All Comments on 'Fantasy Harem'

I would usually like this kind of story, but you really need to find someone to edit this. It's almost unreadable.

Seriously, the elementary spelling errors make this hard to read. Find an editor or at least a decent spell check program.

You have potential, but it is clear that you are still struggling with grammar and spelling. Don't let clunky language get in the way of the story you want to tell.

Also, you should be trying to write a story that arouses while telling a story. You are not writing a braggy rap song with unrealistic claims. No one has a 12 inch penis, and honestly, while a big dick is nice, there is such a thing as too large, despite what you see in porn videos. Instead of making your character a really rich guy, who has lots of money and a big dick that he wants to use on slaves, the story is not interesting that way. There are two kinds of interesting stories, normal people have exceptional experiences and exceptional people having normal experiences. Instead of a rich spoiled guy with a 12 inch penis doing whatever he wants, make it a normal guy who get's the opportunity to get a bunch of slaves, and the story about him finding ways to get more slaves, and taking care of his harem.

Even if they are just property to him, there is still going to be conflict, attempts to escape, resentment, and the need to feed, cloth, and house his harem. That's the story, not "guy forces impossibly large cock into some poor girl's mouth in the back of a carriage."

Keep it up, and don't be discouraged. Despite the problems, the story still manages to be a little hot, and has a lot of potential. When I was young, you used to have to take classes to learn how to write creatively and grammatically well, but youtube is full of lots of tutorials on writing a story that might help.

Your story could definitely use some punctuation and more links between paragraphs.