All Comments on 'Fire on the Mountain'

Clever attempt. No, not really. Let's sucker the knuckle draggers into praising setting some dude on fire. That would be really funny. Please.

Nope, don't give up your day job!

Would of gave it 5 but needs more for ending. What happens after he gets out of jail and divorce??????

Pretty good for a first time gave you 5 stars to offset the purest nazis

Hope you continue story good start for series

You're left with the feeling of having consumed something but the quality is just not there. Why didn't he check his wife at the picnic? This guy was so passive the entire time that his being betrayed was bound to happen. I wish authors would realize that us btb crowd don't need a commando capable of single handedly winning the Iraq war, we just want to read a story about a character that has self respect enough to call people out on their bullshit. Also these stories need to show the final wrap up between husband and wife otherwise they tend to sputter at the end. Finally, if I was in his shoes I would have burned the wife as well, she betrayed and disrespected him far more than anyone else and gets off much too easily.

You left too many things unanswered, but a good story ...... so far

funny story, not quite HDK funny, but still good

Let's see the "rest of the story", and then your grade will be much better

with all you can carry or get, TK U MLJ LV NV

would like to read a second chapter to this.

I agree with another commenter. I would like to see another chapter starting on the day he gets out of prison.

Nice effort for premiere outing . The ending was too grueling and gruesome for my taste. Descriptions and character were compelling before things went up in smoke. The narrator was poignantly hapless until he snapped and went all too ruthless. I hope GladstoneGliese perseveres in tandem with his narrator to find copacetic conclusion that doesn't trigger smoke alarms or 911 calls. There is a better way. Trust me.

Definitely needs more of an ending to tie up loose ends.

As it feels unfinished, can't really rate it appropriately; would only give it a 2 for not having an ending. Stories need a beginning, middle and end; this story feels that it's missing the last 3rd. So, would only get 2/3 of the score.

The fact that she didn’t divorce her husband, and that Nick is bodybuilding in prison leaves open the story that she’s going to try to save her marriage, and that she’ll have a newly found respect for her husband. Maybe you never intended to go there, but that’s what you left set up.

Because a man is bigger doesn't mean he can get away with what he wants with no consequences. I'm today's world with all the sex allegations I can see a company getting sued over what transpired. If someone could hurt you then you will take other measures to beat the said man. I like others believe it is not finished like way to many other stories. You can give Kelly's side or like others mention when he gets out of prison. Hopefully you will give us more to your story because it is unfinished

Your intro indicated direction you would be taking. Once Jack's nickname was given, the scene was set.

Jack got what he deserved...too bad wife was not semi-seriouly singed.

Lsd states there is a better way...trust him...he knows...indicative of someone likewises betrayed.

I agree there is a better way.

Do the pyro petey with cheaters trapped in burning house and go back to work. No one knows you were there and your milquetoast reputation will keep you from suspicion.

Point of contention...with that good of a law firm and overwhelming evidence of bullying and betrayal in marital bed, temporary insanity is certain defense and no conviction occurs. Some counseling is all.

For a first story I'm going to go easier on you than most . Your premise was actually pretty good , if not exactly original. It seems that getting started on a story would be the hardest part , but , I think not always .

Having no talent of my own , but having correspondence with some of the very best in this genre has led me to believe that the finish is where it's at . What's that golf cliche , Drive for show , putt for dough , is very true !

My best advice is to get a good editor , they're worth their weight in gold , and just throw some ideas off each other . Two heads are sometimes better than one .

But , all that said, I'll read your next one for sure . After all , you're a Pappatoad fan !

This deserves a chapter 2 to see what consequences Kelly faces as well as how he does after prison. Oh and how Jacks life has been since he got "burned"

Very good, entertaining story.

Not much character development but that's okay. This was as sharp as a scalple and right to the point.

Look forward to seeing another of your stories soon.🙄 Gave you 3*s.

Thanks.

AMerryman

all he had to do was speak up instead he let the town idiot steal his wife and put him in prison wow did that ever work out,then to top it off he let the lawyers steal his money. O UTSIDE of the sickos stories i think you may win the dumbest of the year.

The guy was working with a miserable shit. He accepted way too much abuse from the guy at work. You lost the respect and maybe the interest of the readers. It was too much, for too long. You actually made Jack a bit sympathetic as he was given no reason to not fuck the wife. Her husband was held in contempt by all. Then there is the idea of setting a human on fire. That is not clever, subtle, or humorous. If a person did that to a mad dog, there would be jail time involved. Everything in the story was just too much and that made it less enjoyable.

... the best first time story ever.

Your comment certainly was.

