Falling Down

I nibbled at my lip and nodded my head, "Yeah... it was... fuck it was really good."

Her mouth was on mine suddenly, her body urgent against mine. I just wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer, life was too fucking short...

Chapter 31

Lunches were the most awkward time of my new life. Not having a car, and my school being pretty much in the middle of nowhere, I was stuck on campus. Once a week, I went to lunch with Karly and her friends. I hated every minute of that. It always felt so awkward and forced. They were high class kids. Rich. Pretty. Pretty much everything I wasn't. Sitting there with them I always felt like the ratty charity case. They were nice enough people, and they always treated me okay, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that they didn't want me there. I had no problem with that. I wasn't the type of person that needed people to like me, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was force myself on people who didn't want me there...

Another day of the week, Jeremy insisted I go out with him to lunch just he and I. We'd hang out and do stupid teenager shit. Talk and visit, mostly talk shit. I enjoyed our time together, but it too felt forced. In truth, I felt guilty about it. I felt like I was making Jeremy choose between me and his other friends, and as much as I didn't want to force myself on people who did not want me there, I wanted to be the guy that forced people to choose between people they cared about even less. I didn't want Jeremy to miss out on hanging out with everyone else just so he could spend time with me. I tried to tell him that. Tried to make him understand that I was cool with him bailing and going with them. He forced the issue and made sure that we went out, just the two of us.

One other day of the week, Karly and I went out, just the two of us. Those were my favorite days. The days that I could just sit with her. Maybe buy her lunch if she was feeling generous, though usually she was not, and she bought for us both. Days when I could hold her hand like a stupid kid and talk to her like it was just her and I in the world. We'd talk about our future together, or about troubles in class, or somedays we'd just sit against each other and cuddle in a private booth in the back of a pizza parlor, sharing secrets and stolen kisses...

The other two days of the week I was on my own. That pissed Karly off to no end.

If she had her way she and I would have been inseparable at lunch every single day. I wouldn't allow it. I knew where that road was headed.

I knew she knew I hated hanging with all her girl talking friends. So, at first, we'd go out with them most days. Then, as I grew less and less happy with the situation our one-day private lunch every week would be two. Then three. Pretty soon, she'd never hang out with them. As much as I wanted to be around her constantly, I wanted her to be happy a hell of a lot more. I wanted her to have friends. To have people she could count on to take care of her. To lend her a sympathetic ear when she needed it. To listen to her complain about her crazy as a shithouse rat boyfriend and offer her advice. People that she would be able to laugh with, people she could enjoy. People that she would be able to have fun with and not have to be a support for me...

I wanted nothing but the best things for her, and there was no way in hell I was going to accept her giving herself anything less than the best.

Normally, on my solitary days, I found a quiet spot in the hall and sat down and ate, and then I went to the library and read. They had this one comfy chair, over by the magazine racks that I sat in every day I had lunch in the library. I would sit there and read from some oversized nerd book, maybe my headphones in my ears, blaring too loud music, drowning out all the distractions of the world and letting me focus on what I was enjoying all by myself...

And there I sat the Monday after Karly's party... music on repeat, an acoustic cover of "Take Me Away" by The Plot in You blaring into my ears, a Dresden Files book in my lap, when Joe walked in and sat down in the chair across from me. I looked up from my book as he opened one of his own. He had a bag of chips he had snuck in perched in his lap.

I tried to ignore that he was there, and he for his part, sat there quietly, not bothering me, just sitting there...

I really did try to ignore it.

It took about five minutes to drive me insane.

Why the fuck was he here? What was he trying to do? Was he doing it just to fuck with me? I wondered.

And then it hit me...

Pulling the headphones from my ears I looked at him, "I know what happened between Cameron and Karly at the party. She fessed up that night about it, so I don't need the full report."

He looked at me and raised his eyebrows, "Excuse me?"

I dropped my head to the side, looking at him crosswise. "I know about Karly and Cameron. You don't need to come running in here and protect me from my willful slut of a girlfriend."

