Faith Falls

I didn't even want to sit with Hannah at lunch, because I didn't want her to see how mopey and miserable I was. No sense alienating my one friend at camp. I sat at a table by myself in the cafeteria, and Hannah immediately began making hand signals to show me that she wanted me to eat at her table. I simply waved and stared at my food while eating by myself. Hannah was sitting with a group of girls, but she took her tray and came over to my table.

"You all right?" she asked as soon as she sat down across the table from me.

"Not really. I got in an argument with some of the guys last night," I said in a low voice.

"What about?" Hannah leaned over her tray in order to be able to hear me more clearly. She pushed her glass of orange juice about an inch with her chest, and for a split second I thought the glass would be knocked over. It didn't, though, and Hannah tried to pretend it didn't happen. I thought I caught her blushing, though.

"They said that the guy who was supposed to be in my cabin, some guy named Frank, wasn't allowed to be a counselor this year because I took his place. They all hate me because of that," I said, still mostly staring at my food rather than looking her in the eye.

"I remember Frank from last year. He was just like those guys," Hannah said.

"Great."

"I don't really mean that in a good way. He was kind of loud, kind of obnoxious. He had this thing where he would teach a girl to canoe... you know, one of the girl counselors, not a camper. Anyway, he'd always find some way to tip her canoe. And I think he did it because, you know, it would make their t-shirts all wet... and see-through." Hannah was definitely blushing after that. I had a feeling that she was more like me than I had originally thought. Maybe she was as shy and inexperienced as I was about sexual things. I had been shocked to see, or, rather, hear, how sexually experienced the counselors at this camp appeared to be. This had been yet another source of insecurity for me, and I think that had something to do with why I was so willing to fool around with Jessica. However, I didn't feel any more mature than when I arrived here. I just felt that I had wasted my first encounter of any sort of a sexual nature with an ugly, mean girl. I was still a virgin, though; at least she hadn't taken that from me.

"Did he do that to a lot of girls?" I said. I wasn't sure why I was asking that.

"I guess so," Hannah said. She bit her lip and looked at her tray for a few seconds. "He did it to me."

"Really? I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she said. "I should have known better. I was stupid then. I think I had kind of a crush on him."

"Great."

Hannah seemed to detect my jealousy, because she didn't say anything for a while. I felt bad for saying it. I was jealous, though, and a little bitter. I thought, why couldn't a girl like her ever "get a crush" on me? Why is it always sexually aggressive guys like Frank, who does things like that?

"I'm sorry, Hannah, I wasn't trying to be mean."

"It's okay, you weren't being mean," Hannah said, and she placed one of her sandal-clad feet on top of my right foot. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm glad you're here and Frank's not."

"You are?" I said, and I felt a smile form on my face. Hannah smiled back.

"I am."

We didn't say anything for several minutes, until I remembered my parents' visit.

"My parents are coming to visit me today," I said.

"Cool! Can I meet them?"

"Do you want to?"

"Of course! Are you going to give them a tour of the camp?"

"I don't think so. They've been here before, on church retreats and stuff. Plus they used to drop me off and pick me up when I was a camper here," I said.

"You were a camper here?"

"Yeah. I used to come here for a week every summer. I loved this place. That's why I wanted to be a counselor."

"I used to come here once every summer, too," Hannah said. "Who knows? Maybe we were here the same week once or twice."

"Maybe," I said, and I started to search my memory banks for any recollection of a girl like Hannah in my years as a camper. "I probably would have been too shy to say hello, though."

"Me too," Hannah said. "Especially with boys. Did you ever have a camp girlfriend?"

"No. I've never had any sort of girlfriend, camp or otherwise. Kind of pathetic, huh?"

"No, it's not. Sometimes it's better just to wait for the right one," Hannah said.

"Sure, but by the time the right one comes along, I won't know what to do with her," I said. I didn't realize at first that what I said could be taken in more than one way. I hadn't intended it in a sexual way, but Hannah's face turned red and it dawned on me what I had said.

"I mean, like, I won't know how to talk to her or anything, and she won't want to be my girlfriend." I was trying to dig myself out of a hole. Hannah started to giggle. I felt relieved when she laughed because I was afraid she would be angry with me. I started to laugh as well.