Speak up???to what avail.

In college, I had similar experience as far as everyone falling for guy's charm and bullshit but me. A guy started hanging around my frat when we had parties. Obvious to me he had no intention of pledging just wanted free booze and pot. Though he came from wealthy family he never had any money...always borrowing and never paying back. Couple of my ''brothers'' higher in pecking order compelled me to lend him five dollars with re-payment guaranteed the next day. Weeks later at a party he insulted me, which led to very public argument where he made mistake of pushing me. Why do tall skinny guys always ignore the muscle mass of the shorter guy they pick fight with. We were quickly separated but his nose was a mess. I had for weeks warned the frat what a snake the guy was but they all defended him. That night I let it all come out as I recounted his numerous cons. Everyone thought I was wrong and just jealous. The senior frat member though - unbeknownst to me - started observing the guy more carefully. Two weeks later he told me he realized everything I said was true and he could not believe he had fallen for the guy's bullshit. At the next party he went up to con artist and banned him from frat. Of course guy just moved on to another house.

Another murder in Loving Wives! Five stars!

Gotta go jerk off now.

Character development area for all characters and polish it up.

also bring your stories to a more complete resolution or at least an obvious chapter break.

The story evokes a strong visceral response. So much so that I almost stopped reading it. Glad I didn't.

My only criticism is that it was too linear. This happened then that happened then the next thing. Also the descent of the wife was too quick. Had she cheated before and this was no big deal? Maybe. Inserting doubt about the stability of the relationship adds spice and rage.

I enjoyed your story. Thank you. Maybe you could add a bit about the wife and why she feel for the line and thought what she did was okay.

This story was actually worth more fleshing out.

It wasn't done cooking before you took it out of the oven.

You inspired interest in your characters. I want to know what the hell was going through Kelly's fucked up head, why she didn't divorce, what she is doing now and what she wants?

Nick is interesting and I'm curious about his path as well. Jack deserves some more detail as well, his character was a little undercooked.

Yes, others point out that character development for all involved was lacking. Even narrator (who we get to know best) could have benefitted with more backstory, and anecdote to seem more than just one dimensional characterization.

But it is ALWAYS the WIFE in these stories who gets short shrift in these tales. Readers remain unsatisfied when the eternal question of "What was she thinking?" or "well, just How Good did she expect it to turn out?" remains unanswered at story's conclusion.

I think you may have missed an opportunity to have narrator WARN wife about asshole. Despite investigative flirtation, wifey confirms narrators suspicions that she views him the SAME, and that he is deserving of a comeuppance. All is good for a little while when wifey publicly rebuffs asshole causing embarrassment to him for the first time in the predator's life. However, as assholes need for retaliation intensifies, he starts stalking the wife, and the uncomfortable and compromising situation hubby finds her in is one where she actually needs rescuing from. Involving the police, and later workplace HR on harassment claims, get asshole legal entanglements and he finds himself unemployed.

BUT.... there is more. The process of dealing with and dispatching the interloper from the their relationship, has them questioning the whys and hows, and in fact the very strength of their love.

The BEST part of your story as written was identifying those little nits and habits that one initially accepts. but once spotlighted, become hard to ignore.

She DOES get more demanding of him (a misguided attempt to "FIX" him), and he resists, a he feels she has been more than part of the problem all along. Miscommunication tropes can flourish in this part. And perhaps they even separate ANYWAY.

But the ending can reveal that separation convinces BOTH of them to become better stronger people, and they eventually give themselves a second chance at a better marriage without taking each other for granted again.

oops, sorry. That IS a completely different story now isn't it.

OK, never mind. But, the above addresses my biggest problem with your story, and that was why and how likely was it that he didn't talk to her at all about what kind of special asshole this guy was BEFORE going to the picnic? And what about all the previous picnics the company had? She had REALLY no idea who this guy was?

I don't care about the method of revenge you chose, except that I wondered in reality just how effective lighting wd40 on fire would be as you described it. But, suspension of disbelief is part of the craft.

No matter what, Welcome and thank you for your efforts. Please keep writing!

4 stars!

But like other have said, it's incomplete. Should have waited on a better ending.

The best story i have read this week. Certainly hope you finish it. I mean you do realize it is not finished?

Looking forward to more from this new fellow.

but can't. very well written and based on reality but you altered human behaviour too much.

nobody excercises that much control over everyone around them. especially assholes.

our hero was overly passive.

wifey went from "loving wife" to brazen adultress in a week, how? and why?

violent revenge is always too stupid for words, how is being "bubbas bitch" for the next 5--7 years and having a record for violent crime winning? how does that give a man self respect?

so the errant spouse walks away with everything, rid of the husband she obviously didn't love anyway and free to get on with her life.

great story but needed the "artistic licence" toning down a bit and more reasons for what happened and dialouge between characters,

5* please write more.

