All Comments on 'Invisible Man'

You've been at this long enough to know better, Pete....

• 'Women' is plural. If you're confused about whether to use 'woman' or 'women', substitute 'man' or 'men' and figure it out - the rules are the same for both genders ('an' is singular; 'en' is plural)

• If the verb is in the past tense, then the modifier or descriptor does not need to be in past-tense ("Yanked opened" is not correct; it's "yanked open")

• "a one of those" makes no linguistic sense. If you're using a number ("one", for example) then you do not need the 'a' which you included

These are just a few examples of where you went wrong, and each and every one of them could be found and fixed by a competent editor. I'm not merely being picky, here; the fact is, a fiction writer's job - the very most important thing that he or she must do - is to create a world where the reader is able to actually believe what is being written. A story really is nothing more than a written illusion; kind of like a magic trick, but where the audience (the readers) is being taken to a place they might never have been before. When spelling is poor, or when grammar and syntax are abysmal, then the illusion starts to fall apart...kind of the same way that a skip on a vinyl record or a scratch on a cd can ruin a song. If it happens too many times, then the reader is most likely going to give up on the story.

Like I said at the beginning: you've written often enough on this site to know better, Pete.

Ignore nitropy. This was a great first chapter. One of the best I've ever read. Having been an invisible when I was younger I knew what he went through. Hope it won't take long for the next chapter.

Five Big Stars

seriously going to stop there, You are a bad man. Good story, Bad man

started one way and then really went off a fucking tangent...

adding a "Ch. 1" to the title would have been nice. and a one-line intro with some useful info (total chapters and posting timing). fucking LAZY.

you are a bad, bad man

Enjoyable story very thrilling

Very good entertainment. The situation with Kelly makes her seem like a character from a StangStar story. I would have enjoyed reading more about the other ladies. I mean how did they fail, they have the same equipment to use on Eric. That is poorly done. The rest Eric and the Continental very good☺👍,lol.

Interesting choice of an ending, work rage shooting 🔫😨.

I look forward to cpete' next chapter.

AMerryman

No sex, No loving wife, hate women,Garbage, Non erotic at best but should be in FETISH.How anyone could enjoy this crap is unbelievible....

I agree with @gmann57...It was almost a crime what @cpete did: stopping this fantastic story here! That was really MEAN! Master pieces must be read in just one breath...because of that 4* for now!

If you need to edit, then God help 95% of the other writers on this site......so ignore the critic(s)!

Only thing that's missing is someone wearing a "Too Ugly To Die!" t-shirt. Good job. Looking forward to the remaining installment(s).

I hate short stories broken into chapters!

in any story by cpete. The rest is gravy. I do agree that calling it chapter 1 would have been appropriate. Now I have to wait for the next chapter.

cpete is one of the best writers on this site(and there are a lot of good ones). As usual the anons come out of a dark, dank place to bad mouth an author. This is a five. Kudos to BlackRand for editing (and the hot selfie on her bio page).

Great story by a terrific writer! Just read it.⛥⛥⛥⛥⛥

so, yeah, it was pretty darn good.

In the beginning I never thought this story would turn out to b so exciting. Hope to c the next chapter soon

Great characters and pacing. There are always some superior intellects out there who try to pick apart your story. I enjoyed it completely and look forward to your next chapter. Five stars from me! Thanks, Cpete, you made my day.

To the person who said he needed an editor, you obviously didn’t read his intro. He HAD and editor, blackrandl1958, one of the best in the business! Is she perfect? No, who is?

People generally treat us as well as we let them. Give someone a jump once? Sure, but then tell them to join AAA. They call again, hang up. Ask me to fix your toilet before a party that I’m not invited too? Call a plumber!

He’s a “back-up date” who always pays? When I was growing up, the person who asked, usually the guy, paid; it wasn’t something to comment on.

Nit-pick – Construction workers to truck drivers isn’t exactly a wide spread! I would have said construction workers to executives or bankers.

"We already had too many people coming over.” – If you already had too many people coming, one more shouldn’t make a difference.

Kelly’s over 30 and she sounds like she’s still 18!

Borrowed laptopwriter’s Continental plot element!

“How many women look like Kelly and let their lover drive their husband’s classic 1973 Mark IV Lincoln Continental?" – Whoa!