My parents arrived a few hours later, and I met them just outside the meeting hall. I shook my dad's hand and hugged my mom. They handed me a "care package" which contained some cookies, gum, chips, and other assorted items I had been mostly living without. We sat on a bench outside, enjoying the mild Saturday afternoon temperatures.

"You're finally getting some sun," my mom said. "It looks like you're getting in shape, too. Are you doing a lot of activities and stuff?"

"I guess. Mostly I end up supervising, though. I want to learn to canoe, but I haven't yet. I play a lot of kickball with the kids, mostly," I said.

"So you're having a good time?" she asked. My stomach seized up. My parents both stared at me for what felt like several minutes.

"I don't know."

"What?" my dad said. "How do you not know?"

"It's complicated," I said.

"Why? What's going on?" my mom asked.

"Well, I mean, I enjoy being a counselor, but I don't get along that well with the other counselors... most of them, I mean. A lot of them know each other, and they don't know me, and they're sort of... stand-offish with me, I guess."

"You don't know any of them from coming here all these years?" my dad asked.

"No. I know a few of the administrators, but none of the counselors. But it's okay. I'm getting by. The campers have been great."

"Well, that's good, then," my mom said. Her face still had some concern in it.

Just then, Hannah appeared. My parents both looked at her as she approached, thinking she was just happening to walk by at that moment.

"She's pretty," my mom said.

"That's Hannah. She's one of the few people here that has been nice to me," I said. I wasn't able to take my eyes off of Hannah as she approached. She waved when she got closer, and I waved back sheepishly.

"Hi, Tim's parents!" Hannah said excitedly, "I'm Hannah! It's so nice to meet you!" She hugged both my mom and dad, and then sat on the bench next to me. Very close to me, I felt, like a girl would sit next to her boyfriend.

"It's nice to meet you too, Hannah," my mom said. "Are you keeping our boy out of trouble?"

"Mom!" I said in mock embarrassment. I saw in both my parents' eyes that they noticed how close to me Hannah was sitting. I wondered why she had done that. It wasn't as if... oh God, could it be possible? No, no, don't be stupid. But it feels nice, even if it's not real. My mom and dad looked at each other. I looked at Hannah, trying to see if she noticed my parents' reaction. She was just smiling. Her smile was beautiful, pure.

We walked around camp for a while. My parents wanted to see my cabin. Hannah stayed close to me. It felt good to have her so close. I started to allow myself to wonder what it would be like to have her as a girlfriend. I still felt that it wasn't possible, but I was now allowing myself to daydream about it.

Every once in a while we passed one of the other counselors, who made a display of being kind to me. A few of them seemed to be surprised to see Hannah walking with me. I figured I would hear about that from them later. Oh well, I thought. Can't help that now.

When we passed the lake, my dad asked Hannah if she knew how to canoe.

"I know enough to move around slowly. At least I don't just paddle around in a circle anymore," she said sweetly.

"Then maybe you can teach Tim to canoe. He says he wants to learn how," my dad said. I was embarrassed and blushing.

"Oh really now?" she said, looking at me. "You're not afraid I'm going to tip your canoe, are you?"

"I don't know. Is it easy to do?" I said.

"Pretty easy. I've had it done to me before," she said, and elbowed me.

About an hour later, Hannah and I waved at my parents as they pulled out of the parking lot. When they had disappeared from sight, we just stood there a few minutes, looking at each other.

"Thanks for being so nice to my parents," I said.

"No problem. I like them."

"I think maybe they think you're my girlfriend now."

Hannah smiled. "And what would give them that idea?" she asked.

"You know, like how you were sitting close to me," I said, "And when we were walking, you were sort of walking close to me."

Hannah smiled and sort of looked away. "I just thought that maybe they'd see you're okay, and that they don't have to worry about you."

"Oh," I said, feeling slightly sad again. I wanted to follow it up with "Is that all it was?" but I already knew the answer would be something like, "Yes, of course? What did you think it was?" I looked off in the distance, not wanting her to see the disappointment in my face. In my peripheral vision, I could see her trying to read my expression.

"Tim..." she said, "It's just..."

