All Comments on 'In Submission to... Ch. 05'

After reading chapters 1-4 it looks like Sean is totally abusive or crazy. I thought he would be a good "build you up person" character but beating someone until they cant sit or stand isnt cool... If you wrote more to your chapters or go back and do a prologue to explain the characters and why they interact with eachother this way, maybe I would get it. I hope the next two chapters explain this and/or atleast clears up some things.

I read your comments to the last post, and I expected something different. He still comes across as abusive. It feels like he wants a BDSM relationship without making sure she wants one too. Why are they not talking about their limits and establishing boundaries if this is the lifestyle he wants? I keep going back to safe, sane, and consensual and this feels like none of those things. Why isn't he listening to her? I hope she quits her job and moves away from him. Again, I think your chapters need to be longer if you want to make us believe he is being abusive and controlling.

Your character development is improving, and the story is moving along in an interesting direction, I want to read more. Part of me is waiting for her to explode or some other shoe to drop, plus I want to see how this unconventional relationship develops.

I keep reading in hopes of continued improvement. It seems rushed, choppy at times. If you genuinely don't want this man to seem deranged, you may need to arrange for a bit more inner dialogue with your male lead. And there should be an indication of a submissive nature for the female. Otherwise, perhaps this should be considered nonconsent/reluctance? Also, consider an editor.

You really, really need to work on your character developement. On bother Sean and Kylani. One minute you have her as thus strong person for a breid moment, and the next she is weak and insecure. While Sean seems like this deranged sociopath with a lot of money and connections. I think I see where you are attempting to go with this story but frankly right now it's kinda pissing me off. Try to find a course that you feel comfortable with bc to be honest the BSDM seems kinda forced.

For now I'm going to end the In Submission to... series. This story was my first attempt and I admit I need work but appearantly alot of people are too impatient for a change in the story. To truly understand you have to let Sean develope his character is used to getting what he wants so of course he's a brute at first but patience is key. I didn't intend for his personality to stick in a bad way seeing that this is still the beginning of the series, I may start another series but i will not finish this one just yet. I appreciate the advice but I see alot of people are taking this FICTIONAL not even based on true events of anyone that I know lives, story to the limit of true events that really happen. Apologies for any offenses but I have to make some changes unless requested to do otherwise but until then...Thank you.

you can't please every1. it's YOUR story & it's great 2 want 2 improve but don't let others force your hand or choose your path. go where ever it takes you. i kno i'm not the only 1 waiting 2 see where this is going. WRITE WHAT YOU LIKE :D don't kno if you've checked out any other sections, but there's some crazy stuff on this site!

I will try too!

If you want to add elements of BDSM into your story, I think you might want to read up a little more about it. One of the previous commenters mentioned 'sane, safe and consensual'. That is the absolute key to BDSM relationships - there should be agreement and trust between the characters about the activities taking place. If not, your story probably should go in the non consent/reluctance category.

I think I can see what you were trying to set up with your story and can understand your frustration at the comments. But just a few pointers of mine:

- Sean's behaviour seemed to come out the blue and at a level of cruelty that was concerning to me

- Kylani shows no sign of being submissive

- They have no communication between themselves about if she actually wants to be submissive, and if she does then what she might agree and therefore expect. Actually, it really seems she doesn't.

Yes, there are BDSM stories that start with a submissive being unsure, but they tend to begin more tentatively than yours did.

If you decide you still want to carry on with this story as is (and of course you should if that is what you want) then maybe you should start it off in the non-consent category and work from there? ie: not in a category where readers are expecting something very different :)

Take care and good luck.

thanks for the encouragment. No i was not upset i was a little disappointed if any at myself, i know i can do better but like i said its my first time and im just seeing how it goes. I wish some people would be patient but as said you can not please everyone because some people are in bdsm relationships and they know more than i do. I will continue and i will try to fix somethings thanks again

don't get discourage MzSaapphiria. I have enjoyed this tale very much and wised that you would a BDSM interracial story. Please ignore those haters keep up the good work.

There is constructive critisim and there is trying to re-write someone elses work to how you want the story to develop. I am thoroughly enjoying reading your series as there aren't too many good quality interracial BDSM stories out there. I hope you continue with this story and write it the way you want to. Those out there who think they could do better, go on, see how you handle your type of "constructive critisim".

Dont quit! I like the story and those who have a problem don't have to read it, that is their prerogative. I think you are doing extremely well for a beginner and I am willing to continue reading to see where you take the characters. Don't let a couple of bad apples make your decision about the whole liter haha sorry i just like made that up. but you get the point.

P.S. I hope I see another chapter soon =)

Where you are coming from, however character developement usually is needed in the beginning stages of the story. In this story you had him first as a playboy that can have any girl he wanted and you had Kylani as the take no bullshit but is shy about her body. In the fourth and fifth edition you did a complete 180 of Sean and switched him from a playboy to someone who is domineering and a little scary. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with putting some BDSM in the story.However how he just suddenly turned that way bc she cursed at him seems a little extreme and out of the blue. I like the story but you really have to work on setting up your protagonist in a way that people can flow with you and not seem lost. Keep on writing bc like everything it is a process.

At the end of the other ch. I said she should run but, I forgot how sometimes relationships can be extreamly strange. I get the feeling they're going to have ups and downs but, I can't wait to read the next rollercoaster ride they're on. Cause you have to admit Sean is alittle fucked up.....lol

kidnapping, rape and bondage.... and somewhere in there romance/love eh.. i don't see it. that's just my opinion.

now.. don't stop writing this or any other stories you have in your head. just take the time to develop it properly and re-write and re-submit these stories to give the reader more detail.

you can do it! ... lol

and don't quit!

Don't you dare stop writing this story! Yes its rough around the edges, but this story as a whole Damn.

Yes Sean has issues Texas sized ones, I can't wait to see what that all stems from.

Until then head up,

boobs out, work it girl!!

MzSapphiria,

Don't give up on this story. I find it entertaining and i'm rooting for Kylani. Don't get too caught up on the BDSM aspect of it, because I will say that as someone who is in a BDSM relationship, I still find your story engaging and I hope you don't stop writing because a bunch of anonymous posters who can't be bothered to leave their names. Yes, there are elements in your story that don't quite ring true, but I think the story is engaging enough for me to suspend disbelief. It is a work of fiction after all as you pointed out. One can always research and learn about the life style, but being able to hold the attention of the audience is even harder and I think you do a fine job in that area. I hope to see more of this story and your development as a writer. Keep up the good work.

Shay

Don't listen to what the naysayers on here. I can't wait to see how this all come out. Besides people need to stop thinking that everyone one make love the same way. It is relative to the two people involved and if they don't like it don't read the story. It will their lose not yours. Keep writing ....!!!!!

MY GOODNESS...

Finish...i like it!