International Flavors Pt. 02

"Well, certainly forourbest! As for you, I guess you're shit out of luck! No more foursomes for Jason! And more importantly, no more Carolina and Nicky! And it goes without saying, you can forget about our date on Sunday!" She stood up grabbed her margarita glass and threw back the remainder of its contents. Nicky followed suit.

"An jou can forget ‘bout domorrow, doo!" Nicky said angrily.

"Come on, Nicky, let's get the hell out of here," Carolina sneered. Then, she turned to Luna, and added, "If you're smart, you'll do the same."

They stormed out the door, both of them glaring at me as they did. I turned to Luna who had the most stupified look on her face. She paused for a long time staring at me, and then she asked skeptically, "You had a foursome with Nicky and her sisters?"

"Yeah, but it certainly wasn't my idea." I said defiantly. "It's a long story, and I really don't want to get into right now, but honestly I don't know what I did wrong. I thought I'd been straight forward with all of you, though I can see that from this point forward, it's clearly time to limit my relationships to one woman. I'm sorry you had to be here for that, Luna. If you want to leave, I understand, but if you don't, we can still have some dinner and drinks."

I could tell she was thinking long and hard, not just about what Carolina had said, but more specifically whether she should stay and have dinner with me or take her advice and just leave.

"Well, Jason, they've given me a lot to chew on, but I guess I agree withyou. You've been honest enough withme. I can't speak for them. Still, you've got to understand why everyone in the office is talking about you, why people might not want to trust you. Whatever happens betweenus, you knowmyposition – just don't lie to me about love. Remember, I know about the woman that called today, and I'll bet that Carolina and Nicky would be interested in that little tidbit of information."

It seemed like Luna was implying some sort of blackmail, but what good would that have done her now? I was about to respond, but at that very moment, the waitress came by to take our order, and without even looking at the menu, I ordered a beer and burger. I wanted to get the hell out of this place as quickly as I could. Luna ordered the exact same thing. When the waitress left, I spoke up.

"Look, Luna, I haven't seen that woman in going on two years, and before today, I hadn't talked to her in a year and a half. Besides, it's not like I could have a relationship with her anyway; she lives 3000 miles from here in New York! But, in the interest of complete transparency, she told me today that she will be in California next week. I'm going to see her, and you should know that."

"Have you slept with her, Jason?"

"Yes, but that was a long time ago. Like I said, I haven't seen her in over 20 months. She's coming to California for business, and she just wants to see me, just like any old friend might want to do. It's nothing more than that."

"So, you're not going to sleep with her?"

"I don't know!" I was frustrated now. It seemed like everyone was trying to play "gotcha" with me. "I have no idea what she has in mind – how she feels about me now. But I liked her, and, yes, I enjoyed having a sexual relationship with her, and I think she enjoyed being with me." I paused. Then, I just blurted out what was on my mind. "Would it bother you if I continued that?"

"No. I've already told you, not unless you're in love with her, Jason. If you are, you need to tell me now."

"I'm not in love with her," I paused. It occurred to me that this might very well be the only time that I had ever lied to a woman, but even I wasn't sure whether or not itwasa lie. "At least, I don't think I am. How could I be? I've spoken to her for all of five minutes in the last year and a half!"

The look she gave me intimated distrust. Just then, the waitress returned with our beers, and the conversation came to an abrupt halt. She said that our order would be up in just a second, so despite Luna's skeptical look, we ended up just having our dinner and finishing our beers, and then we walked back to my house. We hardly talked throughout the meal or the walk home, and unfortunately I sensed that the more time she spent with her thoughts, the worse it was going to be for me.

I invited Luna inside, but considering everything that had happened, she declined and asked if I would give her a ride home. I was disappointed, but, of course, I said "yes." Then, I came back home, and for the first weekend in I don't know how long, I slept alone for three straight nights.

When Monday morning rolled around, I wasn't looking forward to returning to work. But I did, and even though neither Nicky nor Carolina would talk to me, Luna was civil – at least for a little while. Then, about 10:00 a.m. my phone rang. Before answering, I looked over at Luna, who seemed busy with her work and didn't look up. I picked up the receiver, and pressed the button for the appropriate line, "Good morning, this is Jason Randall. How may I help you?"