A look of offense crept onto his face, "It wasn't that big of a deal. If she hadn't of said anything to you, neither would have I. They danced a little, he got grabby, made a pass at her and she shut him down." He looked back down at his book, "Not any of my business one way or the other. Looked to me like she had the opportunity to screw around on you pretty good and she did the right thing."

Now I felt like an asshole...

I took a deep breath... it was time to eat some crow. God, how did I mess these things up so badly? Karly had told me Joe had looked out for her, and here I was making the giant assumption that he was coming in here to start trouble... to try and drive a wedge between me and her. The more I thought about it, the less sense my assumption made. If he really wanted to drive a wedge between me and her, he didn't need to step in, all he had needed to do was hang back and let everything play out...

"She told me you stood up for her." I paused, thinking about what she had said about it exactly, knowing there was some important detail in there that I was missing, "Like you were looking out for her."

His eyes snapped up from his book, gauging me, weighing me. He took a moment to think about what he was going to say, and I could tell, something about it was killing him. He ground his teeth and finally said, "Look man. I get it. I fucked up our friendship." He snapped his book closed and gave me his full attention, "And here's the deal. I fucking hate that. I know there's nothing I can do to fix it, but it still kills me that I did it." He ground his teeth again, like it hurt to admit it, "And I get it. I'm not your friend anymore..."

He shook his head, looking down into his lap, "But that doesn't mean that I don't still consider you to be my friend, and that means I have a responsibility to look out for you, and to take care of you, whether you appreciate it or not."

I felt like a fucking asshole right then and there...

"And Karly's my friend too..." He shook his head, "Even if she has to pretend she's not to make sure you're happy."

Swallowing past a lump in his throat he finished, "And a good friend just taught me... you should look out for your friends no matter what."

I shook my head, feeling his words slam into me and make me feel like a real and true asshole. I wanted to tell him it was alright. That things were good now. That I had been wrong to freeze him out. That people make mistakes and both he and I had made them and we needed to forget about it and put it behind us.

Then I remembered how much it had hurt to be frozen out myself. To count on someone and have them turn their back on you. To have them make you wonder how much you are worth, and to have their choices make you realize that it was less than nothing. To look at myself and value it simply based on how important I was to someone else. To have every piece of you stripped away just because someone thought they had the right to your pride and dignity. To have someone look at you and decide that because you weren't giving them exactly what they wanted they had the right to hurt you...

I couldn't do that. Not again.

As much as it hurt. As much as I wanted to have my friend back...

I needed to be alone. I deserved to be alone.

I was quiet a long time. Trying to force my feelings into a nice tight little ball. Trying so very hard to lie to myself and make myself believe I could just make things go back to the way things had been. I couldn't though. I wasn't strong enough for that...

So instead I looked at him, and with no other thing popping into my head, I grabbed my bag, and trying not to cry like a child, I nodded, "Thanks for that."

I fled. I couldn't stay. I could feel the panic welling up inside me. The tightness in my chest. The overwhelming feeling of emotion as the feeling that night had brought on in me crashed back through my memories. The panic that memory brought on, unlocking all of the countless doors in my mind that held back so many terrible things. So many nights alone, and scared...

Clutching my bag, I fled the library like a scared child.

I hit the door at a fast walk...

I wanted so badly to tell myself that I just needed a break. I didn't want to talk. In my heart though, I knew the truth. I was scared. I was alone and I wanted my friend. I wanted so badly to forgive him, to have him back in my life, but I also knew I was too scared to feel that pain again. There was some part of me that knew that I was too close to a dark place, and if I opened myself back up and got hurt again... that I might do something that I would regret. I wanted with every fiber of my being to deny that. To tell myself that I had Karly. That I had happiness, and that I'd never do that to myself, but I could see the shadow of it in myself...

I ran straight to my locker. I opened it and just stared inside of it, trying to convince myself that I was actually looking for something inside...

I felt her hands on my face before I smelled her...

Karly.

