Hello Dahlia Ch. 04

Then her husband was killed and suddenly an email was all I had to show for the love I thought was going to change my life.

I went to bed, but sleep would not come. Although we only made love in this bed once, everything reminded me of her. It had been months since she was in this room, but I thought I could smell her perfume.

I finally got up and started to draft an email to Dahlia. It was hard, because I did not know what to say. I did not even know what I felt. Finally, as the sun was rising, and after dozens of revisions and two restarts, I was ready to press "send".

Dearest Dahlia,

I am so glad to know that you are safe, and for that reason alone, your email was appreciated. I don't know how I feel about the content.

I assume that Javier's death was the trigger that prompted the new journey upon which you now embark. With all that has happened recently, you certainly should get your arms around everything and discover what you want from life.

The finality of your message makes it clear that you see no romantic future for us. I think, however, given the intimate details of our lives and ourselves that we shared with one another, we are, at least, friends.

As a friend, I can tell you that change is stressful and nothing is more stressful than the death of a spouse. Knowing this I can certainly understand your misgivings and apprehensions about embarking on a new path this soon after such a loss. But I would like to remind you that our relationship (and dare I say, our love) started long before your husband's death. As I told you when he was first arrested, he is the cause of his own problems. He put himself on the course of self destruction by the decisions he made.

If your journey of discovery is for yourself, then it is a good thing. If it is to ease your guilt about something you feel you have done wrong, you are punishing yourself for something in which you had no part and for something over which you had no control.

Before I met you, I was like a man drowning in a pool. All I could focus on was the water that engulfed me. Survival was my only thought, so I thrashed in the water without looking at what surrounded me.

Then by accident or maybe by divine intervention I found a lifeline; I found you. I was able to relax and look around at my options and to think for the first time about what was on the horizon and not what was swirling around me. With the help of that lifeline, I was able to climb out of the pool of my loneliness, save myself and find love.

And now, things are reversed. You are drowning in a sea of emotion, guilt and obligation. You are not thinking of the future because it takes all your energy to survive the present. Like me, you need a lifeline, and I can be that lifeline, just as you were for me.

For an all too brief a time, you held fast to the lifeline I offered; you could look up and see the horizon and what your life could become if you would just let go of the guilt you carried. Now, in the email you sent, you let go of the lifeline and now you are thrashing in the water again, hoping only to survive until the next day, hoping things will get better.

I am still here, I am still your lifeline when (and if) you choose to grab it. This does not mean that you are making a long term commitment to me. It only means that you trust me to bring you out of a difficult situation, and that I am the catalyst to change your life from despair to happiness.

Just as you were my catalyst to give me hope and happiness, I can be that catalyst for you.

Love,

David

I know she got the email and read it (or at least opened it) but she did not respond. I sent her several more, but the last two were returned as being undeliverable because "no such email address exists on the system."

June 4, 2009 should have been a great day for me. June 4 was the day I turned the completed project over to the client. Despite all the distractions I completed it in less than 18 months. I was collecting a cool $250,000 bonus: who wouldn't be happy?

But something else happened on June 4, 2009 that made the accomplishment seem shallow and meaningless. I finally got an email from Dahlia.

It was short and the meaning very clear:

David,

Please do not try to contact me again. I have moved on.

Dahlia

I spent the next few days closing down the office and packing up my belongings. I figured the apartment would be my retirement home until Dahlia and I found a place together, but obviously that was not going to happen.

I threw everything into my truck and said good bye to what was left of my staff. I headed for Juarez so I could cross into El Paso and pick up the diamond that I had so lovingly selected for an engagement ring on our glorious weekend in Puerto Vallarta nearly four months ago. How could things change so quickly?

From El Paso, I would head for home, but where was home? I thought it would be in Mexico, but as I crossed the border, Mexico became just another foreign country where I had completed a project.

AFTERWORD

This story does not have a happy ending; it just has an ending. As in most love stories, one person gets hurt, while the other inflicts the pain. Sometimes latent desires and dreams are brought to the forefront only to be dashed to pieces.

I often about what I would have done differently, and I guess, the answer is nothing. The time I knew Dahlia and loved her is time I will treasure until the day I die.

Dahlia told me she moved on. I don't know if I emotionally moved on or not. I am now 56 years old, and I did retire, but after less than six months, I went back to work. I did a quick project in Rwanda and am back in Milwaukee until the next job comes along.

I don't know what happened to Dahlia. I have not heard from her in the 18 months since I got the devastating email. During my short-lived retirement, I went to San Diego to look for her, but finding a person name "Rivera" in San Diego is like searching for a needle in a haystack. Even though I was not successful at finding her, I felt better for having tried.

If anyone in the San Diego area knows Dahlia Rivera Lada, please tell her that David is thinking of her.