I Need You, but You Needed Me More

"Oh my God! The pillows!" Jessica screamed, wide-eyed and flushed with embarrassment that she had forgotten. "I'm so sorry I'll-."

"Sit on the couch and do nothing until I get back with the pillows." Hope said with finality, stopping Jessica as she tried to stand up. Hope walked back to the bedroom, getting slightly dizzy with the effort. The day had taken a heavy toll on her so far, and it was nowhere near over yet. She had no idea how exactly she was going to reach Jessica, but knew she had to try, her only game plan lay inside the box in the living room. If that did not work, she would be at a complete loss of what to do. She gazed around the bedroom again as she entered it, how much effort Jessica had put into making that evening special for Kittie. She picked up two pillows and made her way back out, her body trembling at how unfair everything was. If Kittie had waited a few more hours, if she had only waited. Now she was left to pick up the broken pieces, and she was not optimistic about her chances. Still, she had to try.

Hope emerged from the hallway, peeking around the corner at Jessica. The brunette stared blankly ahead, her gaze anywhere but the room she inhabited. It was a sobering reminder for Hope how Jessica must have spent the majority of the past two weeks, her entire consciousness locked away in a private hell beyond whatever spot on the wall her eyes happened to be resting upon. She walked slowly forward, and began arranging the pillows on the sofa. At least she would be somewhat comfortable enough to try to bring Jessica around. She sat next to Jessica and began fumbling with the box that she had placed on the coffee table. The slight intake of breath next to her let her know she had caught Jessica's attention. She was aware of the brunette's eyes studying her every move with ill-disguised interest.

"It took me all day-," Jessica began as one by one Hope removed the contents of the box,"I cleaned the apartment top to bottom. I was trying to cook at the same time. I think I burned myself twice trying to baste the turkey. I can be so reckless at times. I wanted everything to be ready for when she, when she-." Jessica swallowed hard, trying to fight her sadness.

"I laid out everything, it was getting late. It took time, laying out our dinner. The candles, the rose petals, everything. It took a lot of time, It seemed to drag on forever. It was worth it to me. The stress, the worry that I did not have everything perfect. I was afraid that I may have screwed up on the turkey."

Jessica rose slowly from the couch, her movements watched with tearful attentiveness by Hope. Jessica laughed, a bitter, derisive sound. She walked across the living room toward the moldy, decaying meal that would never be eaten by the people it was intended for and lay her fingers gently on what remained of a broken wine glass.

"To think that I was worried about a turkey and sipping nonchalantly on a glass of red wine as the woman I realized I loved more than life itself was suffering an awful, horrible death." Jessica said in a low voice, Hope was straining to hear the woman who was once again entering that world she had been living in. She could see the violent cycle it was leading Jessica through, a torturous path of misery that could have only one end.

"Jessica," Hope pleaded in a cracking voice, "come sit with me, please?"

Jessica looked at her blankly and made her way slowly back to the couch. Hope handed a notebook to Jessica, one of the items she had plucked from the box. Not a notebook really, a yearbook. Jessica recognized it instantly, it was from her Senior year in high school. She opened up the pages to look at the young faces from her past. The tears dropped silently onto the pages as she thumbed through the many pages. She located Kittie's picture, staring at the face of the fourteen year old firebrand who had back then been one of the few who dared to raise a voice let alone a fist at her. She remembered the graduation ceremony with great shame in her heart. She could still feel the smugness radiate through her body as though it were only yesterday, the time they were going to make Amanda pay for Elizabeth's interference in their business once and for all by cornering and beating the hell out of Amanda Mondale. The disgust she felt about how petty and vicious she was in high school could hardly be contained, she could feel the bitter taste of bile rising in her throat as she struggled to keep from vomiting over how she had been. She brought the yearbook slowly to her lips and kissed the picture, mouthing a silent 'I Love You' to the smiling face glancing at her from the page.

Out of curiosity, she turned the pages towards her picture. She saw Hope flinch slightly, and knew it was something she probably would not like seeing. She turned the final couple pages and looked where her picture should be.