"Jason, this is Caitlynn." She sounded out of breath, maybe even a little desperate.

"Yes, just a moment, please," I said as soberly as possible.

For the second time in two consecutive work days, I muted my phone, and turned to Luna, "I'm sorry, Luna, would you mind if I take another call privately? I'll try not to be too long." She looked up with that look that I'd seen several times before, but stood up, and without saying anything, paraded her beautiful body passed my desk and out the open door. She closed it behind her.

"Hello, Caitlynn," I said cheerily. "Sorry about that."

"No, that's all right. I'm sorry for bothering you again, but I think I need to speak to you before I come out to California. Are you alone now, Jason? It seemed like someone might have been in your office."

"Yes, I'm alone. You're right; I have someone who's temporarily working out of my office, but I asked that person to leave, so we can talk privately now, if that was what you were asking."

"Yes, itwaswhat I was asking." She paused again.

She sounded sadder and even more desperate, and now she asked me bluntly, "Was the person male or female, Jason?" It was an odd question, and I didn't know why she asked it, except to imply that I had had some physical and possibly an emotional attachment to the person in question, and, of course, that was true.

"Female. Why do you ask?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry, but when I last saw you, you were a guy that was playing the field quite a bit, Jason, and I just thought I needed to know a little bit about your situation before I come out there." Wow! I thought to myself, this woman knows me too well! It hadn't taken her long to get to the gist of the matter.

"Are you asking whether or not I've slept with her?"

"Well, like I said, I wasn't trying to pry, but..." she paused. "Haveyou?"

"Wow, Caitlynn, I've spoken to you, what, once in a year and a half and you're asking methatquestion... already? You don't beat around the bush, do you?" I realized that was an unkind remark. I didn't intend to be mean. Twenty months ago, I was starting to fall in love with this woman, and truth be told, now that I'd heard that voice again for the second time in a few days, I was thinking that I was half in love with her still, even after our extended separation, so I certainly didn't want to be cruel.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry!" she answered. "I know I have no right to ask, but I'm thinking of making a big change in my life, and it involves you, Jason, so that's why I sound like I'm meddling. Let's face it, I am meddling. Again, I'm really, really sorry. You probably hate me right now!"

"I don't hate you, Caitlynn! Jesus, you should know that! But I never kept my relationships with other women from you, so I don't know why you think I would start doing that now. You didn't have to ask; I would have told you anyway. But, to answer your question, yes, Ihaveslept with Luna, although I've only done so once – last week, as a matter of fact."

I paused and waited for her to respond, but she didn't say anything right away. I got the impression that she was disappointed with what she had just heard, maybe totally deflated, so I thought I had better continue. I figured I needed to clarify some things, and I was really curious about what she'd just said.

"What is the ‘big change' you just alluded to, Caitlynn? I'm curious how it might involve me."

"Okay, fair question! So, let me get right to it. Jason, the reason that I'm coming out to California this week is that I've been offered a final interview for a job out in San Jose. I'm nearly certain that I am going to be offered the job, and if I am, I'm thinking I'll accept it. But before I do, I want to know where things stand between us."

"When I spoke to you last week, I was thinking that I would just come to San Jose for a couple of days to check out the office out there and the area – you know real estate prices and all, and then wait to find out if I would be offered the job. But now I am second guessing whether or not this job might be the right move. It smacks of permanence, and I need to be sure it's the right thing for me." She paused.

"I apologize if I'm interfering in your life after so long, but I'm talking about moving 3000 miles, and, I'll be honest, Jason, the reason that I would do so is because of you. Even though we never really talked about it, I got the feeling that when we were together there was something more than just a physical relationship between us." She paused again. "Wasthere something more, Jason?"

It was clear she had already considered her own answer to that crucial question, but, more importantly, she seemed to have anticipated my answer to it as well. I somehow understood that this very moment was going to prove to be pivotal, a critical turning point in my life, in both our lives.

