Guilty of Lov'IN the First

When finished, I sat for a few moments gathering my thoughts. Being fully awake now, I could see things more clearly. I relived the date with Bart in horror but when my mind drifted to being with Alex, I became calm and content. I wandered back to his room, closed the door and locked it, and slithered back under the covers and snuggled up against my sweet cousin.

As I lie there, sleep evaded me. Thoughts of Alex filled my mind. I thought back to our childhood and all the fun we had as kids. The water fights, tickle fights, slap fights, and wrestling matches. My mind drifted forward through time. We were now adolescents. Things were changing. He became annoying and I matured. I wasn't very nice to him.

Suddenly, we were teenagers and, although we weren't having all the fun we'd had as kids, our relationship was intact, and we were closer than ever. As rude and mean as I'd been to him, he didn't seem to mind, nor did he hold any grudges. He was just my friend and cousin.

Suddenly, I was standing in my window as Alex showed me his bloody knuckles. I felt it in my heart first. Then the sensation moved into my pussy. After seven years, I still get horny when I think about that night. I felt my pussy tingle and knew my juices were beginning to flow.

I tried to think of something else. Try as I might, I couldn't get the 'Night of Mark' out of my head. I was suddenly shocked to realize I was humping Alex's hip with my pussy. I gasped. He snored. I humped some more. GOD! IT FELT GOOD!

'HEY, DUMBASS,' I said to myself. 'YOU'RE DRY HUMPING YOUR COUSIN, PERVERT!'

I snapped back to reality. Alex slept. 'THANK GOD,' I thought.

I rolled off him. 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?' I asked myself.

'I'm just horny," I answered.

'FINE! BUT DON'T RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ALEX BY MESSING AROUND WITH SEX!' I scolded myself.

'I need to rub this out. Can I do that?'

'It's weird but go ahead. Just be quiet."

YAY! I just gave me permission to masturbate. Next to Alex. Smart move, me.

I pulled the drawstring and untied the shorts. I slid my hand in, under my panties, and down to my waiting mound. I touched myself.

'Holy shit,' I thought. 'I'm fuckin drenched.'

I started rubbing myself. I started on my clit. It was hard as a rock and so, so sensitive. I was already close to orgasm, so I slid my fingers down my slit. Up and down I moved eventually sliding my middle finger inside myself. My juices were flowing and leaking down my ass crack and soaking my panties. I was so fuckin horny.

Soon I was banging myself with two fingers of my right hand while my left was furiously rubbing on my clit. I felt the orgasm building until I erupted. I covered my mouth as I whimpered through it. I was scared I would wake Alex, so I was staring at him during the entire climax, which lasted much longer than normal. It took a moment for me to realized it was lasting longer because I was staring at Alex. DUH!

Alex snored.

When my orgasm finally died down, I pulled my fingers away, tasted myself on them, then rolled over and snuggled back against Alex. I threw my arm over his chest and my leg over his waist. Out I went.

####

I woke up again at 6:57. I was still spread out on top of Alex. He was still on his back and his left arm had found a way around my neck and shoulders. My face was nestled in on his left breast. The sparse hair around his nipple was tickling my nose. I giggled and rubbed the tickle away.

I ran my hand over his chest and down over his flat stomach. God, he looked sexy enough to fuck. I wanted him. I wanted him bad. But I couldn't think those thoughts. He's my cousin. More than that, he's my best friend. Fucking him would ruin everything. Nothing is ever the same after sex. I wanted him but there was no way in hell I would risk his friendship for a romp of pleasure. That's fleeting.

Funny I didn't stop rubbing my hand over his body. Hmmm.

I lost myself in thought. Not of Alex. My mind wandered back through time to that fateful night. The 'Night of Mark'. Alex wasn't a part of this wandering. I wandered forward in time. All my boyfriends popped into my head. Long term and short term. All the boys I sucked off and swallowed their load. All the boys I DIDN'T fuck.

"God, how many guys did I suck off?' I wondered and started counting. 'Jesus! I'm a fuckin slut,' I said to myself when the count reached ten. I wasn't done. When I finished, asshole Bart was number fifteen.

'What the hell is wrong with me?' I wondered. 'How can I be so loose with something I've been taught to treat as sacred?' Whether I believed in my parents' God or not, I started realizing that my well-earned reputation only served to put me in harm's way. Guys didn't want a relationship with me. Either they wanted a fantastic blowjob ... or they wanted to pop my cherry. Either way, it was all about bragging rights. NO RESPECT.