She placed a hand over her mouth, the tears falling freely down her cheeks. Her picture had been completely blacked out with a Sharpie marker, the one-word headline above her picture piercing her heart like no other thing in her life could have save Kittie's death.

Bitch.

She sobbed loudly, no longer caring for decorum or appearances. She did not notice Hope picking up a notebook and thumbing through the pages. Hope began to read aloud as Jessica's tears of misery poured like a torrent from the skies above.

"Dear Diary,

"I am completely confused. One of the few people I have learned to hate more than anything is slowly turning into an obsession for me. So soon after Amanda left me, after all of the pain and heartache that abandonment caused me, I am finding myself falling in love with her, the bitch. I do not know what to do, what to think! I am not sure I can trust my heart to guide me in the right direction anymore.

'I know I shouldn't trust her. She has betrayed, double-crossed, and hurt too many people in high school for me to think she has changed. Yet, something tells me she has. Something in her eyes is different, the way she acts is not the same. Underneath the tough-girl front she puts on, I can tell there is a sweet and sensitive woman in there. She is vulnerable and is putting on a front, vulnerability scares her more than anything else. That is what I sense in her.

'Today was just a chance meeting, or was it? From everything she said, she made it clear she was sorry and was glad she had run into me to tell me that. I was kind of short with her. I could catch a glimpse of something in her eyes I had never expected to see coming from her, she was hurt. I mean, genuinely hurt. I felt bad, and all the while I couldn't help but think that with her supposed sorriness and her hurt expression this may have been more than a chance meeting between classes. I may be wrong, ever since Amanda left, my head has been completely off- balance. Am I losing it?

'She wanted to meet again, I said yes. I don't know why, but for some reason I did. There is something different about her now , something that confuses me. When she left me sitting on the bench, I was left feeling almost breathless. I have no idea how tomorrow night is going to end up. All I know is that something about her is reaching out for me. I felt it, I feel it. I will write again as soon as I can.

'Hope stopped reading as she became suddenly aware that the crying next to her had completely stopped. She glanced at Jessica, whose gaze was drawn to the jumbled, blocky letters that was Kittie's handwriting.

"She kept a diary?" Jessica murmured to herself.

"Yes. She wanted me to give to you. It was the only part of that letter I did not read at the Viewing Ceremony. She obviously wanted you to know something, and I think we should find it. It is somewhere in here."

"It's not right, that is her personal diary. We should not be going through her things." Jessica said as she tried to put the other notebooks back into the box. Hope moved the box quickly out of reach and gave Jessica a warning glare that stopped the brunette cold.

"Put them down, now." Hope ordered, still maintaining the unyielding stare. Jessica sat frozen, her mouth hanging slightly agape at Hope's suddenly domineering manner. She laid them back down slowly, her eyes looking like a child who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar and was awaiting the punishment certain to come. Jessica broke eye contact as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

Hope took that as a sign she had Jessica's compliance and continued on.

She flipped to the next page of the journal, and she knew her action had Jessica's full attention.

'Dear Diary,

'I can't sleep, not after tonight. Tonight was just as bizarre to me as it was wonderful. I can't really describe how it has left me feeling because of the confusion it has thrown me into. I'll explain.

'Yesterday, I had run into Jessica Long. It seemed for all intents and purposes to be some random meeting between classes. I am now sincerely doubting that. She apologized for being such a bitch in high school, and said she wanted to make it up to me and my friends. Now initially, I think anyone could have understood my skepticism. Jessica had been one of the meanest and most cruel people to ever set foot in school back home. The ironic thing was that I have only recently been abandoned by my girlfriend Amanda, who had once happened to be her favorite target.

'I still love Amanda, I wrote about that only a couple days ago. Yet Jessica seems to be able to stir many of the same feelings within me that Amanda had been able to. For the first time I was able to look at the girl through something other than the lenses of bitter hatred.

