I Need You, but You Needed Me More

"Jessica! Stop hiding! We don't have the time for all of this!" Hope shouted.

No answer came from inside Jessica's apartment. Hope was getting increasingly agitated, they had less than an hour before the funeral service started and Jessica was going to make them all late. Hope felt Mark's hand rest on her shoulder and she whipped around.

"Do something about this, please? She is about to give me a heart attack, and I really don't need this at the moment!" The glare Hope gave him was all the reason he needed to take over. He knocked softly on the door, listening for any signs of movement. There was none. He heard Hope's sigh of frustration beside him and he knocked louder. Something was going to have to give soon, either Jessica or the door because Hope had never been the type to give even an inch. Still no response came from inside the room, and Hope had had enough.

Hope strolled down the hallway with as much purpose as she would allow herself and went into the hallway closet where she knew Kittie kept a small box of basic tools. Locating a screwdriver she walked back down the hallway and pushed Mark to the side. He couldn't help grinning from ear to ear as he watched with bemusement as Hope unscrewed the door handle from the door and popped the lock. Hope walked inside to see a stunning vision before her. Jessica was more than ready. She was dressed to the nines. Mark walked away to wait in the living room as Hope went in slow circles around the brunette.

"I'm not sure that is your color, love." Hope said simply as she walked around the self-conscious woman standing in the middle of the room.

"I know," Jessica said lowering her head, her voice a whisper," but it was hers."

Hope had already known that, but still- to hear that coming from Jessica, the words touched her heart. Despite Jessica having been a couple inches taller than Kittie, the dress fit on her frame exceptionally well. It accentuated Jessica's natural curves and concealed the essentials. Though it was a little flashy for a funeral, she was not about to begrudge Jessica this last piece of closeness she had with Kittie. It would take time for the wounds to heal, and maybe Jessica would even date again. In the end Hope knew that somehow, deep in her heart, Jessica would only ever belong to Kittie.

"Need help?" Hope asked. She knew that Jessica was pretty much finished, but she wanted to reassure the nervous woman that everything was okay.

A thin smile of delight crossed Jessica's face. She was half expecting Hope to blow up in her face about wearing Kittie's clothes.

"No, I just need to get some heels and I will be ready."

"I will be out in the living room waiting, then. We need to hurry, though."

Hope stood on the tips of her toes to give Jessica a kiss on the cheek then walked out, leaving Jessica alone. Jessica stared in the mirror for a few seconds appraising how she looked. Kittie sure knew how to dress. This was the dress Kittie had worn on their first "date", if it could be called that. She remembered in her mind how Kittie had walked into her dorm room that night. The thin red dress that flared out at the hips only to caress the legs slightly above the knee. With the red heels she was as tall as Jessica, and Kittie had a killer walk that mesmerized her. Every step was taken with measured ease,as though Kittie had been born to walk in heels. With each step, her hips would sway sensually one way and then the other. She could feel her throat dry up at the mere memory of Kittie's graceful beauty that night, the way the Latina's almond-colored eyes practically devoured her with the intensity in their gaze

Jessica shuddered involuntarily as she picked out a pair of her red heels that would go well with the dress. She agreed with Hope that red was not really her color, bur on a day like today no other dress could possibly suffice. It was as much a means of bringing a closure to one chapter of her life as it was about making a statement without equivocation that her heart would only belong to Kittie.

Mark was sitting in the living room glancing at his watch nervously as Hope rounded the corner and came to sit beside him. She laid her head against his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his.

" I really do not think that Jessica wearing Kittie's clothes is a healthy thing." he stated flatly.

"I don't know. Some people cope in different ways." Hope said faintly, her eyes closing.

"Do you think that would be you?" he asked.

"Markieeeeee." Hope whined, her tone far less than amused.

"It is an honest question." Mark defended, smiling at Hope's use of her childhood nickname for him.

"I honestly haven't thought of anything else since Kittie-," Hope paused, her throat tightening with emotion. Even with her eyes closed she could not prevent the escape of a tear that welled up without warning," died. I haven't been able to think of much else. Would I handle it well? Would I be like Jessica was? When I came here last night and saw everything the way it was I was truly frightened for her."

