Exploring Feelings Ch. 04

In fact, Brian now was pushing for a third; he wanted his kids to have the same two siblings that he had growing up. Amy had gone off the pill and they began trying, but Amy wasn't so sure a third child was a great idea. Two kids were hard enough to keep up with, how would they handle three? Maybe she could ask Chris how it was, with his three kids.

Ah yes, Chris, despite everything it always came back to him. Her heart went out to him for all he had been through, being a former nurse she could only too easily imagine the horrors he had seen trying to care for his mother. They say cancer is often hardest on the loved ones; it can be an utterly helpless feeling watching a person you love slowly slip away and be unable to do anything about it. And the sudden death of his father only added to his sorrow.

Partly because of everything he was going through, Amy and Chris had never really had a chance to talk about things. She didn't want to burden him with more baggage, but honestly she wanted to apologize for her behavior. In many ways, she saw the growing estrangement between their families as her fault, this week would give her a chance to try and fix that.

Amy just hoped those old feeling didn't resurface, for either of them. Despite everything, she knew they were still there for her, and probably always would be. She had been intimate with this man on and off for almost 6 years; she couldn't help but have some kind of feelings for him.

But this was the first time she would spend significant time around Chris, this had never gone well (or had gone too well, depending on your perspective) in the past; they almost always ended up in bed together. And that devil on her shoulder always was trying to remind her it should happen again.

At that moment, she heard a car pull up in the driveway. Out of the car stepped Liz carrying the twins and little Jennifer, who was a ball of excitement at getting to spend time at the beach. Upon seeing Chris, Amy's heart immediately went out to him; he looked as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He forced a smile and gave her a hug.

"Nice to see you Amy," he said without much emotion.

"Hi Chris, how are you coping," she replied.

"As best as possible, this week should help, seeing Liz and the kids happy will be good," he replied.

At that point Brian came out and offered his greetings and help with their luggage. After taking care of that, Jennifer wanted to see the beach, so Liz took her along with the twins. Brian brought his children as well, leaving just Amy and Chris in the house. In previous times, they wouldn't have wasted this opportunity to be together. But this time was different.

Amy made coffee and sat down to talk. "I can only imagine what you've been through, Chris. No one should have to go through what you have these last few months."

"I guess they give the toughest guys all the worst stuff to handle," said Chris in an attempt at some humor. His mood quickly turned dark, though, "It does make you think about fragile life is, how it could end at any time. Makes you want to live life to the fullest," he said while looking up at Amy for the first time.

Amy recognized that look; it frightened and excited her in equal measure. Some of her most exciting moments in life were shared with this man, with that same look in his eye, a look of desire.

Chris didn't mean to look at her that way, but he couldn't help it. The longer he spent time with her, the more those feelings returned. He couldn't deny the part of him that wanted to throw her on the table and have his way with her. But he knew that time had passed.

Both spouses and kids then returned, and that brief moment passed. Most of the week passed by without anything of consequence happening, just a normal family vacation at the beach. The kids had fun building sand castles and swimming in the water, and playing mini-golf, and Chris' mood improved as he saw his family having a happy time. He didn't spend any time alone with Amy, mostly out of coincidence but partly by design. He would never fully trust himself around her.

Just a few days before the week ended, Brian got called back to the hospital on an emergency consult, leaving Amy behind with the kids to enjoy the rest of the vacation. Liz had her hands full with the twins as always, and didn't notice her husband's darker mood resurfacing. Usually, Chris would have sought her out, in many ways she was her rock. Despite just delivering twins, she went with Chris on every one of her mother-in-law's doctors' appointments, and even took her on ones Chris couldn't because of his work. But Chris felt he had already taken up too much of her time these past few months, he didn't want to take her away from the kids.

Amy noticed Chris staring out at the ocean on their final evening. She went out talk to him. "Penny for your thoughts," she asked, gently rubbing his shoulders in a comforting manner.

She had only meant it as a friend, but any time she touched him it always carried an additional meaning. Both of them chose to ignore it, for now.

