Finding Love after a Broken Heart

"He just said he had to go, and told us he would settle up later," Eric responded

"When did he leave?"

"About five minutes ago," John responded and I started for the door. "He is gone, I watched him drive away."

I went back to the table, sat and played poker the rest of the night, getting more drunk the longer we played. I remember John and Ryan leading me home and putting me to bed, but other than that nothing else. I woke the next morning with a hangover, and all I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep, which I did for a while, until I felt someone tapping my shoulder.

"What?" I whispered.

"Come on, it's after three. You need to get up," Ryan stated. "I have coffee on the table here. Get up and take a shower. John is on his way over."

"What are we doing?"

"Anything you want today."

"I want to sleep today away."

"Okay, anything but that. Come on, Tony, get up."

I sat up on the side of the bed, and Ryan shoved the coffee cup in my hand along with some aspirin and told me to drink. I sat there for a few minutes until the dizziness went away, then I stood and held on to Ryan. "God, did I drink that much last night?"

"You went and grabbed a fifth from your house after about your sixth beer." Then he laughed and guided me to my bathroom. I took a long shower, and when I came out fully dressed from my room, John and Ryan were sitting in the living room.

"Feeling better now?" John asked.

"A little more human."

"Good, because we are going to dinner."

We left to a local steak place. "You know the girls don't think we talk about anything other than sports or cop shit. I know that is marginally true because that is all we talk about in front of them, but Tony, you need to go and see Chad on Monday," John stated.

"Yeah, I will. Can we drop it now?"

We ate, and then went back to my place to watch a ball game. We didn't drink as heavily as the night before. Or I should say I didn't drink as heavily; the guys never do. We sat around and shot the shit until Anna decided it was time to break up the testosterone fest. The guys went home, and I locked up and went to bed.

On Sunday, I went by the cemetery, taking Freddy more tulips. I cleaned his stone off. I hadn't been there in a while, so I kept apologizing, saying I hadn't forgotten about him, but life had gotten busy. I would tear up a bit whenever I went to the cemetery, but I wasn't crying anymore. The rest of Sunday was uneventful. I just worked on getting myself ready for the week, washing and ironing my uniforms and getting my lunches made.

Monday morning, I was up early and ran for a bit before getting ready for work. Ryan was bumming a ride with me this morning, so when I walked out to my car, he was actually waiting in the passenger seat. "I thought I was going to have to pull you out of your house this morning," Ryan said when I got in the car.

"Hey, this is the time I leave every morning. You know that."

"Yeah, but you're supposed to talk to Chad today. Remember?" I just grunted and started the car. We don't live that far from the station, only a few miles, so it didn't take us long to get there. When we were walking towards the station, I looked over to the normal bench Chad would be sitting on and he wasn't there. My heart sank a little. "Well maybe he is running late this morning."

"Yeah, maybe." The day sucked. I was on patrol on the other side of the city. I pulled over a few people and, of course, they yelled at me for doing so. I know I can bring out the irritation in some people, but everyone that I pulled over had an attitude today. When I finally pulled back into the lot, I was happy the day was over. I met up with Ryan in the locker room. I don't change at work. There isn't a need to do that, when I'm just going straight home to take a shower anyways, but he tends to like to change into jeans and a t-shirt to head home.

When we walked out, he asked if I had a chance to stop by the courthouse. I told him no. The next few days went the same exact way-no Chad when I would walk in each morning, and everyone had an attitude when I pulled them over, not even thanking me when I would just let them off with a warning. When I didn't see Chad by Friday, I knew I had fucked up last Friday when I had my breakdown in the garage. I'm sure he thought I didn't want anything to do with him.

The weekend went by fast. I was amazed at that one. I was busy most of it, too. Just normal shit, maintaining the house, doing the laundry and stuff. I was hoping Chad would be back at his post come Monday morning but he wasn't. I tried not to let it bother me, thinking it was probably for the best, maybe I couldn't really love again. I already had my love story.

Apparently, according to John and Ryan or anyone else I would come in contact with, I was grumpy. I thought I was normal. They said no, that all last week I was too easily irritated. I don't know. I thought I was fine. Midweek I stopped at the cemetery again, which was not normal for me. I don't know why Freddy had been on my mind more than usual.

