I Need You, but You Needed Me More

Jessica. My dearest Jessica. I cannot bear to think what you are going through right now. All of the questions, all of the doubts, I cannot tell you how truly sorry I am to hurt you. I know you love me, Jessica. I also know that for as long as I am around you will continue to deny that love. You will continue to go around with men, you will continue to say those hurtful things, you will continue to deny yourself right in front of me. You will continue to deny me. As long as I am around, you will do those things because you are too afraid to come around to listen to what your heart is trying to get through to your head. I could have just left, you know? I could have packed my things while you were at work and left to give you time to figure things out. I could have left a little note on your pillow, alongside it a beautiful red rose for you to ponder on.

My God, in my fantasies right now you would get home after work and call out to me. You would notice things missing and head back to the bedroom with icy fear and the heaviness of realization weighing heavy on your heart that I am gone. You would look into the bedroom and notice a letter alongside a beautiful, fresh red rose. You would read it, words not so dissimilar from what I am writing to you now and fall back onto the bed. You would pick up the rose, taking in its' fragrance. The delicate bouquet teasing your senses as the tears well up in your eyes. You know that I am gone until you decide what it really is that you want. That I await you always.Yes, that would be so simple- for you.

I would not be able to stay away. I would lose my nerve at some point and come crawling back. I would cry and beg for forgiveness, and I fear that once more you would deny me. I have seen that tendency in your heart, and I fear it more than anything else. If I left, I could not come back- but I would try and be denied in the process. My feelings for you are well known to you by now. I would rather die than be parted from you. Ironically, therein lies the answer you seek, as simplistic as it is. If I cannot detach myself from you long enough to give you the time you need to realize your love for me, I will buy you all the time you need with my life. I know it sounds stupid, and honestly I have some doubts that my faith in you will be rewarded. What I do know is that I love you, and that we will be together again in death. Until then, just remember that I love you my darling starlight angel. I love you.

Hugs and Kisses,

Kittie'

"Hope looked down at the piece of paper in her hand, it was shaking violently with the anger that was coursing through her. Bless Kittie once more for saying what had to be said, Hope thought to herself as her eyes flashed with fire and her gaze dwelt upon the crowd. Many refused to meet her heated stare, many heads were lowered in shame before the fiery heat from the pregnant blonde woman whose searing anger reminded them starkly, if only briefly, of the family member, friend and lover that was lost. Without any fanfare, many of them had suddenly begun to excuse themselves from the proceedings, the embarrassment on their faces complete.

The few who remained took a few moments to say their goodbyes to the figure lying in the coffin starting with the family. Hope's anger was beginning to die down as she folded the note and put it into her purse. Hope lowered her eyes briefly, her whole body shaking as the sadness within her intensified. In her purse were the final words of her long-time best friend and confidante. In that purse was the final will of Katrina Rose Gonzalez, her beloved friend Kittie, and Hope was determined to make good on Kittie's last wishes. Hope raised her eyes to watch Jessica staring ahead with a dazed and lost expression written across her face. She had some idea of what Jessica was experiencing but unlike Sam had for her, Kittie would never be able to come back for Jess. She wished she could believe in Heaven, believe in a god. Then she would feel better knowing for sure that Jess and Kittie would truly be together in the end. That would make a perfect love story. Together forever through all eternity, that phrase sounded lovely to think about. However, the real world always creeps in. The weight of Jessica's loss, she knew, was only starting to become apparent to the forlorn brunette staring at the coffin of her dead lover.

She knew of only one remedy, a secret that Kittie had kept from everybody but Hope. Luckily, she had been able to procure everything she needed to make her plan possible to help Jessica understand and put things behind her. She watched as Jessica would start to get up, then sit back down again. The process repeating itself many times before Sam placed her hand lightly upon Hope's shoulder and started to make her way towards the grieving young woman.

"No Sam, please? I have to be the one to do this. Jessica is the only other one of us who knows Kittie like I did. It's only right I do this."

"Do you want me to wait?" Sam asked softly, her eyes and voice reflecting her soft concern.

