All Comments on 'Heavenly Cloud Gentlemen's Club'

You forgot to write, "Chapter One."

need to update/inform your readers as to the future of this tale...

don't guess she knoiws about communications, you know, just ask your husband, one cheating here is the wife.

EOM

It's kind if short even for a chapter 1. These not quite enough idea developed here to pique the interest, just a quick premise and a sex scene. I like your idea though.

Thanks for the input. It has been awhile since I have written anything. Kind of rusty. Chapter 2 will finish this story, sort of. Sara will discover the truth about the Club and her husband

I read your comment about Sara. I did not realize I had given the friend the same name as the wife. Got excited in writing the story, I guess. Beginner's mistake.

Way to short.we could have gotten more detail on husband and why no children . You could have confronted him on his changing sex drive. So in the next chapter you are going to end this short story?

More like an opening paragraph. Not enough here to really make it worthwhile.

And then? Hmm, two women named Sara and neither one with an "h". Duh. Try again, please. Writing was good -- for starters. Cheers!

3* for the try...but this is just the prelude of the story, I think...The way the story will go it's competence of the writer...Will you destroy this marriage?

As this is your debut as a Lit author, I have some advice that I hope is helpful.

1. Write what you know. Write about your experiences and the subjects where you have some knowledge. Before I even looked at your profile, I guessed that you aren't a 29-year-old woman -- or even a woman. Writing a first-person account from a female's perspective is very difficult for most writers to pull off.

2. As others have noted, this is clearly a first chapter, and should be labelled as such. However, I would suggest that this doesn't even work as a first chapter, because you've given the reader little incentive to keep reading. This would have worked better if you had submitted the story in its entirety, IMHO.

3. Whenever possible, avoid describing characters with statistics. The beginning of this story seems like we're reading the back of a baseball card. Don't say a woman is 5'5"; say she's average height. Use words, not numbers.

4. When you write a quotation, all punctuation should be within the quotes. Instead of:

"Heavenly Cloud, how may I help you," answered a woman's soft voice?"

It should read:

"Heavenly Cloud, how may I help you?" answered a woman's soft voice.

5. You juxtaposed "than" with "then" more than once.

6. 36C breasts are not overly large.

7. Most 29-year-olds wouldn't be shocked to learn that people masturbate and enjoy oral sex. Again, write what you know, in your own voice, and from your own experiences.

good title, draws me in right there.you start one story that has possibilities then we change to a lesbian story except you stop. Either story would be good,even coupled together it could be decent but I'm left hanging on a short rope. Other authors that write like this I stop reading. I feel that you can put out a great story if you finish the chapter at least. This wasn't even a tease. because you stop to soon. Looking forward to some ump pa pa in your hopefull continuation in one of the two plots.

If we assume it is a stand-along story, then it is in the wrong category. Why the assumption? Is there ANY evidence there is a continuation coming? Like Ch.1, or a quick statement as a preface, or an end statement like To Be Continued or More to follow!

If we assume that no sane writer would through in a Finis at a point like this, then there should be a Ch2 (despite no Ch1)! But we have two to four major plot points developing. Hubby's avoidance of his connubial duties, and Sweetie's new appreciation for the art of Lesbos! Plus an Erotic Service station which sounds delightful. Throw in a new wrinkle on an old BFF. How to juggle all of them?

Did she have wine, did she have a experience with the club, was the neighbor even dressed. Thats all the questions because you didn't tell us anything.

Next.......

To harsh?

Who forgot to label this as Chapter 1 or Part 1 what ever. It's either a good start or a dumb flash!! Thanks for sharing anyway.

Vary for very, say for saying, than silence should be then silence, just to name a few. Also incomplete

It is great! Made me want to meet you at "the club!"

Really poorly written with dialog that would be unusual for anyone born on the planet Earth.

love the story1!

Why do they always awake to find that they are now whores.

they are people consenting to enjoying themselves, nothing illegal in that.

John and his wife, even with being drugged, said Stop. That means they were raped by Frank and Sara. No mention was made of whether birth control was in use so both women could get pregnant with the wrong man's baby.

I realize this is just fiction but having seen what shit like this has done to real people, it just rubs me the wrong way.

I liked the story, it was fun and kept my attention. I liked that the author kept the story moving along, enough detail to follow and make it somewhat believable, but not so much that it was boring.