Fire on the Mountain

We were sliding out of love with each other and we weren't even fighting. The strange thing was I wasn't even sure I was all that bothered by it. That notion actually worried me more than the thought of losing her. Before all this I would have sworn Kelly was out of my league and I would never be able to do as good as her again. Now I would look at this beautiful woman and the only thing that would cross my mind is traitor.

___

Weeks passed and it was quiet on the front again. Not a peep at work from Jack, but I could spot his wolf grin when he thought I couldn't. My new-found focus was on at work too. Nobody spoke to me at the office unless it was work related. I could sense their discomfort around me. I could feel their pitying looks. I was beginning to hate them all. My boss was shifting tough assignments away from me and thought he was doing it subtlety enough I wouldn't notice. I thought this was all from the grapevine after my humiliation at the picnic. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. There was a lot more to those looks I was getting as I was soon to learn.

The final death of my old life came in the men's room of my company's main lobby. I wouldn't normally use that one, but I had become so withdrawn, resentful, and spiteful towards everything. I was contemplating how all of this was eating my up from the inside as I stared down at my prepared lunch on my desk. To hell with it, I remember thinking, I need to treat myself. I haven't done that in a long time.

I decided if Jack can indulge in long lunches, so can I. My boss can suck it. I tossed my lunch in my trash can and headed to the main entrance thinking about the high end steakhouse downtown. On the way I needed to piss so I stopped off. Even though it was just a piss my mood was such that I went into the last stall. I had just finished up and was about to reach over to flush when two guys walked in to use the urinals.

They weren't exactly quiet but they obviously thought they were alone. I recognized them by their voices but couldn't place their names. Mike and Gavin something. They worked with Knowles in the dock and were a couple of lackeys. Seriously, we never really do grow up, do we?

"Hey, you sure you want wings? We have time to go for steak." asked the guy I think was Gavin. Damned if they didn't have the same idea as me.

"Not until after payday. The wife will skin me." replied Mike.

Gavin gave a short laugh. Mike felt the need to qualify the statement. "Hey, we can't all be Jack."

"No shit. I still can't believe he's fucking Nicky's wife."

What was that he said?

"Do you really think he is? That's ballsy, even for him?"

"Oh he'll yeah, man." Gavin said, "Ever since right after the barbeque. He practically picked her up there. He told me he was nailing her by the next week. They meet up at lunch. He's probably fucking her in dude's bed as we speak."

"Do you think Little Nicky knows?" Mike asked.

"Who knows, man? Who gives a fuck? Pussy piece of shit probably would cry and jerk off. The fuck could he do about it, anyway? Jack would beat him to death while he pissed his pants."

"Fuck, man. Maybe I'll take a turn."

"Yeah? Maybe I'll tell your missus you said that, then she'll give me a turn."

"You want that dried out old cunt, be my guest."

They laughed as they flushed. Fuckers at least washed their hands, although that meant I had to awkwardly stand in the last stall another 30 seconds. They never noticed me.

Well... how about that. Bizarre for the first thought, I know. It was at this moment I learned that it is possible to be shocked without being surprised. Unlike the guy here a moment ago, I didn't have a doubt in my mind that what I heard was the truth. It made so many pieces in my mind fit into place. That doesn't mean hearing it out loud didn't hit like a ton of bricks, though. The looks my coworkers gave me now made even more sense.

I completed my business on autopilot, not even registering my reflection in the mirror as I washed. The only thought in my head was that I know longer had any appetite, and I wasn't heading downtown when my car left the parking lot.

___

Well, had there been any doubt before I arrived at my house it would have been squashed when I saw Kelly's car and an SUV I can only assume belonged to Knowles parked out front. Fuck, they're not even trying to hide it. The neighbors are every bit as clued in to what was going on as my coworkers, I thought dismally. It's still so strange to me, looking back on it. I should have been feeling heartbroken in all this. Maybe I was, but the blue of heartbreak was completely washed out by the red wrath of betrayal.