"Yeah, I think she has finally ruined her reputation as queen bitch." Mark mused.

"Ow!"

Hope's glare told him that there would be none of that today. He rubbed his arm where it had turned numb from Hope's sudden punch.

"I don't care if you're old and pregnant, you still, have a mean right hook." Mark chuckled.

"I'm not old, and I'm not playing. If Sam ever died I would be devastated. I know she will eventually, but I do not want to dwell on that anymore. The thought of losing her again is just too much for my heart to take. I don't know how I could live without her. It's not even her presence, but knowing that even if we are away from each other for a while I will always be able to come back to her that is my own reason for living. Now thanks to you, my wonderful Markie," Hope said as she laid a hand gently upon the pronounced swell on her abdomen," she and I have a wonderful baby to raise and call our own. How could I begin to raise a child in this world without her having a complete set of parents? My baby deserves nothing less."

"How is the baby doing, by the way?" Mark asked, soft concern in his voice.

"We will know when it comes." Hope said with a beaming smile.

"I really wish you could go to the doctor for just one ultrasound at least." Mark stated a case he already knew was lost.

"I wanted it to be a surprise. Women have been having babies for thousands of years without ultrasounds and tests and all of that mess. I will love my baby no matter how it comes out."

"Either way, it is going to be a big baby." Mark stated.

"The daddy is not exactly a Munchkin." Hope teased, nudging him with her shoulder.

"I'm ready." came a voice over Hope's shoulder.

Hope got up and gave Jessica a hug as Mark walked to the door and waited patiently.

"Holding up?" Hope asked gently. Jessica nodded even though tears were already threatening to descend.

"As much as I can, I guess."Jessica replied, trying to smile through the tortured expression clearly visible on her face.

"Let's go. We need to get there for Kittie's sake." Hope prodded gently, guiding Jessica gently towards the door. As they walked, she felt a sudden sharp kick in her belly, then another. The funeral was going to be a long affair.

It took a while to get across town, the traffic seemed heavier than normal, and every single traffic light seemed determined to stop them on the way to the cemetery outside of town. The location near the Bluffs was a perfect spot. It was not a new cemetery, actually having been the cemetery for an old trading camp that had sprung the original town of Manchester. Kittie would have appreciated being laid to rest in such a tranquil spot, not in the newer cemetery surrounded by the hustle and bustle of the town. By the time they reached the ancient wrought iron gates Hope's nerves had been worn to a frazzle and she could see they were nearly the last ones to arrive. Waiting among the crowd was a large number of familiar faces. Childhood friends, people Kittie had introduced her to from college, some of their former teachers had even showed up. Kittie had commanded a lot of respect, and her personality had a way of drawing everyone to her as moths to a flame. That was made obvious by the rather large crowd size. Even Hope's former band and manager, Jennifer had shown up to the funeral. They knew how much Kittie had meant to her personally, and they were determined in their own way to not let Hope go through this without their support.

Hope was choked up with emotion seeing how many people's lives her best friend had influenced. In the back seat, Jessica was awed by how many people had come to say goodbye. In her heart, she really hoped that Heaven was real so that Kittie could see just how much she was loved and respected. It would not bring her back, of course.-nothing could. Somehow, though, Kittie deserved to at least know that her life was not in vain.

They pulled into the parking lot and stepped out of the car. Jessica was feeling especially nervous about her choice of attire, but her determination to see this through carried her forward. She was dazed, her mind blank as she continued her walk down the various small paths towards where they saw Kittie's coffin lying upon a stand. As they approached, many eyes fell upon them and Jessica's self-consciousness was rising drastically with each passing second. She almost did not recognize the figure of the short, brown skinned older lady that stepped determinedly right into her path. She almost walked right into Kittie's mother and had to step back sharply to avoid bowling the older woman over.