"Just watching the waves," said Chris. Opening up, he said "Sometimes I can't help it, I just start thinking of my folks out of nowhere; they would have loved it here. I don't want to bring Liz or the kids down, they are having such a great time. Figured it was best to come out here and be alone for a while."

"You can always talk to me, I'm a good listener," smiled Amy. "You shouldn't feel like you have to go through this alone."

"I know, thanks," replied Chris. "How's everything with you, we've never really talked this week."

"Oh, the usual, most of my day is spent chasing two kids around," joked Amy. "Brian wants a third, but I'm not so sure, how is it having three kids?"

"It can be hard," replied Chris. "To use a basketball reference (Chris loved his sports metaphors), with two kids you can play man-to-man defense; you always have one parent for each kid. With three you have to play a zone, and that can be difficult."

"I don't think I ever would have thought of it that way, but it makes sense," laughed Amy. "I'll have to tell Brian that, he'll get a kick out of it."

"So you guys are trying again?" said Chris. For some reason, he wanted to know.

"Yeah, we just started," replied Amy. "But your husband kind of has to be here in order for it to work."...why on earth did I say that, thought Amy.

"This is why I didn't want to become a doctor," said Chris. "I knew the time away from the family would be tough." "But Brian's job provided me with a lot of opportunities", thought Chris before scolding himself.

Finally, Amy said what she had wanted to all week, "About my behavior a few years ago, I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for how I acted. You were right to end things when you did." As Amy looked up at Chris, with his brown hair billowing in the wind, she wasn't so sure that was true.

"Don't worry about it. I know it was hard, there were many times I wanted to call and see you. But I knew with time we would get through it," said Chris, although looking at Amy in the sunset was making him very uncomfortable.

Again, Amy picked up on the look...it never failed to raise her blood pressure. For some reason she had to ask, "Do you ever think of those times, because I do, all the time." At the same time, she placed her hand on his against the deck.

Before he could answer, Liz came out to talk. It was almost dark, so she didn't pick up on what was happening, and Chris and Amy covered quickly. But they couldn't deny those dark urges rushing to the surface.

Both went to bed saying the same thing, "I just have to get through one more night." Tomorrow both families were heading home. As Chris tossed and turned in bed, he never thought the night would end. He got up and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water around 1AM. Of course, there was another person in the house who also couldn't sleep, who he was destined to run into.

"Oh, I didn't think anyone would be up," said Chris looking at Amy in her t-shirt and shorts. She had gotten up to make a cup of tea. Chris couldn't help but stare at her, to ogle her gorgeous body...I'm in trouble, he immediately thought.

Amy had gotten up hoping she would run into Chris, and she had received her wish. Unconsciously, she had tossed out her bait, now she wanted to reel it in. "You're staring at me Chris, do you see something you like?"

"You know I do...but we can't do it. We can't start this again," whispered Chris.

"Let me make you feel good, if only for a moment, you need it after all you've been through, and I can still give it to you," said Amy as closed the distance to him and began rubbing his chest. "No one will know, and we can go back to our lives tomorrow." She leaned up to kiss him.

All his resolve melted away in that moment. He kissed back, hard, and lifted Amy onto the kitchen counter. He quickly disposed of her t-shirt and began kissing her nipples and the freckles that drove him crazy. But Amy knew they were too exposed here, anyone coming down the stairs would see them immediately.

"Not here," breathed Amy. "Follow me," she took him to the back room, being used as an office by her husband. She sat him on the couch and disposed of her shorts; Chris quickly removed his as well. Amy lowered herself onto Chris and sank slowly down.

"OHHHH..." both of them moaned quietly. Then they kissed, and neither moved for a long moment. Both realized this may be the last time they were joined this way, and they wanted to savor it. Slowly, Amy began to move up and down, up and down, much like she did that very first time nearly 10 years ago. Soon they fell into a familiar rhythm, the time apart doing nothing to lessen the knowledge of each other bodies.

"Mmm..yeah, you feel so good in there, where you belong," moaned an excited Amy.

"God you're still so perfect Amy," gushed Chris as he began to suck on her breasts. Amy picked up the pace and Chris bucked upward to her thrusts. Both of them felt an eruption pending, but then a realization dawned on Amy.