My anger was a hot coal in the pit of my stomach. It occurred to me as I walked up to the front door that I wasn't the least bit afraid of Jack "The Mountain". Retribution occupied all of my cognitive ability at that moment. I've heard the expression, seeing red, before. Now I understood perfectly what it meant. It was if I had a lens filter made of hate over my vision.

They were audible through the door, but the sound of raucous sex was unmistakable once I opened it. It was a short walk up carpeted steps to visually confirm the reality of my marriage. They were both fully nude, so they weren't rushing through a quickie. From my spot at the door and the position of our bed I was mostly behind them but at enough of an angle to see them in silhouette.

Jack had Kelly her knees, with her face pressed into the bed while she bit down on the comforter as she screamed through it. I doubt she would have noticed me if I was in front of her. Her beautiful, pert tits rocked back and forth rhythmically as his admittedly impressive form pounded into her from behind. His grunting verged on shaking the walls. I could only imagine how loud he could yell.

"Ahh! Ahh! That's it, baby! Tell me you love it! Tell how much you need this dick!" he bellowed. That answered that. He raised his hand and brought it down with a loud smack on her quivering ass cheek. He didn't bring his hand back up but instead squeezed the color out of her flesh.

"Uh... Uhhh! Please... Please fuuuuuck... MEEEEEE!" my wife struggled out.

I'd seen enough. I spun around and backed up against the wall next to the doorway out of sight. Not that I needed to be particularly stealthy. I was still enraged, but strangely enough seeing them with my own eyes brought me back down to Earth a little bit. I wasn't going to charge in. I needed to weigh my options.

Somewhere out of the depths of my psyche my old self briefly crept back up to the surface of my thoughts.

Hold on. Nothing good can come from starting this. You can't do anything about it without making things worse. Just turn around and get some lunch. Pretend you never saw this.

But just as quickly the new me stamped it the old me back down.

Fuck that! You've stayed out of it your whole life! Look where that's gotten you. You're a little bitch with a faithless wife, no matter what you've told yourself.

I started thinking. I peeked back into my master bedroom for a second. My eyes bored into the back of Jack's head. I was furious with my wife, no doubt about it. But it was this fucker that started this. Kelly made a decision to cheat on me, but he has sought this out ever since he saw her picture. He decided I could be fucked with. That had to be answered in a way that he would curse his arrogance on his dying day.

Enraged as I was, I wasn't an idiot. If I challenged him he would pound me into a coma and my "beloved" would probably laugh and flick her bean while she watched. Then she would tell the cops I attacked him. Even if I sucker punched him it would go bad for me real fast. Maybe if I had a weapon. A baseball bat, maybe I have a crow bar in my garage. A good crack would go a long ways. But it was possible he could recover quickly. How hard could I really swing anything? He wasn't called "The Mountain" for nothing.

Maybe I could get a good shot at his head. But what of I killed him? I would be lying if I said murder wasn't on my mind just then, consequences be damned. But I knew I didn't want Jack Knowles to die that day. I wanted him to regret his decision to fuck with me for a long time to come. At that moment I had an epiphany. This wasn't just about me. This was about him. Jack Knowles had racked up a high balance on his karmic credit card. He had sailed through living the good life and shitting on others. But today his bill was coming due. A lifetime's worth of chickens were coming home to roost all in one day, more's the pity to be him. Now I felt I wasn't only justified in vengeance, but I was also the instrument of justice. I was about to balance the cosmic scales on Jack-ass.

So what could I do? I was outmatched. What does someone do when they're outmatched physically? They have to outsmart their nemesis. That's good. He's the kind of guy that could always find work as a fence post if shipping and receiving didn't pan out. But what good did that do me here? He's fucking my wife. What was I gonna do? March in there and give him a math problem?

No, no. I couldn't fight him and my wits weren't going to be of any use right now. No, for this I had to out-crazy my enemy. I had zigged my whole life. My wife and Jack had used that to fuck each other behind my back. It's time for a zag. You might wonder how long I pondered this to the racket of the man I hated most in this world fucking the former love of my life on my bed. Truthfully, my neurons were firing so fast that these myriad thoughts passed through my mind in nanoseconds. It takes longer to read, much less write, this train of thought than it took to think it.