I went out to dinner that night by myself, which is also unusual. I was sitting at the table eating when I saw Chad come in with another man. They were talking and laughing. Chad didn't see me, and they were seated in the back of the restaurant. I lost my appetite and asked for my bill.

I don't remember walking over to Ryan's that night. I was hammered. I woke on his sofa the next morning. He was sitting there drinking coffee and just pointed to some aspirin and a mug for me. I told him I was just going to call in sick, but he wouldn't let me, telling me, I have to live with the consequences of drinking on a work night. He drove that morning. I was thankful so I could close my eyes.

The staff sergeant took one look at me and stuck me on desk duty. I got to man the reception desk all day. I asked Ryan if he wanted to eat lunch, and he informed me he was busy. I just said okay, and was glad I grabbed my lunch that morning.

I was sitting on a bench in the far corner of the square. I was blocked by a few trees, but I could see people enter the courtyard and head either to or from the court house or station. That is when I saw Ryan and Chad. They were coming back from the parking lot. Ryan waved to Chad as they parted to go in opposite directions. Ryan still didn't see me and walked into the station. He came out a few minutes later and looked right at me and walked over.

"Tony, before you start yelling."

"I'm not going to yell, I'm just going to walk away." I got up and walked back into the station. I knew he wouldn't try to talk to me there. Ryan would wait until we were heading home. Since I didn't have a change of clothes and some decent walking shoes, I had to wait and take the ride home with him. I was hoping the afternoon would go slow, but of course it flew by.

I was standing at his car waiting for him when he came out. He got in and I followed suit. "Tony, I settled up his winnings from two weeks ago."

"Okay."

"And I asked him to come this Friday."

"Okay."

"He told me his cousin is in town and said he couldn't make it this week. I told him to bring his cousin."

"What else did you tell him?"

He looked at me, "That if he likes you, to hang in there, that you're a bonehead. Just like I told Freddy."

"What if it is for the best that I don't fall in love again?"

We were sitting in his driveway by now. "Tony do you remember last night at all?"

"Honestly?"

He nodded his head.

"I don't remember much after getting home last night and waking up on your couch this morning."

"I didn't think so. You came over crying last night, man, saying you lost him. I thought you meant Freddy. I thought you had reverted back to when you would get drunk those first few months after Freddy died. Both Anna and I were trying to calm you down, when you told us no, you lost Chad. That you saw him out on a date. Do you want to talk about it now, now that you will make some sense?"

"Not really." I blew out a breath. "I was out to dinner and he came in laughing and talking up a storm with some guy and they looked good together. I left not long after they were seated, and you know what happened after that."

"Why don't you just ask him out? He couldn't have started dating someone just like that. You two have been looking at one another for months. Just talk to him. This is Freddy all over again. Do you realize this?"

"I was stupid with Freddy, too, I know. I just have a hard time approaching a guy-not any guy, the only two I've been attracted to."

"Come over tonight. Anna and I are firing up the grill, and we have a few people coming over. Come, eat, and socialize."

"I don't know, Ryan."

"Come, or I will send Anna over to get you."

"You know you don't play fair, right?"

I went home, shaved, showered, and got dressed. Around seven I walked back over to Ryan's. I could tell John and Sarah were there, but there was another car I didn't recognize. I rang the bell and walked in. I could hear laughter coming from the family room. "It's about time you came over." I heard Ryan shout out, before I walked through the opening of the family room.

When I walked in of course I quickly scanned the room, and my eyes met Chad's. I saw the tiniest smile before he shut his emotions down to me. Next to him was the guy I saw at the restaurant. Ryan spoke up, "Tony, of course you know Chad, and this is his cousin, Mike." Ryan put the emphasis on cousin.

I smiled and extended my hand to Mike and then to Chad. When I touched him, my heart flipped in my chest. God, why does just touching him produce that effect in me? We all went out to the backyard, and Ryan started grilling, and we all sat down and talked. After we ate, Mike excused himself to the bathroom and the other four made themselves scarce.

"Chad..." I didn't know what to say.

"Tony, you don't have to freak out. I can tell you don't like me. Mike and I will go." I could see the sadness in his eyes. "Thanks for at least being nice to me in front of my cousin."

