Finding Love after a Broken Heart

"Does that bother you that I called you one today?"

"No. On the contrary, it felt right." I stepped up, knelt down, and took a rag out of my pocket. I cleaned off Freddy's stone, laid the tulips at the base and stood back up. I stepped behind Chad and wrapped my arms around him. "Freddy, this is Chad, the guy I've been telling you about. He makes me happy, and I know you would approve of him. I know I have to move on, Babe. I love you." I tightened my hold on Chad, and then led him back to the car. We rode back to my house in silence, and when we walked in, everyone was in the backyard, and Chad pulled me down to the bedroom.

"Thank you," Chad said, hugged and kissed me. "Thank you. I'm glad I can make you happy. I hope one day I will make you feel more than that."

"I'm sure you will." I pulled him up into a kiss.

Our relationship took off from there. Chad stayed the night quite a few nights a week. After the first week, he finally made me stop at the store to buy lube and condoms. When we came home, he knew I was more than a little scared. "Baby steps, Tony." He smiled at me. "Ok, pushed baby steps, but you can do it."

I laughed as he pulled me off to my bedroom and started kissing me. He unbuttoned my shirt and slid it down my arms and kissed my chest. I was almost a foot taller than him, but he knew how to man handle me. He unbuttoned my pants and let them slide down my legs before pushing me hard onto the bed, and he quickly straddled my hips. "You're a feisty one in bed?"

"When there's something I want, yes." He looked me in the eyes. "Do you want me to get myself ready or do you want to do it?"

"I will get you ready. It's the least I can do." I smiled at him as he jumped off the bed and quickly undressed. "Okay, I've never seen you move that quick before." We both laughed as he climbed back on top of me.

"Come on Muscle Man, make me scream." He said as he flipped around and put his butt in my face and handing me the lube. I just laughed. He was very forward in what he wanted. Believe it or not, he was so much like Freddy it scared me sometimes.

I squeezed his ass cheeks and smacked one lightly. He squeaked, and I smiled. I put some lube in my hand and warmed it up a little before I put it on his pucker. He moaned when I inserted one finger. I rubbed his cock while I was opening him up. "See, it's all coming back to you. It feels great, Babe." I inserted one more and then two more fingers to open him. Once I had done that, he asked me to remove my fingers and he flipped around. He grabbed up a condom and the lube. After rolling the condom on me, he rubbed some lube up and down my cock. "How do you want me big boy?"

I just shook my head and rolled him over to be under me. I wasn't thinking anymore; instinct just kicked in. I placed my cock at his entrance and pushed in. After pushing the head of my cock in, I waited. I didn't know how long it had been for him, I know once you have sex quite a bit, once you open someone up, you don't generally have to wait long before they are ready to fuck. But not knowing, I wanted to be gentle.

Oh God, the feel of him, the tightness, it felt so wonderful. I was looking him in the eyes. I could see the lust, the want, and the need. Then I felt his feet pushing on my ass, trying to make me go further in him. Oh did I oblige. I sunk my entire length into him, and he moaned and told me to fuck him. Aggressive little one he is, and God, did I like that.

And he was a screamer. Oh my God, was he a screamer, and I loved every minute of it. Yeah it was only a few minutes. I will be honest about it. It was feeling so good, I couldn't hold out. I came quickly, but that was okay, because he did too. He was rubbing himself as I was fucking him. I was trying not to squish him, so I was using my arms to keep me up and off him. But when I came, I did fall down onto him, then I rolled us over until he was on top of me. We laid that way for a bit, until there was a knock at my bedroom door.

"What the fuck?" I said under my breath as I jumped up and grabbed a pair of shorts. I saw Chad run for the bathroom with his clothes. I opened my bedroom door to a smiling John. "Really, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Other than waiting patiently for you to finish, which man, I will say didn't take long." John laughed and I punched him. "Just thought I would let you know, we are becoming uncles soon. Ryan just took Anna to the hospital; Sarah is in the car because she came to tell you and couldn't stay in the house. But I didn't mind." John snickered.

"You're such a pervert. You know that, right? We will be up at the hospital in a bit." John left and I went back into my room to the bathroom. "Chad, are you okay?"