"Guess who?" She purred seductively...

I felt warmth spread through my chest, felt the ice that had gathered there without me even noticing crack...

All I could do was put my head down, and wrap my arms around behind me and pull her to me. Her arms wrapped protectively around me and I could feel her pull me into one of those hugs that always seemed to make my world better. She held me for a moment before she let me go and squirmed around in front of me, pinning herself between me and the lockers.

She put a hand on each side of my head and forced my face up. I could feel tears stinging my eyes, making me feel like a coward.

Her perfect green eyes filled with concern as they bounced back and forth between mine, searching my soul for the source of my pain...

"Baby boy... what's wrong?" Her voice was like a balm to my soul...

I shook my head dumbly, trying to shake the weakness out of my stupid head, "Nothing, just stupid stuff..."

She gave me that half smile she always gave me when she thought I was being stupid, shaking her head at me, "It's not stupid, baby."

I forced a smile onto my face and tried to push all this stupid emotion back down inside the deep, poisoned well inside my soul, to try to be brave and strong for my perfect, strong woman.

"Hey Karly..." The voice was so sleazy that it sent a shiver up my spine...

Cameron...

Karly's face became an instant mask of rage as she looked past me, "Go fuck yourself Cameron."

I kept my back to him as I tried to force the rage inside me down...

"You trying to let him down softly so you can finally come be with a real man?"

I spun and nearly hit him... I would have hit him without Karly's strong hand on my arm, without the steel in her voice as she ordered me, "Gabby, no!"

Both my hands clenched, my still broken right screaming at me as I felt the cast bite down across my palm...

There, no more than an arm's length away from me stood Cameron Kane and three of his buddies. Somewhere in the back of my mind I felt the voice of sense warn me that those were not good odds. Way more towards the front of my mind however, something snapped free of its chains, some dire creature that just screamed it was time to lash out...

And then Karly was in front of me, between me and Cameron...

I felt steel bands tighten inside me as I realized how stupid it would be to start a fight then and there, with her in the center of it. Felt guilt as I realized how unsafe for her my choices were. How if I jumped into a fight here she would, like the lioness she was, most likely, and stupidly, jump to my defense...

She put her back to Cameron, her eyes on me as she gave me a no nonsense look that warned me about how stupid she thought my little act was.

In those eyes I felt like a child, caught with my hand in the cookie jar...

"Gabby, he's not worth it." She growled at me.

"That's not what you were saying the other night baby," Cameron purred, goading me on.

And then things went completely sideways...

Cameron grabbed Karly's arm and spun her around...

And like that the chains snapped again.

I felt something come growling up from deep inside. Some ancient, dark creature came screaming up from the darkest corner of my mind...

I found my left hand wrapped around Cameron's wrist. Felt my thumb dig deep into the pressure point in his wrist, the one my dad had shown me when I was still a little kid, the one that I knew gave someone no choice but to open their hand...

"Don't fucking touch her..." I growled, pushing Karly around behind me.

On some level, I sensed Cameron's three friends press closer. I felt the warning in my mind that told me that I was just about to get jumped in a four to one fight. I felt a surge of fear, the rush of adrenalin as my body tried to adjust to the danger I had just put myself in...

Some part of me tried to make my mouth start working, to try to talk myself out of the situation I had just stupidly thrown myself into...

Cameron headbutted me, sending a splash of color across my vision. His friend on my right threw a cross into my cheek, sending another splash of color across my vision. My legs went weak and watery for a heartbeat...

Things in a fight get strange. Time gets all screwy...

Some things seem to happen so fast, some things grind to a halt...

I heard Karly scream, her voice falling somewhere between rage and anguish. I felt her leap from my side at the guy to my right, the one that had just landed the punch across my face.

The most primitive part of my brain screamed at me that I couldn't let her away from me. That I needed to protect her. I started to move towards her, trying to keep her behind me as Cameron landed his first punch, this one landing across my left cheek, forcing me back...