'She had apologized profusely, her eyes were genuinely remorseful. I could see the pain in her eyes as she tried to explain away what had happened in high school, and I could tell she had become used to telling the story. It was too well thought out to be anything other than a recited story from memory, one that has been told many times before- all of it with a sincerity much more pronounced what with the tears that rolled down her lovely opaline cheeks as she told it. I sat as patiently as I could for a person who needed to get to their next class, and right then I was still not trusting enough of her to be willing to listen to anymore than I really had to. After a few minutes of listening, I had come to realize I would not be making it to class at all. Jessica seemed to be in desperate need of my approval, and for whatever insane reason I was giving the queen bitch of Manchester High School the benefit of the doubt. We went to one of the nearby on-campus cafe's and talked in a quiet corner. I have to admit it was something like an epiphany that hit me while we talked- I realized just how honestly beautiful Jessica was.

'We were sitting in a corner booth, Jessica still trying desperately to win my approval. The early morning sun had finally burned its' way through the cloud cover that had obscured it. As Jessica sat talking, I was only half paying attention to her words. I was more interested in the irony of the situation, how the sun was able to burst through the veil of mist that had concealed it from view and light up her entire countenance with a glow that seemed surreal. It almost looked like she had a halo for the moment there.

'Yeah, right. The halo concealing the pair of horns, but like I said, benefit of the doubt. She has straight brunette hair, much like Hope's was before she dyed it blonde. I love Jessica's doe brown eyes, puppy dog eyes. Those eyes are dangerous. Her form is not petite or even skinny. She has gained some weight, but she seems to carry it very well. I like her breasts, not too big or small, just perfect in their size. Her lips are full and pouty and- WHAT AM I WRITING?

'Either way, she wanted to tell me she was sorry over my breakup with Mandy Bear and that she wanted to get together sometime, perhaps tonight. I agreed. So I got dressed that evening after I got out of my late class. Why is Biology so late in the day? Anyhow, I walked over to the meeting spot and spotted her standing there. She was absolutely gorgeous. She was wearing a little black dress and black heels. Her lipstick, though red, was kind of understated, and my god did her cleavage stand out. Her hair fell in lazy curls over her shoulders framing her beautiful face. The sun was already down, and she was gazing up at the stars. She was an absolute angel, an angel in the starlight. I felt my throat dry up instantly as I slowly approached her. When I reached her, she turned to face me with an expression in her eyes that was dreamy and mesmerizing at the same time, like this could not possibly be happening.

'My heart was beating so fast I almost thought I was having a heart attack. She reached out for my hand, and for the longest time we both just stood there. I do not know for how long. She never once let go of my hand, but kept it gripped tight, as if her life depended on it. I stayed that way for as long as I dared, but I had so many questions. Questions that needed serious explanation. Suddenly she turned to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. When she backed up I could see a slight embarrassment on her face, but she laughed so sweetly. We chatted and made small talk for a while. The whole time we chatted, the more clear it became for me- I am in love. I have no idea how it happened, but I have just fallen in love with Jessica Long.

"Small talk? I was baring my heart and soul to her and she calls it small talk?" Jessica asked with disbelief on her face.

Hope chuckled.

"Up to that time, you really hadn't given many people the opportunity to see what a wonderful person you could be, can you blame her?"

"I guess not, but I was being sincere. How can someone fall in love with someone who is insincere?" Jessica asked, her eyes downcast.

"Jessie, there are some things in life people will never understand, even about themselves. For some reason they are constantly moving one way when friends, family, karma, the alignment of the planets and boiling water tell them to go another."

"Boiling...water... " Jessica deadpanned as Hope laughed out loud.

" It sounded good at the time. Another blonde moment, I guess." Hope replied smiling.

"This is not a joke, Hope."

"No, it really isn't." Hope replied, a thoughtful look on her face. "Neither was cheating on three separate incidents. The last time in the bed you two shared."

" I apologized for that, Hope. If this is what you really came here for, you can leave!" Jessica shouted defensively. She stood up and pointed directly at the door, gesturing for her to do so with a trembling hand.

"Jessica, sit down. You need to listen to this. You've kept everything bottled up so long that it has eaten at you, and still is."

"Why do I have to keep listening to what a horrible person I am?" Jessica asked, lowering her arm. Jessica returned to the couch and leaned against Hope's shoulder. "All that I had been able to prove is that I am still that same old bitch from high school. All that I have done is hurt people. It is there in Kittie's own words."