The other inmates will know why he is there and won't bother him. They leave crazy people alone. He set a guy on fire, that buys respect in the big house. He needs to divorce her before getting out so she can't touch his settlement money. No one is going to try to get with her once they find out what happened to the last guy.

Like a phoenix from the ashes your protagonist newly developed!! A believable blow against his tormentor!! Now only his strike against the slut is missing! Thanks for a very good story!!!

Just a sick fetish he man B.T.B story that should be in Non Erotic but so many women haters here will love it.Where is a zreo star when you need it..

He burned the bastard, not the bitch.

No evidence of woman haters here. Are you estupido? Seriously, are you?

Um, anondiot...who was murdered?

You will likely suffer the reflections of the 21st century, everyone gets a medal, no one is responsible for their actions, there shouldn’t be harsh consequences for evil actions mentality. Since when did infidelity stop being an evil affront to another human being? So there are apparently people who are incensed at an emotional outburst invoked by an equally aggravated attack (albeit an emotional attack) but find it personally agreeable to masterbate to a man stealing a physical relationship with another man’s wife. Ludicrous! Double standards in your desire for self induced pleasure. This was a story of retribution and it was alluded to at the beginning. You read anyway. Duh.

I wanted a little post prison information but not be more I think about it the more I can understand where you left it. Looking forward to another effort.

But very well written with enough depth to give you some idea of how bad he felt. Please, there is no second chapter. The story is finished and doesn't need any more. I gave it five stars, with maybe one of them just to encourage you to continue writing.

this really needs a second chapter. there is to many unanswered questions.

"Smokin" 5-Stars!

Well done and executed.

Very well written. It's hard to believe this is your first effort. Keep writing.

I know just such an asshole, a clone of Jack you might say. I like to think I stoped my slut before she slept with him, and they never went to my place, but I still wish I had "fired" him too.

Well written if a bit cliched. But definitely needs some closure. Why hasn't she filed for divorce? What happens after he is released?

Need that get out of jail , btb next chapter. You sir are a real writer . Keep writing like this and you will never be a used condom eater.

Well done 5 stars

Very good needs a follow up

This is a good, well-written story that was developed to where you have empathy for Nick and he did get revenge, but it needs a better ending. It's not finished and that limitation keeps it from being a 5.

Keep writing!

Tiny Tim

Really enjoyed it. Amazing first story and terrific title! Looking through some of the repsponses, I agree 100% with silentsound's comments.We need more!

I was a "late bloomer" myself, and know well the humiliating taunts that sting like fire.... ;-) I've never been an intimidating "mountain" of a man, but I ceased taking shit from anyone many decades ago....

Like others, I eagerly await the BTB chapter when he gets out of prison (early for good behavior I'd guess).

Thanks much for sharing this with us here on Lit!

The ending was rushed and unfinished though. Keep them coming. Right now Loving Wives is a wasteland of cuck stories, the field is wide open for you.

It is not finished. It would have been had you not kept asking the question of why no divorce.

finish the story after he gets out of jail and what happened to wife

You have to finish the story, dude...

Huge essential scenes missing here. 1: criminal trial court scenes, his wife giving evidence, The Mountain too. We want those emotional scenes, the tears, the anger, the pain and the satisfaction. Scenes 2 & 3: both the civil suits, another 2 days in court for the two protagonists and the company, the bigger effort for success put in by the lawyers, the witnesses that could be called, and the medical evidence from the "hose down". 4: yes we really do want to know what his ring-fenced settlement is, and whether TM was able to get any compensation at all, and if his wife has access to those funds to live on. We still have no idea if she is a dependant or a contributor to the household budget. We know lawyers are devious self possessed creatures, I could see them tapping up Wifey to get her to swear rape and make her claim against the company as a third party clearly disadvantaged and made victim by the company's negligence in allowing the abuse of her loving husband. Lots more entertainment in this story which has been left out, that would give us more to work on for the reflections that fill his 5 to 7 years, even if the ending is left in the air for a future continuance.

Many of the comments you rec'd are quite good. The beginning of your story was pretty good, although I always question hubbies that bury their feelings and dont talk to their spouse about exactly what is going on. But it does happen. Us guys aren't good at talking but he shoulda had it out the day of the picnic with the wife.

Liked it. Maybe I am perverted but I thought that "Burn the Bastard" was a great parody of Burn the Bitch". I never took it seriously like HDK. I took it for the farce parody that it was.

