For Friendship or Love?

"Rebecca Woods, may I have the pleasure of this dance?"

All I could do was nod. He took my hand in his and held my waist. I melted in his grasp and was lost in his eyes. He turned me. He dipped me. He spun me. With each return into his arms, our eyes would lock with passion. Near the end of the song, we stopped. He leaned in and I closed my eyes and pushed forward and, and, and nothing. I waited momentarily in his arms before opening my eyes. He had pulled back and I saw fear.

"Andy, it's okay."

"No I'm sorry." He grabbed my hand and we walked to a secluded table in the back. "Becky, I'm sorry for that. Your friendship means the world to me and I'm not ready for what we have to escalate. Please forgive me."

"Andy, it's quite alright. Everyone's allowed a momentarily lapse. I'm having a wonderful evening. Let's keep it going. C'mon."

I pulled him back to the dance floor. The rest of the night was enchanting. The dance was now over and he took me home. On my front porch, he embraced me tightly in a most heartfelt hug.

"I had a spectacular evening with the most spectacular girl. Thank you.'

"Andy, it truly was a perfect evening in every way. Thank you."

We finished our goodbye and I went to bed. He was almost ready for commitment. My dorky grin was back. The memory of this evening will be etched in the very grain of my soul for several lifetimes. Thank you Andy, my love.

A month later, high school was no more. My valedictorian speech seemed well received. Neither Andy nor I wanted a party. We settled for a combined dinner with his mom and sister and my parents. Afterward, we sat on his porch swing with my head on his shoulder in the warm June air with the stars and moon shining brightly overhead. There's something about graduation that creates the need to look to the future.

"Andy, I have to admit I'm nervous about college. I'm glad you're going to be with me"

"At first I didn't understand why they would tell me who was already attending there. Now I'm glad I chose U of M. Knowing my best friend will be there certainly makes college less intimidating." He began to run his fingers through my hair.

"Have you decided what you want to major in?"

"I'm not quite sure. I was thinking about business management."

"You'd be good at that. Any plans for your last summer of freedom?"

"I promised I'd take Sara to Cedar Point for a day, you can come too. Other than that, hang out with you and relax. I also got that two week baseball camp Coach Edwards wants the team to do before the fall semester."

"I will have no idea what to do with myself for those two weeks. You better come up with some suggestions for me."

"No, no. You're on your own with that."

Summer flew by. Most of the time, it was just Andy and I hanging out. We attended a few baseball games, had a few dinners together, and even made the two hour drive to Ann Arbor to get a feel for the campus. Cedar Point was a blast. We spent a day at the amusement park, spent the night at a hotel, and then went to their water park the next day. Our parents only agreed to the hotel because Sara would be there. They didn't have anything to worry about. We were just friends. The love I possessed for him was reciprocated with friendship. Hoping soon we'd be more.

Summer was over all too sudden. Andy left for U of M this morning. The next two weeks were going to be intolerable. I watched Sara a couple of times, but I mostly spent the time bored out of my skull. I don't even remember how I used to spend my time prior to Andy. I was lost without him. My heart yearned with the desire to fill the void that his departure created. The day before I was to join him, I had a revelation. Why am I waiting for him to decide? I was ready, and if he knew how I felt, he may be ready as well. After five months, I knew all his secrets and he knew all of mine, except one. No more. I love him and I'm going to show him. I'm going to walk right into his dorm and kiss him. That kiss will display all the passion he deserves and all the love in my heart.

I left the next morning at seven in the morning. I'd be there six hours before expected. I couldn't wait to see my love. The whole drive I was giddy as a schoolgirl. I couldn't drive fast enough. I arrived at eight- thirty, got a great parking spot, and headed to his dorm room. He wouldn't be up yet, but I didn't care. A good morning would definitely get Andy's attention. I went up the stairs and down the hall to his room. My hand made a fist and went to knock and I froze. I heard a female voice.

"I can't believe you're up right now. The past two weeks you haven't got out of bed before ten."

"I'm just excited to have the two girls in my life to meet. You and Becky are going to get along. I just know it. I'm so excited."