"It is also in Kittie's own words, in these very same journals, how great a person you are. I read them all, and despite the flaws and the problems, I still got the sense of a wonderful, generous and loving person who can have fun and pull pranks that impressed Kittie of all people. She was not the type of person to impress easily. She was also not the type of person to go through troubles she didn't worth it. I really can't explain why she killed herself and how she convinced herself that was the best course. I knew her better than her own parents and this is not something I had ever seen coming. All I can tell you is that despite everything, she never once learned to lie."

Jessica sniffed against her shoulder, listening.

"I can also tell you this, she never would have put up with you after the first incident if she wasn't totally in love with you and convinced that you would come around. She understood, perhaps better than you know what you were going through. That is why she probably yelled and cursed and had a fit from hell, but never left your side. She had an ability to read people like nobody I have ever met."

"I know. It was kind of creepy at times." Jessica giggled.

"You were the most important thing in the world to her. And-"

The doorbell rang.

"-and, she is right on time." Hope said looking toward the door. "Could you grab that, sweetheart? Fat lady needs her rest."

Jessica nodded, giggling through her tears. Hope watched as Jessica opened the door and Sam burst through the doorway. As soon as she looked around the apartment, she gasped. She strode quickly into the kitchen dropping the food she brought with her as quickly as she could on the counter before racing to Jessica and embracing her in a hug.

"Oh my God, Jessie. What s been going on here? This is not good. I know a guy who can-"

"Sammie." Hope said.

"-said he has done wonderful things for them, and-" Sam continued droning on.

"Sammie!"

"-I guess what I am saying is, if you want me to I can put you in touch-"

Hope rolled her eyes and yelled louder, "SAMMIE!"

Sammie stopped, her eyes full of tears as she looked back at Hope. Hope merely gestured for her to look at Jessica. Jessica was smiling brightly, trying to contain her laughter. Sam looked confused and Jessica could see how Hope always thought Sam looked adorable when upset and could never deny her a thing.

"Alright, you two," Jessica said calmly,"I get it. Just please spare me reading her journal any more. I'm not sure I want to know all of her thoughts about me."

"Journal?" Sam inquired of Hope, who gestured to all of the books on the coffee table.

"That was your secret weapon, to air out all of Kittie's dirty laundry?" Sam asked incredulously.

"It worked, I guess." Hope replied.

"You assume way too much, Hope." Jessica said.

"Then you need to sit down again." Hope replied matter-of-factly.

"Kidding..." Jessica smilingly replied, holding her arms out as if trying to ward off some evil thing.

"And how much, exactly, did you two read?" Sam asked accusingly.

"She only read two entries." Hope replied with a shrug and Sam looked bewildered at both women.

"Two entries into her journal and you're saying you are over it?" Sam asked, not believing her ears.

"Not exactly. It will take time for me to ever get over it. Not sure I ever will. I think I needed someone to vent to rather than keep it all inside.

"Yeah," Sam said gesturing to the state of the apartment," you certainly seem to have managed that!"

"Really, Sam," Jessica said placing a hand on Sam's shoulder," I am a lot better now. Hope is a great listener, and I needed that more than any journal entry."

Sam shook her head side to side causing Hope and Jessica to stare at each other questioningly. Sam stood in the middle of the room looking between both of the women.

"I guess I bought all of this comfort food for nothing, then?" she asked with a sigh.

"Nope," Jessica replied with a grin. "That's the most important part of the grieving process."

Jessica walked up to Sam and hugged her tight.

"You two are absolutely the best. I couldn't go through this without you. I can never thank you enough."Jessica said before backing up. "Now let's eat, I'm famished."

******************

"Jessica! It's time to get up and get dressed!" Hope shouted as she pounded on the door. Jessica was typically an early riser, or so she thought. Kittie had always complained about Jessica getting up at four or five in the morning and making so much racket that she could not sleep. Hope was certainly not in the mood today to deal with an emotional wreck, Jessica was going to have to learn to let go sooner or later.