"Chad, I do like you." I leaned forward in my chair to talk lower, "It just scares the hell out of me."

"Why? You just take the chance. Haven't you been in a relationship before?"

"Yeah, Chad, that's why it scares the hell out of me." I looked at him. He looked completely confused, so I knew no one had told him about Freddy. "Chad, come with me for a few minutes so I can show you something." I looked at him. "Please." I stood up and held my hand out to him. He took it, and I led him through the gate over to my house.

When we stepped through my front door into the living room, I walked him over to the mantel. When I pointed to my wedding picture, I saw his eyes go wide. "You're married?"

"Was. I'm a widower. Freddy was my life. I lost him a little over three years ago." He looked at me with shock. "It's okay. It's has been a while." I explained to him my own reluctance to move on and that I hadn't thought I could, until the day I had seen him. He seemed to soften a lot when I said that. "I can be a blockhead, Chad. I know this," I laughed. "Freddy would tell me that all the time. I like you, and I would like to see if we could have something."

"Are you asking me out?"

"Only if you're accepting."

He smiled and pulled me down to kissed me on the cheek. "Yeah, I am." He pulled me back to the door. "Let's go back over, before they miss us."

While walking back over to Ryan's we made a date for Saturday night and exchanged numbers before walking in the backyard. We sat back down in our chairs like nothing had happened and started back in on the conversation. No one said anything to us, but I knew I would get the third degree after Chad and Mike left. I was praying they would stay a little longer, but they left a little before nine. When they said their goodbyes, I tried to say mine but John and Ryan put their hands on my shoulders.

"Well?" Anna said before anyone else.

"What?" I smiled.

"Did you two set up a date while you were at your house?"

"Not while we were at my house," I chuckled. They just all looked at me. "Yes, we are going out on Saturday."

"Good." All of them said in unison.

The next morning as I was walking in from the parking lot, Chad was sitting on his bench. I smiled and stopped to sit down with him. "Good morning."

He handed me a coffee. I hadn't noticed he had two.

"Thanks."

"Well, did you have to answer a ton of questions last night? Because I had to," he chuckled.

"A few. Are you coming to poker tonight?" He nodded his head.

And that is how it started. Every morning we would meet out on our bench for coffee before work, and every night we would talk on the phone before bed. We would go out either Friday or Saturday night. We were slowly, and I mean very slowly, warming up to one another. I wasn't completely ready to jump into the deep end yet. I was wading in ankle deep water. I could tell Chad was trying to be very patient with me, and I was grateful for that.

We were at my house one Saturday evening after I had taken him out to dinner. We were sitting on the couch, kissing and groping one another. He straddled my lap, and we were going at it hot and heavy for a little while. He was grinding his hard-on into mine. After a bit he got off me and held his hand out to me and pulled me down to my bedroom, but when we got to my door I froze, "Chad I can't."

"Why?" I could hear the need in his voice and see the need in his eyes.

"I haven't done this."

"I know, in over three years." He took my hand and led me into my bedroom and gently pushed me down on my bed. "Baby steps, Tony. Just baby steps today." He laid down in front of me, facing me and kissed me again. "Baby steps, Tony." He then turned around and snuggled his backside into me and pull my arms around him. He was using the same term Ryan would use with me, 'baby steps.'

I awoke the next morning still completely dressed and holding Chad. I smiled and kissed the back of his neck, and he turned over in my arms. "Did you sleep okay?" Chad asked.

"Yeah, the best sleep I've had in a long time." And I was telling the truth. I still usually woke up in the middle of the night because a dream would wake me up, and I would reach out for Freddy and then remember he isn't there. "Did you?"

"Yes." He kissed my lips and then my neck. "Will you trust me?"

"I do trust you, Chad."

He didn't say anything after that. He pushed me to my back and straddled my hips. He kissed me on the mouth again and then my neck; he was pulling up on my t-shirt. Once he had it up past my nipples he dove for them, sucking one into his mouth. I moaned. I missed being touched by someone else. Chad moved down my legs and opened my jeans and tugged them down a bit. "Chad I don't have any condoms."