I left. I got into my car and drove. I didn't know where I was going. Home? How could I? My parents would know something was wrong. Another school? What, just arrive and hope there's an opening for a math student. Not likely. The best choice seemed to be to drive up a mountain and find a cave to live in. Maybe a bear can love me. I pulled into a parking lot, to what, I don't even know. The tears were too great to see anything. I sat there for an undeterminable amount of time. Years seemed to pass. Regret now invaded my thoughts. Why couldn't I tell him before? If only I had. I became red from the violence I inflicted on them. My anger turned to hatred for that girl, that bitch. I'll kick her ass. I felt I had a new mission. My phone rang.

"Hello!" I said violently.

"Becky?"

"Andy?" All my hatred evaporated.

"Are you okay? It's not like you to be this late. Your parents said you left at seven. Are you safe? I've calling for an hour and a half."

"What time is it?"

"A little after five."

"I'm almost there. Give me twenty minutes."

I looked up and noticed I was at a Taco Bell. I went inside to the restroom to clean myself up. My hands really hurt. I splashed my face with water and looked into the mirror. The only option was to accept I was too late. I'm sure this girl is great, bound to be better than Carrie. If she isn't, I'll be waiting, patiently.

I arrived back on campus and as soon as I was out of the car, I was mauled. Andy had put me in a bear hug and wasn't letting go.

"I was so worried. What happened to you?"

"I went the wrong way on the interstate. I didn't even realize it until the third hour. I was nervous about starting college and excited to see you. I lost my sense of direction. Sorry I missed your calls. I accidentally turned off my ringer." It was the first and last lie I ever told Andy.

"Well, I'm glad you're safe. C'mon, there's someone I want you to meet."

He put me down and we walked about fifteen feet to a bench where a young woman sat. As we approached, she stood up. She was 5'9" and 145 pounds. Her long dirty blonde hair was done in a ponytail and she wore a Michigan softball t shirt with matching shorts. An expression of intimidation was on her face.

"Becky Woods, I would like to introduce to you Melissa Sanders."

"Hello."

"Hello."

There was awkward moment of silence before Andy chimed in. "C'mon ladies, we've got a lot to discuss."

He went in between us and he pulled one of each of our arms. A surprised look adorned our both of our faces as Andy dragged the two of us to the student cafeteria. I've never seen Andy so enthusiastic. When we sat down, he couldn't keep still. As if he was sitting on a spring. Melissa and I looked at him, and then each other, trying to hold our laughter.

"Melissa is second baseman on the softball team."

"She plays softball? I couldn't tell with what she is wearing." I replied sarcastically.

"Ha, ha Becky. Anyways, we met on my first day here. Both of our coaches combined an orientation meeting for their respective freshman. We just hit it off, inseparable ever since. I didn't want to tell you over the phone."

I put my hand over his. "Andy, why don't you be a gentleman and get the two girls in your life some dinner. Melissa is obviously nervous about meeting me and I'd like to get to know her better as well."

He looked at Melissa and she blushed. He got up, gave Melissa a peck on the lips, and headed to the back of the line. This girl could kick my ass, but she was definitely intimidated being alone with me. I suddenly felt like the godfather. The momentary silence was getting to her.

"So, Andy tells me you two are very close. You like math, baseball stats, books, and classical music." She stumbled over every word. "I like most of those things too." She concluded with a nervous smile.

My turn. Melissa had tried to break the ice by hitting a wide variety of topics that Andy told her I liked. I leaned forward and stared directly into her soul. My question to her was four words and cut through the bullshit. "Do you love him?"

She was taken aback at the directness of my question, enough to hesitate briefly. "I didn't think love could happen so quickly. After two weeks with him, I can honestly say yes I do."

"Have you had sex yet?"

She was paralyzed. This was not how she envisioned this conversation going.

"I'll take that as a yes. Listen Melissa, Andy is very dear to me. I want him happy. I feel blind in this conversation. He definitely talked to you about me and it's great that we have a few things in common, but the only way we will be friends is if you treat him the way he deserves to be treated. In the past, he has protected me and I have no problem reciprocating the favor."

When Andy had left, Melissa had blushed a deep red. Now, as he returned, she looked as if she was an albino. My seriousness deteriorated and joyfulness came to my voice."So, Melissa, since you know quite a bit about me, tell me about your likes and dislikes."