I started to feel real shame and real guilt. The right kind of shame and guilt. Life changing shame and guilt. 'How did I allow myself to become this?' I wondered. I always knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't living up to my own standards.

Most of you may be thinking that I'm being judgy of you and/or others. I'm not. These are my values I'm living. As a teen, the thought of being seen as a "slut" was appalling to me. Now, at age twenty-three, I was a slut, even though not one guy has fucked me. Guys were lining up to go out with me, not because I was smart, or funny, or talented. Well, I am a talented cocksucker. But did any of these guys know I had concert piano training? Did they care?

As I lie there having one life realization after another, I was feeling the full weight of guilt and shame. I started making vows to myself. I vowed to never let another man have power over me. I needed to be in control and I needed to be respected. I needed to demand respect and never accept anything less. I needed to be the lady that my best friend told me was inside me. Alex has told me for years that I sell myself short, just to be accepted. What has acceptance brought me? A belly full of cum.

My life goals were more important than that. I want a husband, kids, a house, a home, a family. My mind wandered to another place, a scary place, a taboo place. As scary as it was, I lingered on the thoughts. I was turned on.

My mind flashed back to my problems. I realized I was on my way to single motherhood. Or abortion. Or both. Those thoughts scared the shit out of me.

"What you doin, Cin?" Alex's voice brought me back to the reals.

I looked at his face. He had a strange look. "What?" I asked.

He didn't speak. His eyes darted down. I followed them. "HOLY SHIT!" I cried as I looked at my hand holding and stroking his cock. I pulled it away and tried to move away from him "GOD! I'M SO SORRY, ALEX!"

His arm around my shoulder held me in place. He laughed at my reaction, realizing I was zoned out and had no clue what I was doing.

"Don't worry about it," he said with no hint of insincerity. "Happens all the time," he laughed. Yeah, that wasn't sincere.

"I can't believe I was doing that," I said, shocked with myself. "I am so sorry."

"Seriously, don't worry about it," he said calmly. "What the hell were you thinking about?"

"Wait," I said having my own realization. "How long were you awake? How long was I ... um ..." I didn't know how to phrase this, "um ... doing that," I said moving my eyes to point ... down there.

"You want the truth, or should I say I just woke up?" he said with a shit-eating grin.

"Truth, asshole," I said and slapped his chest.

"Ow. Damn, girl," he winced. "Okay. I was aware of what you were doing for about five minutes."

I turned red. "God. Kill me now," I moaned. "Just shoot me and bury me in the backyard. I am so fuckin embarrassed."

"Don't be," he said. "I actually enjoyed it. No, I really fuckin enjoyed it." That damn grin. I hate that grin. God, I love that grin. I was torn. No I wasn't. I love that grin.

"I really am sorry," I said again.

"Yeah, I get it. You're sorry," he replied. "What were you thinking that had you all zoned out?"

"That's even more embarrassing," I said after a little thought. How can I tell him I was thoughtlessly stroking his cock while feeling all the shame and guilt of being a slut? "I think I'll keep that to myself," I said.

"OH, NO, NO, NO!" he shot back. "You're not leaving here until I know what you were thinking."

I knew he wouldn't let me leave. I wanted to dig my heels in but, at the same time, I wanted to share my new insights with the one person in my life I knew wouldn't judge me. The one person who would still love me and accept me. I relented.

"Fine," I said. "You're gonna think this is stupid though."

"So," he replied. "Not much different from any other time you've opened your pie hole."

I laughed. I love how his sense of humor puts me at ease. I still slapped his chest though.

"Fine. Damn you. I was thinking about the night you beat the shit out of Mark because he sorta assaulted me, even though he really didn't."

"Bullshit," he shot back. "You can't convince me of that."

"Why would I lie now?" I asked him, "His family moved away the next year. I've never seen him since that night and don't even know if I'd recognize him today if he passed me on the street."

He thought for a moment. "Good point, I guess," he finally said. "So, are you really telling me you tripped over the crack in the sidewalk?"

"That's what I've always told you," I said with the pride of telling the truth.

"You are one clumsy ass," he laughed.

My pride wilted. "Tell me something I don't know."

"I liked you rubbing me," he said.

"Seriously?" I said with embarrassment. "Can you never mention that again, please."

"Sorry," he said. "I seriously don't know if you know how much I liked it." I shot a dagger at him with my eyes. "OKAY! OKAY! Shutting up. Now tell me what you were thinking, slut."