"No. I will drive her home. You need to get some rest. Come by their apartment when you're done with your nap and we can all have dinner together. I have some things to tell her. If you would be kind enough, though, could you place the box I brought with me next to her car? There is something in there that I think she needs to see."

"Sure, darling. I will see you tonight for dinner, and maybe dessert?" Sam added with a sly wink and a mischievous smile that never failed to brighten her day.

"I look forward to it." Hope added, pulling Sam close for a kiss on the cheek. She watched as Sam made her way slowly down the corridor and out of sight. Sitting in the emptying funeral home, she felt a churning feeling in her gut. She knew this was one place she would never want to be with Sam ever again. She couldn't bear to live without that amazing southern belle who had stolen her heart on the side of a street so many years ago. It is a funny thing how life and time work. Things that seem like they happened just a few minutes ago actually occurred long before. In the case of Sam and Hope, twelve long years. Some people may consider that a blink of an eye. To Hope, however, who was still a ripe thirty years of age that was nearly half of her lifetime ago.

She watched as Amanda remained faithfully by Jessica's side, holding the tearful woman's hand. Bless her gentle soul, she thought of Amanda. Twelve years ago, the sight of them two together would have been impossible. Now they were connected by a singular bond of having been in love with the dead woman lying in peaceful repose within her casket, soon to never have the sun caress her delicate skin ever again. Hope shook those thoughts away as Sam disappeared around a corner and out of sight.

Hope stood slowly using the chair for support. She shuffled along slowly under the watchful eyes of Amanda and Elizabeth, two latecomers walked through the door at the same time. She recognized Anabel right away, one of Kittie's closest friends from her school days. Anabel gave her a slight wave even as she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes. Hope returned the wave and made her way along the wall, keeping herself upright using the oak paneling to keep herself upright.

"Hey Anabel." Hope said with a smile. She could see Anabel had been crying for a while. The whites of her eyes a deep red, her eyelids puffy.

"Hey Hope." Anabel said as she leaned in for a light hug. She sniffled as she pulled back. "I made it on time, but I couldn't come in, not then. It was just too much." Anabel sniffed some more as fresh tears continued to pour from her silvery eyes.

"I think she would understand, you were one of the closest to her." Hope replied.

"Not as close as you, but enough I guess."

"It's okay, we all loved her." Hope replied pulling Anabel in for another light hug.

As Hope pulled back, Anabel noticed her give a quizzical look towards her companion.

"I'm sorry," Anabel said sniffing while wiping away more tears," Where are my manners? This is Angela. We have been together for a while now."

The woman next to her was a stunning vision of beauty. Hope had never seen such beautiful features on a woman before and she was mesmerized.

"She has that effect on everybody." Anabel said with a laugh as she tried to improve the mood.

Hope had been caught staring, and was embarrassed. Obviously Angela was as well, a tinge of pink creeping into her cheeks even as she offered her hand. Hope took it and shook hands lightly.

"I have to go to see my friend, she is having a very rough day. It was nice to finally see you again, Ana. Don't be a stranger, huh?" Hope said trying to dismiss herself with as much grace as she could muster.

Hope turned towards Jessica and meandered slowly along until she reached the woman who was rooted to the chair, sitting in tearful rigidity as though clinging to that spot was the only way to maintain a semblance of her sanity. Hope came up from behind and placed her hand lightly on Jessica's shoulder. There was no response other than the sniffing of Jessica's nose. Hope turned to Amanda, whose face was beset by fearful concern for the brunette. Hope gave Amanda as reassuring a smile as she could muster at that moment, hoping it appeared genuine enough to escape Amanda's intuitive senses. With that smile, however, Amanda appeared suddenly relieved and took Elizabeth by the hand and made their way to the front of the room to say their goodbyes. Hope remained by Jessica as little by little the room was emptied until the two women were eventually left to themselves.

Hope slipped her hand underneath Jessica's armpit and began to pull. Surprisingly, Jessica was pliant and took the cue to stand up. Hope walked beside Jessica, leading her slowly towards the casket. She could feel Jessica trembling the closer they got to the casket, and she realized that she was doing the same. Alone, neither of them had the strength to face the finality of this moment. Whenever they left, the casket would be closed for the final time, depriving the Earth of one of its most beautiful flowers. Kittie would be shut off from the world forever. Hope was lost for words as she walked forward gingerly with her equally lost companion.