For the rest of the conversation, Melissa spoke in short sentences. I actually learned more about her from Andy, as elaborated on everything she said, other than me not being athletic and them not being great at math, the three of us interchangeable. We had that much in common. It was becoming late and I still have to move in. Andy said goodbye to Melissa, as he volunteered to help me with my boxes.

"She seems nice Andy. She is absolutely petrified of me."

"Yeah, that was my fault. I kind of built you up, put you on a pedestal. I need for you two to get along. She's right for me. Nothing like the last one."

"Do you love her?" I bit my lip waiting for his response.

"Yes."

With that, my heart sank. I really was too late. It wouldn't be fair to make him choose. He said he needed both of us. Acceptance. Andy is still my best friend. When we got to my room, he gave me a hug and walked away, calling Melissa on the phone as he left.

"I was wondering when you'd show up."

"Huh? Oh." I turned to see my new roommate.

"Hi, I'm Shelly Winters."

Shelly stood 5'1"and had shoulder length raven colored hair with black rimmed glasses.

"Hello, Becky Woods."

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, just tired."

I left everything packed and laid down. I wasn't fine. I lost my love and treated Melissa like shit. Am I turning into Carrie? Acceptance was going to be difficult. I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, Shelly was waiting.

"Good morning, Shelly."

"Good morning, now what is up?"

"What do you mean?"

"People who are fine don't normally cry themselves to sleep. I am now missing my first college class ever to find out about my roommates problem. I want to help." She now smiled. "If not for the possibility for us to become friends, for at the very least, so I can get a good night's sleep."

I laughed a little the hesitated. "I don't know."

She sat next to me. "I'm not going to let you leave until you do."

I broke down. I told Shelly everything from Carrie and robot Becky to Andy and Melissa. It felt as if a huge weight was lifted from my chest.

"Well, the way I see it, you have three options. First, you could fight with him and Melissa. Essentially becoming that Carrie girl you hate. Second, you could embrace them and still be his best friend and find somebody else, which is what Andy obviously wants. Third, be honest with him. He may choose you." She gave me a hug. "I'm sorry I can't give you a direct answer. I hope I narrowed the choices down. Unfortunately, I got to go before I miss my second college class ever. I'll see you later. Good luck."

I don't want to be Carrie and if Andy rejected me, I'd be alone. I've been alone before, every night before I met Andy. I chose option two. It worked as well as it could. The three of us hung out as much as we could. Melissa and Andy had a great relationship. The love they showed was unrelenting. I apologized to Melissa and her and I became good friends. When Andy was busy, Shelly, Melissa, and I would have a girl's night out. However, there were times I felt like a third wheel. I have declined invitations to go with them, saying I had too much homework. It was never a lie, but also not 100% true. I fell into a routine, school, homework, and hanging out. During baseball season, I went to all the games and most of the practices. I needed three seats for all the binders, notebooks, and my laptop I had brought with me.

My sophomore year, my routine stayed the same. My heart hurt more. It was pacified by still being able to hang out with Andy, but then ran over every time they kissed. Come baseball season, I had my usual three seats. A bald headed short fat man who wore sunglasses named Coach Edwards approached me.

"I remember you from last year, sitting here with all this crap. I thought it was homework, but now I'm not so sure. Who are you and what are you doing at my field?"

"Becky Woods, math major and for fun I do baseball statistical analysis, sir."

He laughed.

"What's so funny?"

Still laughing, he responded. "In all my years I never had anyone say that to me before. Okay, let's see what you got."

"What team? What player?"

He stopped laughing. "What teams do you have?"

"I have everyone you played last year, all the teams you'll play this year, some top ranked teams, and, of course, your team."

"Just pick one for me."

"Alright." I picked up a notebook and handed it to him.

He opened it up, glanced at the top page, and then stared at me. "You did this?"

"Yes."

"Can I have copies?"

"Sure, but why?"

"You are very detailed young lady. I can use this for strategies on the field. How often do you do this?"

"Mostly when I am here, but I do some daily."

"Well, I guess I'll be coming to see you every day. Better yet, can you meet me in my office an hour before practice?"

"That shouldn't be a problem."

"Outstanding. See you there."

Another item to add to my itinerary. Meeting with Coach Edwards only took a half an hour. I would give him sheets, explain my notes, and leave. I wasn't sure how he could use my information. He seemed eager to have it. I was glad I could help.