"You're an insufferable asshole," I said. He smiled with pride. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Unbelievable."

"Yes, I am," he said. "Okay, back to the 'Night of Mark'.

"Right, okay," I said. "Anyway, I started thinking about all the guys I've been ... nasty, I guess is the best way to put it, nasty with. Do you have any clue how many?" As soon as I asked, I knew I'd regret it. It was rhetorical, but he wasn't going to respect that.

"Yeah," he said. "Ballparking ... I'd say ... fifteen, sixteen."

My jaw hit the floor. "WHAT?" I said, shocked.

"Too low," he said with a smile. I smacked him again. "Oh. Too high. Damn, girl."

"Actually, you're spot on," I admitted. "Fifteen. Counting asshole Bart. How the hell did you know?"

"Well, aside from knowing every guy you've gone out with, and guys brag, you've been pretty 'braggy' yourself." His look upon me was very much less than that of a proud friend.

"Are you judging me?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied matter of fact. "And you deserve it."

"Ow," I said. I didn't have to feign hurt. That hurt.

He pulled me tight against him and hugged me. After a moment, he said, "Listen. We're more than cousins. Our bond goes deeper than blood. We call each other 'Best Friends', right?" I nodded. "Best friends tell hard truths to each other."

"Do hard truths need to be so hard?" I asked sincerely.

"If they were soft, they wouldn't be hard."

"Good point," I relented. I pondered my thoughts from before I knew he was awake. "It's weird that you said, out loud, what I was thinking five minutes ago. Hearing it from you cut me deeper, but you said the same thing I had come to realize."

"I never mean to hurt you but sometimes the truth must be set free," he said. I got it. I nodded.

"Thanks, Alex," I said, looking into his eyes. "I can always count on you to shoot straight with me."

"Yes, you can," he replied. "And you should always tell me the hard truths as well."

"Screw you. You're perfect," I laughed.

"Anything else you wanna tell me?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said diverting my eyes. "I'm ashamed of myself. You remember me always telling you I didn't want to have a reputation as a slut?"

"Yup," he answered. "How long have I been telling you about your reputation?"

Again, shame. "Too long." I paused a moment. "Before you woke up, I was making vows to myself. I vowed to never let a guy be in control of me again. I will demand respect and if they can't give it, they ain't getting me."

"Good for you, Cin," he said with pride. "That's good to hear."

"Damn right!" I said. "The 'asshole Barts' of the world are in my rearview."

He hugged me tight again. "I'm proud of you," he said.

"Thanks."

I started wondering if I should tell him the other half of my realizations. There was a reason I inadvertently started stroking his cock. Yes, it was inadvertent. No, I wasn't as surprised as I let on.

"Alex," I said weakly, "there's more I need to tell you."

"What's that?"

"I need you to do something for me. I hope to God you'll say yes, but it's gonna be a big ask." I was sweating bullets.

"Cin, you know I'll do anything for you, right?" he said.

I've never doubted his resolve. Until now. "This may be a first, then. God, how do I say this?"

"Open your mouth, and use your words," he said. Jerk.

"I want you to take my vir ..." Shit. I need to say it. "My vir ... my virginity."

"What?" he said looking at me in surprise. "Did you just say what I think you said?"

"I know what I just said," I replied calmly. It was a big ask for sure. "I need this, Alex."

"How the hell do you need this?" he wondered.

"You have no idea how many times I resolved to give up my virginity to someone, but I couldn't. I couldn't because of you," I finally admitted. "You're my standard bearer. I compare every guy I go out with to you."

"That's flattering and all, Cin, but how does that translate into me taking your virginity?"

"Fair question," I answered. "You don't know this but since the 'Night of Mark', I've been sexually attracted to you." His eyes popped open. "Don't look so shocked. It's true. I have a confession to make. When you were outside my window telling me how you kicked the shit out of Mark, I was on the other side of the wall masturbating. I had three orgasms with you standing face-to-face with me.

"You were not only sweet as hell, you transformed from 'Alex, my cousin and best friend' to 'Alex, my defender, my man'. It changed how I looked at you. You're the standard by which every guy has been judged."

"You're shittin me, right?" he said in disbelief. He looked like I just shot his dog. "No fuckin way!" he said. "Stop. Just stop. No fuckin way."

"Way," I said. "I've always put my feelings for you on the back burner. I've never thought I would want to act on them. I know you're sexually attracted to me as well. You wanna deny it?"