On one hand, this story was hard to read - all narration and no dialogue. It lacked the dry humor of PapaToad or HDK. On the other hand, it is a new twist and Jack deserved what he got. Unlike HDK, I see his new state as deseved for persistent bullying and screwing another man's wife and have no sympathy for him - don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

You probably have a coupla more pages left in this one. As noted, there is no reaction scenes from the antagonist or the wife. Kinda glossed over the protagonist's reaction too. Unfortunately FDS isn't still in business 'cuz this one is ripe for him...

Yes, a second chapter is required! Doesn’t have to be post-prison. Several points of departure WERE available, which is where a good editor COULD have helped immensely. One would have been when Sweetie got in the car and told Hubby about apologizing. He shoulda offered her the option of going back and UNapologizing (at least on his behalf) OR just going back and laughing it up with her new friend ... then come for her ‘stuff’ when she had her fill.

A second point of departure coulda been that Hubby leave them to their carnal pleasure, then putting cyanoacrylate (super glue) in Sweetie’s sex-lube before leaving for work the next day! Hubby’s ‘plan’ was made in the ‘heat of battle,’ NEVER a good time to make a good plan (use disposable gloves and do NOT throw them or the empty glue-tube in your trash or at your office!)

But now, consider some of the topics & issues that will improve the tale which have been offered. The sources of information could include lonely women pen-pals at Hubby’s previous work and acqaintances in his old neighborhood.

4* Just too long a warm-up, and the several foul balls hit back into the bleachers.

this was about as complete a humiliation of the little guy as you can have. The only two possibilities that I see are shoot them both or just go get a lawyer.

Good story but would really benefit from a follow up chapter to tie up loose ends, I really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing your talent.

Please do a part two. Need to know what happens to the bitch

On yes a part 2

Why didn't see file?

Tell us more of his the mountain paid.

Did our hero get out of jail early?

Etc

Keep writing. Even if there's never a second part to this tale, you have talent that shouldn't be wasted. Looking forward to future stories.

Needs more. 4*

loved it, nice break from the usual bullshit about liking guys fuck your wife

Yes. Another author who wont write a cuckold story. Great story. What a revenge....damn this was good. Thank you.

More!!! Yup!!!

I agree with those who say you have a good story here, and I agree with those who say you need to finish it. It's okay to let the reader write his own ending, but when you choose to do that, you need to provide reader enough info to make his choice believable.

Since it's your first story, I rate it a 5. New writers should be cut a little slack.

KEEP WRITING!

I think it would be great to do a follow up and see what happens next.

I'll certainly look out for more stories from you.

A little choppy at times, but as a tale told in the first-person, that's not necessarily inappropriate. Thank you.

Your writing style shows substantial promise; please continue. Thanks for sharing your work.

He is much smaller that the man fucking his wife, when he turned after he was sprayed with oil (she was screaming so much he naturally assumed lubricant was needed) he was attacking. Everyman has the right to defend himself.

I'm sure a good defense lawyer could have sold it. Still a great story 5*

Well conceived and written, kept my interest throughout. End seemed rushed and incomplete. No follow-up about wife left an unfinished element that disappointed. Chapter 2?

It seems like you left enough story line material on the table to write another chapter. You might consider another law firm looking at the original defense and taking the case on for an appeal on temporary insanity paid for by his wife who is now feeling very guilty. Fuck jack he deserved every inch of body burn he got and a lifetime of pain for being a full blown asshole and bully. Consider a very remorseful wife desperately trying to get her husband back and moving away to build a "new fire free life".

He still goes to jail and the mountain wins a law suit against him?

With a little creativity and a sympathetic jury he could have defended himself against a mountain sized bully using the only thing close at hand. When Jack realized the cheaters had been discovered he came out swinging, the oil made the floor slippery, candles used by the lovers ignited the oil, and our agrieved husband ran out of the house to safety. If he had called the police and fire department Jack could have been in jail, he could have gotten his divorce and a promotion at the firm.

Very well writtten, engaging, kept my attention throuout !

MORE! Please, chapter 2 !!!

Good one!

So much better than the recent junk on this site. If this is your first effort, please continue with chapter 2. What happened with Kelly? Lot of room for chapter 2.

Nick passive attitude let jack bully him. Jack takes his wife , finally he stands up to the bully. But burning him and letting the wife off without payback . Was not a well thought out act. His wife moves on while he sits in jail. This crack law firm surely could have gotten him off with self defense , a mental break down , I'm sure the jury would be favored him. 7 yrs maybe 4 with good behavior . That ending sucked. Great first read please continue writing even adding to this story. He. Can blame himself for his passiveness that his wife strayed.