He was dressed and sitting on the tub edge. "Embarrassed. Do they always have to show up when we are being intimate?"

"Well I hope they wouldn't but it seems they have lousy timing. But this time, was a good interruption. I'm going to be an uncle, so I have to go to the hospital."

"Well, you need to take a shower, and I will go home."

"No, we need to take a shower and we are going to the hospital."

He smiled.

"You're my boyfriend right?"

He nodded his head.

"Then we do things together. We will get embarrassed together, and we will meet my new nephew or niece, together."

Of course by time we made it up to the hospital, John and Sarah had told Anna and Ryan what we had been doing. So they were teasing us pretty bad when we first walked in. But Anna's contractions made that backstory news, and within a few hours Ryan was introducing us to our new niece, Katie Marie.

We had made a pact with one another when we were teenagers because we all were the only child, our kids would all be cousins, and we would also have more than one each. It was a little harder for me, when I came out, but the guys just laughed at me and said they would have another one each to make up for it. I know it is weird for guys to talk this way, but believe it or not, we did, and we do talk about more than just sports and cop shit, just not around the women.

In November there was a situation down at the courthouse. A man somehow got a gun past the metal detectors. I was on the other side of town patrolling when I heard it come over the radio. I had someone pulled over, but quickly returned their license and registration, so I could get down to the courthouse. Before I made it down, I knew there was a hostage situation in an office on the third floor. Chad worked on the third floor.

When I pulled up, I quickly ran up to the door, and was stopped by my captain. "I can't let you in, Tony."

"Why? I need to find Chad."

"Tony, the gunman is in his office. He is holding five people hostage. Estranged husband. Tony, you know what that means."

"Shit, please let me go up." Most hostage situations involve a man whose woman has left him in some way. The guy will barricade himself, and generally will kill his hostages and or be killed by the police, suicide by cop.

"I can't do that, Tony. Please don't make me have to restrain you." I backed away from the doors, because as he was telling me he would restrain me. John and Ryan stepped up and put their hands on my shoulders.

"Come on, Tony. Let the team do their work. They will get him out. They will get him out. Just let them do their job." Ryan said.

It was the longest wait of my life. They had the guy talking, which was a good sign. If they hadn't, I would have been more restless. But I hated it, Chad had to be scared up there. I couldn't get to him, to make him feel safe. At first I paced back and forth outside the building, but news crews showed up, and they moved me to one of the courtrooms. John and Ryan were told to keep me there. I wanted to ditch them and go upstairs, but they kept their eye on me, and threatened they would handcuff me. So I paced around the courtroom. I'm sure I walked miles just inside the courtroom that day. Finally they announced they had taken down the suspect, and the hostages had been released.

They were sent down the main staircase which was in the middle of the courthouse. I rushed out of the courtroom to the main stairs, and I saw him. They were trying to send him outside, but I stopped the officer that was pushing him and pulled Chad to me. I wrapped my arms around him, and he had a death grip on me.

"Baby, you're okay. You're fine now. I love you," I told him, as we hugged. The hallway emptied and there was only John, Ryan, Chad and myself. "Come on, Baby, let's go home. Let's get you out of here." We all went out a side entrance near the parking lot, and I drove Chad to my home. He still hadn't talked once. I had him sitting on the couch and turned to him, "Honey, you're okay. You're safe."

He looked at me, "You said you love me."

"I did, because I do."

"I love you, too, and you're such a blockhead," he smiled and laughed at me. At least he wasn't quiet anymore.

"Why, what did I do now?" I was clueless.

"You finally tell me you love me when you thought you lost me."

He was right. I don't know if I would've said it for a little bit longer, if I hadn't been scared of losing him. "I'm sorry it has taken me this long, but I do love you." He crawled into my lap and I held him tight. When we went to bed that night, we made love for hours. Not all in one time, but we would kiss, cuddle and make love, sleep for a bit and repeat. When we awoke the next day, I was so tired I didn't want to go to work. Chad had been told to take the day off, along with everyone that was in his office. But he rode with me to work so he could pick up his car.