"It's okay, Hannah. I like being friends with you. That's all I want," I said, hoping I didn't sound too upset. Hannah looked confused but she just nodded her head in response. We walked to the dining hall together, not saying anything on the way. She was still staying close to me. When I caught sight of someone in the distance, I thought she'd pull away, but she didn't. She just walked next to me, almost touching my arm.

That evening, after dinner, Hannah gave me my first canoeing lesson. The crickets were chirping loudly, and the light was fading. I sat in the front of the canoe, and Hannah sat in the back, taking the responsibility of steering while instructing me on what to do. We were out on the lake until it got too dark to be safe, so Hannah turned the canoe around and guided it back to shore.

"Not bad for your first time out, Tim," she said as we approached the boat storage area. I saw a group of counselors walking along one of the paths that skirted the lake shore, and they pointed at us and talked in hushed voices. I glanced back to see that Hannah had noticed them as well. To my surprise, she was smiling, and when her eyes met mine she smiled even bigger.

We dragged the canoe onto shore, and stood there for a few minutes, just looking up at the night sky and listening to the crickets. I could never see all the innumerable stars in the skies of West Chester, but we were in a remote enough area that there was no light pollution from the city.

"I never get used to it," Hannah said, and she stepped very close to me.

"Me neither. It's really amazing."

"It's hard to believe they're up there all the time, but we throw so much light into the sky that it keeps them from us."

"Yeah," I said, "I think that if I lived the rest of my life out here, I'd never grow tired of looking at it."

Just then, I felt a warm hand slide into mine. Hannah's fingers interlocked with my own, and I felt an incredible happiness wash over me. I didn't know what this meant, but we were sharing some sort of special moment. I looked at Hannah, and she was smiling at me sweetly.

I heard some footsteps behind me and to the left, and when I turned around I saw two female counselors walking by on the dirt trail, about twelve feet away. They looked at us as they walked by, but didn't say anything. When they had passed out of view --it was getting dark by now-- Hannah let go of my hand and looked up at the sky again.

I immediately felt confused. Did she only grab my hand because she heard the two counselors approaching? Was it only a show? Did it actually mean nothing?

My heart sank a little. I started to feel like maybe Hannah just felt bad for me, that I was some sort of charity case for her. It wouldn't have been the first time. After some moments of silence, I felt like I had to know one way or another.

"Hannah?"

"Mmm hmm?"

"What was that? I mean, with you holding my hand?"

"I, I guess I was swept up in the moment," she said, with a slight laugh. She looked away, embarrassed.

"Oh," I said, and looked down at my feet.

"What? Is something wrong?" Hannah asked, and I glanced up at her face long enough to see that she was concerned. The light was still in her eyes, but it was starting to fade.

"I don't know," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"Tim," she said, dragging out the word in a tone that struck me as sounding somewhat exasperated.

"It's okay, Hannah, I don't want to spoil this moment. I'm enjoying the evening with you."

I thought that she would accuse me of being passive-aggressive. She didn't. She did, however, stare at my face for a long time, as if trying to read it.

"I'm enjoying it, too, Tim. I like being around you."

"Really?" I asked. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, but I knew she wouldn't be able to tell in the moonlight.

"Of course. Otherwise, why would I be here with you?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I worry that maybe you just feel bad for me."

Hannah made a sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a laugh. "You should have more confidence in yourself," she said. "I'd rather be here than anywhere else right now."

I didn't know why she spoke such kind words to me. I wished that I could believe them, but it just seemed so unlikely that a girl like that could feel anything but pity for me. Part of me wanted to push my luck and see if I could kiss her, but I decided to just let the moment happen and directed my gaze at the sky again. Hannah followed suit and we both stared at the sky without speaking for several minutes.

I don't think either of us wanted to break the silence after that. We knew it was getting late and that we needed to get back to our cabins, but neither of us wanted to say goodnight. At least, I knew I didn't, and somehow, despite my lack of confidence, it appeared to me that Hannah felt the same way. But eventually one of us would have to say something, and it turned out to be her.

"I guess we should probably try to get some sleep while we can. I don't know about you, but I don't get much sleep during the week when there are kids in the cabin. It's like I have to sleep with one ear open."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I said, chuckling, "I have to keep telling the boys to shut up and go to sleep, and it seems like about 1 o'clock before they stop talking or whispering entirely."

"I was pretty much the same way, though, when I was just a camper here. Maybe it's revenge for what I put my counselors through," Hannah said, and we both laughed.