"Oh, baby, we may not be safe, do you have a condom?" said Amy while continuing to piston up and down on Chris' shaft.

"Uggh, god no I didn't bring any...didn't think I needed to," grunted Chris as he continued to hump upwards into Amy's delicious channel. It felt incredible to him, as always, he felt his balls stirring.

"Nghhh...I have to pull you out of me before you come," shrieked Amy.

"Uh-uh" said Chris somewhat uncomprehendingly. He moved faster and faster to a glorious release.

"Oh yeah, right there baby," Amy was so close to her peak...she was losing her mind in the pleasure.

"OH AMY...I'm gonna cum," breathed Chris...oh this was going to be a big one. But Amy made no attempt to move off.

"Amy, I can't hold it, I'm gonna blow," warned Chris...Amy just went faster. She didn't even hear him; she was too far gone to think of anything else but this man's sperm coating her insides. Chris figured it meant it was OK to finish like he always did.

"Here it comes," snorted Chris. He pumped up once and let everything go...it was like an explosion in his groin as his semen shot inside of Amy...once, twice, three times.

Amy threw herself forward and kissed Chris passionately as they came down from their highs. Suddenly, finally, Amy realized what happened.

"Dear god, you didn't pull out...why didn't you pull out?" cried Amy.

"You didn't say anything when I told you I was close, so I thought it was OK. Oh no, please tell me that was OK," said Chris as his stomach tied in knots.

"It's right before my most fertile time, I'm not sure. UGHHHHH, I lost my mind for a moment, I wasn't thinking...why didn't you stop me?" Amy sniffed as she banged on Chris' chest.

"OK, it happened, but let's not freak out. There are things that can be done, pills you can take, we can still fix it," reasoned Chris, as his blood pressure rose. Dear god, they had finally pushed it too far, was all he could think. I am going to lose my family, my life...how could I have been so stupid?

Amy was still trying to process what happened. She wasn't a particularly religious person, but something about taking a pill to stop a pregnancy seemed wrong to her. She was a strong proponent of a woman's right to choose, but being a mother had changed her outlook somewhat. As she sat there, she could have a life beginning to grow inside her; a life that could ruin everything for her, but a life nonetheless. She had no idea what to do.

But she didn't want Chris to know any of this. He was not to be any part of this decision. If she was pregnant, Brian would be the father of this child. So she told Chris what she knew he desperately wanted to hear.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it when I get home. As long as you take something within 3-5 days, it'll be fine. You should go back to your room," she told him.

"OK, OK," said Chris nervously. He was relieved, but also a little sad...he had similar feelings to Amy on the subject. Mostly, he was frightened, almost like a little boy. For a few seconds of pleasure he had potentially just ruined his family. All he wanted was to take them and drive 100 miles an hour away from here. He forced himself to calm down and try to get some sleep.

As morning came, Amy and Chris did not speak about the events of the previous night. In Chris' mind everything had been decided, and he still just wanted to get out of there, as soon as possible. Amy said her goodbyes to him and his family and began to pack her family for their trip back home. The whole ride back she went back and forth in her mind on what she wanted to do.

The next day, she pulled into the parking lot of a CVS...not one anywhere near her neighborhood. She didn't want anyone she might know to potentially see what she might be buying. She went in, then came back out, then in again. She began to be stared at by the incredulous employees, talking to themselves about the crazy woman who kept walking in and walking out without buying anything.

Something in her mind, in her heart, prevented her from making that ultimate purchase. She couldn't bring herself to do it, even though she knew the potential consequences. In the low chance that she had conceived a life already, she had to bring it into the world. Maybe that was the ultimate punishment for her behavior.

That night she made love to her husband, and the night after that, during what she calculated were her most fertile times of the month. She was not shocked when the test came back positive the next month. Her husband was overjoyed; Amy just tried to not think of it for the next nine months.

