris was in the area, in January, he made excuses about why he couldn't visit. Amy tried calling him frantically, even calling at his home and risking Liz picking up. As time passed and she thought about it more clearly, Amy accepted it was over, at least for now.

Amy saw the irony in that the very thing she was trying to avoid through getting involved with Chris at first, having doubts later in life and risking her perfect family, is precisely what ended up happening as a result of getting involved with him. The law of unintended consequences, she thought ruefully.

At least for her, Brian was beginning to make his own schedule at work and was able to spend more time with his family. Once again, as Amy spent time with her husband she was reminded of why she married him. He was a good dad and a good provider, and they knew each other so well. She realized Chris had been right, it had to end again. He had to be there for his family like her husband was.

Amy went off the pill, and this time quickly got pregnant with her second child. Brian let Chris know the good news right as Liz was about to give birth to their first child, a daughter they named Jennifer. Once more, those intense feelings between Chris and Amy, that were so hard to fight in the moment, began to fade away as their attentions turned to their families.

But neither was naïve enough to think it wouldn't happen again. Both were sure they would have to confront it again at some point, probably when they least expected it. Each time, the stakes got higher and more dangerous. Next time, would they do something that could put everything they built in their lives at risk? Both were afraid of this possibility, but wondered whether even that would be enough to stop once their desires took over.

PRESENT DAY:

Chris sat in his hotel room and thought about that last part for a long time. They did end up doing something that put everything at risk, something that could destroy them and everyone they loved. Yet here they still were replaying the same patterns. In 2005, Chris had been able to recognize this and stop things, at least for a while, until fate and tragedy intervened.

Still, even their deepest, darkest sin (that neither were fully willing to deal with) had not been discovered, at least not yet. It had kept them apart for nearly 6 years, but it only took a chance encounter at the right moment to start all over again. Now they were rapidly heading down a course where its revelation became more and more possible, even likely. This time, Chris didn't feel he had the power to stop it. It would have to be Amy. But he knew one look at her and he'd probably fight like hell to keep her from leaving.

Part of him, most of him, was scared of what she'd say...that this had to be over finally. But he also needed to speak to her, either way it went there were things that he had to get off his chest. Things that they needed to say to each other, things that only they knew about each other.

It was at that moment that the knock on the door came. Chris opened the door and saw the saddest looking woman he had ever seen. In that moment, he knew what her answer was.

"I'm sorry Chris," Amy said fighting back tears. "This has to be it, finally. In the moment, last night was wonderful. Every time with you is wonderful. But it can't go anywhere, other than heartbreak and devastation for everyone we love."

"We can still make it work, like we always do. This time, I got too into it, I see that now. If we just take another break it will be fine. Then we can start again," pleaded Chris.

"No, I was where you are 10 years ago. I was ready to give up everything to be with you. But you knew better. We can't do that to Liz and Brian, or the kids. Unless we do a clean break, it will never be over," lamented Amy.

"As I recall, nothing changed 10 years ago when I broke it off. We still came back to each other, and look what happened. We survived that, we can survive this," Chris said defiantly.

"I don't want to talk about that...as far I'm concerned it never happened," said Amy.

"We can't just bury it. We were both in pain then, and yeah we messed up, but we also created something, a new life," said Chris.

"You don't know that...and how would we survive it if it did come out?" Amy replied.

"Every time I look at him, that you look at him, you know it's true. He has my eyes, my hair color. The dates match, how can he not be mine...how can you sit here and tell me that," Chris said, his anger rising.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY!" yelled Amy, much too loudly. Luckily most of the hotel guests were out for the day. "That he's yours?...I don't know OK, maybe...probably...Oh what have we done," cried Amy.

"I'm sorry, you know I didn't mean to make you upset, but we've been dodging this for 7 years, we can't anymore," said Chris as he moved in to hug her.

Amy didn't move to stop him, but she didn't calm down either. "What do you think can happen, what good can come of this? You think you can ride in and drop this bomb on my family, and your family, and everything will be OK? That you and me can live happily ever after, with our ex-spouses who hate us and kids who despise us?"

"I'm not saying that, I just don't want this to end. I'll do anything you want...I'll go away for 6 years again. Just please tell me this isn't over," cried Chris.

"No, it has to be now. If not now, when? It has to end when I say it's over, you always promised me that. I didn't realize that 10 years ago, I wouldn't accept it was over, and look what happened" said Amy.

"I leave tomorrow afternoon. At least come and see me one more time, for a proper goodbye. Figure out a way," Chris said, "If this is over, it needs to end the right way."

"I don't think I can get away, I'm sorry," she said.

"I seem to remember you making an excuse to come see me here at night, once before," Chris said bitterly.

"That was a mistake. You know I'll always care for you," Amy said then quickly pulled away and ran out the door.