"That's got to be it!" I said. I think I was beaming.

"Anyway... I had a good day today. Thank you," Hannah said, and she grabbed both of my hands.

"I'm glad," I said. "I had a good day, too."

"Listen, I know we don't have much free time tomorrow before the campers get here," she said, "but do you think you'd like to go for a swim around two o'clock, if the weather is nice?"

"Ye-yeah," I said, "That would be great."

"Cool. Are you a good swimmer?"

"I guess so. I haven't drowned yet."

Hannah giggled. "Maybe we can have a race. Winner gets a million dollars."

"You're on. That million is as good as mine," I said.

"Okay, seriously," Hannah said, "I really need to go to bed. And so do you. So I'll see you tomorrow?"

I nodded, and we stood there smiling for a few more moments before she waved and said "Goodnight." Then she turned and walked in the general direction of her cabin. I watched her as she walked away, until she was swallowed up by the growing night. I felt very happy, and I walked back to my cabin in a bit of a daze.

Even though Hannah and I were to go swimming in the afternoon, we managed to run into each other in the morning. Because it was Sunday and Faith Falls was obviously a Christian camp, they had a sort of worship service in the meeting hall, which was actually a large screened-in pavilion. Hannah usually sat with a group of girls, generally the same group she would eat meals with when she wasn't sitting with me, and I would steal glances at her from my seat towards the back. But on this Sunday, Hannah sat next to me. Her hair was down over her shoulders rather than pulled back, and she looked radiant. We were required to wear somewhat formal clothing to the worship service out of respect for the occasion, so I was wearing a button-down shirt and comfortable but respectable pants, and Hannah was wearing a tan skirt and a white blouse. Her skirt came to just above her knees. Even though I had seen her in shorts pretty much every day of the summer, I was still somewhat struck by how sexy and toned her legs were.

After the worship service, we walked to the cafeteria together and sat across from each other. We talked and laughed so much that it felt as if we were in our own little bubble. Occasionally I noticed the glances of other counselors, but I was too enraptured with being in Hannah's presence to care what they were saying. I felt as if I might be falling in love with this girl, though I had never been in love so I wasn't really sure what it should feel like. But it was certainly an intense feeling, and I was quickly forgetting my awkwardness and finding a confidence in my walk and speech that I had been lacking. As Hannah brought this out of me, she seemed to enjoy being around me even more, to the point where I was almost afraid she'd hurt herself by smiling so much.

It was a little before two o'clock when I arrived at the swimming area in my swimming trunks and flip-flops, carrying a towel. The swimming area at Faith Falls was a shallow, roped-off section of the far end of the lake. It was not close to any of the cabins or other buildings, but instead was tucked away in a corner of the lake by itself. There was a large dock in the middle of the swimming area, and on the dock was a slide. The two sides of the area that touched land were sandy, though I don't know if the sand was a natural feature of that part of the lake or if it had been trucked in from somewhere else. The sand here was smaller and less caustic to the feet than the sand anywhere else around the lake, which tended to be peppered with little jagged rocks and pebbles.

I walked onto the "beach" and lay my towel on the ground. I kicked off my flip-flops and stretched my arms and back while enjoying the feeling of the warm sun on my chest. After a few minutes I saw Hannah approaching me, wearing her shorts and t-shirt. At first I was afraid she was coming to tell me that she wasn't going to swim with me today, but then I noticed that she was carrying her towel. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail again, and she appeared to be smiling shyly as she approached. I just stood there absentmindedly, watching her.

When she was within earshot, she said, "How's the water?"

"I haven't tested it yet," I said, and I walked to the water's edge and dipped my right foot in. "It's pretty warm today."

"Good," she said. She was staring into my eyes. Normally this would have made me self-conscious, but I felt comfortable with her. Hannah dropped her towel next to mine and removed her shirt, exposing the top of her blue bathing suit. This was the first time I had seen her in this kind of outfit, since I had rarely gone swimming that summer and never at the same time as her. I was struck by the size and shape of her breasts beneath the stretchy fabric, and the way it tapered to her trim waist and stomach. She seemed to notice my gaze and smiled shyly again. She hooked her thumbs into the elastic waistband of her shorts and then stopped.