For over two years now, I had been playing. I instinctively understood that Caitlynn was asking me if I was prepared to stop playing, and, even as suddenly as all of this had arisen, there was no doubt in my mind that I was prepared to make that change in my life, with or without Caitlynn.

"Yes, Caitlynn, there absolutelywassomething more. I'll be completely honest with you – I think I was falling in love with you, and I thought that maybe you were falling in love with me, too. I'm sorry that I never said anything, but I knew that you would only be in California for a short time, and then we'd be apart, so I assumed that would be the end of things between us. After you left, we were so physically removed from each other, so far apart, and, in my experiences, long distance love never seems to work out very well." I paused again to let what I had just said sink in for a bit. Then, I continued.

"And then, for the two months when you kept calling me – and we were having phone sex – I figured either I must have been wrong about the ‘something more' – I mean, we were spending all of our time just trying to make each other cum – so it didn't seem to me that you wanted anything beyond that pure sexual gratification. And so then, I started thinking that even if it was love that I might have felt earlier – that we both might have felt – the 3000 miles of roadblocks would just be too difficult to overcome. That's when I gave up hope in ‘something more.' Now, based on what you've just said, I wish I hadn't." I paused again. Then, I changed the subject.

"But you're right, Caitlynn! It's true; Ihavebeen ‘playing the field' – I completely admit that. I admit I've been an idiot. I just hope I wasn't being an asshole, too. I never wanted to be an asshole to anyone, certainly not to you. But then this weekend, for the first time, I think I realized that playing is not what I want. I realize now that I need to stop playing. I'm too old for that. I'm pretty sure that I would have come to that conclusion without this phone call, but I think that you just gave me a good reason – a very good reason – to stop fooling around."

There were a few muffled sniffles on the other end of the line, and at first, she didn't say anything, so I thought I would ask the next logical question, "Wereyou falling in love with me, too, Caitlynn? All those months ago? Didyouthink there was ‘something more'?"

This time there was no pause. "Yes, Jason." She didn't say anything else, and I suspected that she had her hand over the phone and was now quietly crying. That wasn't like Caitlynn. She was a very dispassionate person when it came right down to it, or at least I thought she was a dispassionate person.

She was an accountant, for god's sakes – but then I thought about it and decided that that was a bullshit inference – her job didn't have anything to do with whether or not she had a romantic, emotional side. I realized that despite the fact that I knew her well enough to know that I was in love with her, I didn't really know exactly where she was coming from, certainly not enough about where she was coming from, and after what she had just said, now I wanted to know everything. I wanted to hear her passion, hear her express it.

"Caitlynn! Caitlynn, talk to me! Tell me what you're thinking!"

"I'm sorry, Jason." I could hear her sobbing, but she struggled through the tears. "I'm a little bit overwhelmed right now, so I'll tell you everything that is really important when I get out there, when we have more time to talk. I know you have to go back to work, and so do I. But..." She paused.

"But... here are the practical details: I don't know if you know this, but I've been working forDeloittefor eight years now. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that there was an opening at their office in San Jose. They need someone to manage it. I applied, Jason, and now they've as much as told me that they're going to offer me the job. It's a significant pay increase, but, quite frankly, the money, not to mention the added power and prestige don't really matter to me if all I am going to do is to relocate to the opposite side of the country." She paused again, and I could hear it in her voice – she was having trouble talking.

"I'm getting older now; my biological clock is ticking, and I need to change my life before I wake up one day and realize that I don't have a chance to change it anymore. Two months ago I broke up with that guy that I told you about on Friday. He had no intention of taking our relationship any further than where my relationship was with you 20 months ago."

"So I hope you are not offended when I say that I have no interest in just replacing him with you, Jason. I want something more than that, and considering that we would be only 30 miles away from each other, I thought we might have a real chance to make it work. I know it is unfair of me to expect an answer from you straightaway like this, but I wondered if you might want to try, Jason, to just give it a try, to try to make it work. That would help me to make my decision about the job."