She contradicts herself. Cheating’s no big deal until she finds out her MOTHER cheated!

“We are both just making memories to look back on in the future.” – You should be making memories with your HUSBAND!

He didn’t even mention that Tommy was getting her ass!

I can’t score until I see how long we have to wait for Ch 2!

While a Chapter designation would have been good, at the very beginning cpete said "Two parts."

Anxiously awaiting part 2!

Just as good as the first time I read it. Thank you, Cpete, you're a wonderful writer.

I have gotten to the point where I get really frustrated by these cardboard caricatures of cheating women. Maybe I have been sheltered but I have a hard time imagining how so many selfish and stupid women lacking empathy could not be seen as such before they cheat. It would be so nice to actually see some emotional development of the cheater to help understand their fall.

But that is a genre issue and I will say that it was not handled as badly here as in others.

The other characters were much better developed and played out nicely. Even the mother seemed to have more awareness of her past than most supporting characters.

Looking forward to the conclusion.

A great read. Reminds me of the tv shows we used to watch when we came home from school for lunch

You're the man! As for the racist asshole anonymous, When you see BR1958 has edited a story, you can bet it's going to be a good one. The lady has a serious eye for talent. How many great authors does she edit for? I would guess 30 or more. Does she get paid for that? Did she get paid for Legends' Day? I've heard there's another one on the way for the 4th. It seems to me like all this girl does is great things to make stories better for readers like me and try to give us good stories to read out of the goodness of her heart. I respect the hell out of her and if racist assholes like you make her leave or quit doing these things or writing those great stories, well, fuck you. You just fucked up a lot of good things for most of us who are very grateful. If there's any justice in the universe, God has a lightning bolt with your name on it. May it strike soon. Again, great story, Cpete. RPL

Terrific read and I can't wait for part two. To the assorted racists, eat shit and die, motherfucker. Go back to the 1800's where you belong.

I hope he cuts the shooter's head off as the old veteran cuts off his balls. And i hope the wife is left with the coward boyfriend. i understand the invisible man, having been one myself and having a wife that still pines for her first even after 40 years.

This is really good. It's got to be one of your best stories ever ( at least to me). I can't wait to read the rest of it. Thank you for this story.

to maintain decorum, TK U MLJ LV NV

I should have looked at the date. When's the sequel?

I look forward to part II! Ignore the grammar police & nitpickers, this is one of the best pieces I have read in a long time!!!

Great story from one of the legendary writers. Very good writing, great characters, a legendary editor, I loved it all. Best story since the first one JPB posted a couple of weeks ago. This is why some people just have it. Hope part two posts soon. I don't know how this could be better. 5*****

There's going to be a heartache in this author's story tonight. There's nothing we can do but root for his underdog exemplars, for as many pithy quips as possible. then finish the story and rate it at according to its multitudinous merits. The tears ( and reprisals ) of cpete's clowns must nearly always merit being rewarded with chockablock laurels.

Full marks * * * * *

I don't understand the comments about "get an editor". Especially from anonymous who is long on vitriol and short on content. The complaints that I've read fall mostly in the purview of a copy reader/editor and multiple passes through the material. The principal editing by blackrandi is superb, whose skill and understanding of storytelling is quite evident.

Of course the major kudos belong to cpete whose creative talent and ability to move the story long deserve much credit. I just hope, cpete, that you and randi haven't decided to make this story into some long drawn out and agonizing tale with reconciliation in the end. It's clear that in real life even a near death experience will not be enough of a wake up call for Kelly who is a world class narcissist.

5* for now. If chapter 2 turns into reconciliation probably 1*.

Should you decide to publish this as part of a professional effort you might want to get a couple of copy readers to catch the trivial errors that have some upset.

Thank you

Hey ass wipe, I see you're making your rounds again. Didn't I just tell you to stay in the category fetish, which you prefer. Fuck off, nobody gives a shit what you think..

FIVE STARS for a good story. About time, since nothing but trash was posted today.

Only the likes of this ass wipe btb hater would think they were erotic. Look up the word "fetish" ass wipe and learn what it means before spouting off your nonsense.

Like always the husband is a blue collar, obtuse, gunless, passive aggressive, non athletic wimp. If you need a manly husband, read Stang.