They reached the casket, and the tears Hope had apparently been holding back were released in a violence of grief and emotion. She got as close to the casket as she could, using her hands to gently the stroke the face of her best friend now lost forever. It was cruel and unfair. The worst part of it all was she could not blame anyone. She could not blame Jessica for being unsure of herself. She could not blame Kittie whose entire love life had been marked by tragic rejection and marred relationships. If nothing else, Kittie was a classical Shakespearean ideal of a tragic romantic. She loved fully with every fiber of her being, but was unable to find it reciprocated. She killed herself for her love, hoping that one day it would be found again in death. Her warm fingers came into contact with the cool, dry skin devoid of any of the warmth of life and she couldn't take it any longer. She balanced herself against the casket, nearly dropping to the floor when she felt strong arms suddenly catch her.

Hope's emotional outburst had awoken Jessica from her stupor. She lifted Hope and brought her slowly towards the chair still sitting where the priest had placed it earlier. Hope watched in tearful silence as Jessica made her way back to the casket and ran her fingers delicately up and down Kittie's arm. On top of her sadness of Kittie's death, her heart was breaking over the scene unfolding before her as Jessica took Kittie's face in her hands much as Hope had just done. Leaning forward, she placed a light kiss on Kittie's lips, tears dropping in complete futility upon cold, dry skin. Jessica's kiss lingered for a couple seconds before she turned away, only her gaze continuing to face towards the lifeless shell that used to be a fiery, vivacious young woman.

With great effort, Jessica finally tore her face away from Kittie and lifted Hope up from the chair. They watched as a member of the staff came in to start putting everything away. They remained standing there in the room, both facing the casket with an emptiness in their hearts as chairs and decorations around them were dismantled or put away. Finally, there was nothing but the casket left resting on its' stand. A group of men came in and approached the casket. As the man obviously in charge of this grim detail of began to lower the lid into place for the final time, Hope heard Jessica whisper heart-wrenching words she hoped she would never have to utter to Sam:

"Good bye, my love. I love you now and forever."

******************

Jessica and Hope emerged from the dark and dreary confines of the funeral home. The air was clearer, the sun still shining high above them, and the wind wrapped them in a welcoming embrace. It felt to Hope as though the elements were welcoming them back into the world away from the dead, and she was grateful for the relief. The great weight that had been building in her chest felt as though it were suddenly lifted, but she knew she would have to undergo a grieving process of her own. Still, there was much to do, and little time to do it in.

She watched Jessica's face as they walked slowly towards the main sidewalk. Her face and jaw were set into an impossibly rigid and stoic stare, that awful lack of emotion that did not suit the beauty of Jessica's face whatsoever. The only betrayal of Jessica's inner turmoil was the occasional tear that flowed down her cheeks still. That look above all else frightened her. She had none of the perceptiveness of Jessica's former lover, and she was struggling with the fear that Jessica may follow suit and end a beautiful life prematurely out of grief.

Arriving at Jessica's car, Jessica came to a full stop. She stared at the vehicle as though it were some foreign object, completely unknown to her experience. Hope turned Jessica around in order to face the taller woman fully. The stare coming out of those eyes was horrible to watch. It was a dead, lifeless stare with no recognition of her whatsoever reflected in the deep brown eyes.

Hope brought Jessica into a tight embrace, hoping to will some life back into the traumatized woman now held securely within her arms. There was no reaction, none at all as Hope continued her hug, laying her head lightly upon Jessica's chest. All at once, as if by that simple emotion, the turgid stiffness with which Jessica had been composing herself wilted away as completely as the now leaf-deprived trees that stood overhead. The strong wind had blown them down, casting the skittering dressing away upon the ground much like Kittie's death had cast Jessica's love and emotional stability into such complete turmoil. She could feel it, she could see it and hear it.