"Jesus, Caitlynn! My god, you work fast!" I meant it as a joke, but it wasn't a very funny joke, and, more importantly, it was minimizing the heartfelt honesty she was expressing to me. I was just kind of amazed that she could turn that short phone conversation with a person that she'd barely said "boo" to in 18 months into a plea for commitment, commitment that could determine the course of the rest of our lives.

"I'm not trying to ‘work fast,' Jason. I'm trying to be honest." Now it was my turn to apologize.

"I'm sorry, Caitlynn. My god, that came off as so fucking insensitive! I'm really, really sorry! I was just joking, but I know that this is nothing to joke about. I didn't intend to cut you to the quick." I paused for just a second, but I knew that I needed to be completely upfront with her.

"Look, I already told you that I was pretty sure that I was falling in love with you all those months back. That was real, and for all of the fun we were having being in a physical relationship with each other, that physical relationship wasn't real... not really. It was just fooling around." I paused again.

"Look, I'm not gonna pretend that I know what will happen if you move out here – it's been almost two years since we first met each other, so maybe things will have changed, but I doubt it, and I don't need time to think about what you're proposing – Are you kidding? – of course, I would love for you to move here! I'm willing to give it a try, Caitlynn! More than that, if we're in this together, I'm committed to trying hard to makeuswork. I told you before that I thought that I loved you back then, and now I'm sure I was right. If you come out here, Caitlynn, I'm in it for the long haul, and I'm serious about that. I love you!"

Just then, I realized my door was half open, and Luna had stuck her head in to see if I was done with the phone call. I suspected that she had heard the last few seconds of what I was saying, and if she had, I was a dead man. Her expectant smile morphed quickly into a frown. I hadn't realized it, but Caitlynn and I been talking for at least 10 minutes. "Caitlynn, can you hold for just a second again?" I muted the phone once again.

"Luna, look, I'm sorry. Can you give me just a couple more minutes? I'm just finishing up." She shook her head, but I could see real disgust in her face now. I was already hurting someone that I didn't want to hurt. She ducked out, and the door closed behind her.

"Caitlynn," I said, resuming the call, "I'm so sorry. I was right in the middle of saying something really significant and important. I hope you can forgive me for breaking away in the middle of that. I just wanted us to be able to finish this conversation in private."

She laughed when I said it. I think she knew what had just happened, and suddenly I marveled at just how much can change in 10 seconds. It was like all of the tension, anxiety, and nervous dread between us had just vanished, was sucked through the telephone line and right out the door to my office the moment that Luna opened it, was sucked out of both of us as if some HVAC technician had adjusted the air current by fixing a duct somewhere so that the lack of ventilation that had stifled our hearts for nearly two years had somehow been instantaneously repaired.

"Oh Jason, that doesn't matter! What matters is that I'll be with you again in just a couple of days, and then we can discuss all of the important things. I know you have to get back to work, so I'll let you go now. I will see you on Wednesday, and I am so looking forward to it, Jason. Until then, goodbye! I love you!"

"I love you too, Caitlynn. Goodbye!" I hung up the phone, completely stunned by both the tremendous importance of the call itself, the suddenness of its conclusion, and its effect upon me.

I sat staring into space for a minute or two, and then it struck me – that conversation had only lasted a little more than 10 minutes, but when Caitlynn told me that she'd been falling for me and that she still loved me, I was gone. I was so deeply in love, so unequivocally, unmistakably infatuated, that you could hit me across the head several times with a two-by-four, and I wouldn't have felt it.

Still, love exists on a higher plane, removed and separate from the grind of mundane events. Before I could bask in the spiritual glow of life on that higher level of existence, I had to deal with the here and now, and understanding that, I realized that the difficult part had only just begun for me. I needed to face Luna immediately, and I knew there were hard questions that I was going to have to answer.

I got up from my desk and walked out of my office. I found her sitting at a table in the break room again, sipping a cup of coffee. "I'm so sorry, Luna. I'm done with my phone call now, if you want to come back into the office. Sorry it took so long."