My routine stayed the same until two days before my senior year. The unthinkable happened. Shelly's mother passed away and she transferred so she could live at home and help her dad out. We were still friends and talked two or three times a week, but it's not the same. She was my rock. She kept me from breaking down or becoming too jealous of Melissa, to not be Carrie. The flame in my soul for Andy grew to a wild fire with her absence. To supplement the loss, I began attending mathematics seminars, anything to keep my mind off of my splintered heart. By Christmas break, my sanity was certainly being tested. Andy went to Melissa's to meet her family and I went home. I returned back to campus a few days early. I felt so empty. I went to another seminar.

"Hello."

"Hi." The man in front of me was 6'0, slender, in his mid twenties, with dark brown hair. His black suit fit him well, as if it was tailored.

"I've seen you at a few of these before. I'm Bryan Callahan of Clark, Green, and Reed. Who do you work for?"

"I'm Rebecca Woods and I don't work at the moment."

"That's surprising. Do you have any references? I might be able to get you an interview."

"I haven't graduated yet. I'm just a math junkie."

"Me too. Would you be interested in going out to dinner with me sometime?"

"Really? You want to go to dinner with me?"

"Absolutely, how about Friday at five."

"Okay."

When Andy and Melissa returned, they came to my dorm room. After the three of us embraced, we all sat down. Melissa and Andy on my bed and I in my office chair.

"How was California you two?"

"It was fun. Melissa's family was great."

"I will never understand why you chose Michigan over southern California."

"It's not that bad here. Besides, I wouldn't have met Andy. How was your vacation?"

"It was good."

"Melissa and I were wondering if you're interested in celebrating the New Year by going out this Friday?"

"I can't."

"Why not? You cannot possibly have homework."

"No, not homework, I have a date."

"You have a date!" Melissa cheered as she got up and gave me a hug.

"A date?" Andy stated much less enthused. "Who's the mystery guy?"

"His names Bryan and I met him at a math seminar two nights ago."

For the next couple days, Andy seemed reclusive. Even Melissa asked me if I knew what was bothering him. I didn't. It is now date night. I excited. I was nervous. I was to meet Bryan on a bench outside my dorm near the parking lot. He pulled up in a Mercedes. I sprung to my feet and with a bounce to my step, I headed toward his car. He met me at the passenger side door, took my hand, and, with a smile, helped me into his car.

We ate at a place called "The Chop House". The menu was pricey, the food superb, and the conversation was descent. The Museum of Art was next on his agenda. There was something about Whistler's painting "Sea and Rain". It was captivating. Afterward, we went to a karaoke bar. I've never done karaoke before and I definitely had reservations about it. With Bryan's urging and his reassurance that he would be up there with me, I reluctantly got up onto the small stage. We first did some fast paced songs and I was starting to find my groove. Not that I'm going to be the next American Idol or anything, but I did begin to enjoy myself. Bryan then surprised me by picking a love song. As the music began to play, I recognized it immediately, Edwin McCain's "I'll Be". I only made it a quarter of the way through the song before I went back to our table. I was haunted by the memory of Andy and me at prom.

"Are you alright? What happened up there?"

I took a drink of water. "Something was caught in my throat. That's all."

"Do you want to go back up there?"

"No thanks; let's hang out here for now."

We talked for a little while before we were both ready to leave. He dropped me off at my dorm around two-thirty.

"I had a nice night Bryan. Thank you."

"It was great. Would you mind if I call you to go out on another date?"

"Sure." I then kissed him lightly on the lips. "Good night."

Bryan is a sweet guy. He put up an effort and definitely tried to make a connection. Conversation was descent, not great. He was funny, not hilarious. He was slightly above average looking, not handsome. I wasn't lying when I said he could call me to have another date. He could and I would. Something was missing. Are my standards that high or is it just my love for a man I cannot have? I have to get Andy out of my head. I hope Bryan is the solution.

I headed down the hall to my room. My door is open and a light shone in the hall. Since Shelly transferred right before the semester, I don't have a roommate and I know I closed the door. I moved slower, now wondering who was in my room. I reached the door frame and cautiously peeked in. It was Andy. I took a deep breath, relieved, and entered my room.