When little Johnny was born, she noticed the brown hair immediately, and knew what that possibly (likely?) meant. It didn't mean she loved him any less; he was hers the minute she laid eyes on him. Brian didn't think anything of it, and she knew he wouldn't. It was certainly possible for two blonde haired people to have a child with darker hair and darker eyes, so long as they carried the right genes. Brian could well be the father, she thought. And he would be, in any event. When Johnny cried, or got sick, or wanted to play catch, Brian would be the one there for all those things. Isn't that what fatherhood meant?

Chris put the pieces of his life back together, trying hard not to think of his mistake at the beach. Sure, he knew Amy was pregnant now, but he was certain it couldn't be his. However, logging on to Facebook after the birth and looking at pictures of the third Harris child, he couldn't shake a nagging feeling. He had brown hair, and those looked like his eyes. Maybe he was crazy, his wife looked at the same pictures and didn't notice anything; obviously he didn't ask but he thought he would notice if she had any suspicions. But he just couldn't shake the feeling, he had to know. His heart in his throat, he placed a call.

"Amy, its Chris, I need to ask you something. I saw the pictures of your son, maybe it's just me and I'm crazy, but there isn't any chance he's mine?"

"Don't worry, Brian will be the father of the baby," said Amy, answering the question without really answering it.

"That wasn't really what I asked, I think you know that," retorted Chris.

"You have no responsibilities here, Chris, you're clear," said Amy. "I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to take the pill. It was likely too early for me to get pregnant then anyway. I know how Johnny looks, but I'm almost certain Brian is the biological father."

"Almost certain" was not a phrase that provided Chris with any relief, but he didn't know what else to do. If he pushed any further, he was risking destroying his own family. He could only imagine Liz's response to all this. He decided to let it go.

As time passed, the Barnes and Harris families began to lose contact. Part of it was simple, at least from the outside. Often times, the people you were close to at one point in your life you drift away from, especially if you lived a great distance from each other and began to raise families. As children grew, weekend soccer games and ballet recitals began to take over your life.

And so it was with these two families. Eventually visiting was replaced by occasional phone calls, or checking in on Facebook, to no contact at all without any real reason why. Except that there was a real reason, at least for two people.

Both Amy and Chris cursed themselves for their weaknesses, all along they had assured themselves they would stop things before it got too bad and they did something they couldn't fix. In the end, they may have indeed done just that. This time, without saying anything to the other, they knew it was over.

PRESENT DAY:

Chris drunkenly stared at his phone, as day turned into evening. Having wiped his mini bar of any trace of alcohol, he realized now that Amy was not coming back tonight. He couldn't accept that. Frantically, he called her number, then again, then again. No answer. He sent text after text after text, pleading to see her one more time. None received any response. Finally, in a drunken stupor, he passed out.

The next morning, his head was no clearer, but he had to get out of this place. Amy was not coming back at all, it was over; he needed to come to terms with this. He faked his way through his meetings as best he could, and at the end of the day began the ride back to his home for the weekend. Upon arriving, he threw his keys and phone on the counter, and made a beeline to his bedroom. His wife passed him on the steps. She had just gotten the kids tucked into their beds.

"Hon, you look like hell...what happened?" said Liz worryingly.

"Must have been something I ate last night, I just need to take a shower and then go to bed, if that's OK," said Chris; it was the best he could think of in the moment.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll make some soup and bring it up to you. Don't worry, I'll take care of you like I always do," she said giving him a big kiss.

"Thanks," he said. His wife was the kindest, most caring woman he knew. She always took care of others before himself. He knew he didn't deserve her, but he also knew he couldn't live without her either. Slowly, as he showered, he began to process everything with Amy. She was right, it needed to be over, in the moment he had been stupid but now he realized that was what he wanted to. He promised to devote himself to his wife, his family. They deserved 100% of him, not what he had been giving them.

As Liz went into the kitchen, she realized she should call a babysitter to watch the kids for a while on Saturday morning. She wanted to devote some time to giving her husband a little TLC. Absentmindedly, she picked up the first phone she saw. At first she didn't realize it was her husband's, and began to dial the babysitter with it, but as she looked at it and saw it was Chris', her eyebrows raised.