Before I came home that evening, I stopped off at the cemetery. I needed to talk with Freddy. I know it sounds weird, but I took comfort in talking with Freddy when I need to think things through. When I arrived at home, Chad was there. He stayed the day saying he didn't feel like being at his apartment. "Then stay forever," I said to him.

"What?" He turned to me when I said it.

"Move in with me, Chad." I walked over and put my arms around him.

"What?"

I chuckled, "Now who is being the blockhead?" I hugged him to me. "I want to share my home and my life with you, Chad. I love you and I want you around me. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, I understand, but I just don't know."

My heart sank, but I didn't let him see it.

"Honey, I love you, but it is a giant step, not a baby step. Are you really ready for it?"

I closed my eyes. "I went and told Freddy today. I know you don't understand it, you don't understand why I have to go to the cemetery and tell him. But I had to, and I told him I was going to ask you tonight to move in."

He just stared at me, and I moved away from him.

"I know I am fucked up, that I have to still seek the approval of my dead husband." I walked into my bedroom, feeling like shit. I heard him walk in behind me and he put his arms around me.

"Honey, I do understand. You were with Freddy for eight years. I know he was your life, but you're my life now." He walked around me and stared up at me. "I love you, Tony. I love you. I'm just not ready to move in. Can you understand? Yes, we have been together for four months, just give me some time." He smiled up at me.

"Alright." I said and pulled him into a hug.

That was at the beginning of November. By Christmas he had moved in almost completely. I didn't push him to move in; it had just kind of happened. Before that day in November he was staying a few times a week. Afterwards, he was staying about four nights, then it became five, and one week in December, he wasn't going home much at all anymore. He was more stopping to pick more of his things up, so when he needed them they would be at my house. The only thing that kept him in his apartment was his lease, which was up in February. But by February we had everything in my house and he even turned in the keys early.

What also was happening more was Anna and Ryan were leaving Katie with us. At first they would ask us to watch her for an hour or so for them to just have dinner alone at their house without having to worry about her. Then it became a few hours so they could have a date night. I ended up buying a crib for one of my spare bedrooms, because later date night turned into, could you keep her until morning so we can have a night together. I would just laugh at them. We would have taken Katie without them asking. I loved my niece, and Chad was falling in love with her too.

April first came around, and I went to the cemetery alone. Chad wanted to come, but I asked him if I could do the anniversary date alone. It didn't bother me to have him by my side any other time of the year, but something about the anniversary of Freddy's death, I just need to do alone. Freddy had been gone for four years. I decided while I was at the cemetery it was time to get rid of more of his things. Other than his clothes, I pretty much kept everything else of his in one of the spare bedrooms.

When I came home from the cemetery, Chad was waiting in the living room for me. "Hey Babe," I said.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Chad asked.

"Actually nothing and everything. I don't know if that makes sense. Nothing is wrong, because I love you and I hope we are doing great, but everything because a lot is going to change."

"What's going to change?"

"I'm ready to let go of Freddy. He is here in my heart and always will be," I was tearing up, but I needed to do this, "but I don't need to keep his things anymore, because I know he will always be here."

"So what do you want to do with it?"

"Donate it. I can't bring myself to sell any of it, so I will donate all of it. His cameras and everything." I told you Freddy liked taking pictures, which was his job. He would take pictures for the newspaper. When his job cleaned out his office for me, they bought an entire box of cameras and lenses home along with a ton of other things. "I would like to keep one of the cameras though. He had a digital one, he taught me how to use. I'm sure I will have to dig for it, but that is all I want to keep."

"Do you want me to help you go through it all and make sure there is nothing that you need to keep such as paperwork?"

"Yes, I would love you to help me go through it all before I donate it. And it won't bother me, but if there is something you see that you would like, please feel free."

"I couldn't do that," Chad responded.

"Honey, seriously it will not bother me. If you see something please take it. I'm going to ask our friends if they want anything as well."

I got in contact with all of Freddy's close friends and his family and asked if there was anything they would like of his things. His mom and sister came over first and took what they wanted. They even asked for a few of the pictures, which I was happy to give to them. We had kept in contact, but it was always harder for me, because his sister was his twin and she reminded me too much of him. Just a few of his friends came by and took a camera each. They had all taken photography classes together. Other than the one digital camera and all his pictures, I donated the rest.