I do think this needs a sequal to see how he does getting out of prison, see what happened to Kelly, etc...

I would like to know what Kelly's thoughts were, e.g. guilt or disgust.

especially for a first shot. Coverage on wife was a bit thin (no BG/motive). Cries out for a sequel or 2.

The story of the wimpy guy who breaks isn't bad, and the story kind of implies that Kelly doesn't exactly respect her husband before the picnic,no spouse who loves their partner would laugh at the kind of cruelty jack inflicted on him and the fact she fucks jack is just the icing on the cake. It does leave a big hole, why doesn't Kelly divorce him? If she feels guilty or suddenly finds her respect for him why doesn't she contact him? That is a big plot hole.

The other thing is a high powered attorney wouldn't allow a client to go to jail lime that, with the bullying Jack did in the workplace, then screw g his wife and the protagonist acting like he did catching his wife in the act of screwing it would be a prima facie case of temporary insanity and given the publicity of Jack's bullying a DA would commit political suicide charging the hubby rather than agreeing to temporary insanity plea. As written the ending is weak, a,sequel could help tie it up.

Call me a knuckle dragger, but that "hot shit" line got me. Ordinarily, I don't like over the top violent revenge stories in Loving Wives, but he kind of just snapped in the moment (even noticing after the fact that he'd been laughing maniacally without realizing it) and he faced the real world consequences afterwards, so it didn't bother me this time. I'd feel bad for Jack, but you've got to know that if you fuck another man's wife in his own home, you're playing with fire.

Thanks for the story. Keep writing.

Cog

Needs a follow-up chapter or two.

As some have stated a High Profile attorney would have not allow this to happen concerning his jail time. With that said this story needs an extra chapter to clear up some holes in this chapter. I would like to give 5 stars but only 4 for the time being.

Now I want to experiment with WD-40 to see it that is plausible.

Life after prison

you need t o have the wife punished for her cheating maybe set her on fire to yes there needs to be another chapter

After but a day your first submission is now only two comments shy of 100. Almost all being complimentary, and requesting you continue to submit future works.

Your story is also now the second highest ranked of the past few weeks. JPB has a story slightly higher than yours, but based on the comments for his story a number of his fans reflexively gave him a 5 just because he is thought of as a legend. Since the average score for his works is just above 3, he is legendary for being prolific, not for conteny. Many of the comments for his story left one wondering how long before it drops into his average range.

Enough about him...

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!

Although I would have liked alternative ways of handling the situation better, it's your story -- and it was entertaining which is what it's all about -- so the story is a 5* one in my humble opinion

No shit Sherllock. That is the story. If he had gone around his whole life turning dudes into candleabras it would be a Crininal Minds episode. One of the best first submissions I can recall.

Personally, I don't condone setting anyone on fire and I might even piss on Knowles to put him out. Maybe. Well done GG.

Awesome but the husband was a wimp overall.

Good job .... WD40 is as useful as ductape.

For your first story that was well done.

Please write more. I would love to hear about what happens next.

Io fucking sad and pathetic. Insignia can go and get fucked by a cactus, BTW. 1*

but you leave a lot of JPB type of holes in the characters. Was Jack the first handsome man that ever showed Kelly some attention? Was she that easy to turn from loving loyal intelligent wife into shallow cruel stupid whore? She doesn't file for divorce, but yet she never even contacts her "husband" to explain, complain, bitch, beg forgiveness? And do these characters exist in a vacuum, with no family, friends, people who know them both and would get involved in his trial, failed marriage, and law suit against the company? And the lawyers just did their thing, and doesn't his wife get half of the award?

And what happened to Jack, does he still fuck Kelly, is he scarred for life? After he burnt Jack a new asshole you wrapped things up so brusqley and without much detail that, other than going to jail and winning some unknown suit against his employer, we don't really know what happened after the fire. Those details would have provided the balance to the first part where he is nothing but a pathetic pussy. In the second part, after the fireworks, you could have shown what he really possessed, down deep, where his heart and soul resided. Too bad you left his redemption stuck somewhere inside your head. Hope you can recover it some day, I think it would be an interesting sequel.

Thanks for the effort, it was pretty good.

And thanks for allowing anonymous comments. Many writers on this sight are bigger pussies than your main character.

Could definitely go further.

Do the finish better, it felt rushed, Could you have written a physical revenge without Jail? Could you have elaborated on how the wife went off the rails? The my wife is too hot for me cliché is tired.

On the plus side, when you were writing about his thoughts as his idiot betrayed him, you did really well!