He looked into my eyes, looked away, then back into my eyes. He shook his head.

"I've seen your lust many times. I'm sure you've seen mine." He nodded. "I must say I'm awfully proud of both of us for never acting on those lusty feelings."

"Then why now?" he asked.

"Another fair question." I paused to put my thoughts together. This needed to make sense. I reached up, grabbed his chin, and turned his gaze to mine. "I've never lost my virginity because when I think about it, you're the one I've always wanted to give it to. I realized that I can't move forward in my life without giving you the most precious gift I can give a man.

"I need that man to be you. I need one moment. I don't want an ongoing sexual relationship with you. One and done. I'm very clear on that."

I studied his face. He nodded. He shook his head. He nodded again. He shook his head again. I appreciated that he was putting a lot of thought in. This wasn't a frivolous offer and a serious reply was needed.

"I need to ask, Cin," he said quietly. "Have you thought past that one night, that one moment? Have you thought about the damage having sex could do to our friendship?"

I nodded. "Yes. I can't think of an answer, other than it would destroy us or make us stronger. I have faith in strength."

He went back to nodding and shaking his head as he pondered the pros and cons of my proposition.

"Do you need more time to think?" I asked him. "You shouldn't rush into a decision on this.'

"No," he answered. "I think I can answer this now."

My stomach started churning. 'I'm gonna be sick,' I thought to myself. I thought asking him would be hard. Waiting for the answer is a hundred times worse.

He teared up. He tried to fight it. A tear broke free and slid down and off his cheek. Followed by another.

"I love you, Cindy," he said with a broken voice. "Always have. Always will. I don't know when I started feeling attracted to you on a sexual level, but it was probably about the same time.

"I'm honored that you want me to have your virginity. I know you well enough to know that wasn't easy for you to ask. But, you asked."

He wiped his tears away and continued. "I have a confession to make as well." He paused to gather his thoughts. "I'm a virgin too."

"WAIT! WHAT?" I was shocked. "How are you still a virgin? I've heard girls talk about having sex with you. You've never denied it."

"Why would I deny it?" he answered. "That's man-card suicide."

"Wow. You're a virgin," I repeated.

"So, the answer is, yes, Cindy. I would be honored to give you my virginity and for you to have mine."

BUTTERFLIES! SERIOUS BUTTERFLIES were flitting around in my stomach. And in my pussy.

"OH, MY GOD!" I said and threw both arms around his neck. "You're going to make me the happiest woman on the planet."

"You've got that backward, Cin. I'll be the happy one," he said.

"GOD! I'M EXCITED!" I blurted. "How are we gonna do this? Do we pick a day? Book a hotel room? Buy each other gifts? WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO?"

It seems like every time I've faced a hard choice, Alex was right there with the perfect advice. He's very wise. I was in a tizzy with excitement. I couldn't trust my judgment. Alex would be my rock. Again.

He didn't answer. I started to doubt my excitement. Shit. Too much? I'm scaring him away.

Still no answer. He just stared at me. Like a fuckin statue.

Suddenly, he moved. He reached out, placed his hand on the back of my neck, and pulled me to his lips for a kiss. We've kissed before. On the cheek or a light peck on the lips. This was different. As soon as our lips met, his parted and his tongue danced across my lips. I was shocked and aroused. His tongue pushed through my lips and forced me to open my mouth.

'OH, MY GOD! I'm kissing Alex. KISSING HIM! Like a lover. Like MY lover.' I thought to myself. I can't describe the feelings shooting through my body. I can call those feelings what they are. I had a fuckin orgasm while he played tonsil hockey with me. Our lips and tongues were touching. Nothing else. I had an orgasm.

I moaned into his mouth and moved to hump his leg. I pushed my tongue to the deepest recesses of his mouth. I was insatiable. I wanted more. I wanted more NOW! I started tugging on his shirt, pulling it out of his shorts. The kiss didn't break as we both sat up to remove his shirt. I pulled back to get it past his mouth then the forces of nature slammed that distance shut.

His shirt hit the floor. He fumbled with my shirt, his shirt. He tugged it up and over my head. My breasts were free and dangling for his amusement.

"Holy fuck," he muttered before taking them softly in his hands and kneading them.

His hands felt heavenly on my tits. His mouth followed and soon my tits were covered in his saliva. I moaned and pulled his head into my chest.

"Oh, fuck, Alex," I moaned. "Suck my tits, cuz. God! I can't believe this. I've dreamt of this day. My dreams are coming true."