The entire assembled group watched the confrontation brewing with rising fear that there might be a scene. Several men stepped close to pull the elder woman away if she determined to get physical. The similarities between Kittie and this woman were striking and Jessica, who had never formally met Kittie's mother before, began to break down into tears. The older woman enveloped Jessica in a hug so tight that Jessica had forgotten her tears entirely, it was nearly a struggle just to breathe. Just as suddenly as she was embraced, the older woman let her go.

"I am honored you would wear that dress. Kittie would be honored." Thee older woman spoke with a trembling lip. " I sewed that dress for my daughter when she told me she had found someone new in her life. I wanted her to bring home a man, but she brought back- something better. She brought back the love of her life."

"Thank you, Mrs. Gonzalez, I-" Jessica replied before being cut off.

"Juana. You can call me Juana, or mom. She loved you, you were family to her. Family is everything. If she loved you as family, I welcome you into mine. I am sorry for how some of us acted, but we were trying to look out for my Katrina. Would you forgive us, and be a part of us?" The older woman asked as she grasped Jessica's hands into her own with a surprising strength.

"I would love that," Jessica said without hesitation, nodding her head through the flood of tears that were pouring down her face.

Jessica was led by Juana Gonzalez to the front of the proceedings to an empty chair that had apparently been left open for her among her new family. The ceremony had passed for Jessica very quickly. Most of the time she had spent in a daze, her mind wandering to small flashes of memories of the time she shared with Kittie. She rued constantly about how she should have been more appreciative of what she had in front of her. She could almost hear Kittie's tinkling laughter carried along the winds that blew through the bare tree branches in the chilly Fall afternoon. She could remember many such days how Kittie would snuggle up against her underneath a blanket. Reruns of House and sappy movies were her favorites. She could almost smell Kittie's perfume, the distinctive fragrance that drove her mad with animal lust that she struggled so hard to repress. It was those little things, the loving looks, the gentle caresses, the times where they comforted each other through times of stress and sorrow. Kittie truly was her soul mate, and she had been too late to recognize how much she loved the fiery but kind and compassionate woman.

Jessica was stirred from her reverie occasionally as Juana would pause to wipe away her tears and grasp onto her hands with a tenderness that she appreciated deeply. When the ceremony was over, Jessica remained fixed in place. One by one after the casket was lowered into the damp Earth, the gathered observers walked forward to the open hole in the ground and dropped roses onto the casket. One by one they would drop, each one as though a fresh tear of love and heartbreak falling to land in the final resting place of a beautiful life cut far too short. Each dropped rose was a violation of her senses. Every dull thud against the top of the casket tore through her like a knife. Suddenly, she felt a hand prying open her fingers, and she was startled by the sudden intrusion. She looked into the eyes of Juana, and then down to her hand where she found Juana placing a beautiful red rose.

Jessica looked up to see tears falling down Juana's face, and she could not help herself. She wrapped her arms around Juana, crying. She sobbed heavily into the older woman's shoulder. Sam, Hope and Mark looked on with tears in their own eyes, Amanda and Elizabeth were there as well. Each of them watched as the two most important people in Kittie's life tried their best to comfort each other through their own tears of sorrow. Nobody moved except Angela who noticed a familiar figure leaning against a nearby tree. She looked at him with tearful sorrow weighing heavily on her heart.

Jessica stopped sobbing, though the tears still ran in rivers down her cheeks. She was so close to the end, so close and yet she didn't want to say those words again. She could hear the shovels already at work, filling in the grave. She would never be closer to Kittie than she was now ever again. The grave was filled now and Juana patted her hand lightly before turning away. Jessica was left now with the group of friends standing respectfully off to the side. Jessica looked down at her hands as the gravediggers replaced the turf with fresh sod, and soon it was as though the grave had been occupied a long time. One of the gravediggers nodded at her respectfully before sauntering off towards town.

Jessica walked forward slowly, tears still flowing. She dropped down to her knees as she reached the granite tombstone and Hope rushed forward to help her up, but was shrugged off. Jessica ran her fingers over Kittie's name, tracing each letter through tearful sobs before embracing the granite slab with all of her strength. Not a dry eye was to be found among the small group as they watched Jessica pour out her grief. Hope laid a hand on Jessica's shoulder, but was shrugged off once more. Sam stepped forward and placed her hands on Hope's shoulders, she shook her head slowly. Jessica would have to mourn in her own way.