I heard a hard, wet smack as the guy to my right laid a backhand across Karly's face...

I felt her go limp as my brain screamed at me to catch her before she fell...

Some part of my brain realized that there was no way I was going to have time to catch her...

And then everyone in front of me was moving as Joe slammed into them from the side...

Something inside me screamed to attack. To tear limb from bone. To bite, to tear...

In my mind, I heard Terra squeal as she hit the wall...

Karly and Terra were on the floor...

Danger above them...

Kicks about to rain down...

And all I could to was throw myself down across the top of her.

I had to protect her...

Terra.

Karly.

In my mind, I felt the first kick land, heard Terra squeal in pain as I tried to cover her with my own small body.

My body registered the first hard kick into my ribs as I laid myself across Karly, pinning her between me and the bank of lockers.

In my mind, I felt the second kick land, this time catching me more than my dog... the scream of pain as I felt Terra's bladder let go beneath me... the wild thought in my head that she shouldn't have peed in the house... that Nelson would just be madder that she had peed in the house...

My body registered the second kick, this one into my back, and I felt a surge of pride as I knew none of it touched Karly...

My mind flashed back to the third kick, and the forth... Terra's screams echoing...

I felt myself letting go of her... the pain so much that I didn't want to hold on anymore...

Karly curled beneath me, making herself as small as possible as the kicks rained down across my back and ribs...

It hurt so much...

More than anything I had ever felt before...

I never let Karly go though... not like I had Terra...

Chapter 32

I came back to myself in one of the counselor's offices. I was sitting in one of the cheap, padded chairs. The same one I had sat in so many times when someone had pulled me into the office to talk about whatever was going on in my head...

There was a bag of ice in my hand that I somehow managed to hold against the swelling in the left side of my face.

My entire left side was a study in screaming torment...

Somewhere, from another office, I heard Joshua's booming voice, filled with anger and righteous indignation...

I tried to take the ice away from my face and found my left eye nearly swollen shut. Pain slammed a thousand nails down into my face as I remembered the kick that had caught the side of my face. As I remembered bringing my left arm up and around Karly's head to protect her face...

Groaning I pushed the ice back into my face...

There were voices just outside the door...

"You just shoved him into an office alone!?" It was Marsha. I could hear the concern in her voice, the anger.

Shame and fear crashed into me as I realized how angry she was going to be with me. How disappointed she was going to be. I had let her down. I hadn't kept Karly safe. I had let that fucking gorilla slap her...

I imagined her face as she looked down on me. As I saw her mentally move me from the 'he's a nice kid' to the 'totally worthless and not worth my time' categories that I had seen so many times, on so many faces.

"We didn't know what to do with him. He was nearly catatonic..." Some other voice answered.

"And so, you fucking locked him in a room by himself!"

"He's not locked in there Missus Kay." The voice explained. Some distant connection clicked in my brain as I realized it was Miss Sunderland, my counselor.

"I don't care if he's locked in there or not, why is he in there alone?" Marsha's voice was on the edge of rage...

She was angrier at me than I had first realized...

I felt some part of me die as I realized how much I had let her down. Some part of me wanted to go back and do better. Some part screamed that this was just a bad dream and if I tried hard enough I could just force myself to wake up...

"We just thought he could use some time alone... when we pulled the other boys off of him he was screaming..."

Great. Just great... now I was going to be the freak that got his ass handed to him and came up screaming...

Now there was going to be blood in the water, and the sharks were going to come circling.

"His coach had to pin him down... he was so freaked out that he came up swinging... he actually tried to bite coach..."

I closed my semi-good right eye.

Fuck... good job psycho... way to pay Coach back for taking care of you... I thought to myself angrily.

"All he could do was scream your daughter's name... he was like a wild animal. Honestly, the only thing that finally got him to calm down was when your daughter finally jumped on top of the two of them..."

Oh god... no. I didn't hurt Karly did I? I thought in a panic as I tried to force myself to remember the tail end of the fight. There was some panic as I realized I could not find the memory...