Chris slumped back into his chair. Could this really be it, after all this time? His thoughts turned to what Amy said about 10 years ago. She was right, he had convinced himself it was over, that it had to be over. That time with Amy in her house, when they nearly made a huge mistake, had scared him straight.

It scared him because deep down, for a long time after, his only wish was that he hadn't come to his senses and pulled out at the last minute. He wanted to give in to his deepest, darkest urge, to make his best friend's wife pregnant, to give her a piece of him forever. He knew it was sick and wrong, and that is why he willed himself to end it. And for almost 3 years it worked.

Chris wasn't a big drinker, and it was still early afternoon, but his meetings were done for the day, so he poured himself a scotch from the minibar and sat down. He needed the alcohol to think back to the darkest period of his life, where circumstances led to Chris and Amy making a mistake, the biggest of their life and one they could never take back.

AUGUST 2008

Chris Barnes was deep in thought as he drove down the Garden State Parkway on a summer Friday. As always, the Parkway was crowded as thousands of beachgoers headed to various points on the Jersey Shore for the weekend. The Barnes family was no different; they were heading to a beach house in Sea Isle City, near the far southern end of the shore, just north of Cape May.

The house belonged to his friend Brian's boss, who was allowing Brian and his family to stay there for a much needed two-week vacation for the hard-working surgeon. There were plenty of bedrooms, so Brian had invited Chris and his family down for a week.

Brian and Chris had lost contact over the last few years, in Brian's mind this was more the result of their busy lives and growing families. There just was no time to get together. But he knew Chris and his family could use the vacation, given the hell they had been through over the last six months.

Hell was an appropriate word for it as far as Chris was concerned. The year started off with the greatest moment anyone could experience, as Liz gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. But their happiness in their growing family was destined to be short-lived.

In February, Chris' father collapsed at work and was pronounced dead before he could even be transported to the hospital. A massive heart attack was the cause; the doctors said he may have even had several heart attacks before this that he either ignored or didn't realize were a problem. Chris' father was never one to see a doctor, no matter how much his wife and sons prodded him to go, and he was a heavy smoker, so the fact that there were consequences for him was not surprising to his son.

But it had happened so suddenly, with so much left unsaid. His father was not a touchy feely kind of guy, who would tell you he loved you and give you a hug. Chris had no doubt his father loved him, but after he died he realized he couldn't really remember a time when he actually heard his father say those words, or vice versa. That was just how his father was brought up; men didn't share feelings like that, even with their own sons. But these unresolved feelings left a hole in his youngest son. He had promised himself he would never be like that with kids, that they would always hear how much he loved them.

Chris barely had time to process this loss before his mother began complaining of terrible stomach pains. The diagnosis was no better, a rare, aggressive form of stomach cancer. Surgery was attempted, but it was quickly discovered that the cancer had spread all over her body, to her liver and lungs.

They consulted the best cancer doctors in the country; Brian was an incredible help with his contacts, but nothing could really be done. Aggressive chemo was tried (described as "medieval" by one nurse), but it only succeeded in completely wiping out his mother and accelerating her decline. After an agonizing 4 months, she passed away in late July.

Out of nowhere, Chris was faced with the loss of both of his parents, at just over the age of 30. In addition to the tremendous grief, it also brought a deep fear of his own mortality; both of his parents, and two of his grandparents, had died at around the age of 65. If that held for him, had he already lived almost half his life?

His wife helped as best she could, but she was busy handling a toddler and two new young humans who demanded 90% of her attention. The unconditional love of his kids had helped Chris immensely during this period, but they also took his biggest sounding board away from him most of the time. Though he tried his best to hide it, Chris often felt rudderless and completely alone.

This vacation was doing little to help his mood. It was great for Brian to invite him, and he knew his wife and young daughter were looking forward to it (they had been through hell these last few months as well), but he knew it meant seeing Amy. Things had not ended great with them, Chris kind of just stopped returning her calls or texts, or visiting her during his trips. It was the only way he could think of to make her understand their relationship had to end.

Over time, Amy had stopped calling, and life seemed to return to normal. The few times they had been in contact, like at his parents' funerals and a few other functions, things had seemed fine between them, but they hadn't really spent any significant time together since he broke it off almost 3 years ago.

Both had added to their growing families, Chris with his twins and Amy and Brian had a second child, a boy named Tyler. Those responsibilities, in addition to everything happening with Chris' parents, had prevented any kind of outing like this, which had been frequent before. As he crossed over the Little Egg Harbor Bridge and approached Atlantic City, Chris wondered what the week would bring. He was less than an hour from finding out.

Sitting in the beach house looking out over the Atlantic, Amy Harris had similar thoughts. She was embarrassed at her actions after Chris stopped their affair, in many ways she acted like a lovesick teenager. After a month or two of moping, she picked herself up and moved on with her life. Brian was able to spend more time at home, which was always good, and she had her second child to distract her thoughts.