Absolutely terrific!!! Very appropriate scenario with so many weirdos going postal and killing innocent people. With the SEAL Apache out of the way, only the normal, everyday, scared Everyman stands between insanity and death. Now, I've got to wait for the rest of it. Keep going, CPete. Your writing and stories help fill the vacuum of this sit-in. SF VET

You describe your protagonist like life itself! Bravo!! Its good not to read about cuckold/wimps but rather from people like you and I!!!

Great start liked all the characters but please don't let him turn into a forgiving accepting wimp.

...it was marked as a part one, but I'm looking forward to part 2.

What a great beginning!

And, you know just where to pause for the cliffhanger for the next installment.

Good story!

A 5 for sure.

For once a GREAT story on this site... I take my hat off to some fantastic writing...

I hope Chapter 2 is half as good as one...

5*

5 looking forward to much more

in the 'Apache' line? What difference does that make?

Seemed like an unnecessary thing to include that detracted from the story. This story starts out as fairly bog-standard Loving Wife fair; cheating wife expected, husband is a goody goody who doesn't deserve it. I'm not complaining; it's the reason I come to read stories here. Then, it takes this odd turn with the active shooter. I imagine it's so the male lead can become the hero. Reminds me of another story here where the male lead is getting divorced by a cheating wife who's screwing her lawyer/boss and then guy shows up to kill them over the lawyer's secretary, and the would-have-been-ex-wife gets to watch the man she realizes she loves die in order to save them.

Cliches are cliches for a reason; we like those sort of stories. The represent cultural things we want to share; what it means to be a man and a hero, what it means to be a faithful wife, the justice, or injustice, of betrayal and how devastating it is, like a repeated morality play.

Aside from that, my experiences mirror a lot of this; most of the so called 'good men' are married before the women with a desire for 'bad boy' types get over their phase and decide they want a 'good man', then they complain that all the good ones are already gone, and start trying to steal them from other women when they can't find them one of their own.

And unfortunately, women's sexual value is right around the 18 to mid/late 20's, and men's sexual value tends to grow as their net worth grows. It's pretty screwed up, but that's the way the statistics seem to fall. I've heard it many times, backed up by numbers; if you want to be happy, have fewer sex partners and marry the right person earlier in life.

This story comes off like a morality play, and much of it just feels far-fetched. Things like the Apache janitor, and standing up to the oddly racist woman who appears from no where just to be racist and then get saved by the man she belittled, while saying some pithy line about who the real immigrant is (never mind that there's no clue anyone was Apache before then or any reason why the protagonist would be speaking Apache with the janitor) don't help. They feel forced because they are forced, and like when you're listening to a buddy tell a story and the things just seem odd and out of place and let you know the entire story is made up.

My advice is to remove the extraneous crap. If you feel like inserting some politics into your story, think again until you don't. Or do it anyway and pay the consequences with your audience.

Overall not bad but you've done better.

I'm enjoying this story very much and look forward to part2. Thanks for writing it!

You really got the adrenaline going at the end!

5*****

Stories without sex belong in another category. 1*

cpete, a great story and loved the development from the beginning to the end of part 1 an invisible man that goes unnoticed until the homecoming kings and queens become mere mortals and not so glamorous. well done and the story does have so much meaning for those of us that were invisible in our lives... and now are living a good life. looking forward to the continuation of the tale. heath

Love the immigrant comment!👍

Looking forward to the next part.

Can't wait for the next part!

Boyd Percy

good subject, good writing

This was a great story, right up there with "Blood From a Turnip." What's the point of your comment? That's just as good a question. It's a better question. Why should the guy NOT be an Apache? You think no Apaches exist? Are you one of those assholes like the bitch in the story who goes up to Hispanics or some other minorities who aren't even talking to you and tells them to "speak English?" I've seen that a dozen times. This was a hilarious take on that.

The difference is, we don't know that there is a point, other than describing a guy. What if he was a redhead, or black? It's just a description. We don't know the end of the story. For all you know, the whole plot hinges on him being an Apache. Since you don't know, that just makes you an asshole, and all your long-winded comment so much gss.

Really enjoying this ..... easy 5 *

great to see some proper writing back on the site. very easy 5*.

Ordinarily I would agree with you that the Janitor being Apache was an unnecessary detail. If it doesn’t support the story, it is fluff.