"It is okay, we don't need them today." As he sucked my cock into his mouth, I moaned and grabbed for the bedspread. Oh shit, what he was doing to my cock was blowing my mind. Because I've missed human touch for so long, I came too quickly. I didn't realize I was crying until he wiped at a few of my tears with his thumbs and kissed my cheeks. "See, baby steps."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"Crying, coming too quickly and not getting you off."

"Well, let's take them in order of how you listed them. One, the crying: Honey, it was the first time you were intimate with someone other than Freddy. Did I expect you to cry, not completely, but I knew it was a possibility. Two, you didn't come that quickly," he smiled at me, "but we will work on your endurance level. And finally three, I came too." He pulled my hand down to his jeans and I felt the wet spot. "I was a bad, bad boy, I humped your leg." He smiled at me, and I pulled him in for a kiss.

I ordered him to strip, and I took his clothes and my uniforms from the hamper to throw into the washer. When I came back to the room, he was sitting on the bed and had the bedspread draped over him. "Now what am I supposed to wear?" he asked. I just pulled him up and led him to my bathroom and started the shower.

I undressed and pulled him into the shower with me. I washed him from head to toe and gave him a proper blowjob. I was hoping I hadn't lost my touch. I did have him panting and leaning against the wall when I finished with him. I pushed him out of the shower and quickly cleaned myself. When I came out he was standing in my bedroom in just a towel.

"Again, what am I supposed to wear?"

I smiled at him and started digging through my drawers and pulled out a pair of shorts, with a drawstring waist and the smallest t-shirt I could find. I'm Hercules compared to him. I smiled at him. "At least it is something. Next time you decide to hump my leg, have a change of clothes here." He grinned at me.

I checked on the laundry and put it in the dryer. When I came back out to the living room, Chad was sitting there awkwardly, with Ryan and John. Ryan spoke up, "we came by to see if you wanted to do lunch and then watch the game, but we see you're busy."

"You can go, Tony. I need to get home anyways."

I smiled at Chad. "Nope, not going anywhere today with the guys. They can stay and we can cook out or order in. Anyways, your clothes are in the dryer, and they won't be dry for a bit." He just stared at me while I smiled at him.

"Okay, we'll go and pick-up some steaks and the girls. Let's just make it a little get together then. We will be back in about an hour, which should give some time for Chad's clothes to dry." They chuckled and left the house.

Once they walked out of the house, I turned around. "Thanks," Chad responded grimly.

"What?"

"Now they think we had sex."

"Is that a bad thing?" As I sat down next to him on the couch. "Are you afraid they are thinking badly about you for pulling a widower out of his depression?" I turned, hugged and kissed him.

"Yes, I don't want them thinking I'm pushing you too quickly."

"Do you need me to save your virtue, and tell them I spilt coffee all over you?"

"Oh my God, you are a blockhead." He laughed at me. "They know we went out last night. My car isn't here, and I'm sure Ryan can put two and two together." Then he looked at me. "Hey, why do you want them to think we had full blown out sex anyways?"

"I would rather them think that, than find out I was too scared to have sex with you right now."

"Right now?"

"Chad, I know you have been patient with me, too patient." I smiled at him. "We've been going out now for two months and in a normal relationship people would be having sex by now. Shit, after the first or second date." I leaned back on the couch and pulled him up to me. "I know I shouldn't but part of me feels guilty for moving on. I know Freddy has been gone for almost three and a half years, and I know he would want me to move on. He told me so, not too long after we were married."

"He told you?"

I told him about Freddy and I lying in bed that one time. When the guys weren't back in the hour, Chad was dressed, and I asked him to come with me somewhere. I called the guys and told them I left the door unlocked and just to come over when they wanted, we had to run out for a few. I stopped off at the flower shop and pick up some tulips and then drove to the cemetery.

"I hope this isn't too weird for you Chad, but I would like you to meet Freddy, I've told him about you."

He just smiled at me. "I would love to meet him." I got out of my car and rounded to the other side and he got out. I took his hand and had the tulips in the other. When we walked up to his grave I could see his eyes widen a little. I had his picture etched into the stone with 'In Loving Memory of a Wonderful Man that Fell in Love with a Muscle Head.'

"You actually had that written on his stone?" He smiled at me.

"He always called me his muscle head and said he wondered how many weights I dropped on it." Chad laughed and I smiled. "He called me a blockhead too."