Jessica's body went completely limp as she finally melted into Hope's display of affection. Weeks of agonizing torment were released with the sudden and intense fury of a thunderstorm. Jessica wailed and cried openly. There was no consideration or heed paid to passers-by in their cars, or the occasional person walking along the sidewalk, keeping a respectful distance away as they realized what building the two embracing women had come out of.

Hope did the only thing she could do, continue to hold Jessica as she let go of every emotion that had been left to build within her mind since Kittie's death. Hope held on and allowed the torrent of tears and cries of grief to wash over her, the agonizing sobs wracking the body of the beautiful brunette in her arms. Hope felt it as Jessica buried her face within her hair, trying to find some quiet, dark place of solace that she knew in her heart Jessica would not find. It was a terrible tragedy that began two weeks ago, and was continuing to unfold between her very arms that clung to the grieving for everything they were worth. It went on for ages, or so it seemed before Jessica finally began to calm down enough for Hope to feel comfortable relaxing her embrace.

"Thank You, Hope." Jessica said in a low whisper, resting her cheek on top of Hope's head.

"You don't need to thank me, Jess. You have nothing to thank me for. You are one of us, which means you are basically family. I will do anything you need, just name it."

"I am getting kind of tired. I need to get home." Jessica said in a quavering, scratchy voice.

"I will drive you, then." Hope said in a tone that conveyed there was no choice in the matter.

"How will you get home?" Jessica asked, alarmed when she noticed Hope's car was nowhere nearby.

"Everything is taken care of, we need to get you home. If you could, though, grab that box by the car and put it in the trunk for me? Holding your heavy ass up has tired me out." Hope said trying to inject a bit of humor into the situation.

Jessica laughed as she wiped away her tears and released her hold on Hope. Hope did the same, watching Jessica carefully out of the corner of her eye as Jessica picked up the box and deposited it into her trunk. She waited as Jessica fumbled with her rather full key ring to locate the fob and unlocked the door. Hope opened the driver's side door and little bit by little bit, managed to lower herself into the seat. Inside the car, she was wrapped in the gentle warmth of the interior. It felt nice and inviting as she leaned back into the seat and closed her eyes briefly. Her stamina was not what it used to be before her pregnancy, and even the simplest tasks seemed to wear her to the point of tears at times. She needed the moment to rest before she was well enough to drive. She was finally getting somewhat relaxed when a harsh jingling sound interrupted the quiet within the car. Her eyes popped wide open to see a set of keys dangling inches from her face.

"Do you want me to drive, Hope?" Jessica offered.

"No, I was just getting myself ready to drive." Hope said as she took the keys and started the car.

Fumbling with the seat, Hope finally got everything adjusted to where she would be comfortable driving. She pulled out of the space and began to drive down the roads. The skeleton-like hulks of trees seemed to reach out for them as she drove along. In some way, she almost felt as if it were some attempt at a tender embrace from Kittie, the trees that appeared dead still retaining a core of life within them even when they appeared at every level to be without. Perhaps there was something about the whole life after death thing, after all. Even in death, people have a way of influencing the world of the living. The subtle evidence of that certainly was what she was currently trying to do for her still-grieving friend. Jessica had taken no notice of anything since they had pulled away from the funeral home. She sat in the passenger's seat staring blankly out the window as if she lacked the capacity to take in anything around her. Hope knew she would have to reach Jessica, and soon.

The ride seemed almost interminable. With each traffic light, each stupid motorist cutting them off, with every pensive moment spent on the road, she could almost feel Jessica slipping away into an internal hell. As often as she felt she could spare her eyes from attention to the road, Hope was turning her worried gaze to the woman in the passenger seat. The silence was so absolute within the small confines of the car that it was almost deafening. Hope was beginning to wonder if she would be too late to reach Jessica. The whole affair was beginning to look like a lost cause when finally, she sighted Jessica's apartment complex. She sighed in relief. What was only a ten-minute drive felt like it had taken hours to complete. She wound the car quickly through the parking lot and pulled into the first available parking space in front of Jessica's building. She unbuckled herself and turned the car off. Jessica was still spaced out on her side of the car, her lifeless gaze looking off into some place only she knew about. Hope reached over the center console and laid a hand gently upon Jessica's shoulder.