However, the Janitor was speaking Apache to a hands-free device like maybe a cell phone, not to Eric. Therefore, it could be a valid plot device. Maybe the janitor is killed while saving the others and the rude woman has an epiphany and becomes Eric’s new love interest. Maybe when the police arrive, one of them speaks Apache and they “code talk” plans to rush the shooter.

The story itself was OK. It needs a bit more editing to get rid of typos.

I guess the other guy would be asstereffects. Two clowns who have never written a word other than asshole comments, tell someone like Cpete how to write. Kind of like a McDonald's worker telling a brain surgeon how to operate.

The cliffhanger ending was a bit dramatic but thank you. The was a fun read and I will be looking for more

Thank you

Ignore the squeals.

Fun and well written.

I hope Kelly fucking rots. What a cunt.

Five Star work to be certain. Love the charaters and story line. Well done.

Great start and what a way to end it. Now I will be checking everyday for the next part! Yes I gave it 5 stars.

Please keep writing and I will keep reading.

The problem with the story is that the main characters ERIC is so pathetically clueless and so spineless and intellectually a zero ...it destroys the ability of any reader to actually cheer or hope that good things happened to him.

Real men don't complain? What sort of fucking retard says ot thinks like that?

The worst thing about the story is the fact that throughout the years as a teenager into his late 20s and early 30s Eric simply shows no intellectual or emotional growth of any kind.

I have a long time best friend who is my age and 20 years ago when we were both in our thirties I was going out with women who were in their late 20s and early 30s s because I was looking for a serious relationship and to settle down and marry. But my best friend kept going out with women who were late teens and early 20s

.

My best friend got engaged 2x in the space of 4 years and both times these women who were 10 to 15 years younger than him cheated on him. In fact one of these women /girls he got engaged to got pregnant by a former ex boyfriend and tried to pass it off the child as his---my best friend.

Of course my best friend was brokenhearted but could not quite figure out what he had done wrong. He had a great job ... he didnt drink too much ...he was healthy.... he was kind and understanding ...listened .. was extremely well groomed and hygienic .

In many ways my best friend kind of sounds like the Eric character in the story.

It takes some fat bar or restaurant woman to explain to him the reality of the situation -that has since he - ERIC - has gotten older he has become more attractive to women because the women's and goals with respect to marriage and settling down is vastly different when compared to what they were thinking about when they were 18 ...20-...22... 24 years old.

And when Eric finally picks somebody to marry he goes out of this way to marry somebody who has a history of treating him like shit....

I was disappointed to find at the end of the story that it is not self-contained. Rating it now would reflect my disappointment, not the quality of your work, so I'll do so after I have read the whole work.

and an interesting premise.

I wish the invisible man had listened more attentively to JoAnn. He had a social calendar full of attentive and eager partners to select from. Instead he opted for the woman who disrespected him more than all the others. In a sad way he volunteered to be walked on.

Let's hope the next chapter brings him the family and social stability he has only dreamt of.

Remember how good the first parts of the Groundhog Day-type story was, written a month or two ago I think, where the guy keeps repeating the day he caught his wife cheating? It was online to be a fantastic story. He pretty much blew it.

I hope you don't blow this story. But if you are anything like your character Eric, you of course will. So he marries Kelly because she's the best and easiest fuck of all his options? What a shallow stupid dick. Who can blame Kelly for cheating? Her only fault was seeking a more exciting life Before her divorce. Since kids and family are beyond her physical and intellectual prowess, she might as well live the life of a bar hopping slut, until she meets the Old Fool with the money, and becomes the plastic trophy her cheap soulless self deserves.

Thanks for the effort. Can't wait to see how Eric fucks up, some more.

I got bored with the story, less than half way, but did enjoy one great line: "

"Was I happy? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Is a Bear Catholic? "

Hero is an absolute pussy and has had to be "rescued" a lot. He is a real damsel in distress. Not everyone is physically brave and not everyone is good in a crisis situation, but this Nancy-boy can't seem to do anything that requires a decision. He is a responder and that is not such a good thing all the time. Still and all, it is good to see you writing again and when you get your natural pacing back we will all be better off for the experiences you will bring to us.

This is not.

At first, I too was a bit confused about this story. Then I realized that I had something in common with Eric and had to see what happens. I'm so glad I did and found out that this tale was just what I needed to read right now.