I slipped back downstairs quietly. Not that I had to be really quiet but I wanted to make sure they didn't see this coming. I crept into my garage. In a cupboard above the little built in work bench I pulled out my trusty, almost full can of WD-40. Then I headed back inside and went to the decorative mantle where Kelly kept her scented candles and grabbed the lighter she kept there. My preparations complete, I snuck back to my bedroom.

As I snuck up behind him Lady Luck was, at last, on my side. I noticed that Jack preferred a macho, natural look. He was a pretty hairy guy and he evidently did not believe in any manscaping whatsoever. Better for me. As I was about to take aim his grunting got louder and more frantic.

"Ah, baby. You better get ready. I'm going to come soon. Ahh! Ahh!"

Perfect. I grinned. There is a God and he is delivering my enemy into my hands. Not only was I about to ruin Mr. Knowles day and, indeed, his whole life, I was going to blue ball him in the process; and after today the only pussy he was going to get he would either have to pay for or find a woman with a really specific fetish.

While Jack probably at least considered that one day I might catch them, maybe he was even looking forward to it, he likely never let it enter into his mind that I would get the drop on him. I imagine he thought I would cry or yell out in shock. Maybe lunge at him and give him the opportunity to beat the shit out of me and continue fucking my wife on top of my unconscious body.

So there is no doubt that the spraying sound behind him followed by the oily feeling across his back and the sudden pungent aroma of every man's favorite outside of the bedroom lubricant was so alien to him at that moment that his brain couldn't even register it for a long second. He was on the verge of blowing his load to boot.

"What the fu-" was all he could manage as he spun around too late to prevent an adequate coating of oil in his hairy back which continued onto his equally hairy front. He reflexively shut his eyes as the thin mist also hit his face, which worked for me, but not before he saw me. Fucking bonus, he doesn't even groom his pubes. I hope that at that moment he had enough presence of mind to realize what was about to happen to him. Maybe even have enough time to dismiss it. I mean, nobody is that crazy, right? I flicked the wheel of the lighter and brought it up to the cone of spray.

The effect was so sudden it even surprised me a little bit. The mist of trusty lubricant turned into a spout of flame. A second later The Mountain could change his nickname to The Human Torch. A second after that the screaming began.

I have no idea if Jack was an accomplished boxer, but the wild swing was easy to avoid. Admittedly, his first priority was probably to knock the can out of my hand. After that he took a couple lumbering steps at me swinging with both arms. Only his size worked against him now as I ducked under his reach. We had now switched positions in the bedroom and I resumed the immolation.

I took a quick note of Kelly, mainly to ensure she did not interfere. She had scrambled to the head of the bed and curled into a ball, eyes frozen wide in utter shock and horror. The primitive instinct of lust in her had dissipated immediately as the even more primitive instinct of get the fuck away from fire took over. I couldn't help but think that some illusion in her mind about how this confrontation would play out hypothetically was crumbling in on her as the new reality was setting in and she was having trouble accepting what she was seeing.

Jack was now panicked. He aimlessly made his way towards our dresser, shouting incoherently and swinging his arms at nothing in particular. I had a momentary thought of worry that the room might catch, but nothing in his immediate vicinity was that flammable so long as he kept moving. I also didn't care that much. It was entertaining watching the flaming figure freak out. I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. I mean, I had just discovered my wife in bed with another man. But he really couldn't be thinking clearly then. After all, he was on fucking fire.

A thought hit me just then. If this had been a movie or something then the main character would have a snappy one-liner at the ready. For the first time since all this began I felt the need to say something.

"Hey Jackie boy! Fire it up, mother FUCKER!!

Okay, I wish I could have thought up something better than that, but it was spur of the moment. The main point is I wanted my words seared into his memory for all eternity.

Heh heh... seared.

Finally, some part of his gray matter started functioning and he dropped to the ground and started to roll. That is an important safety tip. If you ever catch on fire- Stop, drop, and roll. However, it should be noted that stop, drop, and roll doesn't work if you're set on fire intentionally by the person you fucked over because you're a complete dickhead and that person is standing right there continuing to flame-spray you.