Jessica pulled away from the headstone rubbing the tears from her face. She reached into her purse and pulled out a white envelope. Everyone drew close as she slowly pulled out a folded piece of paper. She cleared her throat as she opened the sheet.

"I-um. I wanted to, um-. This is so difficult." Jessica sighed through her cracking voice. This was so much harder than she expected.

"I wrote you a note. I-, I wanted to read it to you. I guess that sounds kind of silly, but- here.

"Dear Kittie,

It is nearly midnight and Hope has finally left the apartment. She means well, but I could not concentrate with her lingering around. She has been cleaning up the apartment and has been a tremendous help today. I think I see why you did what you did, but it hurts no less than before. I guess that will take time. I really want to write this in a way that I don't sound like I am trying to make excuses, but that is hard to do when my excuses are the reason we find ourselves where we are right now.

I was a scared little fool running away from what I didn't understand. I wanted you. God, how I wanted you and to be with you. I ran away, I cheated, I got drunk to the point I was hospitalized and each time you were there to care for me. You always forgave me and never threw it back in my face. I didn't understand why you never stopped coming back, why you never stopped caring. I guess I knew it all along, but I was too afraid to admit what it meant for me because I felt the same way about you. I just couldn't get over myself and my upbringing enough to admit I was deeply in love with another woman. It pained me to no end as I would watch the hurt look on your face every time I pulled another stunt. I could always read the worry in your face and I couldn't help but think I was not worthy of your affection. Why would someone go through so much pain to be with someone who doesn't seem to return the love they clearly show every single day?

"I still do not think myself worthy of all of the love you showed, the soothing compassion, the tender caress of your hands, the security of falling into your arms whenever I was lonely or scared. You were the rock in my life even though it was my feelings about you that threw me into so much uncertainty and fear. I kept oming back to you because when I needed you, you were always there for me. I was ready that awful day to tell you without any more hesitation that I love you and I need you, but you needed me more.

"I love you always and forever,

Jessie"

Jessica sniffed as she folded the piece of paper and returned it to the envelope. A slow, but stiff breeze blew in from the calm waters of the Pacific, and a break formed in the gray skies overhead. The sun gently touched upon her cheeks and Jessica closed her eyes, raising her head slightly toward the sky above. She could have sworn she could hear Kittie's tinkling laughter carried along with the wind, and the touch of her silky smooth hands in the gentle caressing warmth of the sunlight. Somehow, she was sure her message had been received, and Kittie was beside herself with joy. The thought made Jessica break out into the first genuine smile she had known in weeks. Everything was going to be okay. As she laid a hand down upon the recently-packed ground where Kittie had been laid to rest, she knew she was going to miss her love. Still, she had a life to live, and somehow Jessica was sure that at the end of it Kittie would be waiting for her. The thought brought a deep sense of comfort and satisfaction.

Jessica got up slowly, massaging the pain out of her knees. She stared at the grave for a few moments before turning around. She walked straight up to Hope and embraced the blonde in a tight hug.

"Thank you for everything. I could never repay you." Jessica said, wiping away her tears. She stepped back and smiled brightly at the woman who had done so much for her in just the past twenty four hours. Hope had given her insight, and a new sense of willpower to keep on going. She could see the compassion in Hope's eyes as the two women stared at each other for a moment. Hope stepped close and hugged Jessica again.

"You are so welcome. You are one of us, you are family. We love you." Hope stepped back as the rest of the group took their turns both consoling and offering sentiments echoing those of Hope. She watched as each in turn offered their own words and hugs, letting Jessica know of their undying affection and loyalty to her. It gave Hope a sense of happiness despite the gaping hole that had been suddenly thrust upon her a few weeks ago. She had buried one of her dearest friends, and she knew it was a possibility that more would go before her time came. She was not ready for that to pass, especially with Sam. Death has a curious way of reshuffling a person's priorities. She wanted to make every moment count, she-.