Over the following months, I started using the camera. Chad started to hate it because I kept snapping pictures of him, then printing them and putting them on the bed for when he came home from work. Since I had put all the pictures over time back on the walls, table and mantel that Freddy had taken, I started taking some of the photos out of the frames and putting the ones that I would take of Chad or Chad and me. I did keep our wedding photo on the mantel, but I was removing more and more of Freddy's pictures.

In May, Ryan and I were called up to the hospital by John. Sarah was in labor. He had been staying home with her for a few days because it could be any day, so when Ryan and I got out of work that day we rushed up to the hospital. Sarah was going to be in labor for a while, so we all just settled back in her room to shoot the shit. Anna and Chad came up once they got home and changed, and Anna dropped Katie off with her parents.

When Chad walked by me, I grabbed him and pulled him down in my lap, he giggled. "You can go home if you're that frisky, Tony," Sarah laughed at me.

"Not frisky, just want to hold my Baby," I laughed.

"Well it only took close to a year, but at least Chad is not uncomfortable around all of us," Anna responded.

"It didn't take almost a year. We've only been together ten months," Chad smiled, then conceded, "Okay, it took seven of them." Everyone laughed.

I wanted to head home at ten that night, because I had to be up for work in the morning, Ryan said he would call when Sarah had the baby, since he didn't work the next day. Since Chad rode up with Anna, he came home with me. "You guys are like brothers."

"We are brothers. We made a pact a long time ago," I responded.

"Babe, I'm glad you had and have them. If they hadn't been there for you, I don't think we would have been."

I took his hand in mine and brought it to my lips. "I love you, Chad, and I'm glad I did have them to help me through my dark times, so I could come back into the light and see you."

Ryan called at four that morning to tell me we were the proud uncles of a bouncing baby boy. John and Sarah named him John Thomas Jr. It didn't take long before John and Sarah were leaving Johnny with us to watch. I don't know what they were thinking. I don't know if they were trying to get us used to a kid or what, but it isn't like I can impregnate Chad. I know we could always adopt, but right then, it was nice to be just the two of us.

Summer went by and one fall day I was out of my patrol car in the downtown area, and I was walking past a jewelry store. I had just finished lunch in a little diner and a ring glisten just right from the sun and caught my eye. I walked in and looked at it. It was a wedding band. Was it time? It had only been a little over a year, Chad and I had been together. I told myself it wasn't time and walked back out of the store. A few months later, I walked past the store again and the band was still in the window. I looked up at the sky and told Freddy to settle down, I had time.

January that following year, Chad and I had been together a year and a half. I finally walked back into the jewelry store and bought the two matching bands. I had them in my pocket when I came home that Saturday from work. I found Chad in the bedroom organizing the closet. It still scares me how similar he and Freddy are. Freddy couldn't just stay still either. Every minute awake he had to be doing something. Since Chad moved in, my clean house became our sparkling clean home.

I smiled standing there watching him. When he turned around and saw me, he squeaked because I scared the hell out of him. He walked over and hit me. "Will you stop sneaking up on me?"

"No, I like hearing you squeak." I pulled him into a hug and kissed him. His arms went around my waist, and he felt the boxes in my coat.

"What's in your jacket?"

"Nothing," I smiled, released him, and walked out of the closet.

I went over to my little gun safe and opened it so I could put my service weapon away for the night. When he wasn't looking I slipped the two ring boxes in as well. I know it is time, but I want to wait for the right moment to ask him. But, as usual, time got away from me. I looked at the boxes every day when I opened the safe to get my weapon or put it away, but always saying it isn't the right moment yet.

It is sad to admit it, but April first came around again and I still hadn't asked Chad. Chad didn't ask to go with me to the cemetery that day because he knew I liked to visit Freddy alone. I had to work on the second which was a Saturday. On my way home I picked up roses for Chad. When I walked into the house, I couldn't find Chad. I found a note on the table, saying he was over at Ryan's and to come over when I had gotten home. I walked to the bedroom and got the ring from the safe and took the roses with me to Ryan's.