I did, at last, stop just after that though because I noticed the carpet was singeing. His rolling would stop it from going up, but not if I kept giving him a premature Viking funeral. The flames gave way to smoke and an acrid odor filled the air. His howls of torment subsided into pitiful moans of agony. I became aware that someone was laughing maniacally and then I realized it was me. I stopped.

As I stood there, I wasn't angry anymore. I didn't feel the rage or the hurt of betrayal. All I felt at that moment was exultation. The triumph of vanquishing your enemy. At that moment I understood the caveman as he crushed the skull of his rival from the next cave over, or the Ronin samurai as he felt his blade cut into the fiend that murdered his sensei.

I briefly surveyed my bedroom, confident a house fire wasn't going to happen. Then I spared one last look at Kelly. She wilted under my gaze, terrified she was next. But I was never going to harm her. As I turned to leave I thought I might have seen the barest glimpse of contrition in her eyes, as if the scales of the last few weeks had fallen off. Oh well, too late now. As I made my way to the front door the smoke alarm went off.

I stood on my front steps and casually tossed the WD-40 and lighter into the yard before having a seat. Perched there in front of my door a whirl of thoughts and emotions swept through me. I admit to a mix of fear and uncertainty about my future, but I didn't have an ounce of regret.

I pulled out my phone and for some reason clicked Facebook. I almost never use it and I am not exactly one that is inundated with friends and notifications. The only reason was that I knew this was going to get out and I felt the need to get my say in. I switched the post status from 'friends only' to 'public' and started tapping.

As people learn about what just happened I want it known that I will make no excuses or waste any weak words. Just suffice it to say, the guy in question had it coming. He thought he was hot shit. Turns out he was right.

That was it. I hit 'share' and tossed my phone over by the can. I sat and waited. It was a nice day. It seemed entirely too long of a time passed before I heard sirens in the distance. How long did my wife take to compose herself after her lover was out of the oven?

___

Turns out there was to be a lot of sitting and waiting in my immediate future. I offered no resistance to the police and spoke no words to them other than short affirmations of compliance as they put me in custody and processed me. I didn't speak during questioning. I knew I didn't have to and I didn't see the point. There was no doubt about what happened.

I never made any attempts to acquire a lawyer, so imagine my surprise when after a few days one materialized in the interrogation room for me. I explained to the guy, whose suit looked like it cost more than my car, that I had not asked for an attorney and even if I had I couldn't afford him. Kelly had likely emptied our bank account by now, and I just knew a civil suit was coming my way. He then informed me that I wasn't going to have to pay. His firm was offering their services in exchange for their chunk of the suit I was about to be file. Say what? Me file a lawsuit? That's news.

Of course, the occurrence at my house would get out, at least at my work. But I underestimated just how sensational it would be. Tack on my tacit yet vague statement on Facebook, and it went viral. I was getting my fifteen minutes of fame while I was sitting in a jail cell cut off from the world, none the wiser. Everyone at my place of employment seemed to love Jack Knowles, but it turned out not as much as they love juicy gossip.

The rumors spread like fire across Jack's body. That led to a few reporters. Nobody from the Times or anything, but the locals followed a salacious story. No doubt excited by the attention, the people that had kissed Knowles's ass now threw him under the bus. If I am being honest, they probably made it sound worse than I actually experienced. Not that I cared. Before the company could do anything about it, there were lurid stories of a hostile work environment that fostered a climate of harassment and abuse. The public perception was that I was a long-suffering victim and the company all but approved. It was only a matter time before I snapped.

My attorney and his firm weren't altruistic. They were sharks, and they smelled blood. In truth, I wouldn't have had a real case. But this guy was a pro with a big firm behind him and my company was waist deep in bad publicity. The lawyer was confident a settlement worthy of his time could be... negotiated without much trouble. In return for my cooperation, they would handle my suit as well as my case. I considered it pretty open and shut. Might have been the easiest case the police ever had. My new legal friend gave me reasonable assurances, however, that he had the ability to cushion my landing considerably. I had a clean record and a very sympathetic, very public set of extenuating circumstances.