I gave it 5 stars and added to my favorites. This is one of those must I will reread several times over the next few years.

Thanks for sharing your efforts wit h me.

I go thru comments on stories of authors I enjoy reading. Here 's one that bugs me. "No sex....1 *". Really? Cpete is a terricfic storyteller. To give someone a low rating for no sex in a LW story is just ridiculas. Grrrrrr...

My only complaint is that you should have made Tommy the hero, at least he goes after what he wants, unlike "nice guy Eric".

Started out VERY well. Loved the writing setting up the story. Liked the arc to the end of the marriage. But, the guns and drama at the end blew the whole thing away. Two different stories. As an aside, I don't think you should be 'normalizing' such things. I won't leave a score.

Thanks for the offering.

It has been a delightful ride and I am looking forward to the next stretch.

unrealistic action sequence (also unneccessary in this lack of love novel)

It's "opinion" not "option" in this paragraph: JoAnne was big rawboned, chain-smoking lady who did not give a damn about anyone's option.

Woman or women

as title said.

Of an extremely selfish woman. She has shown no change or growth of character. Unfortunately she started with Eric because she was looking only to satisfy a need. And she continued, even being hypocritical towards her mother. Finally she gets angry at Eric and Tommy (hypocritical anger at Tommy for "cheating" on her).

The office shooter scene seems like it is out of place but maybe part 2 ties it together.

Also I really hope this isn't an RAAC. She has been a total sleeze to Eric.

That was a great story. Too many good guys betrayed by women going for the worthless pretty boy. When they wake up they soon realize they have nothing. Going to part two to see how this ends.

Why did he expect her to change approaching 40?

I was an invisible man in my 20s, got a good job and a vasectomy, now at 40 I got women fighting over me an no chance of ever getting them pregnant

Might rate more than 2*s if it were in humor.

The guy named Adolf'shekel'gruber is upset at racists being mocked. Lmao, fuck right off.

Hilarious story dude.

Real men arent stupid enough to marry women who treated them like shit for twenty years strait

Bravery without fear is meaningless. A truely brave act is one done despite fear, not without fear. I really appreciated your description of his fear to highlight the act of bravery. To some he was just a chicken, but without training his actions were remarkable. Your description of that shown great depth of understanding.

Scared OK only stupid or crazy not scared in situation as this

But freeze!!!

How are we to feel sorry for such a moron?

He is told he is kryptonite for sluts finally looking to settle down AND younger women who are ravenous cock whores who treat me like shit

And rather than play the field of tired sluts and marrying a nice girl he up and married a slut knowing she was a slut and a bitch

I dont feel sorry for morons who throw away their advantages

Wonderful first chapter. He is on the right path as long he keeps his BALLS and self respect!!!

Dumbass, 20 years of being ignored by women suddenly he is the cock of the walk and the first thing he does in marry a slut, that he knows is a slut based on her past behavior

How sorry are we to be for abject morons?

Pun intended!

Reading the entire story before commenting or rating helps to determine when something ends with a paper flag that says "BANG."

Till the end killed it, why the whole hostage situation? It lost the narrative line completely.

Should have been titled- "Former slut gets her consolation prize and then cheats; the story of REAL LIFE"

Hated how Eric went 100% bitch when gunman showed up! It's not a fight or flight scenario, it's KILL OR BE KILLED!

This is one really great story. The old school teacher spoke a lot of truth about nice guys. Kelly has messed up again.

lol.. written by r/niceguys..

I love the "Janitor" and the middle-aged mom. As long as i have breath, NO ONE will hurt my children. I agree with another responder, this is kill or be killed, NOT fight or flight. If it's him or me, it must be him.

No

Too much change.

Took care of all sorts of jobs,took blame not his etc

Not freezing like that.

Maybe not Rambo but he would respond better right away.

Vietnam

Saw people freeze,most training react and they do.

Now too much action and then shell shock, ptsd, whatever you call it can set in

"Real Men never complain, Real Men never blame."

That is Eric's proclaimed macho mantra, but he freezes time after time when push comes to shove with an active shooter? What a fucking fraud.

like the invisible man and biological timeline and Lady at convenience store, Apache guy

Written as English is your second language but third choice. ex: ""Kelly, it is almost you are picking boys that are going to fail."" WTF?